No one to turn to, need advice

[Sj325]

Hi all,

Hoping for some advice on my current relationship, I am really confused and have no one to turn to.

Ok here goes....

I have been in my current relationship for just over 2 years. I have 2 children from a previous relationship and have just found out I’m expecting again. My current partner and I split up around the end of April this year for a month or so (I ended it as I found texts in his phone from another girl arranging to meet up with her and go to her place) and because I wasn’t with him or seeing anyone else I stopped taking my pill. We had a holiday booked for us and the kids so sorted things out and we got back together. I planned on starting my pill again on my next period but it came while we were on holiday and I hadn’t brought any with me 🙄 we were careful except for literally one time. Anyway, my period was late so I took a couple of tests and both came back positive. He seemed over the moon, and, although shocked, I was happy too. He’s always saying how he loves my kids very much wants to become their step parent. He even asked if the kids would take his surname.

But... I feel like he does nothing to merit the title of stepdad. Besides spend a few quid on the kids now and again - by this I mean by them a McDonald’s or the very occasional trip to the cinema (which I end up paying most of anyway), he does nothing to help out with their upbringing. I do absolutely everything for them. He was supposed to move in with us at the end of March this year but that didn’t happen and still hasn’t, he stays over at mine 3/4 nights a week - we never ever get invited to his, when he’s here he barely lifts a finger and expects to be waited on hand an foot, he doesn’t interact with the kids much - he comes over and goes straight to the bedroom to watch tv and everything else in his life i.e gym takes priority over us. He only ever sees us when he’s done all the other things he needs to do and would never cancel plans for us.

Today I expressed these concerns and I did say to him that I didn’t think he deserved the title of step father. He said if that’s what I thought of him then not to contact him again and leave him alone. I said I was having doubts about having the baby as I went through the same with my children’s father and it made my life a mysery. I said I didn’t know how I was going to cope with another child. He then called me spiteful and vindictive and accused me of not wanting to have the baby so I can “go back to my old lifestyle” of going out when I wanted, sleeping with guys and going to the gym 5/6 nights a week!! This is absolutely not the case! While I did like a night out before I met him, I wasn’t sleeping about! And yea I do like to go to the gym but I don’t understand why he would think I want to get rid of our baby so I can go to the gym!

We’re both 37 years old so are not kids. We both have good jobs. I own my place and he rents his so I really don’t know why he can’t just move in with us. He doesn’t have any children and has never really been with anyone more than a few years. As far as I know all previous partners have ended the relationships.

So sorry for the long post but I honestly don’t know what to. I haven’t told any family or friends about the baby yet so literally have no one to turn to for advice

[Singlenotsingle]

He's not as keen as you are and he's a lazy, selfish bastard! Why would you want to invite him to live with you? He's not going to improve your life in any way, just make it harder. He's not going to change, and you'll have the problem of getting him out when you finally see the light. Then you have to decide whether you want to go ahead with the baby (as a single parent, I promise!)

[Thingsdogetbetter]

Jesus. Do you really want a man who doesn't lift a finger, doesn't bother with your kids, cheats on you, slags you off and throws childish temper tantrums to move in with you?? He's not going to suddenly turn in to dad of the year, let alone step dad! Stop listening to what he says and start looking at his actions. His actions scream twat to me!

[Bambi99]

He seems like a waste of your time and effort. He has been unfaithful once and doesn't seem to respect u or want the family life from how he interacts with your kids. You would be taking a huge risk taking him into your home, it is very odd if he lives alone that you never go to his. X

[Sj325]

When I tell him I think he’s selfish, he basically makes out I’m the worst person on the planet for thinking that!!

Forgot to add - my kids don’t have any contact with their biological father, as, when he found out I was in a new relationship, he done a bunk and hasn’t bothered his arse with my kids since. So I know if I have another baby I’m going to struggle with being a single parent to 3 kids and full time work.

[Badbadtromance]

I think I'd let this bloke go. I can't see what he brings to your life except ore work

[Singlenotsingle]

So you've already picked one useless selfish loser! Don't replace him with another one.

[JeSuisPrest]

I thought you were both going to be in your early 20's reading your post, not late 30's. He's a flakey on/off boyfriend at best and you need to give your head a wobble of you think he'll turn into step father of the year anytime soon. Give your kids his surname after 2 years, when you don't even live together and he's chasing after another bit of skirt? Raise your standards, put yourself and your kids first and tell him to do one.

[mumofone234]

This doesn’t sound like a great relationship to me - his reaction to your concerns is very immature. From what I’ve read, either he needs to move in and make an effort (I think he’s unlikely to do that), you carry on as you are (which might be tough with a new baby) or you go your separate ways and raise your children as a single parent. Do you have a support network that could help you with your new baby ignore you decide to go ahead?

[mumofone234]

Sorry, that should say ‘if you’, not ‘ignore’ (predictive text).

[RedPanda2]

He doesn't love you and doesn't care about your children. He sounds like he will be a terrible father. Even if you wanted to terminate the pregnancy for the reasond he gave (which I know isn't the case) that's your choice. Stop sleeping with him, you will get through this.

[Domino20]

He has shown you who he is. Listen. Any decisions you make about you/kids/pregnancy need to be based on the REALITY of his behaviour. Please don't let him emotionally blackmail you, your current children should be a priority.

[category12]

You really should get rid of him - he's not interested in you or your dc, just in the cushy comfortable side of it - being waited on, doing as he likes, the sex and buggering off to do as he likes. His contribution is zero and you said it yourself "He only ever sees us when he’s done all the other things he needs to do and would never cancel plans for us".

So the question is, why are you willing to accept so little?

Really stop hanging on for someone who treats you like this. All his previous relationships have been ended by the women because they woke up and smelt the coffee - you need to too.

Ditch the bloke and decide whether you want to continue the pregnancy as a separate issue (personally I wouldn't want to be linked to this man through a child that he'd likely be a shit indifferent parent to).

[Sj325]

I don’t really have any support tbh. My kids biological fathers family don’t bother with them much and my mum works full time and siblings also have kids and work full time. It just scares me having 3 kids and the dads don’t want involved nor want to step up to the role.

His reaction to me suggesting a termination has shocked me greatly, it’s like he doesn’t care if I do but wants to make up lies about the reason I did so he doesn’t look bad. When he knows, that if I did have a termination, it would be down to the concerns I have, nothing to do with wanting to live a certain type of life. I mean I’m a 37 year old mum, nights out and sleeping around are just not on my agenda!

[mumofone234]

Yes, I don’t think anyone who already has two well-cared-for children would have a termination for that reason so it’s a ridiculous thing to say and just shows his immaturity. But I would advise thinking very carefully before going down that route - make sure it’s a decision you’re totally on board with and not just a knee-jerk reaction because your immediate situation is difficult. I do feel for you though, this is a tough one.

[Domino20]

You're not focused on real issue here, if you are not with him and he is not in your life then you do not have to give a flying fuck as to how he justifies the situation to himself. His opinion of you is meaningless.

[Sj325]

Thanks everyone 😊 looks like I’ve got to sit down and have a good think about things regarding the baby. I’m not going to bother contacting him again after what he said earlier. Hopefully everything turns out ok 👌🏽

[mumofone234]

Best of luck to you OP. If you haven’t already read it, I’ve just spotted this guest post: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/guest_posts/3328169-The-hardest-thing-about-having-a-baby-alone-isnt-doing-it-but-deciding-to-do-it

[Larfalot]

Would love some advice on a recent situation, feeling a bit sad and humiliated.
I have a question about something that happened recently and I've just found its been bugging me and was hoping someone might be able to offer an opinion.
I was speaking to a guy for a while, we hadn't yet met but knew of eachother through friends. We have spoken on the phone and arranged a date to meet in person for dinner and drinks (on Saturday) Then the Wednesday before we were due to meet, I was super busy at work and went straight out to meet a friend after work. I hadn't had a chance to message him all day and at about 9pm he text me to say are you not talking to me? (Previously we'd been messaging in the day- not a massive amount)
As soon as I got home about 11 I messaged him straight back to explain. I never heard anything, so I apologised via text the next day along with a bit of lighthearted chat and still nothing. Obviously I haven't tried to contact him anymore but do you think that's a bit of a red flag on his part?

Thanks for any help you can offer X

[Sj325]

Sooo... after not seeing him since Friday (he picked us up from a day out then dropped us off and fucked off to the gym with his friend and we haven’t seen him since) he text one of the kids this morning as it’s her birthday tomorrow and told her he’s going out today to buy her an extra large present!!

WTAF!! He hasn’t bothered with the kids in days!!

He then text me to say he would be over later with the present. I waited a few hours then text him back and told him that was fine and just to leave it outside the front door tonight and I’d collect it, give it to DD tomorrow and make sure she knows it’s from him.

He’s not replied.

[category12]

Are you any further forward with your decision about the pregnancy?

[PenelopeShitStop]

Does he bring anything to the table metaphorically speaking? I am struggling to see how he enhances the lives of you and your children.

[AnoukSpirit]

Red flags here.

Seriously, get yourself on the Freedom Programme. They can teach you the difference between an abusive and healthy relationship - and how decent human beings treat people they genuinely care about. //Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

I get the sense you've normalised so much shitty behaviour (from men) you can't see how bad or extreme or utterly abnormal his behaviour actually is. If you don't want to spend the rest of your life dealing with this kind of rubbish, Freedom can help you break this pattern.

[Sj325]

@catrgory12 not really. I’m so up and down with it all I just don’t know what to do. I know I would hate myself if I did go through with a termination but I’m struggling to see how I will cope both mentally and financially and if I did keep the baby, would he take any responsibility for it etc...

[LadyLoveYourWhat]

Why would you hate yourself if you had a termination?

[Sj325]

@LadyLiveYourWhat I guess there would be a lot of guilt.

My daughter text him and asked him to come to the cinema with us tomorrow for her birthday. He replied saying he can’t as he has to work. Total lies, he finishes work at 4pm every day and half the time he works from home and doesn’t even go into work!

I sent him a text asking why he had lied to her about the reason he couldn’t come and I asked if it was going to be like this if I had the baby and if he was actually going to take any responsibility for the baby if I went through with the pregnancy.

His reply:

“I didn’t lie to her”