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Does anyone pity the OW...?

(131 Posts)
Pixikitten0123 Mon 06-Aug-18 17:39:29

I know I do 😜

Sohardtochooseausername Mon 06-Aug-18 17:41:28

I wonder what’s in it for her, particularly as stbex says she listens to all his problems (and has been for 2 years)!

UnderTheBoat Mon 06-Aug-18 17:42:40

Yes if they didn't know but no if they had all of the information before becoming the OW

Pixikitten0123 Mon 06-Aug-18 18:22:18

I think once the honeymoon phase wears off and reality hits the one that’s got my waste of oxygen will ditch him - couldn’t happen to a nicer person

Chucklecheeks1 Mon 06-Aug-18 18:33:41

I pity the OW that caused my marriage to end (my decision). He now lives with her after being asked to leave the family home, begging to stay and complaining I didnt fight for him after I found out.

I have an amazing life now, free from emotional and financial abuse, a great new partner, debt free and more importantly my kids see a healthy functioning relationship.

She has him; i pity her, I wish i could warn her but id just come across as bitter and he wont let us ever be in the same room as each other.

xmasbaba2014 Mon 06-Aug-18 18:45:43

I think it depends on the circumstances, I felt bad for the ow that exp left me for. He spun her a web of lies and met her when she was very vulnerable. Their relationship only lasted a matter of weeks and had some awful consequences for her. She and I are very close friends now.

SuperSuperSuper Mon 06-Aug-18 18:58:45

It depends on how aware she was at the outset. Targeting a married father is different to discovering your much-loved boyfriend is actually married with children and then struggling to give him up. Some OW (and OM) have been duped as well.

Horsesforcourses23 Mon 06-Aug-18 19:01:59

I think it depends on the situation and what happened. I've known both sides my friends husband repeatedly cheats on her and I know how devastated she is with it all and I also know someone who was the OW. He fed her such a pack of lies, she has low self esteem, had had a really tough time and I think he presented himself as a knight in shining armour. She was wracked with guilt over the whole thing and to be honest, when it had ended it very nearly broke her completely.

I know she did an awful thing but I have never felt so bad for someone.

There's also some people who just do it because, I have pity for those people for have such a poor moral conscious!

AndTheSkyWasAllViolet Mon 06-Aug-18 19:09:34

I do. I wish I could warn the OW. Ex-p is abusive, manipulative and uses strange means/excuses to get out of having to do things, like looking for work. I am sure he manipulated his way into her falling for it. One day, if they move in together, the abuse will unfold like it did with me. I am just glad I am (mostly) out of it it all so I can start the healing process. He did a number on me.

Naughty1205 Mon 06-Aug-18 19:11:36

My brother had his head turned. He is married with 3 kids. A great wife and family. Some gym bunny who knew his set up still set about getting him. Obviously he has more to lose but he has lost the plot. Haven't met her but I hate her already. And he's a fucking walking cliché. But she's a dick.

AynRandTheObjectivist Mon 06-Aug-18 20:03:01

I often hear people on MN complaining that the OW 'got off scot free', no matter how the affair ended.

In my experience, I've actually never seen that happen. I've honestly never known an OW who didn't really suffer, one way or another.

SandyY2K Mon 06-Aug-18 20:09:52

It depends.

Some have such low self esteem and feel grateful that someone has shown an interest.

In most cases I feel if you play with should know you'll get burnt

AynRandTheObjectivist Mon 06-Aug-18 20:13:14

My brother had his head turned.

Your brother turned his own head, and walked in that direction. He made a choice. Someone offered me a slice of chocolate cake today and I declined it.

feellikeanalien Mon 06-Aug-18 20:24:26


TedAndLola Mon 06-Aug-18 20:26:13

I haven't been cheated on but yeah, I do feel sorry for them. Once you've shown that you're A-okay with cheating, how can you expect a respectful and faithful partnership? In the same way that liars think everybody is lying, they must be constantly worried about their new partner straying. Again.

But it's pity more than sympathy. They make their bed after all.

Tryingagain1 Mon 06-Aug-18 20:36:29

You sound really bitter OP. There are lots of different scenarios - a woman who was deceived into thinking a married man was single or getting divorced, a woman who knew from the outset he was married etc.

I've also known a husband leave his wife for OW who both still love each other 20 years later ( I'm related to the first wife and can understand why he would want to leave her...).

I woman who knowingly enters a relationship with a married man I disagree with tbh.

blueangel1 Mon 06-Aug-18 20:39:33

Personally, I'm glad that EXH and OW are together now. He is a high-functioning alcoholic narc and she is a histrionic. They are perfect for each other and both I and her EXH have moved on to be much happier.

AynRandTheObjectivist Mon 06-Aug-18 20:44:58

OP doesn't sound bitter at all. Quite the opposite.

ravenmum Mon 06-Aug-18 20:46:09

"My" OW knew what she was doing (she was also married), so not really, no. But I also read the lies my ex told her about wanting a child and knew she would either have a child and get a nasty shock at his reaction and lack of family spirit, or get even older without having the child she wanted. So I wasn't the only one whose life was messed up by my ex's inability to be honest. She's 39, no child, dumped him, so at least some poor innocent child has not been brought into the world in those shitty circumstances.

I don't think she thought he would lie to her. I reckon she thought I got lies because I was a stupid, nasty bitch and deserved it, whereas she was Different and would hear only the truth from her faithful lapdog.

ravenmum Mon 06-Aug-18 20:50:37

Don't know about the OP - for al we know she might be an OW herself looking for sympathy - but if I sound bitter, it's because I'm still somewhat bitter about the crappy way my ex treated me, spreading lies about me when he could have split up decently if he'd wanted to. Bitterness is the normal, human reaction to that, isn't it?

PinkGlitter22 Mon 06-Aug-18 20:58:45

Agree big difference between OW who discovers her partner is not actually single, to someone who knowingly targets a married man, especially if he has children, and then does everything possible to break up the marriage.

I do feel a lot of sympathy for the former.

The latter, absolutely not.

TheDarkPassenger Mon 06-Aug-18 21:01:23

I’ve been the OW, one who knew about the partner. I was manic (bipolar diagnosis) and I wouldn’t say he used or manipulated me but I was vulnerable. We both weren’t thinking straight. Daft now really because I was so poorly I barely remember any of it my life was a complete blur and your morals and conscience go out of the window when you’re manic, I don’t remember feeling guilty even once. Tbh I don’t really now either as I was ill and some may say that’s no excuse but they probably haven’t experienced a true manic episode.

PinkGlitter22 Mon 06-Aug-18 21:05:34

Agree with your comments ravenmum about bitterness. Bitterness is a normal reaction to many of these types of situations.

shelikespinacalada Mon 06-Aug-18 21:06:53

I do, it repulsed me that I was ever with the man, like physically feel sick....there was absolutely nothing I can say was nice.
A bully, unactractive, overweight, could not face having sex with the man, bombastic piece of shit in my humble opinion ( now I'm allowed one that is)
She is someone I mention in my prayers every night and thank god she came into his life. She actually saved my life by doing so
And yes I if I think about it I do feel dreadfully sorry for her that she has to get into bed with that of a night.
Eerghh, gross. But thank god it ain't me.
Many years ago now, but still to this day I find it utterly gross I put myself and my kids through being with that man.

But if it wasn't for what I went through I wouldn't be here now would I, loving, adoring, respecting, fancying the pants off the man I'm with.


I simply could not stress to woman out there to be strong enough and have faith in themselves to get out of a situation they find intolerable.
I wish I'd of had enough about me to of done, but thankfully another woman came into his life, she was the one that saved me

And I will never be able to thank her enough for that.

thenorthernsinner Mon 06-Aug-18 21:07:58

Only person to blame in any cheating scenario is the PARTNER/HUSBAND. They were the ones who made the vows or promises. The cheated party I always think they dodged a bullet.

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