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It was only casual, so why do I feel sad?

(57 Posts)
Flairhead Sun 05-Aug-18 15:39:32

I broke up with my husband at the end of October, we had been long term, over 12 years at that point, three years married. We continued to live together, but became more like housemates, separate rooms etc. No kids.

Just before Christmas, I ended up kissing a guy from work in a nightclub following the work party. It was still early days after the break up, so it didn't go any further than that, though I think he'd have liked it to. I explained the whole situation to him and he was absolutely fine.

I didn't see much of him for a few months, but then at the end of March he sent me a game request on Facebook, I started playing and from there we started chatting on messenger. One thing led to another, the conversation got quite flirtatious and (don't judge) we ended up exchanging naked photos. We ended up meeting the following weekend and had sex.

A couple of weeks after that we had sex again, but he's been working away a lot so since then it's only been sessions of exchanging photos. I guess you could call it a FWB situation, even though we only ever had sex twice.

Anyway, over the last few weeks me and my husband have been talking, there are still feelings there and we've been together a long time, so it looks likely we're going to give things another try. So last night I went round to FWB's to tell him things were going to have to stop. I know it wasn't exactly the same as an actual relationship but I thought it was the right thing to do, to tell him what was happening before he found out from anyone else through the grapevine.

He was absolutely fine with it. Just said OK and that it had been very casual anyway so it was fine.

Now I know that neither of us were looking for any more than just fun, and obviously I'm glad he's not heartbroken or anything, but to just say OK and then that's it? Whereas me, I'm feeling a bit sad about it. This guy was only the second person I'd slept with (he knew this) plus everything that happened made me feel good about myself and boosted my confidence a bit. I guess I'm just feeling a bit down that that's ended now. But there's no hard feelings and I'll still chat to him if I see him around work, on nights out etc.

Is it normal to feel sad after the end of a casual thing, even though I'm the one that ended it?

twilightsaga Sun 05-Aug-18 15:43:11

I'd be more worried he now has a catalogue of naked photos of you blush

Unobtainable Sun 05-Aug-18 15:50:38

Do the naked photos show your face???!

Flairhead Sun 05-Aug-18 16:05:04

No, I was very careful about that.

giveitfive Sun 05-Aug-18 16:13:37

Be glad he is a decent chap who has taken it with dignity and respects your efforts to make a go of things with husband.

Or did you want him to be in reserve?

Flairhead Sun 05-Aug-18 16:50:26

If you mean did I want him to be a sort of thing on the side, no. That's exactly why I ended it. That wouldn't have been fair to anyone and like I said, it was just fun.

If things don't end up working out with my husband, then maybe something could start up, but that would be something to think about only if that happens. But he is as you say, a decent chap and I'm not concerned about the pictures ending up somewhere they shouldn't.

SunflowerJo08 Sun 05-Aug-18 16:55:55

Look it the positives - this man has given you confidence and an esteem boost, and now you feel stronger to tackle the issues in your relationship, without letting guilt in, which is great. Thankfully you feel confident there will be no comeback from the photos, to your marriage, or at work; also great. Be thankful for his however fleeting involvement in your life, and concentrate on the here and now - feeling sad is just a natural emotion at the ending of something, anything. Time for the future now - however you want things to proceed.

Verbena87 Sun 05-Aug-18 17:04:45

I think it’s ok to be sad, and I think the sadness will fade if you just accept it and let it run it’s course.

I also think it is so refreshing to come across a relationship thread where all parties sound like actual adults who know how to treat themselves and others with respect. I wish you peace and fulfilment whatever you decide to do.

Thatsfuckingshit Sun 05-Aug-18 17:29:07

I think its always knocks your ego a bit when someone is happy to let you go. Even if you don't really want them yourself. Even though, really you don't want them to be hurt either.

It's all very conflicting.

Good luck on the future.

Flairhead Sun 05-Aug-18 17:41:54

Thank you both for your supportive comments, I'm glad I'm not being judged for all this going on while I was still married. I'll hopefully feel better in a couple of days, it's a bit tricky hiding why I'm feeling down but I have a cold at the moment so blaming that.

I think we'll be OK at work, we're actually both planning to apply for a promotion soon, there are a few positions available so if we both got one there'd be a good chance we'd be working together, which could have been awkward if things were still going on. We have become better friends though which can only be a good thing.

imsconequeen Sun 05-Aug-18 17:52:48

"If things don't end up working out with my husband, then maybe something could start up"

I'd be crushed if I new husband had a plan b in reserve in case we didn't go the distance! angry

Flairhead Sun 05-Aug-18 18:11:46

I just mean that if we don't work out, at some point maybe I'd consider a date with this guy. But that would only ever be a conversation to have if it came to it, and it certainly wouldn't be straight away.

inshockrightnow Sun 05-Aug-18 18:36:23

I don't think it's a Plan B as such. You have committed to working on your marriage and have been honest with FWB guy. You've done nothing wrong. Good luck going forward.

NotTheFordType Sun 05-Aug-18 18:56:12

You have acted very well, and so has FWB. You've been honest and open with each other.

It's totally okay to feel your feelings. Of course you're sad things aren't going to develop, but you can feel happy that you made the right decision to keep it casual.

Also if a FWB broke it off with me, I would be totally "OK that's cool, I hope everything works out for you" to them, but then be a bit sad for myself. The fact he hasn't shown you his sadness doesn't mean he isn't feeling it.

Flairhead Sun 05-Aug-18 19:06:53

NotTheFordType yeah that's true. He did actually say he wanted to stop things back in April, he said at the time it felt weird, later turned out it was actually that he thought it was getting too familiar so he didn't want to keep it going in case it turned into more. I felt sad about that then. Things started up again after a bit though while he was working away. So I guess it's possible he's feeling a bit down too.

jelly449 Sun 05-Aug-18 19:49:04

I don't know if I'm missing something here....but surely going back to your husband and trying again should be your main focus? Not coming on here being more upset about an fwb relationship ending?

Not having a go or anything op....just what I thought when I read your post.

Flairhead Sun 05-Aug-18 20:00:52

No, it's OK, I get what you're saying. I think I'm just surprised that I'm feeling a bit sad about it, I wasn't expecting to. I knew I had to end it soon and I had the opportunity yesterday so went ahead and did it. I know it was the right thing to do so I can work on my marriage, but it was still something that I enjoyed and made me feel good, and now it won't be happening any more. That's all.

jelly449 Sun 05-Aug-18 20:02:18

@Flairhead yes I get you. I suppose all you can do is focus on your marriage and the reasons you are giving it another go. Wish you all the best

giveitfive Sun 05-Aug-18 20:24:29

Good luck making a go of it!

No judgement here. Life is tough.

I hope it works out.

Flairhead Sun 05-Aug-18 22:43:03

Thanks for all the good wishes, everyone. Was totally expecting to get flamed to some degree but it's heartening to see that so many of you think I've handled this in exactly the right way. I'm now going to focus on the promotion application and getting things with my husband better. I've not been in a great headspace with it all lately but I'm starting to feel like I can turn it around.

MMmomDD Sun 05-Aug-18 23:01:36

OP - by the sound of it - you are probably just around 30.
And only get been with your husband. Plus this guy, twice.

When you for together with your H - both of you were very young. And now - you’ve grown up and, most likely, changed.

If you have feelings - by all means - explore that.
But you also said - that you’ve been together a long time - and it’s all you both know and are used to.
BUT - that isn’t a reason to stay together. Not on its own.
You both have a long long life ahead of you. Don’t let habit and familiarity, and possibly, fear of change - rule your life

Flairhead Mon 06-Aug-18 10:38:40

Thank you for your advice. You're right, I was only 18 when we got together (31 now) and I know I've changed a lot since then. I do love him, but I'm not attracted to him any more. In every other way things are fine, we get on, enjoy each other's company etc. He's aware that I'm not attracted to him, but it's something I'm going to try to work through. We've done counselling, that has stopped as we felt we'd gone as far as possible with it, I guess now it's up to us to see if we can go the distance.

shinyredbus Mon 06-Aug-18 10:48:52

I suppose you feel sad because it was 'easy' for the FWB to 'let you go' - everyone wants to feel that they have/meant somthing special to someone they have slept with i suppose. Did you want something more to develop - and thats why you feel sad he's let you go so easily, whereas you feel sad?

Either way - i dont judge you, good luck.

Ariela Mon 06-Aug-18 11:17:48

I think it's quite possible your work friend is a lot more upset than he has let on, but he is sensible and knows that to create a fuss now you'll never come back to him/it'll create an atmosphere and affect your work. Whereas if he lets you go back to see if you can make your marriage work then he has lost nothing but if you and hubbie doesn't work he hasn't ruined your friendship with him.

BunnyColvin Mon 06-Aug-18 11:20:27

but I'm not attracted to him any more

In these circs, where you've just ended something with someone you actually are attracted to, and are about to get back with someone you're not, I doubt it can work. But worth a shot I suppose. You should probably put a timeframe in place though.

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