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Husband is planning an affair

(686 Posts)
shitsabouttogetserious Sun 05-Aug-18 08:45:12

A couple of weeks ago I discovered my husband was chatting through fb messenger to an ex of his from his teenage years. It was pretty innocuous stuff mostly although he was a bit too complimentary/creepy for my liking so I decided to keep an eye on it. I didn't say anything to him cos I didn't want to alert him that I had access to his messages. Last weekend she called him out on his intentions with her and he was all like "I have responsibilities I can't just walk away from" and she was all "fair enough, let's just leave it at that then and stop talking before things go any further". At this point I'm thinking, ok, he's pushed his luck but when push came to shove he couldn't take it further, no harm done, right? But then he messaged her back and said if she ever changed her mind and wanted to meet up and "test the spark" to let him know 😳 the fucker just basically asked for a no strings affair right? She didn't reply to this and he then deleted the whole convo (just as well I have screenshots then😁) things were quiet for a few days and I tried to forget it all happened but it all ramped up again over last 2 days when she initiated a friendly conversation again which then took a turn yesterday towards the "what are we doing here?" He has now suggested a weekend get together so they can "get to know each other" again! She lives far away from us. They haven't made any concrete plans/ dates yet.

So basically as far as I'm concerned my marriage is over! Tbh, I've been unhappy for a while but didn't feel I could "justify" ending the marriage without a "good" reason 😞 we have 3 dc together and the youngest is only 9 months old.

I'm thinking of holding out to see what arrangements they make and having his bags packed for him when he returns from get together. But its really hard pretending everything is fine in the meantime. This will be ended one way or another, there is no doubt about that but dying to work out in my head the best way to deal with it all.

Thanks for reading, sorry it's so long.

Urbanbeetler Sun 05-Aug-18 08:49:55

Don’t put yourself through any more agony than is necessary. You have your proof he is a cheat - can’t you just tell him you know and ask him to pack a bag and leave so you can get on with the rest of your life?

dudsville Sun 05-Aug-18 08:52:43

I'm so sorry op. It does sound like you too think this is for the best, that you now have a "good" reason to end a dead relationship. Shame it couldn't have arisen in a more straight forward way but that's sometimes the way of things.

Hermie12 Sun 05-Aug-18 08:53:58

Thats not nice to read I’m sorry . I’m sure others will have far better advice but didn’t want to read and not reply. If you are planning to make the break I’d suggest putting preparation in place , get docs ready, bank accounts - do you have access to cash easily ? What’s the house set up? Do you have family and friend support? Just make sure you are as secure as possible when/if it all kicks off .

thebird93 Sun 05-Aug-18 08:54:30

I'd be tempted to hold out, he's intending to do something that's for sure and no denying it as you have proof. Confronted with this alone no doubt he will back paddle and say it was just an ego boost. Let the twat do his worst and then go all guns blazing I'd say. Hard to keep it in I know.. hugs xx

Stuckforthefourthtime Sun 05-Aug-18 09:00:11

Why would you wait for proof?
Unless you have a movie-style prenup with a cheating clause, either he is a genuinely good guy making a really stupid mistake and you'd rather talk to him first or (and it sounds more likely), he's an arse who's already checked out, get yourself sorted and kick him out already ..

ProfessorMoody Sun 05-Aug-18 09:02:24

I wouldn't be able to let it go on any more. You have proof of his intentions which is all you need. LTB.

shitsabouttogetserious Sun 05-Aug-18 09:03:52

Thanks for replying. I'm a bit of a wimp when it comes to confrontation so I need to build myself up to it and just want my reasons to be absolutely concrete and something he can't back out of. Plus if he goes through with this, his parents and everybody else won't be able to make me feel like I'm he reason the relationship has ended. Financially things will be toght. I do have a bank account of my own and I recently inherited some money he doesn't know about. I'm worried about the house though. Im not sure how it would all work out in a divorce settlement and I can't afford to buy anything else in the same area. We bought cheap and did it up/extended.

croprotationinthe13thcentury Sun 05-Aug-18 09:06:41

Sometimes it is hard to end a marriage when there are kids involved. But at least OP, your case is very much black and white and he has made your decision very easy.
I would end it but wouldnt even tell him why, to really mess with his head. Just say you are bored and find him undesirable. That will take the wind out of his sails.

Caaarrrl Sun 05-Aug-18 09:08:39

I could not stay with someone who had planned an affair even if they didn't go through with it in the end. OP you are worth far more than being with someone who is only there until someone better makes him an offer.

manitz Sun 05-Aug-18 09:08:49

Would you have to split the inheritance as you are married? Can you legally hide it? I don’t know if you can but it’s worth looking into. Maybe it could be given to the kids in trust or something. Then you can at least protect it.

croprotationinthe13thcentury Sun 05-Aug-18 09:10:15

Just shift the inheritence to somebody else for now. Unless he has suspicions he/his lawyers wont do any checks.

ohhelpohnoitsa Sun 05-Aug-18 09:11:36

I know if it were me, I would feel more 'in control' dealing with it now. There is no ambiguity in their intentions. If you deal with it now, you have the upper hand whereas if you wait until the meet up occurs, you may feel even more betrayed and hurt. Unless of course you don't want the marriage to be over, then call him out right now, insist on counselling and see if you can work it out. Good luck OP, keep strong and remember that YOU have done nothing wrong here, except a bit of snooping which proved you suspicions were right anyway. You are not to blame in any way shape or form, even if your marriage were already over, he should have respected you enough to end it before rekindling with anyone.

TooTrueToBeGood Sun 05-Aug-18 09:12:05

You've got all the proof you need. It's beyond any doubt he'd fuck her in a heartbeat if she gave him the nod. You're basically holding out for her to make a decision, or not. That makes no sense. If you leave it and she doesn't go for it, what then? You're probably going to be stuck in limbo with a husband you hate but without that bit of final evidence you decided to wait for.

YaLoVeras Sun 05-Aug-18 09:12:46

omg, your gut is correct.

He pushed for it. He wanted it.

Not surprised you are so turned off the marriage.

Urbanbeetler Sun 05-Aug-18 09:12:53

Definitely get legal advice re the inheritance.

Snappedandfarted2018 Sun 05-Aug-18 09:13:41

I agree shift the inheritance to someone else get you’re ducks in a row.

runningscare Sun 05-Aug-18 09:13:52

I think packing his bags for the return is classic!

Horrible situation... however I am glad you are able to see that you are not happy.. maybe your DH isn't happy either?

What are you wanting to happen? Are you wanting to save the marriage? If yes go to counselling before your DH does something you won't be able to come back from.

Monny1 Sun 05-Aug-18 09:14:19

Definitely look into your inheritance before you tell him about ending it. Protect yourself and the

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 Sun 05-Aug-18 09:14:26

I've been on the other side of this where my ex suggested 'one amazing night' (his words). I turned him down and went NC. My marriage is not great but even so I couldn't bring myself to do it to my H. I also kept thinking about his gf and couldn't do that to another woman either. Is his ex married or single? From my side my ex made me feel like an escort and it disgusted me.

Mary1935 Sun 05-Aug-18 09:14:32

Hi OP I would see a solicitor for advice. When they do a financial statement they ask to see finances and bank statements so if it’s in an account it would show up. Unless you’ve put it into an account he has no knowledge off.
He’s up to cheating - but hasn’t yet? I’m sorry - lean on your family and friends if you can.

YaLoVeras Sun 05-Aug-18 09:18:07

@croprotationinthe13century, I love it.

No big show down. No ''I caught you with your pants down''.

I'd go for a trying to be kind but ''this relationship is not stimulating me, I've gone off you physically, no emotional support, no rapport''.

That would take the wind out of his sails indeed

croprotationinthe13thcentury Sun 05-Aug-18 09:18:17

Mary, they only ask to see actual statements if there is an indication on one side the other person is lying. All the OP will have to do is write down what she has asset/money wise. Proof is only required when people start contesting things, and I think this is unlikely here.

YaLoVeras Sun 05-Aug-18 09:18:57

When you get divorced how far back to you have to go with the bank statements?

strawberrisc Sun 05-Aug-18 09:19:25

If he goes through with the weekend and you can prove it then you can absolutely divorce him on the grounds of adultery.

Sorry OP 🙁

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