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When do you decide enough is enough?

(18 Posts)
gizmocat1 Sat 04-Aug-18 15:38:47

Dear friends,

I keep going round in circles. I don’t love my husband anymore. He’s not a bad man but there’s nothing between us anymore. We are very different and have nothing in common now. I feel the age gap has made things worse as he’s 21 years older than me and retired now. I just don’t fancy him anymore and have felt this way for about 10 years. I can’t make myself have sex with him anymore, so there is no intimacy or affection of any sort. We constantly snap at each other and regularly have uncomfortable silences as there’s just nothing to say to each other. My mum says I should stay with him and family don’t agree with my decision to split so I feel pressured to stay . I know financially this might make sense but I think we both deserve to be happy. I’m just plodding on day by day but it’s no way to live.

I recently told my husband that I want a divorce but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t believe me as he keeps talking about future holidays and plans. We’re on holiday at the moment but it’s not rekindled anything.

I haven’t broached the divorce subject again since I mentioned it because of the holiday and I wanted to get him used to the idea rather than push him too quickly.

I’m scared of making the wrong Choice, telling my hubby again that I want a divorce ( as he gets cross or dismissive with things he doesn’t want to hear), selling the house, wondering if I can manage financially on my own and mostly upsetting our boy (age 10) ...., so i just tolerate each day .

Do others feel like this too. Sorry if this sounds selfish.

Babdoc Sat 04-Aug-18 15:42:28

You only get one life, OP. Do you want to spend the rest of yours with a pensioner you neither love nor fancy?
If you divorce, you might be broke and lonely. But your space will be your own, and there is at least the possibility of meeting someone new, with whom you actually want to share a life.

Jayfee Sat 04-Aug-18 15:43:30

How old are you?

gizmocat1 Sat 04-Aug-18 16:43:47

I know it sounds selfish but I am scared of being with a pensioner and being his carer. I’m 45 now. We met when he was 47 and I was 27 the age gap didn’t seem that big then. He’s slowed down now and does what he likes now he’s retired. I know it sounds selfish but I find it irritating when I work full time and he tells me what a hard day he’s had ( usually socialising and playing his musical instruments and walking our dogs)

Notmany Sat 04-Aug-18 16:53:01

Sounds like it's over OP. You are getting cross at your DH for being a normal 65 year old man and that isn't fair, so just get the papers and move on. As he is retired is he effectively the primary carer for your DC?

gizmocat1 Sat 04-Aug-18 18:05:26

Your right NOTMANY I know his daily routine is what normal retired folk do but my job ( like many is tough) and then I help son with his homework and my day is done. We did talk about sharing childcare when I mentioned I wanted to divorce as hubby would need to do school run and son would mostly live with me, I guess we’ll have to talk about the finances when the time is right but certainly a fair point that hubby could be primary care giver as I’m full-time

ravenmum Sat 04-Aug-18 18:26:40

I’m pretty sure he doesn’t believe me as he keeps talking about future holidays and plans
Or he doesn't want to believe you, and keeps talking about your shared future as if describing it will make it come true.

You don't sound selfish to me at all. He's not getting much out of the marriage either, is he? Perhaps he could be happier with a retired woman that he has something to talk about with.

If the atmosphere is so bad, then surely a respectful separation and sensible childcare arrangements would be a far better alternative? It must be stressful for your son as it is.

Does your mother have religious reasons for wanting you to stick with an unhappy marriage?

misscph1973 Sat 04-Aug-18 18:33:27

Put it this way: If your son as an adult was unhappy in his relationship, would you advice him to stay?

Or do you really want another 10 years of this?

It's okay to not feel like you did when you met him. It would be strange if you (or him) hadn't changed a bit since then.

It's okay to want something different from life now that you are older.

You feel guilty, don't you? I separated from my DH in January, he's blind. I didn't leave him because he is blind. I have tons of guilt, but I stand by my decision and we are both much better now that we no longer have the marriage pressure on us anymore.

gizmocat1 Sat 04-Aug-18 18:49:48

Thank you all for your advice. I do feel guilty. My husband isn’t a bad person but we’ve both changed or not grown with each other. He had a heart bypass a few years ago , though he’s okay now. Also, his first wife financially screwed him when they divorced 20 years ago. I’m not planing on doing that but we will have to sell and divide assets . I wish we didn’t have to but I can’t see any other way. I plan to give him a bigger split as I can get a small mortgage.

And yes, if my son was unhappy, I’d want it so his life was better and he was happy, however that could happen. Mum isn’t religious , I think she just thinks I’ll have an easier life with him than without him. It’s all very hard ☹️

misscph1973 Sat 04-Aug-18 19:24:46

Yes, it's hard. That's why you have been putting it off for so many years.

You don't have to give your DH a bigger split just because you are the one who wants out. You should have a fair split, his ex-wife is not relevant. You need to make sure that your son is ok.

I honestly don't understand your mum, surely she knows that she is not unhappy? I have a vert problematic relationship to my mum, but she did not tell me to stay in my unhappy marriage.

gizmocat1 Sat 11-Aug-18 04:36:05

We returned from holiday on Thursday night . Spoke to my mum earlier. She still things we shouldn’t split up as she says I can’t afford it and he’s not a bas person. She went on about what he does do for me when I work full-time. Feel alone ☹️. I know He’s not a bad person and he does do some house jobs and childcare after/before school. I just don’t find him attractive anymore and just can’t make myself have sex with him again. We tolerate each other and that is all. We haven’t shared a room for a long time. Surely it’s not best for anyone to live like this? I had made up my mind to pursue a split again but now I feel unsupported . Feel I’ve no-one to turn to ☹️

WasFatNowThin Sat 11-Aug-18 07:49:11

You must leave him, it's not fair on either of you to live like that.

My mum didn't agree with me leaving my ex (who was 20 years older than me), but she agrees that I'm happier now.

GeorgeIII Sat 11-Aug-18 07:53:03

You are talking about your future but ime (I am 60s) decent older men don't have a problem finding new partners. I wouldn't think you are abandoning him to a sad lonely latter years. He is likely to meet someone to have a happy future with so you could easily be doing him a favour by separating.

gizmocat1 Sat 11-Aug-18 09:16:19

Thank you for your advice. I will try to talk to him. I’m sure he could meet someone else quite easily who he has more in common with. He plays musical instruments and is in a band and he is in a running club so he’s very sociable. I’d like him to be happy, he deserves that x

category12 Sat 11-Aug-18 09:22:29

Your mum will probably come round once you've split: people like the status quo. It's your one life.

3luckystars Sat 11-Aug-18 09:25:24

I think if you can imagine him with someone else, and you are ok with that, then it’s over.

That’s a rough test but it has always worked for me. Even if you don’t love him anymore, you did one time so you know he deserves to be happy too.

ravenmum Sat 11-Aug-18 10:54:46

I think it might be one of those times when you have to put your big girl's pants on and forget the idea of someone holding your hand through it. You're getting to (or long past?) that age when the mum/daughter roles start to reverse and you realise your mum is not going to be much help. A separation is always hard; her support won't change that, but you are a mature, intelligent woman, and acting like one will make you feel better.

You know what's good for you. She does not. Smile kindly at her antiquated views and tell her your plans. Tell her that you would rather be a bit worse off but leading a fulfilled life. Tell her that your husband is not going to vanish into thin air when you split up, but will continue to be a father to his child. Stop asking her stuff, as it's just upsetting you.

How will he react? Do you think you can sell this to him as being the best for you both?

Are you sure his ex really "screwed him over"? I presume she went through the court? That's not tricking someone out of money. Make sure you don't buy into his narrative and end up martyring yourself just so as to not be the "nasty ex". That would be him screwing you over.

gizmocat1 Sat 11-Aug-18 16:31:53

Hi,
I don’t mind if he met someone else. I’d like him to be happy and to be truthful it would probably make me feel better and less guilty if he did.

As far as my mum goes. It would just be nice to have her support but this isn’t likely to happen. I guess I just need someone to talk to and a lot of our friends and family will struggle with the concept of splitting as they like both of us.

I need to talk to hubby again but he’s still in his denial phase at present and I don’t want to start an arguement with our son around.

With regards to first wife. She was bad with money , got herself into a lot of debt which hubby had to clear. She cashed in her pension before applying to divorce and squirrelled it away . Then she divorced hubby, and he had to give her the marital home so he could keep his teachers pension for the future. She also made him pay back a monetary gift which he believed to be a loan from her mother for a house extension they had. It was all unpleasant. Hubby had nothing at all in the end and had to start again from zero. Obviously , this was the interpretation I was given and there are 2 sides to any story .

I don’t intend to do any of this as I’d like us both to have somewhere to live that is nice for our son and his older birth children and grandchildren to visit .

I think I need to seek legal advice to see where we stand before talking to him again xxx

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