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Catlady and Mini: Our new beginning (Support Thread)

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CatLadyToddlerMother Fri 27-Jul-18 17:47:18

Previous thread here from AIBU

Told to start new thread over here for support. TL:DR as previous thread is almost full: On 4th March this year my husband attacked me and threatened to kill me in front of our then 2 year old. I spent 10 days living on my mums sofa. Am now back in the flat we shared but planning to move soon on the request of my lovely over involved Social Worker. DD is now 3 and despite a few developmental issues is coming on in leaps and bounds. We also have a cat who is fussy, selfish and snobby lovely.

Mini and the cat have been the only things keeping me going sometimes, I've been so down even though everyone thinks I'm doing ok, sometimes I wonder if I'm too good at hiding it and I actually am loosing my mind.

Will post all updates here from now on.

CatLadyToddlerMother Tue 18-Sep-18 10:29:46

Finally seem to be coming out the other side (hurrah!). DD seems to be looking a bit better than she was and has eaten a bit of porridge this morning! First food since Saturday night.

She's still having calpol 3-4 times a day but we're making progress. Hopefully she's able to go back to Nursery on Friday.

Motoko Tue 18-Sep-18 11:22:52

It's always a good sign when they have something to eat. I bet you're relieved she's eaten something. That's a long time to go without food.

CatLadyToddlerMother Tue 18-Sep-18 11:28:40

She has gone longer without food when ill but it's worrying when she goes more than one meal without food as she loves her food so much.

MrsRubyMonday Tue 18-Sep-18 11:55:11

Cats are the best when you're ill. Hope Mini is feeling better soon. I've been reading since your first thread and can't get over how strong you've been. Mini is lucky to have such an amazing mum.

Motoko Tue 18-Sep-18 15:06:21

Yeah, I found that the first sign of illness was when one of the kids went off food, so when they started eating again, I knew they were over the worst.

Mini will be back to her old self soon enough, and she'll be raring to go and play with her friends!

CatLadyToddlerMother Tue 18-Sep-18 15:58:22

Turned her nose up at Beans on Toast her favourite but did manage to eat the fudge bar my granddad gave her hmm

notsodimwit Tue 18-Sep-18 16:05:27

So pleased she is on the mend smile

Motoko Tue 18-Sep-18 19:09:12

Haha! Well, at least it's something, a little chocolate and fudge isn't going to hurt her.

CatLadyToddlerMother Tue 18-Sep-18 21:32:35

a little chocolate and fudge isn't going to hurt her.

Maybe I'm just jealous that granddad forgot to get me one! grin

Motoko Wed 19-Sep-18 09:13:40

Haha, I don't blame you, I love them!

CatLadyToddlerMother Wed 19-Sep-18 11:39:21

Well she was fine and then went downhill again.

Back to the doctors this afternoon. Thankfully my surgery has a policy of prioritizing under 5s.

notsodimwit Wed 19-Sep-18 12:02:43

Oh! poor you and your little girl xxx hope she gets sorted out today

CatLadyToddlerMother Wed 19-Sep-18 20:01:24

Doctor was useless.

Said I'm not to give calpol more than twice a day in case she gets addicted (I am not the kind of parent to just give in to her, if she asks and doesn't need it she's not having it!) and to keep up with antibiotics twice a day.

I'm seeing my GP next week (the lovely female one I mentioned on my previous thread) so if she's still not right I'll mention it to her, she got Mini in to see her the same day last time I had concerns.

TheMShip Wed 19-Sep-18 22:34:35

Calpol is fine up to 4x daily at 6h intervals. GP is over-cautious. FIL is a pharmacist and he says yes paracetamol is easily overdosed, but following guidelines on the bottle you will be fine.

CatLadyToddlerMother Wed 19-Sep-18 22:44:44

I always give 5ml every 4-6 hours and only give if she has a temp of 38+ or is inconsolable with pain. For a 3 year old the bottle says 7.5ml so I’m underdosing her deliberately

CatLadyToddlerMother Fri 21-Sep-18 14:46:20

Nursery told me to send her in today with antibiotics and cotton wool so she could do water play.

Did I need that sleep or did I not? Was supposed to call Nursery at lunchtime to see if she was ok, slept right through. Oops. I assume they'd have called me if there was any problems.

Feeling so much better now though

Motoko Fri 21-Sep-18 16:23:29

I guess it all caught up with you. As you said, they'll have called you if there was a problem.

CatLadyToddlerMother Fri 21-Sep-18 17:31:59

I love this Nursery!

Forgot to ask them to make sure MIni wore her hat when playing outside (or inside with the doors open). They did it anyway!

Motoko Fri 21-Sep-18 18:03:02

Good that you didn't have to spell out the obvious to them!

CatLadyToddlerMother Sun 23-Sep-18 17:49:35

Think I'm making headway with ExH finally!

He had contact today organised by SW. She told me if he did anything I was unhappy with today she would never make another arrangement for contact again and will tell ExH to take me to court.

He returned at 5.05pm, which was technically 5 minutes late but I can be a lenient because I do know how difficult it is to get Mini to put her shoes on and get her toys together.

He was polite on the doorstep and appears to have followed my instructions about not letting her hair or ears get wet and not to wipe or touch discharge (I was given special bathing instructions which would have been hard to do with her in 3 hours so I just said don't wipe or wash it). He's not seen her since before her birthday so she;s finally got her birthday presents, which she loves. Lots of dressing up things and some new dolls* and a couple of books, which are actually going to really help her speech. He's even done her SAL exercises with her!

Hope he keeps this up as if he does and sees her regularly I'll be able to trust him to have her for longer and with less supervision. This is all I've ever wanted.

Mini is trying to convince me that "Daddy doesn't let me have squash" which I know she's had as I can smell it on her breath**.

Only small thing is her nappy hasn't been changed but he had her 3 hours and she could easily have peed enough after that to have soaked her nappy, so I'm not overly concerned it hasn't been done if he'd had her longer I'd have been a bit peed off.

*Because she needed another 3 when she has 10 already but she's happy so can;t complain

**Again not worried I usually let her have one cup a day but she does have occasional day where she has none so if it's all she's drunk with her dad I don't mind, at least he gave her a drink!

CatLadyToddlerMother Tue 25-Sep-18 08:38:14

Good job Nursery uniform isn’t compulsory.

DD decided today was the day she was going to accessorize and wear a princess dress up skirt and cat ears headband – so much more confident than I ever was grin

Motoko Tue 25-Sep-18 21:08:21

She's got style!

CatLadyToddlerMother Wed 26-Sep-18 09:29:04

Well he does suprise me.

Court papers have come through this morning.

Worried about it now

CatLadyToddlerMother Wed 26-Sep-18 09:39:24

He asking for full custody of her!

And he’s lied on the form saying there was no domestic abuse or violence.

What evidence do I need? And how do I present it to the courts? The forms aren’t clear

TheMShip Wed 26-Sep-18 10:49:57

Since there was indeed domestic abuse, you should qualify for legal aid. You need a solicitor to help you navigate the forms. Women's Aid or your SW might be able to help you find someone appropriate.

CatLadyToddlerMother Wed 26-Sep-18 11:06:00

The court papers say I can’t discuss the case with SW anymore.

CatLadyToddlerMother Wed 26-Sep-18 14:07:03

She’s on his side anyway. I never expected it.

She’s told me he cares about her despite him not coming to a single appointment, never contacting the Nursery and only replying to my emails when he wants her for contact.

She says it’s not unreasonable of him to never go to appointments as I’m going and she says it’s ok for him to expect me to contact him after them and not the other way round.

She says I’ve been obstructing contact and I’ve been pushing him out, despite him having contact with her every time he’s asked.

Apparently he’s a good dad whose just been in unfortunate circumstances that mean he’s harmed me and DD. He’s told SW he never hurt DD and as I wasn’t actually there for one incident I can’t be witness to it and the other incident can’t be used in court as it wasn’t documented.

Apparently his parents who’ve bullied me and threatened me and my mum are just hard done by grandparents who just want to see her.

I’m going to lose this I think, I might as well hand her over to him now. I ain’t watching him kill her.

mandi73 Wed 26-Sep-18 14:09:26

I'll admit i don't know a lot about court but I don't think they can stop you discussing ongoing issues with your Social Worker?????
Especially seeing as you haven't actually been to court yet

kaitlinktm Wed 26-Sep-18 16:18:27

You need to see a solicitor - or at least CAB - but a solicitor is better. Don't give up on her OP. Contact Women's Aid and ask their advice at the very least.

Jux Wed 26-Sep-18 17:17:27

Find a good family solicitor. It's really strange that it should say you can't talk to your SW about it, how can she do her job properly if you can't? It's bonkers. Are they real Court papers?

Have a word with a solicitor and find out what that's about, and what your other options are.

Please don't hand dd over to him.

CatLadyToddlerMother Wed 26-Sep-18 17:39:57

Definitely real papers as they name a solicitors firm nearby and also a date for a premilimary hearing.

CatLadyToddlerMother Wed 26-Sep-18 18:59:45

Phoned the solicitor but apparently because he has legal aid I am going to have to pay the fees myself.

I can't afford this.

He's won. I was doing so well, but he's won.

TheMShip Wed 26-Sep-18 19:15:48

That doesn't make sense to me. Call Women's Aid.

Kirbs1979 Wed 26-Sep-18 21:31:49

Hi Catlady, I don't really have any advice but don't give up, he hasn't won. TheFormidableMrsC helped you before, I would message her, see if she can provide any guidance flowers

kaitlinktm Wed 26-Sep-18 21:36:49

Phone Women's Aid tomorrow - or even tonight.

I have heard (on these boards - don't pretend to be an expert) that you can get legal aid if there has been violence - and he has been violent towards you, despite the fact he is denying it, and you contacted the police, so there is evidence. CatLady please don't just lie down and give up. Phone Women's Aid.

CatLadyToddlerMother Wed 26-Sep-18 21:43:07

I contacted the NCDV they gave me advice before but I never used them, but they seemed really keen to help and will ring my Womens Aid Support Worker tomorrow.

kaitlinktm Wed 26-Sep-18 22:00:24

Please do - I can't believe that anyone would take a happy toddler from her loving full time resident parent and hand her over to someone who isn't her full time carer - even if there had been no violence (which there has been).

Find it hard to believe that you can't involve your SW either (although you feel she is on his side so maybe it's just as well).

If it weren't so stressful for you I would welcome a day in court where a judge told him where to get off. Anyway, talking to WA is the best way to go because not many of us on here are experts (I'm certainly not).

CatLadyToddlerMother Wed 26-Sep-18 23:07:42

I can't believe that anyone would take a happy toddler from her loving full time resident parent

At the moment I wouldn't put it past them. ExH has basicaly slated my mental health, lied on the forms and is saying I am emotionally unstable and unable to care for DD. SW is saying I'm obstructive and I have no seeked help for my mental health - I have, I'm on Antidepressants, I have made friends with a couple of other single mothers, I have the contact numbers for 2 of the parents from Nursery and I also regularly attend meetings with my WA support worker although I admit I've missed two appointments but one was just after Mini's operation and she was too ill for Nursery but I forgot to cancel it. I've said I don't want counselling a) because I absolutely feel fine in myself, I'm not suicidal, I'm not down, I in fact feel the best I've ever felt and b) because I don't know how I'd fit it in with Mini's medical appointments and as I said I feel fine in myself. I will admit I have bad days, I'm not perfect but I have never not done things I've had to do for DD - she gets to all her appointments even if I have to say "I don't have a car so can we have it at X hospital instead as I can get there on the bus/train/foot". I have not said I will never have counselling in the future I've said no right now. But the SW is saying I'm not helping myself and I'm not as fine as I say I am - I honestly am, if I wasn't I'd completely shut down, I wouldn't be having a playdate with my friend for DD and her DD tomorrow, I wouldn't be heading to the shops after dropping DD at Nursery.

I admit home conditions haven't always been perfect but they are a hell of a lot better and nobody seems to recognise that actually they were bad before we split up and ExH is just as much to blame as me. Everyone is saying it's me that's the problem, yet here I am holding it all together and yet everyone's pointing the finger and making ExH is the poor scorned Ex cut out of his childs life.

But I will fight for her. And I know if I lose her at least I tried. He'll poison her against me and I'll never see her again, but at least I'll have tried.

Sorry for the rant.

CatLadyToddlerMother Wed 26-Sep-18 23:16:54

And by bad days I mean, I have days where I drop Mini at Nursery (you know where she's safe, happy, settled, loved and I have trouble getting her home from at the end the day so you know hardly a bad thing) and I get home sleep for a few hours, tackle a bit of housework then go for a walk along the canal, not with the intention of hurting myself, but because I can find a bench to sit on and I sit and watch the boats and the ducks and the wind rustling the trees - I find this relaxing. And I think a day "away from it all" like this occasionally (even once a week) is far better for my mental health than anything a counsellor can say. I live in a beautiful little town, and I do enjoy looking at it sometimes.

Clutterbugsmum Thu 27-Sep-18 07:05:06

Sorry your going through this, and it explains why he was so good with minicat at the weekend. He knew he was about to drop this bomb shell on you.

And as for your SW unfortunately I think you now need to be very careful what you tell her, because for some reason she is no longer fully supporting you and more importantly Mini cat.

I don't understand how she can do a 180 degree turn in her view of what happening with you.

CatLadyToddlerMother Thu 27-Sep-18 10:20:40

I give up!

NCDV are saying they can’t help me as he’s applied to them and proved I abused him and it’s a clash of interest.

Civil Legal Advice say I’m too far from them for them to help me.

CAB are only open one day a month and I only have 3 weeks to fill the forms in for court so not sure I’ll have enough time to go to CAB.

I’m struggling here that he’s basically proved I abused him. Maybe I did, I don’t know. Maybe I just have to accept that I’m not the best person for Mini.

Motoko Thu 27-Sep-18 10:35:28

What have Women's Aid said?

CatLadyToddlerMother Thu 27-Sep-18 10:37:05

I’ve called and left a message for my support worker

CatLadyToddlerMother Thu 27-Sep-18 11:32:09

I've found a solicitor!

Appointment is next week. She does take legal aid but only in certain circumstances but my mum's going to get a loan for me if needs be to pay for it or her workplace might pay. I need to pay £100 up front to start with, but I've been told she's one of the best in the business for this sort of thing.

I have an amazing family, I know I do!

Blobby10 Thu 27-Sep-18 16:09:57

CatLady I have nothing useful to add, no helpful advice to give. But I am in awe of you - after everything your horrible Ex is putting you through, your SW letting you down - everything! You are still upright, still fighting.

Your daughter is so very lucky to have a) such a wonderful mum and b) to have such an amazing role model


Motoko Thu 27-Sep-18 19:44:50

That's good news!

CatLadyToddlerMother Thu 27-Sep-18 20:23:41

I’ve just written a list of everything that’s happened since we split that I have evidence for. My god, I didn’t realise he’d dig himself such a big hole. I didn’t believe he’d not get no contact but writing all down I’m beginning to wonder if a year or two of no contact would be better for him to get himself sorted out.

CatLadyToddlerMother Fri 28-Sep-18 16:06:57

Social Worker is now saying that I have to let DD go with her to a supervised contact visit with ExH so she can complete an assessment on him. She won't tell me when it'll be and is expecting me to provide nappies, wipes, spare clothes and a snack for her as well as her carseat.

Does anyone know whether I have to let her go? Or can I wait for Cafcass and make them do it in a contact centre?

I'm not comfortable with no knowing where she is and how long she'll be away from me especially as SW has suddenly changed sides, I'm worried I won't get DD back after he's gone for Full Custody.

Clutterbugsmum Fri 28-Sep-18 17:41:18

I'd speak to her manager, and explain that your SW worker has totally change her thinking towards your EX, and is now suggesting that she takes Minicat to see him but won't tell you when or where they are going, and you are no comfortable with this.

Ask her to explain to you why this is happening, why all the the cloak and dagger about SW taking Minicat, and as her mother and the one who has been caring for her would you allow your child to be taken somewhere with out knowing where.

Because let face it even it was you mum she would tell you where they were going.

CatLadyToddlerMother Fri 28-Sep-18 18:17:57

I assume I can say no, which I think I will.

If they need to see ExH with Mini then the courts/cafcass can ask for that and I will work with them. I'm not going to be giving in to his demands 4 weeks before we go to court about the issue anyway.

Homebird8 Fri 28-Sep-18 21:25:24

If the SW is already saying you are obstructive in letting Ex see Mini then saying no now when they would be supervised by a professional would be giving them evidence. They may get positive evidence of Ex caring for Mini if you say yes but this will be less powerful than the negative evidence of you refusing.

CatLadyToddlerMother Sat 29-Sep-18 12:42:13

Been to my doctor this morning.

She is really happy with me, is really pleased I am doing well. Doesn't think I need counselling, and is happy to submit a report on me to the courts stating I am doing loads better and I look a lot better than I did.

She's said she can tell I'm not suicidal and doesn't think I pose a risk to Mini (who was happily running around the room laughing at her own reflection grin --definitely my child--). She says the way I deal with bad days is perfectly acceptable, and her only advise it to use the Nursery or family members if I need them.

I may have high fived the air on coming out. I feel so good in myself, actually I'm the happiest I've ever been.

Queenofthestress Mon 01-Oct-18 17:23:45

Has the social worker said anything else?

CatLadyToddlerMother Mon 01-Oct-18 17:29:21

She text me asking if the report she'd written was ok, and if she could show it to ExH which confuses me as I'm sure she told me right at the start that we can't keep it from him.

Jux Mon 01-Oct-18 22:04:50

She sounds a bit confused. Did you say she was young? Perhaps she's very new and has lost her way a bit, or got you confused with another client or something?

CatLadyToddlerMother Mon 01-Oct-18 22:25:22

Not young, older than me, but not as old as my mum (my mums in her 50s).

Queenofthestress Mon 01-Oct-18 22:37:03

I think you need to speak to her manager and find out what the hell is going on because this woman seems to be back and forth on what she's saying about his contact access

CatLadyToddlerMother Tue 02-Oct-18 12:42:28

Now I'm even more confused.

Manager says contact supervised by the SW is "Par of the course of going to court" and SW can insist that the courts let her supervise. Contact will be in a public place, but they can't stop every member of ExHs family turning up and basically doing the caring for DD. Apparently though it's not uncommon when this happens that the dad does all the caring just to make himself look better. I know up to noiw Ex-MIL has done all the nappy changes and other caring as DD says so "grandma change nappy".

She doesn't know what's going on with the report because it's not the departments policy to keep a person with PR from information about their child.

I don't think they believe me. The report talks about speaking to my doctor, and my WA worker but not ExHs doctor or whereever he went for his apparent counselling, it talks about me being overanxious and obstructive of contact but how much ExH cares about DD - not mention of the fact there's been over 20 appointments since we split and he's not done a single one, no mention of the fact he's never spoken to the Nursery about DD.

They're trying to prove she's unsafe with me aren't they? Even with my doctors backing I'm going to lose her to a man that in the blink of an eye can go from being fine and happy to angry and violent.

Why is this allowed?

Jux Tue 02-Oct-18 14:20:27

Can you ask for them to gat reports from his doctor and his counsellor (and anyone else?).

If it's "par for the course" then you probably should allow it, as looking obstructive is not good. I'm afraid I don't know much about the process, but I think that all the reports which show his violence towards you will be submitted to the Court, and judges aren't stupid (they are bound by the law though).

I don't think his not doing appointments or speaking to nursery are of account though, as long as you are keeping him informed. It's unfair that the onus is on you, but that's the way it is atm.

I don't think they are trying to take her away from you. When they talk about you being over-anxious, for instance, what do they say about it? Does your doctor's report refute it?

Queenofthestress Tue 02-Oct-18 14:21:15

No, no you will not. Caffcass is a completely different ball park to social services, they've seen this type of stuff over and over. They won't mention speaking to his doctors or counselling because that's to do with him, just like they won't speak to him about you. Cafcass is the one that will focus on if he's attended appointments, spoken to nursery, that kind of thing. You need a shit hot lawyer though

CatLadyToddlerMother Tue 02-Oct-18 14:29:08

They say I’m over anxious and let that stop DD from doing things - it never does stop me doing anything, she goes to Nursery even on my worst days, in the last few weeks she’s had 2 play dates and been to 2 different soft plays and I was chatting to the staff and the mums of other children she stuck up a friendship with. SW insists I need counselling, my doctor says there’s no point as although I’m still having anxiety attacks and moments where I feel scared it’s not stopping me doing anything and she’s met Mini and says she’s happy and healthy. I never not feed Mini due to my depression admittedly I might get us a McDonald’s or something if we’re out at an appointment but she’s never had a takeaway and I do now have enough meals in my freezer that if I’m not feeling up to cooking I can take one out and give DD that (usually stuff that can be done from frozen like lasagne or pie or something). Report says I justify myself a lot to both the Nursery and SS, but I feel like I have to because they’re judging my parenting.

I’m already one step behind ExH as he’s lied on the court forms saying that DD has never been subject to domestic violence or abuse - social worker has seen forms and hasn’t even commented that he’s not said she’s witnessed this so I know they don’t believe me.

Jux Tue 02-Oct-18 15:05:13

So your doctor's report does refute the SW claims - that's great.

Keep a note of things. Keep notes each time she has a playdate, each tine you go out for the day etc. They will prove that you're not stopping dd from doing normal th8ngs. Oh, and a MacDonald's really isn't a problem, especially within the context of 'proper' food. Honestly, we've all given our children Happy Meals (probably even the judge)!

Jux Tue 02-Oct-18 15:06:58

But do find a SHL as Queen says.

CatLadyToddlerMother Tue 02-Oct-18 15:33:33

My doctor is happy to write a report for the court, she said I'm doing really well. Not only do I sound better in myself - more upbeat and happier (her words not mine), but she's also says I look better. She's seen me 4 times since the split, and the first time was a week after he attacked me and I couldn't string a sentence together due to being so upset and anxious, we had a lovely conversation on Saturday about Drs son starting University. She also says I have colour in my cheeks now, and my whole demeanor is more upbeat and healthy. She says I'm not going to be happy and ok every single and she'd be worried about anyone who was let alone someone whose been through what I've been through (again she said this not me) but she said the way I feal with bad days and the way I parent DD proves that actually I'm ok most of the time, and I am no risk. She did the paper score thing that they do for MH issues (not sure if it's just my surgery or a universal thing), on my very first one I scored -1 which means I was a risk this time i scored 15/20 which means i'm classed as stable. I'm not suicidal but the SW keeps saying just because I'm not doesn't mean I'm "ok" but actually I feel ok.

Seeing a solicitor tomorrow, she comes highly recommended for cases like mine, got her card from a woman at my mums work who used her to regain custody of her son in similar circumstances.

CatLadyToddlerMother Tue 02-Oct-18 15:44:15

*every single minute
**deal with bad days

Blobby10 Tue 02-Oct-18 16:05:10

CatLady I have followed your threads from the beginning and you are still the most awesome person I have ever read about. I have no experience in any of what you are going through but one thing stood out:
When you said they say you are overanxious and "stop your DD doing things", please ask them to be specific and state exactly what they mean - if they say you "never take her out", you already have specific days where you can evidence that they are incorrect. Do this with everything they say and write the answer down (if you can).

If I had a magic wand I would send it straight to you - I don't know anyone who deserves one more.


Jux Tue 02-Oct-18 16:05:21

Catlady, you couldn't ask for a better endorsement than what your doctor has said, really people would pay good money to have a doctor say that about them!

I think with the sort of reports you will have from the doctor and the nursery that you really don't need to worry too much. And great news about the lawyer - very best of luck there tomorrow.

CatLadyToddlerMother Tue 02-Oct-18 17:30:00

I feel like they're looking for a reason to say "he's not a risk". If I say yes basically they've found their reason, it goes to court and I lose her for being overanxious or so it appears.

If I say no I'm obstructive and that also goes against me in court. I can't win. They've got me in a catch 22, basically to prove my mental health isn't good to remove her from me and give her to him.

CatLadyToddlerMother Tue 02-Oct-18 17:36:47

I think I need to accept that he's manipulated everyone to make it seem like I'm the liar, and although I have evidence he's some how got everyone thinking he's the "poor dad who doesn't get contact" won't help that Ex-MIL told me what he did wasn't that bad and I need to stop being a drama queen.

I will still see my solicitor tomorrow but I'm not hopeful we'll win. I think i need to accept that this is the last time DD will live with me and ensure it's the best time possible - we did a leaf hunt on the way home as they're making pictures at Nursery tomorrow, even found a conker which she was excited to show off to them all. And we found a feather in my cousins favourite colours - my cousin died in 2014 and was my best friend.

kaitlinktm Tue 02-Oct-18 18:16:25

Well you take that feather as a good omen - a sign from your cousin. I bet you will feel better when you have seen your solicitor.

He can't get away from the fact that he was violent - and this is documented - and he has lied about it.

CitySnicker Tue 02-Oct-18 20:12:39

I’m guessing they’re just trying to work out if he can see her, not that they’re taking her away. They are trying to see if your being obstructive re contact justifiably...or if your mental health is blowing things out of proportion.

Queenofthestress Thu 04-Oct-18 08:05:36

How did the solicitor meeting go?

CatLadyToddlerMother Thu 04-Oct-18 16:53:26

Solicitor is hopeful we can get supervised only access but because he's asked for full custody with no visitation for me angry I can't do anything like apply for schools as they could still switch custody to him. She doesn't legally have to go until September 2020 as she's not 5 until June 2020 but I wanted to start the process particularly as she may need an EHCP but I've been told to hang fire until after the preliminary hearing.

He's got what he wanted anyway, to mess me around. She may end up with a delayed start to school, which means I can't work or anything until we know.

CatLadyToddlerMother Thu 04-Oct-18 18:44:40

I’m still as worried as I was before I saw her. She says she’s hopeful and thinks we’ve got enough evidence plus the fact he’s lied but you just never know and it can depend on the Cafcass guardian/judge as much as anything.

Also panicking a bit as DD has been saying she wants to live with her dad since her last contact sad. I don’t know what to say to her to make it better sad

Queenofthestress Sat 06-Oct-18 06:33:03

Thought I'd already replied oops!
Whens the court date?

CatLadyToddlerMother Sat 06-Oct-18 14:06:31

1st November, got cafcass interview the week before that and seeing solicitor again on 29th October to finalise everything for the first hearing.

Queenofthestress Sat 06-Oct-18 15:33:01

Cafcass are wonderful, they'll speak to nursery, your family, the doctors, every one they can to get the full picture. The first hearing is usually just a plan of action if any needs to be under taken i.e my SIL's ex was indirect contact only whilst cafcass investigated

CatLadyToddlerMother Sat 06-Oct-18 16:10:23

I'm so hoping cafcass are alright. My mum, my best friend, one of the mums from Nursery are all happy to speak on my behalf, my doctor is happy to write a report and/or speak about me in court or on the phone -will it matter that I've asked her to not mention two things? They don't affect my parenting, and happened before ExH and I got together so he's unaware of them, but I don't really want them bringing up as I was teenager (Nothing serious, I had Glandular Fever for 18 months and was bed bound at one point with it which is on my records, I was 17/18 when it happened and didn't get with ExH until a year later and the other thing is I have a caution on my police record from before I was 16 - I stole some sweets from a shop aged 13/14 as I was out of pocket money, got caught and got the caution. It's never stopped me being employed so it doesn't reflect my character now, will court run a DBS or anything? It appeared on my university CRB but they let it slide as they said anything that happens before 16 as long as it's not serious can be put down to errors of judgement) Dr said she doesn't need to say those things and it shouldn't be brought up in court, but it's worrying me a bit. Nursery have also said that they're happy to write a statement/have a phone conversation with cafcass.

I have a support network, I can prove that. I can show on my bank statements and on my mums (as she sometimes pays) that I take DD swimming and to soft play, I have photos of her at various soft play places.

I'm a bit more confident today that Mini is going nowhere. I can't see how indirect contact would work as he never replies to my emails unless he asks to see her, but I am happy to keep sending them anyway, he is her dad and he is entitled to that information about her.

Motoko Sat 06-Oct-18 19:18:17

I don't see what relevance having glandular fever when you were a teen has on this situation, whether they get told about it or not. Why would it be relevant? I don't understand your thinking on that.

I do understand why you'd be worried about your caution, but it won't make any difference. You were a minor at the time, and there are plenty of families with a parent who has a criminal record, much worse, yet they don't have their children taken from them because of it.

CatLadyToddlerMother Sat 06-Oct-18 19:30:22

Because I’ve had depression and anxiety since I was a teen so worried they might say “well she spent x amount of months in bed then so that might happen again”

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit Sat 06-Oct-18 19:44:34

well she spent x amount of months in bed then so that might happen again

Well your DH tried to kill you so that might happen again.
Well there were queries about how safe your DD was with your DH so that might happen again.

Can you see how that goes both ways?

If the worst things you think they might use against you are that you had glandular fever as a child and that you were anxious after your DH attacked you - then that's nothing. There is a trail of abuse from your DH towards you and neglect towards your DD.

CatLadyToddlerMother Sat 06-Oct-18 21:53:09

If the worst things you think they might use against you are that you had glandular fever as a child and that you were anxious after your DH attacked you - then that's nothing.

When you put it like that it makes logical sense, I know I'm overthinking everything, probably as a result of him - he made me think I'm a bad mother so I constantly look for the evidence that I am. Despite being told by several people (including the MD of the Nursery in front of the Social Worker a few weeks ago) that I am a good mother.

Queenofthestress Sun 07-Oct-18 07:50:54

Have you been offered anything like victim support? My nspcc worker said that what they look for with caffcass isnt evidence that you have mental health problems but evidence that you've recongised you've got them and are being treated for them so you're SW was talking a load of codswollop

CatLadyToddlerMother Sun 07-Oct-18 09:24:22

I have a women’s Aid Support Worker but I’ve not had contact with her for awhile. I was supposed to do Freedom Programme but they lost the funding for it so it didn’t go ahead. Victim Support discharged me a week after this happened as they felt WA were better placed to help me.

Doctor won’t refer me anywhere as she doesn’t think I need it

CatLadyToddlerMother Sun 07-Oct-18 10:08:47

I also have the help of GDDUK for DDs GDD, they have meetups although less of them in the winter months as they try and go to places that are public and cheap which are less places in autumn/winter. But I also have access to a Facebook page which I can rant, ask for advice or just chat on at any time to people all over the country with children with GDD. This is actual a sub-group of a bigger charity, but that shouldn't matter?

I also am in contact with IPSEA to get some advice on how to proceed with schools and EHCPs, they've been very helpful and listening to me.

I see my Depression/Anxiety as part of me, almost a seperate personality. It doesn't work for everyone, as everyone is different, but if I treat it as something that needs both indulging occasionally and ignoring. So it's ok to indulge in a lazy/pyjama day occasionally if I need it as long as most of the time I'm living up to my responsibilities and not letting that aspect of me affect my daily life regularly.

dizzy174 Sun 07-Oct-18 11:26:08

there is no arguing with that last paragraph catlady. print it off and hold on to it tight.

Queenofthestress Sun 07-Oct-18 11:47:28

I still need to join that group on facebook, I keep forgetting! We're having trouble with DS's ECHP as well, my mother's coming with me to parents evening to sort out school though

CatLadyToddlerMother Sun 07-Oct-18 15:41:04

Queenofthestress It's a really great group, I haven't posted on it for awhile but when I do you'll probably recognise me as my DDs name is an unusual spelling of a common name plus I've posted her medical problems here.

Queenofthestress Sun 07-Oct-18 21:47:57

Is it the one with the rainbow heart around it?

CatLadyToddlerMother Sun 07-Oct-18 22:13:24

I’m on that one but also on another one which I use more with handprints as the photo

Queenofthestress Sun 07-Oct-18 22:20:03

Found it, I was on it before but had to remake my facebook because of DD's sperm donor, I'll keep an eye out for you lol need to ask about DS's school anyway!

CatLadyToddlerMother Mon 08-Oct-18 14:30:15

Bloody social worker turns up unannounced. DDs asleep, I'm still in my pyjamas shock nothing revealing just a baggy tshirt and trackies but still I'm not decent

Queenofthestress Mon 08-Oct-18 14:32:40

Snap I got a phone call off mine this morning

CatLadyToddlerMother Mon 08-Oct-18 14:50:45

Feeling pretty aggravated by it, she has no reason to pop by unannounced. The flat was a tip, and I just feel like she was nit picking every little thing about me and my situation - yes it's Monday afternoon, yes I'm still in my pyjamas as is DD, but todays our relax day. We'll pop to the shop later but I'll stick a jumper and coat with socks and shoes on DD, and I'll get dressed. But that's it. We'll watch Peppa Pig, take a few selfies and snooze when we want to. We've been out all weekend, and have plans for Thursday - friend of mine is taking us pumpkin picking with her little girl, then we're going to make pumpkin cake (yum!).

Jux Mon 08-Oct-18 15:27:49

Document it. All your reasons are good, people do have pyjamas days, and it's perfectly OK and normal. You've been busy and are relaxing. Seems like you're well-tuned to dd's needs.

CatLadyToddlerMother Mon 08-Oct-18 17:17:49

Having rotten luck today. Boilers broke, it's freezing but nothing HA can do until next week as I have an electric fire and an electric oven. Apparently we can camp out in the living room with the electric fire on despite the fact it costs 50p per hour to have it on!I said I have a 3 year old and they don't care, apparently lots of people are in similar positions and manage. Brilliant...

Queenofthestress Mon 08-Oct-18 17:25:54

She's under 5 so shouldn't she be a priority house?

CatLadyToddlerMother Mon 08-Oct-18 17:27:38

Apparently as I have other sources of heating and I am a top floor flat that receives heat from the flat below it doesn't matter that I have a child. Trying to find out if this is true...

CatLadyToddlerMother Mon 08-Oct-18 17:29:26

I don't have an electric shower, so I have no means of washing me or DD until they fix the heating, I use a shower attachment on the taps.

CatLadyToddlerMother Mon 08-Oct-18 17:58:11

I give up trying to get through to anyone. Shelter are busy so can;t get through, HA keep fobbing me of with "Well its that time of year, we only have so many gas engineers you are were you are on the list".

I'll argue it tomorrow. I'll ring my solicitor if I need to. I am done with today. DDs having an early night to hopefully be asleep before it gets dark/cold. And if need be I'll do what I rarely do with her and co-sleep in my big double bed.

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