Yesterday morning my husband told me he was leaving me. I literally just got up as usual, met him in the kitchen, offered him him coffee - which he took - then suggested going on an outing with the children, at which point he infomed me that that would be impossible, because he is leaving. He said this very calmly, and just watched as I fell apart. No amount of me asking him to reconsider could persuade him otherwise, he was like a block of stone. We went out of the house to talk, and I then I stopped by my Aunt's house (who lives close by) to calm down afterwards, for a couple of hours, but when I returned home, I found he had already informed our 2 children that he was going!
The eldest has taken it well, he is soon off to university, but my youngest is 16 and hasn't spoken hardly at all since yesterday.
We have been together almost 20 years, married 11, but the last 2 years have been not good, we have both taken each other for granted, we had a few big arguments and DH runs his own business and works a lot, he suffers from occasional bouts of depression.
I have been doing a university degree (encouraged by DH) and I also became ill, I got a diagnosis last year of Fibromyalgia and now being investigated for M.E. and I had taken my eye off the ball as a result. I used to previously put him first, but I dropped a lot of the things I used to do, and keeping up with the housework has been tough. I have delegated some to the children but still I have not been my best keeping up with Ironing, cleaning, etc.
I asked him why he is leaving now, but all he would say is that he is going to be 50 this year and he isn't happy and wants to enjoy the rest of his life. What could I say to this? When I pressed him, he mentioned that we haven't made progress with doing up the house (we moved in 3 years ago and it still isn't fully decorated) - he blames me for this. I have been up crying all night. I keep trying to pull myself together but things keep replaying in my mind and then the tears come. The children will be up soon, so I'll have to put my game face on, but really don't know how to cope. He says he will not take anything we really need with him. It's like he has become a robot or something, I felt like he didn't love me at all. I was just someone he wanted to get away from. My mum says I should be angry, but I am in pieces and can't seem to summon it. I would appreciate a hand hold please.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Husband gone feeling bereft.
CrapYear · 25/07/2018 06:41
Thank you onetiredmum I am doing the crying believe me. Sorry to hear your experience
, but thank you for relating it. It helps.
Oh my god! What an absolute bastard!
I just don't know what to say, other than offering you a hand-hold, a hug, some 
and some 
How devastating for you OP, and obviously a total shock
Take one day at a time, don’t make any major decisions at the moment.
Make sure you eat and rest, accept offers of help etc. I know how hard it can be on couple when dx with a disability, I have MS, DH runs a business from home so he is always on hand to help as needed.
Please don’t think you have taken your “eye off the ball” OP, it’s really crap living with a disability, pain & fatigue are debilitating. I cope by practising yoga, and being mindful, mindfulness can be helpful in a situation like this, basically just living in the minute and I have some wonderful close friends.
And yes I think you are right, often in long relationships you do take each other for granted. There will be charities that can provide a listening ear. Have you also got friends in RL that will support you & your children at this awful time?
Sending you a hug OP 🤗
How awful. I’m so sorry. I’m afraid to say it but a suspect another woman will come out of the woodwork... prepare yourself for that.
Oh sweetheart, of course you’re in pieces.
What a selfish man. Firstly for making you feel it’s all your fault, you’ve been unwell and studying, has he been doing his fair share of housework? In fact he should have been doing more if you’ve been ill. Has he been stepping up to support the family more through your illness? Why hasn’t he done anything about sorting the house renovation? It’s his house too!
Secondly for just announcing he’s going and telling the kids without you, with no chance to work on it or seek counselling. He’s thinking only of himself, not his family, and I’d be disgusted and very angry with him.
Is there any chance there’s anything woman? I know it’s not always the case but the decisive action and coldness towards you, as well as this demonisation, seems like a tactic to make himself feel better about just sodding off, he’s trying to justify his selfish behaviour.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you, I am offering another hand to hold and sending you kind thoughts
I do not think there is another woman, however, last year during an argument he mentioned that other women still find him attractive and 'show interest' but he would never be unfaithful.
I am sorry but I think there is an OW. Men rarely walk away unless they have somewhere to go. He is a nasty human being as he gave you no chance to work things out and was planning another life while stringing you along.
So sorry
Thanks again for your kind messages. They really do mean so much!
I went to the doctors this morning for a pre-booked appointment as I have had a sore throat for over a week. Had phone switched off. When I got to the bus stop afterwards, I saw he had phoned. Decided to ignore it. Felt right but was a big mistake.
Well when I got home, I saw his car in the drive way and realised he was in the house and prepared myself mentally. I got in and there he was, seemingly in his element actually fixing a shelf to the wall
. He said hello all cheerily, then acted completely blaise when I asked him what he was doing; simply said he had always intended to put up the shelf and was doing it now. Then he offered me a cup of tea! As if nothing had happened! I said no and just went completely numb. I actually stood there speechless and then I walked into the living room and sat on the sofa. I cannot understand it. I'm experiencing complete cognitive dissonance.
After he finished he popped his head around the door and said; 'It's all done now, I've taken some more of my stuff, I'll be round for more tomorrow'. He didn't ask me if it was alright if he came tomorrow. He told me. By this time my youngest was downstairs too so I thought I can't tell him to f off. Instead I said I'd probably be out tomorrow and then he said 'oh one of the kids will let me in then' and then he left again.
How do I get my head around this strange behaviour? I had been not so bad since this morning, but about an hour after he left I was a crying mess again. I just do not understand how he could be so cold and detached so suddenly. Surely Siberia is warmer. Up till this week, we have even been sexually intimate! Before yesterday we watched mission impossible 4 and were talking about seeing the latest one. I just cannot get my head around it
.
I looked at our bed today. I think I'm going to have to get rid of it completely. It's large and empty and too much to handle.
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.