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Husband gone feeling bereft.

(282 Posts)
CrapYear Wed 25-Jul-18 06:41:50

Yesterday morning my husband told me he was leaving me. I literally just got up as usual, met him in the kitchen, offered him him coffee - which he took - then suggested going on an outing with the children, at which point he infomed me that that would be impossible, because he is leaving. He said this very calmly, and just watched as I fell apart. No amount of me asking him to reconsider could persuade him otherwise, he was like a block of stone. We went out of the house to talk, and I then I stopped by my Aunt's house (who lives close by) to calm down afterwards, for a couple of hours, but when I returned home, I found he had already informed our 2 children that he was going!

The eldest has taken it well, he is soon off to university, but my youngest is 16 and hasn't spoken hardly at all since yesterday.

We have been together almost 20 years, married 11, but the last 2 years have been not good, we have both taken each other for granted, we had a few big arguments and DH runs his own business and works a lot, he suffers from occasional bouts of depression.

I have been doing a university degree (encouraged by DH) and I also became ill, I got a diagnosis last year of Fibromyalgia and now being investigated for M.E. and I had taken my eye off the ball as a result. I used to previously put him first, but I dropped a lot of the things I used to do, and keeping up with the housework has been tough. I have delegated some to the children but still I have not been my best keeping up with Ironing, cleaning, etc.

I asked him why he is leaving now, but all he would say is that he is going to be 50 this year and he isn't happy and wants to enjoy the rest of his life. What could I say to this? When I pressed him, he mentioned that we haven't made progress with doing up the house (we moved in 3 years ago and it still isn't fully decorated) - he blames me for this. I have been up crying all night. I keep trying to pull myself together but things keep replaying in my mind and then the tears come. The children will be up soon, so I'll have to put my game face on, but really don't know how to cope. He says he will not take anything we really need with him. It's like he has become a robot or something, I felt like he didn't love me at all. I was just someone he wanted to get away from. My mum says I should be angry, but I am in pieces and can't seem to summon it. I would appreciate a hand hold please.

onetiredmum Wed 25-Jul-18 06:57:06

Oh my goodness I honestly don't know what to say. I'm shocked. Truly and utterly shocked.

As a fellow ME sufferer I can completely relate. My STBXH blamed me for our marriage breakdown too. Saying I wasn't giving enough attention to him etc.

All i can say is your children despite being older will need a lot of support still through this.

I honestly don't know how to deal with this id want to have a good cry. A bloody good cry. Let your children know that whatever happens you will always be there for them.

Stay strong. But remember you're not superwoman. You are allowed to cry x

CrapYear Wed 25-Jul-18 07:08:06

Thank you onetiredmum I am doing the crying believe me. Sorry to hear your experienceflowers, but thank you for relating it. It helps.

WowLookAtYou Wed 25-Jul-18 07:10:11

Oh my god! What an absolute bastard!
I just don't know what to say, other than offering you a hand-hold, a hug, some brew and some thanks

Yogagirl123 Wed 25-Jul-18 07:14:25

How devastating for you OP, and obviously a total shock flowers

Take one day at a time, don’t make any major decisions at the moment.

Make sure you eat and rest, accept offers of help etc. I know how hard it can be on couple when dx with a disability, I have MS, DH runs a business from home so he is always on hand to help as needed.

Please don’t think you have taken your “eye off the ball” OP, it’s really crap living with a disability, pain & fatigue are debilitating. I cope by practising yoga, and being mindful, mindfulness can be helpful in a situation like this, basically just living in the minute and I have some wonderful close friends.

And yes I think you are right, often in long relationships you do take each other for granted. There will be charities that can provide a listening ear. Have you also got friends in RL that will support you & your children at this awful time?

Sending you a hug OP 🤗

TheMonkeyMummy Wed 25-Jul-18 07:17:13

This is NOT your fault. If he was unhappy, as an adult, he is perfectly capable of communicating this in stages to allow you both a chance to repair this relationship. Communication is key to all relationships.

He has not done this, he has waited until he has got to the end of the line (as it were) and then thrown the towel in.

I am so sorry OP. What a nasty and horrible shock.

Monstrous Wed 25-Jul-18 07:19:58

How awful. I’m so sorry. I’m afraid to say it but a suspect another woman will come out of the woodwork... prepare yourself for that.
flowers

IsTheRainEverComingBack Wed 25-Jul-18 07:21:34

Oh sweetheart, of course you’re in pieces.

What a selfish man. Firstly for making you feel it’s all your fault, you’ve been unwell and studying, has he been doing his fair share of housework? In fact he should have been doing more if you’ve been ill. Has he been stepping up to support the family more through your illness? Why hasn’t he done anything about sorting the house renovation? It’s his house too!

Secondly for just announcing he’s going and telling the kids without you, with no chance to work on it or seek counselling. He’s thinking only of himself, not his family, and I’d be disgusted and very angry with him.

Is there any chance there’s anything woman? I know it’s not always the case but the decisive action and coldness towards you, as well as this demonisation, seems like a tactic to make himself feel better about just sodding off, he’s trying to justify his selfish behaviour.

flowersbrew

IsTheRainEverComingBack Wed 25-Jul-18 07:21:49

Another woman*

BelleEnd1 Wed 25-Jul-18 07:25:17

Agree with others that this really isn't your fault.

Please don't spend time thinking about what you've done or not done- he has chosen to leave.

This is totally shit. Lots of hand holding and kind thoughts being sent your way x

Techgirldating2018 Wed 25-Jul-18 07:33:18

This happened to me 9 months ago. I’ve had every emotion since. Still I cannot believe my best friend and the best husband in the world or so I thought could overnight turn into a cold hard robot.
But they do. And believe me, you will survive and get stronger I still have days I want to drive my car off the road but equally I have days where I think “I’ve got this”
They make it all about what they want, but you need to think about what you want. It’s hard I know and I couldn’t find anger to start with but it’s there some days now.
I honestly feel your pain and I’m so sorry. X

CrapYear Wed 25-Jul-18 07:38:53

Thanks for your replies! They are bolstering me up for the day ahead. My son's are still in bed but will be up soon.

I can't seem to be able to eat have zero appetite. MonkeyMoney You are right actually. I hadn't thought of it like that, but yes, he gave us zero opportunity to work things out.

I do not think there is another woman, however, last year during an argument he mentioned that other women still find him attractive and 'show interest' but he would never be unfaithful. At the time I didn't take it too seriously, after all men would show interest in me too when was out and about. But my mum asked me this question too. I really don't know. I think it unlikely though. This feels shit.

Joysmum Wed 25-Jul-18 08:28:06

I do not think there is another woman, however, last year during an argument he mentioned that other women still find him attractive and 'show interest' but he would never be unfaithful

On the contrary, I think this shows he wants, if he hasn’t already, to be with someone else.

Who would make a denial about something that wouldn’t occur to them to do in the first place?

hoopieghirl Wed 25-Jul-18 10:44:23

So sorry you are going through this. Your husband has shown himself to be a very nasty human being. I agree with other posters I think there is OW involved, if not then he is definitely interested in persuing one. He is projection so he doesn't need to take responsibility for his own decisions x

lifebegins50 Wed 25-Jul-18 11:07:20

You are likely to be in shock so just recognise that the horrible phyiscal feelings will subside.

After shock the anger will come.
Does he have plans to leave, such as a place lined up.

I think he is being very foolish, the impact of turning 50 has made him feel entitled.Everyone is allowed to leave a marriage but I think you do owe your spouse an opportunity to discuss, especially when children involved.

onanothertrain Wed 25-Jul-18 13:05:27

Of course it's not your fault. However your husband is not happy and will likely have been thinking this for a while and has now decided to say it out loud.
Sounds like he's emotionally detached but hopefully he will be able to discuss with you in a few days if that's what you want.

rainbowruthie Wed 25-Jul-18 13:14:27

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, I am offering another hand to hold and sending you kind thoughts flowers

Robin2323 Wed 25-Jul-18 13:32:30

Mid life crisis.
I know 3 real life examples and countless mn stories.
All depressed.
All turning 50.
And if there is an ow it's just a destruction from the pain.
The only answer is time.
A lot of emotions in play here.
In the real life 2 of the examples got through it and their marriages are better than ever.
The third one is still rumbling dis-contently along (a crash waiting to happened ) but hopefully they get there.
So time , patients and love.
Good luck x

Sausage101 Wed 25-Jul-18 13:54:19

Just been through a similar situation. It's a huge shock, that's how I felt too, completely bereft.

If you want to exchange messages during this time, or need an ear let me know.

OliviaStabler Wed 25-Jul-18 14:01:01

I do not think there is another woman, however, last year during an argument he mentioned that other women still find him attractive and 'show interest' but he would never be unfaithful.

I am sorry but I think there is an OW. Men rarely walk away unless they have somewhere to go. He is a nasty human being as he gave you no chance to work things out and was planning another life while stringing you along.

So sorry flowers

CrapYear Wed 25-Jul-18 16:02:56

Thanks again for your kind messages. They really do mean so much!

I went to the doctors this morning for a pre-booked appointment as I have had a sore throat for over a week. Had phone switched off. When I got to the bus stop afterwards, I saw he had phoned. Decided to ignore it. Felt right but was a big mistake.

Well when I got home, I saw his car in the drive way and realised he was in the house and prepared myself mentally. I got in and there he was, seemingly in his element actually fixing a shelf to the wallconfused. He said hello all cheerily, then acted completely blaise when I asked him what he was doing; simply said he had always intended to put up the shelf and was doing it now. Then he offered me a cup of tea! As if nothing had happened! I said no and just went completely numb. I actually stood there speechless and then I walked into the living room and sat on the sofa. I cannot understand it. I'm experiencing complete cognitive dissonance.

After he finished he popped his head around the door and said; 'It's all done now, I've taken some more of my stuff, I'll be round for more tomorrow'. He didn't ask me if it was alright if he came tomorrow. He told me. By this time my youngest was downstairs too so I thought I can't tell him to f off. Instead I said I'd probably be out tomorrow and then he said 'oh one of the kids will let me in then' and then he left again.

How do I get my head around this strange behaviour? I had been not so bad since this morning, but about an hour after he left I was a crying mess again. I just do not understand how he could be so cold and detached so suddenly. Surely Siberia is warmer. Up till this week, we have even been sexually intimate! Before yesterday we watched mission impossible 4 and were talking about seeing the latest one. I just cannot get my head around itsad.

I looked at our bed today. I think I'm going to have to get rid of it completely. It's large and empty and too much to handle.

Sausage101 Wed 25-Jul-18 16:14:49

Yeah this was how my partner was. All chirpy about it. It was very surreal.

Bin85 Wed 25-Jul-18 16:55:29

Thinking about you
Even if things were bad this must be such a shock and unfair on you
Can you choose a friend to confide in ?
Best of luck

pissedonatrain Wed 25-Jul-18 17:00:45

Tell him by phone or text not to come around while you aren't there. These CF think they can turn your world upside down and then waltz in and out of your home when they feel like it.

Expect an OW to appear shortly.

OctaviaOctober Wed 25-Jul-18 17:04:25

And if there is an ow it's just a destruction from the pain.

A distraction from the pain? Of what, a birthday? Women age too, and in fact get mocked for it and blamed for it in a way men never do.

I don't think you read this thread properly. There is no "patience and love" to give to someone who has made their mind up to leave. especially under such dickish circumstances.

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