Husband let me down am I expecting too much

[cellardoor]

My husband of 25 years is making me feel very alone and worthless - two years ago we both turned 50 and his family sent him hamper which was lovely of them. When it was mine few months later I got nothing and although I was a bit hurt he said I was turning s nice thing into something negative which he says I have tendency to do. He said I wasn't a blood relative and it wasn't the same despite the card mentioning the whole gang in laws included. My dad died around same time and I was emotional but I felt better when they came to his funeral and I thought I had overreacted when had been upset. Anyway a year later it was his brothers birthday and he organised similar gift which I didn't want to be part of but he said he had to (which was annoying as he never organised anything for my birthday) but that was that. Anyway this year his brother in law (not blood same as me) turned 50 and his other brother arranged present (money 50 from each family) and DH contributed despite me being really upset. I have thought for years that they are unpleasant to me in smallish ways but each time I try to persuade him he says I am paranoid. Since then we argued for ages about it and his view was it was an oversight and I should get over it. I felt rejected and realised he just didn't get how bad it felt and decided to get over it but then two other things happened - first it was his mum's birthday and there was a big plan but he didn't tell me ( saying he thought it would upset me) but made me feel like he has to 'manage' his crazy wife and again I felt very rejected from whole plan. Two weeks ago we 'celebrated' our silver wedding but we received nothing from his family. When I said he needed to start consider possibility that his family hate me he said silver anniversaries are maybe not that big a deal. I feel he is able to twist everything to make them sound reasonable whilst I am a paranoid trouble maker with too high expectations. I don't want to be divorced but I can't go on feeling so isolated - I could cope with a family not liking me as can be over sensitive and defensive but I feel like he chose to be part of their group and not mine - I feel as on an island alone and he not with me any more

[cellardoor]

Checking how it works

[usernameismyusername]

Are you saying your dh got you nothing as well for your birthday?

[GertrudeCB]

If your DH didn't get you a present for your birthday then he is truly shit.

[cellardoor]

Yes but that not unusual he not great at presents although would but me something if I wanted it

[cellardoor]

*buy

[SandyY2K]

I'd focus on your relationship with each other and leave his family out if it.

If you've put up with no presents the whole marriage, then why he suprised you got nothing from him?

It wouldn't be acceptable for me, but you've accepted him not being good at buying as a reason.

My Dsis recently had a silver anniversary and we all just said congratulations......what were you expecting from them?

[Cawfee]

This wouldn’t be acceptable for me. You feel lonely and that’s a horrible way to live. He’s completely disrespectful towards you and they are all isolating you really. It’s soul destroying. I’d not want to stay part of that family unit

[DianaT1969]

I'd stop expecting presents from everyone and just live your life. Be with your husband if you want to, but not for any presents he or your family might give you. Don't compare your birthdays and celebrations to other people. Everyone is different.
How much joy do you bring to your relationships with others?
Feeling isolated because you suspect his family might not like you much? Then it's a bit late to change that after 25 years, so throw yourself into other things; your friends, hobbies etc. In-laws aren't essential to your happiness.

[icklekid]

Yes not great at presents for you but seems to manage to organise them for other people. That would be what would hurt the most... sounds like he organised the one for bil so just a shame bil or sil didn't organise yours not necessarily his parents fault. Did they get you a card for your 50th? Wedding anniversary I wouldn't have been so upset about family.not remembering (my mil always does but my family are useless) but I would expect my husband to. I think you need to explain to him why it upsets you that he prioritises other peoples happiness before your own.

[Cherrysherbet]

This has absolutely nothing to do with the presents, and everything to do with how your Dh is treating you. It's not ok for him to make you feel isolated and rejected. He's choosing his family over you, and being very disrespectful to you. You're not being over sensitive, you're being human! I'm sure it would be easy not to care about how his family are treating you if Dh would back you, and not them every time.
YANBU.

[snowsun]

Totally agree with cherry.

It's not the presents , it's his attitude and actions towards you.

It's hurtful and cruel in my opinion. I also feel from what you've written that there may be other flaws in your relationship with him. That this is not the only issue.

[cellardoor]

Thanks all for thoughts not about in laws or gifts - it could be any group or any type of exclusion - it's just about my relationship with him -I want to feel like he's with me - that is my issue (and feel he's not) good to get perspective from others as no longer fully trust own

[mogratpineapple]

I don't do anything for his family and he doesn't do anything for mine. No hard feelings, but his family is his responsibility etc. His mum always gets me something but not the others. Coincidentally my mum gets him something but the others don't.

I suggest you just focus on you and yours as we do.

[Coyoacan]

I have people who are very dear to me who have never bought me a present but would bend over backwards to help me out of a problem. Don't hold him responsible for what the rest of his family do and don't ask him to cut them off because they don't buy you presents.

[cellardoor]

I am not getting this across - not looking for presents - am hurt that his family treat me differently from others in family and he keeps telling me that it's in my head - that I am paranoid as they are nice people which feels like he's on their side and makes me feel isolated

[Maelstrop]

So he’s gaslighting you. Clearly other people are being treated differently but I’d say that present giving needs to be pushed by him. For you to receive an equally nice gift, he needs to be the one reminding people and asking what they’re doing etc. I don’t think it sounds like his family hate you, I think they’d expect him to organise the gift.

[Honeyroar]

I understand. He and his family are not making you feel important on your birthday, yet making a fuss of everyone else in the family and expecting you to as well. Plus, your husband doesn't take it onboard when you say you're upset.

I'd be really upset too.

[Deadringer]

I would be upset too. Is it possible that your dh is telling his family that you aren't bothered about gifts, you have accepted him getting you nothing so he thinks you don't mind? I am not blaming you btw I think he would have to be thick to think it's ok to get you nothing, but I am wondering if its him and not his family that are really to blame? Either way it all sounds a bit shit.