Another man whingeing about his sexless marriage

[ArthurKing]

Good Evening,
Would appreciate a different perspective on an issue that has been going on for some time in my marriage.
Been married for 22 years, 3 kids, one with special needs and chronic health problems, oldest is 18, youngest is 14.
Basically my wife and I haven't had any intimacy since she learn't she was pregnant with our youngest. When I say intimacy I mean no sex, no proper kissing (I get that kind of duck faced peck you normally get from an ageing female relative), cuddling or hand holding. Yes I have tried to talk about it, she shuts me down and storms out of the room. I haven't had an affair, I didn't and don't take her for granted and I defy anyone to tell me I don't do my share around the house, particularly with our son, I get up at 5:30 every morning to deal with his feeding pump, change him and put him back down then up again at 7 to put his feed on, get him ready for school and give him his breakfast. I organise "date nights" and all the holidays, liaise with the hospital and the school and do all the driving and see to him when I get home from work.
I will be honest, I am not attracted to my wife any more, I have been knocked back so many times I feel like my role was provider only (kids, money etc). My wife asked what I wanted for my 50th, I said nothing, just you, she walked off and didn't speak to me for a week. If I leave it will mean leaving my family and losing everything I have worked so hard for when I have done nothing wrong. All I want to know is why? I know my wife isn't having an affair, its like she came into our marriage with a plan that had noting to do with me, only what I could provide and once she got it she switched off, we were a great team once. If there was some underlying issue, even if it was she finds me repulsive, I'm sure we could work something out. Any kind of insight would be helpful, really just want closure. Thanks Arthur

[Changedname3456]

That’s a hell of a long time to not have any intimacy in a relationship. I don’t know that I can offer any advice really because, if she won’t talk about it and/or consider counselling, then what are you supposed to do?

If your youngest has SN then a divorce is likely to leave you homeless, at least until he’s 18 and probably longer. You’ll also not be there for him as you are now.

I think it’s one of those situations where you probably don’t have any choice but to suck it up.

[annandale]

I always seem to end up on these threads. sorry to all those who have read my schtick before.

I don't think it's OK to unilaterally withdraw sex in a marriage and refuse to discuss it. It sounds as if your wife almost literally cannot cope with sexual intimacy along with everything else in her life. I would actually consider posting on the Special Needs board but would bow to others on this if it's not appropriate.

I can imagine that if intimacy of any kind has stopped, suddenly being told 'I want you' felt a bit odd. What about following her out of the room, though? Why do conversations always end there?

[awishes]

Try to be kind to her, reconnect with her. Maybe some couple counselling? Have some time together without the children somehow.
Please don’t think she has used you as part of a plan, family life has got in the way of your relationship but I’m sure you can both find a way to get it back.

[ThriceThriceThice]

Let’s get this straight. You haven’t had any intimacy (kissing, sex, cuddles etc.) for 14 years?

Why are you still there? Honestly, staying with someone who shows you no love or care for over a decade (and I totally understand you have kids and one with SN) is not normal. Most people leave or have affairs. Being a martyr is not the ‘norm’ or something to be admired.

Ask your wife if she is willing to go to counselling with you as a last ditch attempt. If the answer is no, leave and find another way to live your life. The questions you need to ask yourself have nothing to do with your wife - why do you accept so little and still keep asking for dregs?

[Singlenotsingle]

She doesn't want affection or sex, and she's entitled not to, if that's how she feels. You, on the other hand need those things and it's not fair to deprive you of them.
The answer's clear. Sit down with her and tell her that you respect her position, but this is not the way you want to live your life. You will have to separate so that you can be happy. It doesn't have to be unpleasant or confrontational, just matter of fact.

[ScattyCharly]

Although anyone is entitled to not want to have any intimacy, I think that if you are a married person not wanting that with your spouse, the rejected spouse definitely is entitled to an explanation rather than the silent treatment, which is cruel.

[SandAndSea]

It really sounds like you need to have a good talk. Could you introduce this more gently, perhaps tell her that you'd like to have a talk and ask her when would be a good time? Maybe you could go on to suggest couples counselling?

At 50, you could have 30 more years of this, which doesn't sound like much fun to me. We all deserve to be happy.

[Deadringer]

Op you don't sound like you are whinging at all, your life sounds quite joyless. It seems that your wife no longer has feelings for you, so I don't think there is any possibility of saving your marriage. I think you have to tell your wife that you can no longer live like this, perhaps she will open up and talk to you. I have been married a long time and we have been through some long dry spells, (not 14 years but long enough) and each time it has been caused by a gradual build up of resentment over various issues during our marriage that have never been properly resolved. (Not infidelity). In fact we are going through it again now and I think this might be the end of the road for us. Its bloody hard, i wish you well and hope things improve for you.

[serialcheat]

So are you saying there has been absolutely NO intimacy of any kind for 15 years !?

[SandyY2K]

Have you considered proposing an open marriage?

I'm suprised you're still there, even with the DC.

You're more like business partners than husband and wife. I don't know how you've left it this long?

[itaallstuffed]

Go to counselling.

[MissedTheBoatAgain]

To OP

I initiated a divorce on basis that I had become an ATM only (about 7 years after the wedding). Once wife had; UK passport, house in native country in her own name and daughter's education at my expense she had what she wanted.

Two children involved. One stepdaughter 21 and one son aged 7 at the time.

Even if there are children involved you should move on if all you are is as previous poster said "business partner"

[Zommum]

If you have tried everything then it's ok to say you won't live like that anymore. Is it possible to live together but sleep in separate rooms? You can leave the marriage but not the house.

[MissedTheBoatAgain]

To Zommum

Why can't the OP leave the house and move on in life. It's what I did regardless of fact there was a 7 year old involved.

[Cawfee]

This is a very tricky situation because you are so heavily involved in your sons care. I’d say you wife is probably suffering ptsd. Having a child with special needs is exhausting. Has she had any individual counselling at all since your child was born? She should have been in weekly therapy since diagnosis. I’d say not to give up yet but see if you persuade her to therapy. She may not want to do joint therapy but see if you can get her along to an individual counsellor. It could change everything. Google ptsd counsellors in your area and book her an appointment. Say to her that lack of intimacy is destroying you and you really need her to do this for you. You are allowed to ask things of her so ask her this. It’s worth a try

[InionEile]

It could be the case that she doesn't love you anymore, plain and simple. You say you have lost affection for her too. It's understandable when you have both been slogging away taking care of kids for almost two decades and especially when you have a child with additional care needs.

Do you want to spend your old age with her? That's probably the question you have to ask yourself. I'm not sure if many people, male or female, could handle a total withdrawal of affection on that scale for 14+ years.

You need to have a frank conversation with her one way or the other. It doesn't have to be acrimonious. It will be a difficult conversation but it doesn't have to turn into an argument if you approach it the right way. Tell her you feel unloved and you want to know what she wants from the marriage other than your financial / logistical support for childcare and household management. She might be surprised to hear that you feel so rejected and down about it all.

Either way, she is being cruel by not addressing the issue and discussing it with you, especially since it has been going on so long.

[MissedTheBoatAgain]

To OP

Move on. Who and how the child with special needs is to cared for will be decided by the Courts.

[m0vinf0rward]

Arthur, it's the classic 'bait & switch' routine. Unfortunately it happens that all she wants is a provider not a partner. Not sure what you can do other than leave and watch you lose your house, kids and everything you've worked for financially. Otherwise the only option is to suck it up and find other coping mechanisms, whatever they may be. Good luck.

[Zommum]

To missed the boat.
Yes OP should move on, but he said doesn't want to lose everything. It was just a suggestion so he could have his own life. Does having a special needs child change things in a divorce settlement?

[QueenOfMyWorld]

14 years is a crazy amount of time with no affection,I managed 2 years then filed for divorce.Neither of you can be happy id seriously think about splitting tbh

[fieryginger]

Mum of a teen DS with severe special needs here. I can see why your wife switched off, I've found it difficult, emotionally, dealing with my son and thus has been all consuming at times.

It has hit our sex life too, though it might be a few months at times, rather than years. Ironically, this has nothing to do with my DH, but about my mind being in a constant state of worry. We are affectionate though.

I understand, completely, your frustration about your DW not wanting to discuss it, it's not fair and she needs to address this, you need to talk.

I totally disagree that your wife had a plan to use you. I don't think either of you envisaged the life you have when you were married. I think she has a lot going on, as do you, but my DH and I, definitely look at our situation in totally different ways. You cannot assume she thinks the way you do, but that's hard to know, if she won't talk to you about it.

She really needs too. Good luck op.

[FuckMeIsThatEarlGrey]

This sounds very hard, OP. It doesn't come across as remotely whingey. As others say, there is no easy solution. I really sympathise.

One part of your post stands out to me: when I have done nothing wrong. I am not saying at all that you have down anything "wrong", but I wonder whether it reflects an attitude (understandable, but hard to interact with) to your wife where you are the aggreived (good dad and provider) and she is the villain (withholder of affection). If so, this might be difficult to communicate with. As a rule, both people are responsible for the dynamic in a relationship, surely? Could she feel that if she gets into a conversation with you about it then she will automatically be painted as the one in the wrong?

It seems you have a good partnership where parenting is concerned? Do you have positive communications about this? Are there areas you could start talking about where things are going well? If so, then could you gently start talking about the harder stuff from here? Perhaps on one of your date nights?

[BrownTurkey]

What you can do is very limited if she won’t speak about it. However, I think I would take sex off the table by saying ‘I understand our relationship has moved on from being a romantic one, but I would like to see if we can still enjoy doing things together as friends - I’d like to spend time at home and time out of the home with you, whenever we can manage it, even just a little. Or for you to tell me what you would like.’ You are at the age where couples either part or renew.

[Fluffypinkpyjamas]

Arthur it sounds an awful situation and you need to leave. You’re getting nothing out of this. If it’s not making anyone happy, it’s not right. Life is too short. LTB.

[isthismylifenow]

Arthur, 14 years is such a long time.

I think separation would be a good idea, are you in a financial position to perhaps get a flat nearby, so that you can still attend to you ds as you are doing already.

It is blatantly obvious that you are not there for a relationship, but as you say, the provider and part time carer. Of course your dw wont want you moving far, she will still need assistance.

You need to talk this out though. And your dw needs to sit and face the facts. She is probably walking out the room as she knows what you are going to say. She will have noticed it just as much as you. But, she will be thinking, 'how will i cope', 'I cant do this alone' etc.
Very difficult and I am sorry you are in this situation Arthur.