Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Something's not right here...

(272 Posts)
Onedaysoon Wed 30-May-07 10:27:52

I've had lots and lots of problems with H in the past; we split up for a while due to his controlling ways and general nastiness. He wore me down though and eventually I moved back in with the children.
He promised to make an effort, but to be honest nothing really changed, although he did tone down the abuse.
BUT...lately he's been spending an enormous amount of time and money on his mobile phone and is very secretive about it. For reasons I won't go into I have had suspicions about him for a while, so have been checking his phone (don't jump on me for that...I do have very good reasons for it), and discovered text messages from his mobile phone provider saying he was a VIP chat member. He is also topping his phone up EVERY night, by at least £10 per night, sometimes £20 per night, so is spending on average £70 per week - however we are in dire financial straits. He tops it up at 11.30 pm one night, 1.15 am another night...
I found another SIM card which he carries around with him and put it in my phone, and there were messages on there from presumably a woman, things like 'thanks, you're not bad yourself', and 'yes sorry but I'm up now and have to get ready for work'...nothing overtly flirtatious but still odd, not least because they are on a 'secret' SIM. he also has another mobile which he said he no longer uses, however he does becase he keeps that one in his car, it's always charged and he also tops that one up regularly.
We sleep separately so he can be on his phone all night; however, if I get up to go to the loo for instance I can guarantee that he will be on his phone but when I ask what he's doing he says he's playing games. I may well have believed him but for the fact that he has VIP membership to a chat room, and he's spending 10 - 20 pounds a night.
Now he's taken to keeping his phone on silent. The other morning I came down to find him asleep on the settee where he had had his phone on charge and fallen asleep in such a position that he could reach the phone whilst charging!
He's also always trying to get me and the kids out of the house; asking me to go to the shops for him, or 'do you want to go and get some fresh air for ten minutes' etc (I decline, and it was whilst I was away for the weekend a few weeks ago that he got these messages on his other phone...I said at the time that he was trying to push me into going away for that weekend!
Last night a message came through on his phone; it was on silent but the static on the pc gave it away...he said it was o2 saying his phone had been topped up, and that he had done it on his way home. However, I am with o2 also and whenever I top up the confirmation comes through immediately.
Sorry it's so long, but doesn't this all sound very suspect or am I being paranoid?
I can't confront him as the fallout of me 'snooping' on him would be catastrophic (there has been abuse in the past), and the marriage is over but I need concrete proof that he is messing about as, when I have asked him for a divorce in the past he has said that it's all my fault, or the kids' fault and has managed to make me feel that I am going mad!

Sixer Wed 30-May-07 10:33:20

sounds suspect to me too. no ideas how you will find out for sure though. <<<<taps fingers>>>>

VioletBaudelaire Wed 30-May-07 10:35:06

The one sentence that really jumped out at me from your post was:
"He promised to make an effort, but to be honest nothing really changed, although he did tone down the abuse".
For that alone, I think I would be seriously looking into options to enable myself and my children to leave the relationship.
I think the fact that he may or may not be being unfaithful just adds to the evidence that this man is not worthy of you.

PetronellaPinkPants Wed 30-May-07 10:35:32

Goodness, not quite right is an understatement!

Not sure what a chat room is but can you join it incognito and see what he is doing? That would give you proof would it not?

I think you would be well within your rights to confront him and ask what he is spending all this time and money on.

Onedaysoon Wed 30-May-07 10:36:41

See, what is making it more so is that he and I met online, in a chat room . So I know it's something he does and is not averse to if you see what I mean. Spending that amount of money can only mean chat rooms can't it? Even if he only downloads games they are £5 each, and are one off payments, so I can't see that he spends £20 per night on them can you?

Onedaysoon Wed 30-May-07 10:38:24

Hi. The problem is that even though I know his chat name (it was in the text) there are loads of chat rooms and he could be changing his chat name in each. And yes, I have already done that but it's impossible to tell.

TheDevilWearsPrimark Wed 30-May-07 10:39:44

If you really care about him and making the relationship work, and he does too, then I think you need to be brutally honest.
Maybe start with airing your suspicions, and if he doesn't admit to anything then tell him you have checked his phone and the reasons for it.

elasticbandstand Wed 30-May-07 10:39:56

why do you need concrete proof

Boco Wed 30-May-07 10:41:07

This sounds terrible! You don't need concrete proof before leaving - a history of abuse is more than enough reason for gettting out of this. What on earth is in it for you?

His behaviour is so suspicious that i don't think it would have taken any snooping to realise that.

You're not being paranoid. There are so many things wrong here - how could he have said it was the kids fault? Who blames their children?
Just being in dire financial state and him spending £70 a week on phone top ups is bad enough.

It also sounds like you're too afraid to talk to him about it without solid evidence incase he hurts you, and that is not a healthy relationship. I think you need to make sure you're safe and make plans for getting out of this.

skibump Wed 30-May-07 10:41:13

I agree with Violet, plus I think you should get out of this relationship. If there's been abuse (of whatever sort, you don't need any other reason. Go to see a solicitor, or CAB and ask for their help to make him leave in a way which is safe for you and the kids. Surely that's what's most important now?

Carmenere Wed 30-May-07 10:42:44

So what if an abusive cheating fantasist thinks it's your fault if you leave the relationship? Really, step back and read what you have written. Get legal advice asap.

lulumama Wed 30-May-07 10:43:34

there has been abuse in the past

he blames you and even more unforgivably, the children, for things going wrong

he is spending a lot of money on this

you suspect he is flirting, if not having an affair of sorts

he has a seperate sim card

he is always trying to get you and the children away from the house



something is wrong, and it sounds like he is not going to admit to anything really soon...so why not take the control and take some steps to make your life and your childrens' lives better?

Sixer Wed 30-May-07 10:45:14

onedaysoon, have you had the opportunity to check calls made/calls rec'd/not answered on his phone. Could be you'll find a long list of the same number, that you could also ring. When needs must, i tend for forget the privacy thing, especially if it is someone who is spending the family money.
Have you ever suggested/gone down the relate route?

Onedaysoon Wed 30-May-07 10:45:33

I need proof so that I can have it straight in my head that it is definately him and not me...he is an abusive, controlling man and is a master at turning things around to be everyone else's fault. I have had the opportunity to have an affair but I won't because that would give him the right to blame me for the divorce, whereas in fact it has been hell from start to finish, all from his side.

BabiesEverywhere Wed 30-May-07 10:46:03

W?hy you are spending any time trying to figure out what this man is doing ?

Surely the facts that :-

: He is abusive
: You don't trust him

It is irrelevent if you are right or not about him cheating, relationships need trust and if it is not there is nothing to save.

I am confused why you are even thinking about staying in a home with an abusive man, you and your kids deserve better.

I would spend my free time, talking to CAB and a good lawyer instead of looking into this man's secret life

Onedaysoon Wed 30-May-07 10:47:23

I have checked his call log and most times he deletes the history, again suspicious

VioletBaudelaire Wed 30-May-07 10:47:57

I think all this phone and website business is a red herring, tbh.
He is abusive.
You need to protect your children.
It is irrelevant if he blames you for the break up of the relationship, because you won't have to listen to him anymore.

skibump Wed 30-May-07 10:49:26

Onedaysoon, what do you want to do? What do you want your life to be in 3-6 months time?

Onedaysoon Wed 30-May-07 10:50:43

Ok, don't get me wrong. I have no intentions of staying with him, but I need to find a way out. I have tried in the past to move with the children, but we had nowhere to go. Council wouldn't rehouse us. I have no income. So now I am biding my time until I can get out properly. Calculating, yes but the kids have been through enough. However, whilst he is doing whatever it is he's doing, he is being especially nice so for the kids at least it's a stable environment. I hope I'm making sense?

Mindles Wed 30-May-07 10:51:34

What are you waiting for? A text from another woman or something like that? I think if you hang around long enough you will get it. As others have said though, is that really wise?

To be honest, everything you've described would be proof enough for me. Are you sure you can't prove it to yourself retrospectively? Leave and examine the evidence from afar?

PetronellaPinkPants Wed 30-May-07 10:51:50

How are you going to get out properly?
Are you starting to accumualte savings?

VioletBaudelaire Wed 30-May-07 10:51:56

Have you contacted your local Citizens Advice Bureau? If you put the name and your local area in google, you can get the contact telephone number.

BabiesEverywhere Wed 30-May-07 10:52:09

Talk to cab and council, get HIM to move not you and the kids.

You don;t need a hard reason to leave him, just the fact that you want to (even ignoring the abuse) is reason enough.

Mindles Wed 30-May-07 10:52:14

Yes perfect sense. Are the council aware there is a history of abuse? Would that make any difference?

Onedaysoon Wed 30-May-07 10:52:22

And someone asked who would blame their kids? They're not his, well 2 of them anyway.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now