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Anonymous letter

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Summertime54 Sat 21-Jul-18 22:22:05

I have received an anonymous letter through the post. It was addressed incorrectly but the letter stated that my partner is having an affair and that they didn't want me to be the last to find out about it. Where do I start with this? Believe it and investigate further? Ignore it? Confront him? Any advice would be appreciated smile

KarmaCurse Sat 21-Jul-18 22:23:13

Does it give any details or anything? Just before confronting see if there's any facts you can have first x

FuckItPassMeTheWine Sat 21-Jul-18 22:24:38

I would not repeat not confront your partner , until you know more and get your ducks in a row. what is your situation? Are you married ? Do you own a house together ?

I would do some digging on your partners phone , can you get access to it?

Sorry you’re going through this , the anxiety must be horrible flowers xx

FuckItPassMeTheWine Sat 21-Jul-18 22:26:55

I think it was highly likely to be wrote by the OW / OM but it could also be someone who has some kind of grudge against your partner , there are some right cranks about .

You need more info , phone , iPads , laptop , credit card bills have anything suspect on them?

WickedLazy Sat 21-Jul-18 22:27:00

Is it defo about your partner?

KarmaCurse Sat 21-Jul-18 22:29:36

I'm with @FuckItPassMeTheWine you need to see if there's anything to find out first but unfortunately generally there's no smoke without fire.

dudsville Sat 21-Jul-18 22:31:27

Because of the nature of our relationship, if a letter like this came to my house i woukd speak with my oh straight away. However we are financially independent and I understand mn doesn't usually recommend this now straightforward approach.

FuckItPassMeTheWine Sat 21-Jul-18 22:35:18

Usually if confronted (and they’re guilty) without further proof the partner could just flat deny it (blame it on some loose cannon at work) and then you wouldn’t really be any the wiser . For full piece of mind and to protect you financially (if you have monies that are tied together) it’s best to informed x

FuckItPassMeTheWine Sat 21-Jul-18 22:36:17

*best to be informed .

If that requires a little snooping then I think it’s worth it x

LaMainDeFatima Sat 21-Jul-18 22:37:47

Does it seem plausible ? Are there any details which ring true or false ?

Suchamug Sun 22-Jul-18 08:17:28

I had this. Except the letter was delivered to my office. It’s awful. I confronted him straight away. Wish I hadn’t as then followed months of bullshit as I went digging and finding new things. You aren’t going to get the truth so gather it yourself first. Amazing how much information is out there, which people think they have hidden.

No doubt it was the OW in my case.

KitNCaboodle Sun 22-Jul-18 08:23:24

What a gut wrenching thing to happen. flowers
I would keep quiet for now. Cross reference any information you have. Do dates and times match him disappearing/working away?

NEFink Sun 22-Jul-18 08:25:15

Keep your cards and letter close to your chest. It took me weeks & weeks to dig & unearth a shitload of stuff.

flumpybear Sun 22-Jul-18 08:25:50

I'd just ask him about it and what the hell is going on - I'm am with the no smoke team - 😐

Alfiemoon1 Sun 22-Jul-18 08:28:34

I wouldn’t confront him yet I would do some digging first

Gizlotsmum Sun 22-Jul-18 08:28:45

How incorrectly was it addressed? Do you have suspicions already? Does it provide any evidence?

Shoxfordian Sun 22-Jul-18 08:30:32

Do you have any suspicions of your own about your partner? Do they seem trustworthy? It could be true but it could also be someone trying to cause trouble. Any dodgy exes who might do this ?

Lemonyknickers Sun 22-Jul-18 08:31:20

There was a similar thread a while ago, turned out her DH was being sexually harassed at work. He went to HR, the lady I believe was fired eventually due to CCTV in a lift showing her lunging at him and him backing off, as well as other incidents. She had sent the letter to 'free him up'!

If it was me with my DH I'd tell him immediately, but with some of my previous DPs I would have dug around first. If you have any doubt I'd investigate further. Just think first before you act in anyway to get your feelings and head a bit more settled. X

LittleCandle Sun 22-Jul-18 08:37:51

In my case it was an anonymous phone call. He was abroad, so I couldn't check his phone/email etc. So I confronted him on email and he admitted it straight away. I gave him a chance to come home right away and try and sort things out. He declined, so I told him never to come back.

Sorry you are in this position. What does your gut tell you?

AlbertaSimmons Sun 22-Jul-18 08:45:36

This has happened to me a couple of times. Once by post, the others by email. First time, by post, there was sufficient detail for it to be from either the alleged OW herself or a member of her close family.
I showed it to DH, he immediately picked up the phone to her in my hearing and read the riot act. She was a client (he's a sports coach), and as clients in this situation sometimes do, she had developed an inappropriate crush. We didn't get to the bottom of exactly what was going on in her life and indeed whether she had sent it. I have thought it may have come from her husband as they split up and she came out as a lesbian.

The emails came from someone who was claiming to know that DH was having an affair - with a man. I just blocked the sender after the second one and that was that.

I recommend that you go full disclosure with your DH, watch his reaction and go from there.

timeisnotaline Sun 22-Jul-18 08:49:15

There are usually quite a bunch of posters with stories about how this happened to them and it was just a nutcase so you cannot assume they are cheating on the basis of this alone - don’t be hasty.

Summertime54 Sun 22-Jul-18 09:06:57

Thank you all for your replies, I was trying to do some investigating last night but i didn't get very far. To be honest the letter was pretty brief and straight to the point, so didn't give much away but it did refer to my partner by his name so it was definitely about him. In answer to some questions, we have been together for 10 years, im not married to him and he lives in my house, we have 2 DCs. The letter was addressed to the wrong house so it was a neighbour that passed it to me. I don't know if I trust him entirely, he is really secretive and does lie about things which I've pulled him up on a few times. For the last couple of weekends ive been away with the kids but he was meant to have been working - it's now seeming more suspicious to me. X

Queenofthedrivensnow Sun 22-Jul-18 09:16:50

If it was the wrong house makes me think it's a 3rd party observer rather than the ow. As in they can see your house but got confused when they mailed the letter as to which number it is suggesting they haven't got close to the front door

Queenofthedrivensnow Sun 22-Jul-18 09:16:50

If it was the wrong house makes me think it's a 3rd party observer rather than the ow. As in they can see your house but got confused when they mailed the letter as to which number it is suggesting they haven't got close to the front door

thricethebrindledcat Sun 22-Jul-18 09:37:00

If you confront OH before you have evidence what will happen is denial, festering resentment and arse-covering then gradual deterioration of the relationship.

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