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Relationships

Can I live with the memories?

15 replies

Lemoncup · 20/07/2018 09:45

My husband left me for another woman 3months ago, I left with our child as he has no family and nowhere to go, although he pretty much lives with OW now. Our property is currently on the market but I'm now seriously thinking about buying him out.
He inherited the property from his parents in his teens and has lived there about 20years. Of course he has a lot of attachment to the property as his parents last days were there and there's just so many memories of them.
I have lived there for about 11years, initially just as room mates but then things developed. I recently spent over 10k renovating our property getting it ready for when our child was born. He's 18months now. It has my dream kitchen, bathroom and décor.
The main thing stopping me from buying him out is the memories, its so painful just being in there when I drop DC off. We fell in love, first kiss, he proposed in that property, its also where we came home after we were married, where we brought our child home to. I feel like if I live there i'll have constant reminders of everything I've lost/was taken away from me.

Does anyone have any advice on staying in the marital home and dealing with the painful reminders?
Another reason I'm thinking about buying him out is will I get a mortgage in the future bring a single parent with just a part time job?

Side note He wants me to buy him out. His reasons being: its stability for our son, the time and money I put into the property, he wont completely lose the property and probably the biggest one it'll ease his guilt

OP posts:
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TaraCave · 20/07/2018 09:46

I'd be tempted to just make a clean break.

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superflyguy · 20/07/2018 10:25

he wont completely lose the property

But he will. because it will be yours. If he thinks it will ease his guilt it's because he thinks he's doing you a favour. Might he use this against you later...?

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FuckItPassMeTheWine · 20/07/2018 10:30

I think a clean break too , it will slow down your recovery process and also hasn’t he been there with the ow now? I wouldn’t fancy having those sort of ideas going through my head randomly either .

Sorry you’re going through this op Flowers what a shit head xx

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Toohotme · 20/07/2018 10:32

I think sell up too. Especially as it belonged to his family for a long time before you too. It’s tied up with too much of him.

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Lemoncup · 20/07/2018 10:35

The other OW hasn't been there. He doesn't want her there, he says its just not right. She also refuses to go there because she'd feel awkward. She lives with her parents and he stays every night with her so our property is pretty much empty.
I'm worried I wont be able to buy another property or get a mortgage in the future though. Confused

OP posts:
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StormTreader · 20/07/2018 10:53

Have you done the numbers? ie looked at what you'd get for your half of the property and then looked at what a house that would suit you would cost, and see if a bank might give you a mortgage for the remainder on your salary?
Seems like an amount of your worry is "I don't know if I'd get a mortgage" and that sounds like something you could get an answer too before you actually do anything.

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Cricrichan · 20/07/2018 11:24

Yes find out where you stand first. If you decide to stay then redecorate and get new furniture and itll soon feel like a different house

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Fishface77 · 20/07/2018 11:30

But it providing he sells it to you for less than market value. Then sell it on, make a profit and buy a new place.

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Fishface77 · 20/07/2018 11:30

*buy

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FuckItPassMeTheWine · 20/07/2018 11:54

That is such a good idea @Fishface77 ! Grin

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StrawberryLaces0 · 20/07/2018 15:45

Buy a new place if you can afford it..or go in and completely revamp it...everything, structurally if needed to make it look and feel different.
On a plus that could up the value and you could move on after a while.

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Trinity66 · 20/07/2018 15:49

I'd rather sell up too and have a fresh start but ultimately it will have to be your choice but I'm not sure it will ever truly feel like your house

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MarieG10 · 20/07/2018 16:01

If you can afford to sell and buy a new place then I would do it. In particular the selling costs will be shared rather than fall in you if you do that after. However, if you are going to have a problem getting a mortgage it may be that he may have to keep his name on it and that may mean a long term stake in the property. I think you need a combination of how you feel, coupled with financial and legal advice once you have an idea of what the financial settlement is likely to be

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Thebluedog · 20/07/2018 16:04

First if all make sure you can afford it. Get three estate agents in and value the property. Don’t just take your exh word for how much it’s worth. My ex tried to tell me our property was worth more than it was, and I wouldn’t have figured it out had I not got it valued. Keep your ex out of the valuations too.

A pro for staying is that it will be better for your dc. He’s already had to deal with the loss of his father, with him moving out. If he moves, this will be another large change for him to deal with.

I stayed, and bought my ex out of the house he owned when we first met. My main reason was for the children, stability, same school, same friends etc. But the house has never, and will never, feel like mine. It will always by my exh old house. I plan to move when I can.

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NellMangel · 20/07/2018 17:13

I would move. Actually, I did move. Had a fresh start. The difference is that I didn't much like the house we lived in together, it needed work, plus always felt like his house.

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