Wow im engaged to Mr Sensitive Abuser

[notthisagain83]

Following reading another thread on here ive been reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft and realised im currently engaged to Mr Sensitive...

I guess ive always had my doubts but im so in love with him its so hard to get my head around. He can be so loving, romantic, supportive and he is absolutely amazing with my DD and she adores him. However, when things are not how he wants them in the relationship he becomes angry and verbally abusive. He's had an awful past (confirmed by his mother who is lovely) abused by his father and watched his mother be abused and i guess i wanted to be the one to "save" him... but i can't!!

We are currently not talking as i had a different opinion to him on a topic we were talking about. Luckily we do not live together so i can just get on with things. I dread receiving a phone message thinking it will be him and what vile things he's going to say... How can i take the control and end it myself? The fall out is going to be horrendous.. but im worth more then this...

[redexpat]

First of all have you got any possesions at his house that you want back?

[notthisagain83]

My daughter has a room at his house and i have some of her bits there i would like back. We are due to go on holiday in a few weeks too, half of which he paid for and is the lead passenger on the booking (my fault).

He will want the ring back as well.. I have taken it off and put it in its box..

[hellsbellsmelons]

Well done on noticing the red flags.
This is not something your DD should see and as you know from here, it won't get any better.
You cannot save him.
He has to save himself.

Just rip the plaster off!!
Is there someone in RL you can talk to about this.
Someone who won't judge you no matter what the long term outcome?

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Well done OP, on spotting the red flags and doing something about it.

If you wobble, just imagine your DD growing up witnesses him verbally abusing you and think that's what a relationship looks like. You are breaking the cycle and that's flipping awesome.

[notthisagain83]

I don't want to talk to anyone about it until i have got my head around it and ALL my friend dislike him so i already know what they will say.

Although i know all the signs are there its so hard to think straight with all the buts... But hes amazing with my DD, but we have a great sex life, but he is so supportive, but he is so generous, but he so damaged from his past..

I just want the man i fell in love with when we first got together.. yes i know thats not the REAL him.. but it was real to me :-(

[wagil]

Would you have carried on with the relationship if the book hadn't clarified things for you OP?

[Shoxfordian]

Well done for recognising all the red flags before you marry him

[notthisagain83]

yes i probably would have @Wagtail... i just excuse his behaviour because of his past. I do genuinely think his past has completely destroyed him regardless of whether some of it is probably his own fault..

He has such empathy for other people and he is a volunteer helping other.. I over heard a conversation he had with his best friend some months ago and the advise he gave him about his marriage problems was amazing. His wife said to me a few weeks back that although she doesn't know what he said it had saved their marriage for sure..

How can this man be such an abuser sometimes?

[Zaphodsotherhead]

Wow, notthis, I want to be you when I grow up. You sound so sensible and rational about leaving a shit relationship (even though you love him). Would you pop round later and tell me how it's done?

Wishing you and your DD a better future.

[notthisagain83]

I worked so hard on myself after leaving my DDs dad... I had almost forgotten how strong I was. I've looked around me and what I have built with my daughter. I've got a home, a FT job I love, amazing friends and I deserve NOT to be spoken to the way he speaks to me sometimes. He also treats his mum the same way.. one minute adores her the next he's screaming and shouting at her. She's such a lovely woman she doesn't deserve it either.

I just need to be strong enough to take the awful things he's going to say when he realises I WONT take he behaviour ANYMORE.

[Cawfee]

You are strong enough because you’ve done this before. You didn’t get out of that relationship just to get into another with somebody who doesn’t talk to you with respect.

[redastherose]

You are lucky that you don't live together. Get your DD's possessions back and then hand him his ring and tell him it's over (preferably with someone else there to support you/prevent any full out horrendous abusive or dangerous behaviour) then block his number and move on. Get it over and done with quickly. People who abuse often have several false faces, please remember that the good advice and empathy are the 'nice persona' he projects so other people think he's a nice guy. The reality is the abusive man who harangues you and calls you names - hold onto that fact.

[notthisagain83]

I'm so lucky we don't live together.. he's been asking for months but I've been ignoring the subject until just recently when I've seriously been considering it. Last week when I told him why I'm worried about moving in with him he turned it to be about himself saying that he is the one that should be worried and dismissed my concerns!

My DD is going to be devastated she really does love him.. and unlike her dad she will never see him again.. :(

[PaulHollywoodsSexGut]

He also treats his mum the same way.. one minute adores her the next he's screaming and shouting at her. She's such a lovely woman she doesn't deserve it either

For me the reddest of the red flags.

OP, you are a super smart, switched on individual who will be absolutely fine. I am so sorry that your dreams have been shattered and I wish you the best in breaking away from him. X

[notthisagain83]

It's funny because when we first meet one of the things that made me fall in love with him was how he admired and spoke about his mum... she was physically and emotionally abused by his dad for years all whilst being a mum to 4 boys and having a nursing job and studying. After the day left following many many affairs she found the love of her life and moved across the world with him. Had and amazing time until later died. I love hearing about her stories with him. She lights up talking about him.

She amazing and and do anything for my STBX even though she knows how much hard work he is!

[Dljlr]

for you. I think I'm close to doing it too. I hope that everything works out for you.

[notthisagain83]

I'm not that super smart as I've been with him for nearly two years.. said sorry many times for "hurting" him even when I didn't REALLY think I'd down anything wrong.. stayed even though my friends have tried to warn me!

[Queenofthedrivensnow]

Op if your friends dislike him they will support you to leave him. Why don't you arrange to see them and ask for help z

[Libby18]

I totally resonate with this. Been with my DP 18 years and like you noticed lots of red flags but because I had my own home and life I just got on with it and made excuses for him (terrible divorce, didn't see his son, cared for his aging parents etc etc) and looked at the good side of our relationship hoping it would work and he would calm down. Then he finally sold the parental home (where he had been living) and decided he would live with me. I KNEW this would be a bad idea but was over-ridden by his insistence that it would be 'temporary' to see how we got on under one roof (my very tiny cottage) and - even more of a guilt-trip - that I should be supporting him in his time of need (leaving the family house he had lived in for 30 yrs). Well it's now getting on for a year and there's no way of getting him out though like you I am bearing the brunt of sudden rages if he doesn't like something I've said or done, use the wrong turn of voice, or get angry myself. Like your DD, my dear mother adores him and he is very good to her in practical terms though quite able to turn on his bullying behaviour (which she doesn't seem to mind - maybe being of an older generation she thinks men can get away with this sort of stuff). I am getting more and more desperate and worn down and believe me, it does not get any better. Anyway what this boils down to is DON'T be like me and let yourself be taken any further down a path that can only lead to misery!

[notthisagain83]

Thank you Libby.. I'm so sorry you have put up with it for sooo long. Is the house in your name? Can you not ask for him to leave?

[madhattermum]

Oh dear OP. He seems like a truly damaged soul. I agree not everything could bad in the 2 years and he must have certain positive attributes which weighs heavy on the scales when deciding best way forwards. Are you and DD still planning on taking the holiday? You could do with some time away to reevaluate your conclusion.
Sounds like he is self sabotaging the real love he experiences, from you and his DM almost like he is punishing you for loving him because inside he must feel worthless brought on by years of emotional and physical abuse. It's not easy carrying so many insecurities and damage about yourself being a victim of abuse. People who have this pent up anger and rage almost always offload it onto those close to them because they know they will get away with it or that they can. I knew a police officer who was a pillar of our small neighbourhood, helping all he can, shovelling snow on our road in winter, signing passport forms for all us neighbours, organising charity events for local causes etc etc until he was charged with domestic abuse spanning back 15 years with his mrs. Was awful to hear about, we just couldn't get our heads round that. We remember she had broken arm twice, bruising to her face several times and used to tell everyone she is so clumsy and has fickle bones. We later learned those were the injuries he caused her. It's so sad but does happen. At the same time your right, you don't deserve any of this. I would advise you to take some time out, try to get him to change the lead passenger to you so at least you and DD don't have to forfeit this getaway. Tell him it's only fair as you have paid your share and if your comfortable negotiate the ring in return for that. I'm almost certain he will want to make amends but it's best to leave some time before considering it and tell him the same when if he does. He needs to see someone for help with dealing with the past. This should be the wake up call he needs to realise what he is jeopardising in the long run.
I wish you all the best OP xx

[combatbarbie]

Why don't your friends like him?

[SBergeron]

My husband repeated a conversation that I had with him about his 33 year old daughter, who is my step-daughter. She was causing trouble for someone that I respect very much, and I repeated that it may be her plan to trash this person. My husband texted his daughter and told her that I was talking about her behind her back! The next morning, his daughter started texting me with disrespectful messages about talking behind her back and causing trouble. I showed my husband the messages that she was sending me and said that I deserved it for saying something behind her back, and he approved of her messages. I'm having a hard time to move on from this

[notthisagain83]

@Madhattermum your reply just made me cry.. he's so very damaged and I wish he wasn't because the man I fell in love with was amazing.

He treated me like a princess when we are good. Always opens door for me, holds my shopping bags, would clean my flat top to bottom, bring me tea in bed, calls me just to say he loves me, he's kind, caring, supportive, generous.. until I "hurt" him then I'm a bitch, slag, c*.. I don't deserve him etc etc..

I just can't excuse that behaviour anymore.

My friends don't like him because they have seen the messages he has sent me when he's in a rage.. he envolved them once too but apologised off his own back. They are still not keen but fully support me in whatever I choose and don't judge me. I am do lucky to have them.

Yes hopefully I'm still going to go on holiday as DD is so excited about it. I may try and borrow the money to buy him out of it!

Whilst I've admitted this all to myself and you I can't talk to my friends yet... I'm not ready for that!

[AcrossthePond55]

He treated me like a princess when we are good. Always opens door for me, holds my shopping bags, would clean my flat top to bottom, bring me tea in bed, calls me just to say he loves me, he's kind, caring, supportive, generous.. until I "hurt" him then I'm a bitch, slag, c*.. I don't deserve him etc etc..

I realized after I kicked my abusive ex out that all those things that make them seem 'kind, caring, spends money etc' are, in reality, 'surface gestures' that require a minimum of effort and no real sacrifice at all. The 'deep down' gestures like compromise, empathy, or sacrifice of time and/or their own wants because you love your partner, well, those aren't there. Just the anger and the vicious words that you might dare to expect them to be.

I'd get your DD's things back (or replace them if you can) and break it off with a simple "I no longer wish to marry you". Don't bother to try to talk about it or explain your feelings. He'll never 'get' it. Save your breath to cool your porridge. Plus, men like that are experts at manipulation and talking circles around people. I wouldn't subject myself to it.

Your DD may well be upset, but she'll get over it. Explain in simple terms. It'll be a valuable lesson for her on realizing that we all need to be true to ourselves.

Arrange for the return of the ring via a third party or in a public place.