My husband is acting like a child, and I don't want a child with him anymore!

[Crossfitgirl]

Ladies I need some advice... my DH and I recently decided to start trying for a family, we have been together 6 years, and are genrally happy having had the usual ups and downs of marriage. In the past he used to have quite terrible mood swings, where he would get moody / grumpy for days or weeks on end, but over the years this seems to have settled as he's got older and more able to talk about his feelings, and I thought he was past it. However, the last few weeks he has been moody every evening, snapping at things, and digging at every little thing he can whether it be I didn't clean up immediately after tea, or someone is parked in "his spot" outside. The last straw was today, we drive an hour to go to my twin nephews party, and for whatever reason he would not integrate with me, anyone else, or the kids, he actually took himself off to the car and refused to come back the entire time. I think it was because when we got there my brother jokingly said he forgot we were coming, he took it the wrong way. I felt embarrassed having to explain to my brother where he was.
I am now worried about having a child with him. If he can be like this when we have no responsibilities, no real stresses and are meant to be enjoying ourselves, what is he going to be like when we are both sleep deprived and have a tiny human to be responsible for? I don't feel like I can rely on him to be supportive at the moment, he is really making me feel quite inadequate as it is, I can never do anything right and even when I do, he finds something else to be moody about. He has spent most evenings the last week staring at his phone or the tv, showing no interest in me whatsoever. I've even suggested a date night or going for a walk (where we can tend to have good chats without screens getting in the way) but he never feels like it or just doesn't seem interested.
Has anyone else been through anything similar? I really don't know what to do. At the moment, TTC isn't going to happen as the last thing I feel like doing is having sex!!! :-( :-( :-(

[notthisagain83]

Sounds like you need to sit down and have an honest conversation about your future. Tell him how you feel.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Talk to him but remember, you are not responsible for his behaviour, he is and always will be. You may need to issue an ultimatum and mean it. Or just go.

[BunnyCarr]

Nah.
End it.
For your own sanity.

[nicenewdusters]

He sounds incredibly childish himself, far too much like hard work and a joy sucker. You've already worked out he's not the man for you to have a child with. Sounds like you know he's also not the man for you to spend the rest of your life with.

[TheGirlWithAPrince]

Its sad but i also wouldnt want a child with him :S Hes got it pretty easy right now and i cant see him handling life with a child to be honest : /

[Crossfitgirl]

Thank you for the advice. Reading back it sounds awful, he isn't like this all the time, I would say 95% of the time we are very happy - it's just been this past few weeks he seems to have taken a downer for no reason at all and seems to be me getting the brunt of it. Due to the timing of it it's really got me down. I am not looking to end my marriage, as I say, we had just started trying for a family - I am just finding it hard to deal with. I have just sat him down an hour ago and made him talk- he has finally opened up that he is struggling to cope with stress at work, a uni course he is doing, and renovations we are doing at home, and is feeling really low. I listened and reassured, but I've made it clear the impact it's having on our relationship. We chatted about kids and he is worried about it too, so maybe we need to have more conversations and see where to move forward. Sometimes I don't know if he is just being a grumpy tw** or if there is genuinely a reason for his moods!! Can men just get like this, if they find it hard to talk about feelings, or is mine an anomaly?? I mean, I get stressed at work too, I get tired, I don't always like my job... but I get on with it...

[FaultySpice]

Does he actually want children?

[Joboy]

Kids bring a whole new meaning to word stress .
Lots of parent do uni course work house work and child care...
If he can't cope now I ďont really think he will be able to cope when you have child .
I listen to what he is telling you that you are his punch bag and it only to get worst .

[AgentJohnson]

I think you need to spell it out to him, his way of dealing with stress doesn’t work for you. Having a child is stressful and if he doesn’t learn to handle it better, than you can’t bring a child into a relationship where you won’t be supported and treated poorly. Stop TTC until he starts taking responsibility for his shit because youare done being his emotional whipping boy.


wouldn’t be fair on either of you if this

[workinprogressmum]

Is he anxious about having a child?

[Crossfitgirl]

Yes, he has always wanted kids and we were in the process of looking for a bigger house. He has said he is anxious about having a child, he has recognised that he's not coping very well and actually said he doesn't think it's a good idea at the moment. @agentjohnson thank you, I think you are right and I need to take action and spell it out to him. Get your shit together, I'm not having a kid if you're like this. I did say to him that I worried if he can be like this now, how can he support me as a mum? I am going to stop ttc and stop the house move until he rethinks himself. I am not afraid to leave him, and will do so if I need to, however I am also not willing to chuck away our marriage straight away. I am also his wife and need to support him whatever he is going through, I do wonder if he is struggling with depression and not willing to admit it. I know lots of people are telling me to just leave him - any other advice on how I could try to resolve this would be appreciated. I have always thought he would make a great dad, but the past month I have doubted it.

[faloma]

Is he depressed or stressed, he sounds like he's not coping with life. I'd urge him to see GP. I certainly would put ttc on the back burner.

[ShatnersWig]

We're not all women on MN you know....

People deal with stress in different ways. I've known women, just as much as men, who become irritable and grumpy. And it can indeed be a sign of depression.

However, for me, what stands out is the fact that he used to have quite terrible mood swings, where he would get moody / grumpy for days or weeks on end. While I appreciate you say he worked on that and it hasn't been so bad, this sounds like he is reverting to his natural type.

I'd definitely hold off on major plans and do a lot more talking and thinking.

[TheProvincialLady]

Don’t do this to a child. Never mind how you’d feel if he behaved like this when you have a child...more importantly, think what it would be like to have a father who behaved like this. It’s awful and you can never leave.

[TatianaLarina]

he used to have quite terrible mood swings, where he would get moody / grumpy for days or weeks on end

I can never do anything right and even when I do, he finds something else to be moody about.

the last few weeks he has been moody every evening, snapping at things, and digging at every little thing he can whether it be I didn't clean up immediately after tea

Agree with Shatner, he’s never really changed. He will always be like this.

Work + uni + renovations - he’s got a lot on but it’s normal life stress. Most people can cope with this without acting up the way he is.

If he can’t cope with that without being a moody, selfish knob - how would he ever cope with kids? It’s clear his default is to blame you.

Clearing up after supper - are you his slave? What is his attitude to housework generally? Does he see it as your job?

I don’t think you should try to work round this, because he might control his behaviour for a while, only for it to blow up in the future.

Just read the signs and find someone better to be the father of your kids. If you stay with him you’ll end up divorcing anyway.

[SmallBee]

To me it sounds like he is struggling with undiagnosed anxiety/depression. I'd encourage him to see a GP and get CBT if possible.
My DH has both and even on meds and with CBT there were times when he just couldn't cope and it was really hard looking after 2 young kids by myself. He never took it out on us though, I can't imagine coping if he had.
I think you are right to put your plans on hold until he has sorted himself out but be aware that if it is depression/anxiety it's very possible to suffer relapses especially in times of high stress.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Maybe depression and/or maybe 'always looking for someone to blame' syndrome.

An important question to ask is why his feeling stressed or low results in him thinking it's ok to behave badly towards you.

Feeling low, less energetic and enthusiastic, wanting to withdraw and have some quiet time alone is one thing. It can be identified and he could say 'I feel like this at the moment, sorry but I need some time alone'.

Being moody with you, deliberately making your life difficult and unpleasant, in some way 'punishing' you for his feeling the way he does, wanting to make you feel bad too, is not ok at all and reveals an immature, vindictive and destructive personality.

He could do with some counselling to talk this through, work out how he feels, why and what can be addressed to make things better. Also, to understand that taking out his frustrations on you - using you as his emotional punchbag - will result in his losing you (and any other woman who temporarily feels sorry for him). Dragging everyone else down to his level, to provide some sort of twisted solace in mutual suffering, is a very destructive and very selfish thing to do. It will not play out well with children.

In the end he is an adult, responsible for himself, his goals and his feelings. He needs to find ways to deal with his feelings that do not rely on causing suffering to others.

[paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking]

He went and sat in the car because he was offended by a joke ?

Children bring the most unimaginable stress and the adults need to step up. I have a husband who can ridiculously over react and be a grump sometimes and it makes things far harder than they need to be. However, I can't imagine him walking out of a situation in a sulk....that is genuinely childish behaviour, and you're right to be thinking very hard about his capacity for raising actual children!

[TellsEveryoneRealFacts]

However, the last few weeks he has been moody every evening, snapping at things, and digging at every little thing he can whether it be I didn't clean up immediately after tea

Why isn't he clearing up immediately after tea if he wants it tidy immediately?

In the past he used to have quite terrible mood swings, where he would get moody / grumpy for days or weeks on end,

And you didn't bin him then?

I am also his wife and need to support him whatever he is going through, I do wonder if he is struggling with depression and not willing to admit it. I know lots of people are telling me to just leave him - any other advice on how I could try to resolve this would be appreciated.

Well, is he like this at work or with his friends? If just you and your family, you need to prepare yourself for the realisation that you have married a twat. Who is potentially emotionally punishing you by treating you badly. And who is also isolating you from family and other support with his bad behaviour.

Buying a house - is this likely to take you further away from your family and other support?

You have been together 6 years. It should still be rather fun at this stage. It doesn't sound like it is fun to me.

[Crossfitgirl]

Wow, no I'm not his slave, we share household duties and if he cooks tea I clear the plates, if I cook he clears the plates, etc...He takes care of certain jobs and I do others... this post wasn't about that. Advising me to not try to work around it and to leave him as I'll end up divorcing him anyway isn't really helpful, given that I've already said I'm not looking to end my marriage. If this continues then maybe that's what I'll need to do and as I said, I'm not afraid to leave, but that's not why I asked for help. For those commenting he is reverting back to his usual ways, in the past his moods have generally been down to his own insecurities, not feeling good enough, worrying I'll leave him etc, and there was a pattern of him bottling it up, becoming moody and distant as a result. He has never been good at sharing his feelings, however once he started opening up about it and talking to me, he has always responded well to an adult conversation and actually our relationship has got gradually better over the years. I do feel like every now and again I'd need to sit him down and have a long hard conversation where essentially I'd say look you're being a dick, sort yourself out, I don't need this shit so if you're going to continue, I'll be on my way - and he has always acted on whatever the problem was, and often just needed affirmation that I love him. The past 2 years at least, we have not needed to have any of these conversations and have been having a happy relationship. It just seems to have been this past month, yes he has reverted back, and i am trying to figure out whats caused it. I do wonder if the thought of having kids has put pressure on, whether he is just having a wobble about feeling like he won't be a good dad, bringing back his insecurities, maybe just needs affirmation that he could be a great dad, and is again just bottling up his feelings and maybe a good talking to will bring him round.
I do feel like, I can't be having to do this when we have a child, and I need to get through to him that he either needs to keep talking to me about how he feels, as to avoid him getting like this in the first place, or if hes going to bottle up, he needs to at least recognise how he is acting towards me and know that if he's like that, I'll leave him. We have agreed in the first instance to get a desk / office chair and make a home office so there is somewhere he can do his work. I've suggested we start yoga together to help de stress, he seems happy to do that. I have also thought about making a compulsory "date night" each week or couple of weeks where we get chance to talk to each other properly, whether it's a walk or a meal out. And this is something that, maybe if we do end up having kids, it's something we need to agree to continue.
I'm not about to baby him, but I do believe in supporting each other. There are certainly times when I have felt low, and I've just needed a little kick up the bum and a little slack to get myself right again.
For those of you that do have children - how do you cope when things aren't going well/ you feel low etc? Do you need that support from each other?

[Crossfitgirl]

@tellseveryonerealfacts good point, it does seem to be just me he's like this with. He's fine with his friends. I don't know what he's like at work. Id like to think hes a twat at work since he seems to think a lot of it is down to work and his managers, but I cant imagine hes like this with them! I think I will point this out to him. We already have a mortgage we are just looking for somewhere bigger in the same area, but I'm putting a stop to that until this whole situation is resolved.

[Crossfitgirl]

@paddlingwhenishouldbeworking thanks, it's nice to know other people have been in a similar situation, if not as bad!
And I know, the whole sulking in the car situation blew my mind, it was ridiculous, and for the first time I thought to myself, fuck... how can I have a child with this... child??!! this is not acceptable, and hence my post on here.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Three things jump out to me:

1. You seem to be trying to fix him. By all means tell him when his behaviour isn't acceptable and that you're available if he'd like your help in sorting it out. he's the one who needs to work out the why and how though. You trying to do that for him isn't supportive it's infantilising.
   
   
2. You don't have time for that shit when you have a baby or two to look after. You can be supportive and kind to each other of course but your mental energy will be lacking and what you have will be channelled elsewhere. The contrast between actual baby and man-baby will make you much more resentful of the latter behaviour. You both need to be able to get on with things, without making likfe harder for each other.
   
   
3. It sounds like you take all the initiaitive, all the time. That gets wearing after a while. What does he do, himself, to try to make your relationship work?

[Ariclock]

Hi op, having children is like lighting a stick of dynamite in a relationship. You need to have a partner by your side who can support you and consider your feelings above his own at times. From what you've written your husband seems critical of you, grumpy and takes offense easily. Now imagine adding sleep deprivation, much less attention to his needs and mess in the house to the mix. If I was you I would be taking a good hard look at the relationship before having any children.

[Mix56]

There's a difference between feeling low/sressed, & taking yourself off to sit in the car all afternoon. That is an embarrassing big statement, both to you & your family. it isn't childish it is emotional abuse, whereby the goal is to punish you, & hopefully oblige you to leave early.