Is this normal

[Shinynew50p]

I've been with my husband since I was a teenager he has been my only long term relationship. I'd really appreciate some opinions on the following as I'm not sure what's normal or right anymore. I am seriously considering finally leaving him.

We have one child, a nice jointly owned mortgaged house, nice cars, regular holidays (often miserable due to his moods).

Insisting that I have sex with him in public places when he knows I am not up for this. Nagging till I give in.

Same with photos. Insisting I take "sexy photos" i.e. Photos of my boobs on nights out with him or friends (obvs I don't do this in front of friends) have to sneak off to toilets which is bloody annoying given the amount of times I actually go out.

Making me talk dirty during sex. Taking photos of me after sex (with cum on my face) nagging till I say yes.

Loosing his temper and calling me a slag/cunt. Telling me I'm a disappointment. Resenting me for working part time (which was a joint descion) he tells me not to talk about plans for my days off in the week because it's not fair he's at work (I am looking after our child on these days and doing house stuff)

He once locked me out of the house naked after a row at a party where he practically wanted me to shag him in the street and I refused so I got a taxi home alone which really riled him. He has left me alone at parties and weddings more times than I can remember because he's in a mood. These are always my friends parties. Not his.

Moaning every time I go on a rare night out and wanting specifics when I will be home.

Insisting on coming to family events with me then refusing to engage and then wanting to leave early.

He has been physical lots of times, mostly low level, shoving, pushing, odd kick in bed, squeezing me hard. I do retaliate at times. I'm ashamed I've done this.

There are other things but on the face of it he appears perfect as he works hard, provides well financially,
Loves our dc.

He has told me he will never leave our house, and threatens to slit his wrists if I leave him. I have tired before but always felt sorry for him and let him back in.

I recently started to drink more in the house. He is using this as a reason for his behaviour so I've pretty much stopped now.

Is any of this part and parcel of a run of the mill relationship? Should I put up and shut up and be grateful he is a loving dad and good provider?

[legolimb]

No. It is not normal or acceptable.

Is there anyone in RL who you can talk to?

[Thingsdogetbetter]

Normal for an abuse relationship. Not normal for a normal relationship. Please contact some professional help. Woman's Aid, the freedom programme.0

[Shinynew50p]

Yes I have spoken to a couple of friends and a relative. I've got full support from them and somewhere to go if I want.

The problem is, a lot of the time, we appear like a happy family and he isn't always like this. Today for instance he's been at work, so have I, I came home, did a bit of tidying, made dinner and we are watching the tv now. We haven't had sex for a couple of weeks, as I've had a terrible thrush, but he's clearly getting edgy about it.

[Stinkachoo]

No no no no!!!

You are being abused. Badly. Physically, emotionally and sexually.

Please see that and get help

[Rapunzel26]

None of it is normal . The sex stuff is just about control and humiliation. You need to escape him.

[Stinkachoo]

Sorry, cross posted and also re-read the bit where you are considering leaving.

Are you worried what he will do if you won't have sex soon?

[Shinynew50p]

It's the sex stuff that is the worst, he says it is exciting. Well not for me it's not.

Last time I wanted to split up, and the photos were degrading, he said he wanted the photos because he can't believe how beautiful I am ( I would not consider myself beautiful) and it was sexy and he would stop asking but he was back to his tricks after a wk or two.

[Shinynew50p]

No not worried. He will just nag till I give in take a load of photos and then tell me he loves me and roll over.

[ThePeasantsAreAtTheGates]

This is almost as far from normal as it's possible to get. He sounds repulsive. There seem to be a lot of men since the advent of the internet who expect women to perform like porn stars. He has no respect for you at all, what he is doing is abuse. I feel so sorry for you that you have normalised this behaviour. Please get some help.

[DonkeyPlease]

This is so upsetting to read. He's vile. You poor thing.

Not normal. Not ok, criminal, abusive, bullying, utterly horrific. I don't blame you for wanting to drink, I don't know how you've coped with this so far x I really hope you leave him

[PsychoPumpkin]

Please leave this man, he’s treating you appallingly.

Of course he seems normal and friendly and charming to everyone else, these men often do. But you know him, you fear him.

Honestly, run.

[AynRandTheObjectivist]

You surely must know this isn't normal or remotely acceptable.

If anyone gives you crap for ending this revolting excuse of a relationship, tell them what you've told us. Spare no detail. Tell them you were coerced into sex you didn't want in public places, and to submit to degrading acts to which you did not consent (such as being photographed with semen on your face). Tell them he locked you out of a house naked when you refused to have sex in the street. Tell them he kicks and shoves you. And tell them they're welcome to all of that if they still think he's such a catch.

Also, he's not a loving dad. The best thing a father can do for his kids is to treat their mother well.

[Shinynew50p]

Yes he often compares me to people off the tv

I think the thing that is hard it is that we do have normal times as a family, planning a future (which I've totally disengaged from) as the thought of taking on a bigger mortgage etc appalls me. He is generous to family, and to me (I am not materialistic but he often throws money at me) and can be kind to neighbours etc. And he is a loving hands on dad. So often wonder if really is me that's the poring pride who drinks too much!

There are other things too, I'm sure he makes up things I do around the house like shouting at me for leaving windows and doors unlocked when I'm pretty certain I had locked them. Makes me ththink no I'm am loosing my marbles at times.

[Shinynew50p]

Should say boring prude.

[Stinkachoo]

It's still sexual coersion OP and it is very, very wrong. Some of the things you describe about being pressured to have sex in public places and him locking you out naked make really difficult reading.

He even treats you like a sex object when you're on a night out. When you're not even with him.

And that's aside from the verbal abuse and the complete number he has done on you psychologically. He makes you feel guilty for being at home with your DC while he's working.

This is entitlement to the extreme. He thinks you are an object for him and him only to do with you as he pleases.

What is he doing with these photographs?

If he behaves so badly infront of your family and friends they must be desperate for you to leave him.

You need to find anger about what he is doing to you so that when you leave him, he can't guilt you into staying.

Threatening to harm himself if you leave him is a classic abuser's tactic. He knows this will keep you where he wants you.

[AynRandTheObjectivist]

Loving dads do not assault and abuse the mother of their children!!!!

Oh OP. Why do so many women, when they are being treated like the shit on someone's shoe, still feel the need to ask permission to leave? Why do they need to check with internet strangers that they're not being unreasonable for not wanting to live a life of abusive, damaging and coerced sex acts? If you need someone's permission to leave, OP, I know I speak for all of us on here when I say YOU CAN. IT'S OK. THE PROBLEM IS NOT YOU, IT'S YOUR ABUSIVE SHITBAG OF A HUSBAND.

I'm sorry if that sounded in any way condescending or as if I'm blaming you for something. None of this is your fault, including the fact that you're second guessing yourself after being abused so badly. It just saddens me so much. Get out, get out, get out.

[Stinkachoo]

Also please be careful. If you are disengaging, he will sense that and is likely to ramp up the abuse. And he has form for violence.

What you described in your last post is gaslighting and is probably a sign he is already stepping it up. He wants you to feel like you are losing your mind.

[AynRandTheObjectivist]

Oh, and as for the wrist slitting threat, well fuck him for that too. He won't do it and if he did it's still not your fault.

[MissConductUS]

He has psychological issues, particularly around sex. Threatening to harm himself if you leave is classic emotional abuse. Do get out. Your marriage sounds like hell.

[Shinynew50p]

Apparently he uses the photos to masturbate with. Why he needs hundreds of photos of the same pair of boobs I don't know.

My siblings detest him.

My mum says he is a good provider but doesn't like the way he speaks to me in front of her at times. She says it's embarrassing to hear him belittle me.

They obviously don't no about all the sex stuff.

He's been to the doctors last time I threaten to leave and they said he has anxiety and stress but he didn't want to take pills for it.

[AynRandTheObjectivist]

Tell your mum about the sex stuff.

He's been to the doctors last time I threaten to leave and they said he has anxiety and stress but he didn't want to take pills for it.

Poor baby. My heart bleeds. Now fuck him and the hellhound he slimed in on. Get out and don't give this rapey fucker a backwards glance.

[WowLookAtYou]

This thread has made me feel ill and very angry on your behalf.

[Shinynew50p]

Sorry if I have upset anyone with my friend.

My life is great in lots of ways, good friends and family, job I love, my beautiful dc.

[Emmageddon]

Gosh he sounds appalling. This isn't a normal loving relationship at all. Leave him. Walk away.

[Ohyesiam]

I o ly read the first half of your post because it was so distressing.
You are in a very snusive relationShip, please find a way to get yourself out.
Loving someone is about letting them blossom and appreciating them for who they are. Humiliation and coercion are not part of love.
Sending you strength to get out.