Hi there, I'm posting because I had a meltdown at work today in front of my boss and I'm absolutely mortified (had no idea I was going to cry and when the tears started, I couldn't stop myself). It's made me realize that perhaps I'm not coping very well.
I think my partner has depression. A GP hasn't confirmed it but he has many of the symptoms of low level depression and anxiety. I think he's always had it but I've missed the signs. Perhaps because my mum has always had depression so I normalized it. I didn't find out about my mum until well into my adult years when I found a prescription for anti-depressants (and then discovered that my mum has always refused meds or any other treatment). Things with my partner only really got worse with the arrival of our first child 7 years ago. It's been a subtle decline but a definite decline and change in his moods and behaviour.
I'm just so drained and beyond exhausted by it. His negativity, his being irritated by everything, being unable to see the positive or good in anything, his lack of drive and motivation, his anger and also loss of libido (no sex for 4 years now). I get depressed just thinking about the life I have ahead of me if things don't change.
Some days he will say he thinks he has depression. Yet he won't seek help for it. It's taken a year for me to convince him to see a GP who have referred him to counselling to see if he has depression. But he's not taken any action to make an appointment to see someone. He keeps making excuses. I get that if you have depression, this is often the case. Other days, he will say it's not depression. That he's a nice guy with a short fuse and lack of patience. But it's more than that I feel but he can't see it. We are in an endless cycle of fights caused by his moods and negativity, followed by him apologising and promising to do something about. He's tried meditation but it didn't work because he only did it a few times but didn't really commit to it. I've encouraged him to exercise but he finds it hard to make the effort. I encourage him to see friends and socialize and he has a good time but comes home depressed the next day thinking of all the social life he no longer has (his friends are in their mid 40s but none have kids by choice) rather than appreciating what a great night he's had and the blessings of his current life. I get that this is probably the depression but its SO draining and exhausting hearing him complain so much and being negative about everything. When, from an my perspective and an outsider's perspective, he has an amazing life. I'm also exhausted because I spend so much time apologizing when I feel I've done nothing wrong. He has general low self-esteem (but won't admit it) and anything I say is taken as criticism. I feel like I'm stuck in this endless cycle and it's so depressing. I would describe myself as a positive person so sometimes I wonder how I ended up with such a negative person. I've been keeping things running since the kids were born but now I'm just exhausted. I'm mortified about what happened at work today in front of my boss. He has no idea why I burst into uncontrollable tears and think it's something to do with me not being able to cope with my workload although I have said it's something going on in my personal life.
The kids are getting old and I worry that they are being affected or that they will pick up some of their father's negativity or inability to emotionally regulate. I also feel guilty when they are at the end of his irritability. My partner doesn't have anyone to talk to. He does have friends but whilst I think some of them would really surprise him in how supportive they would be, he's not really a talker (so it is hard for him to open up), he's not very self-aware or introspective, and I think he's embarrassed to say anything to his friends. I totally get that. What it means though is that they see a really funny, laid back guy (which he is when he isn't depressed) whereas I see the negative, angry person.
I don't know what to do . I can't talk about this with anyone because his family aren't supportive in this way (and I don't speak the same language as them anyway) and my parents would not be supportive (as they didn't approve of me being with him in the first place and their attitude is that I made my bed, I should lie in it). I can't tell his friends as that would not be right and I don't want my friends to judge him. On the outside, people always think we have such a great relationship or set up and they really have very little idea what's going on behind closed doors.
I have been coping so far by doing everything. I feel like a single parent. I have a stressful and demanding career, I run the house, manage the school runs, deal with life's admin etc. I let him sleep, I encourage him to socialise and go out. I do what I can so that he has nothing to be depressed about . But he is. He tells me he loves me but that I am also the cause of his depression because I am having a go at him constantly (which I often am these days), so then I start to wonder whether we should separate if i really am the cause. I have suggested this and would be OK to cope on my own but then I feel guilty about leaving him. I am the breadwinner and he financially relies on me (also part of the issue as he feels emasculated even though I have told him countless times that I don't care what he earns, that all i need is a supportive and loving partner and father).
We do often talk about separating but he seems reluctant to leave. Because he loves the kids so much (and me) and doesn't really want to leave. At the same time, I don't think he gets how difficult and draining it is to live with him. Until now, I have never let my personal life stray into my professional life but today it has. And I've not been able to stop crying at work today. Which has never happened before.
I just don't know what to do. He's promised to seek therapy and counseling. Part of the issue here is that he's self-employed. So to attend a session, he'd have to turn down clients and work. And partly the reason why his 'depression' seems to have got worse recently is that work (which has been doing so well) has started to quieten down recently, so he doesn't want to turn down clients to attend therapy.
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Relationships
Living with depressed partner
Oscarlucinda · 25/06/2018 14:04
Okay. Firstly, there is a difference between "having a mental illness" and "being an arse". You can be both at the same time. While you are not responsible for things that are a result of your illness, you are totally responsible for being an arse. Your husband sounds as if he is depressed, but he also sounds like he's being an arse. Secondly, having a mental illness means taking responsibility for yourself and your treatment. This can be very difficult - one of the first things you can lose is 'insight', ie the ability to recognise how ill you are - but you have to try. Unless you are experiencing psychosis, this responsibility is yours alone. Others can support, but you have to take control.
I have bipolar disorder, started getting ill in my teens. Full on, rapid cycling, psychosis at both ends of the scale, disassociation level bipolar. Not the nice, Stephen Fry kind. Despite always taking my meds, and having had loads of therapy over the years, my condition is so severe that I can sometimes get 'breakthroughs', still getting ill despite doing all the right things. I'll straight up tell you that I am a fucking nightmare to live with when depressed. My family say it's much harder to cope with than the psychosis, because it's so much more difficult to pick apart. The slide down is slower, so it happens gradually, and the symptoms themselves are difficult to read. As this has been happening for decades, everyone is much more confident about identifying symptom clusters and then standing up to me. They have to stand up to me, because I have lost insight, and either think I'm fine, or that it's just a blip, or that it's them being horrible and controlling to me (the paranoia is strong in this one 
).
You're much earlier on the road here - you have no treatment/crisis plan, no access to higher-tier services, no advance directives. So all you can do is stand up to him. This is for his benefit, apart from anyone else's. Depression is terrifyingly awful. He feels scared, out of control, and dead inside. All the pointing out how much he has to be 'happy' about just sounds hollow and meaningless. It sounds like you are the one who is a bit mad, and on occasions can sound actively offensive.
Insist on another appointment with the GP. Insist on going with him. Then have a calm discussion with him. Make it clear that you are not attacking him, but his illness is dominating your lives, and is causing problems that, once he's better, he may regret for the rest of his life. Ask direct questions, focusing on the last 3-6 months, don't drag up the distant past. "In the past few months, what has your sleep pattern been like?", that kind of thing. Ask about sleep, his experience of joy (ie does he still want to do the things he used to like, and do they still make him happy), his ability to interact socially with others, his appetite and drinking, is he struggling to do basic tasks, eg use the stove to cook, how is his personal hygiene, dressing etc. Is his concentration shot? Is he absorbing verbal or written info as well as he used to? How is his driving, his ability to anticipate what others are doing, or to recognise hazards in time? The loss of sex drive is a biggie. Go through his life with a fine tooth comb. Also, ask the big one, calmly and without judgement: "Have you had any thoughts of harming yourself?" If the answer is yes, what does that look like? Does he have a plan? Is he getting intrusive thoughts? How often is this happening? Can he identify any triggers? Write things down beforehand, so you don't forget things. Make a clear list of his symptoms (I can help you put some of it into 'mental-health-speak', if you need me to). Be firm with the GP. Not to scare you, but your husband has a lot of risk factors for suicide here - his gender, age, perceived loss of status, relationship difficulties, etc. The GP should take this very seriously, and if it looks like s/he isn't, make a massive bloody fuss.
In the meantime, you need to look after yourself. From what you've written, there is a possibility that you are sliding into depression yourself. The bursting into tears at work thing isn't a great sign. Although it may seem like it, as I've been concentrating on the mh stuff here, you are not an afterthought. Please have a google, and look at some of the things that help with low level/incipient depression, and start to do positive things for yourself.
You could also google Hyperbole and a Half, Depression Part 2 (about him), and possibly Depression Part 1 (maybe about you?). They're an easy read, and a very, very good description of depression, what it feels like, and how other people can (and can't) help.
Sorry this is so long, but i hope you find it helpful! I'm a bit of an "expert by experience" and can go on sometimes!
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