Ending best friendship

[ShatnersWig]

I know it's going to be the right thing to do but wish it didn't hurt so much.

Been best friends for 10 years, done so much together, we were like siblings. Was always there for her but couple of things in the last two years have left me reassessing it and while I had eased off a bit as a result, when we have met up I found myself trying to make things like they were but knowing they just weren't and think I need to just bite the bullet and end it. Difficult, as we're in a very specific hobby and socialise a lot with a small group which I've also been easing away from and clearly that's going to go by the wayside too.

Last year my grandfather was taken into hospital and I went there with him and rang my best friend from there to let her know what was going on. This being one year after a horrendous four-week period where my beloved nan refused treatment, food and water and starved herself to death (my best friend only offered to come with me to the funeral after she'd heard about 5 other friends offering and she'd not been brilliant over the whole thing).

It became fairly clear soon on that he wouldn't be coming out as he was going downhill, albeit fairly cheerful and with it at the time. Saw best friend two days later, told her his heart was failing, had something else wrong with him, he was dying. I didn't hear from her until five days later when I got a text to say "see you when we get back, hope your grandad is feeling better x" She was going away for a week with two mutual friends. I was gobsmacked at those words when she knew he was dying.

Spent a lot of time at the hospital over the next week as he deteriorated. Best friend got back on the Saturday. Didn't expect to hear from her immediately but didn't hear from her on Sunday. Or Monday. Or Tuesday. I had a text from her on the Wednesday when she'd heard from someone else that grandad had died on Monday morning. And basically she kept total distance. I had to carry on with our mutual hobby the week after, which was difficult, so I did keep myself to myself but if someone came and spoke to me, I did speak back. She never came near.

A few weeks later I did talk to her about her not coming near me and she just said "I thought you wanted to be left alone, I got it wrong, sorry". Thing is, no one wants to be left alone. They may not want to speak, but they need to know you're there. And she did precisely the same when I had a serious health scare some years before.

I've tried to keep things going but I just can't get past that text and not getting in touch when she got back from holiday (the rest I can, for some reason). So I need to end the friendship. I would never ghost, I need to sit down and tell her, just not quite sure how to phrase it. Any suggestions?

Sorry, that was long!!

[Shoxfordian]

I think you should email her with something like your post to say how hurt you've been that she wasn't there for you. Maybe say you feel she has damaged your friendship and then you can drift away from there

Sorry though, it's shit when people let you down like this

[SissySpacekAteMyHamster]

I don't honestly think you should end the friendship.

Some people are really crap around death.

You seem to have a good friendship otherwise. Can you not just talk to her about your feelings?

[Elelfrance]

If her inability to support you in these 2 awful circumstances are the only reason to end the friendship, and there's no other problems, I don't think I'd be inclined to end a friendship - she has apologized, and as PP said, some people are just useless around death, and don't know what to do or say at all

[ShatnersWig]

@Elefrance I could accept that if it was a one off. But she was useless when my nan died and I talked about it afterwards and she did the "I thought you wanted to be left alone" thing again. So she knows I don't want to be left alone. Just as when she has a tough time she rings me up and needs me to talk to her for an hour or two until she feels better even though she'll barely speak a word except to tell me the problem. It's the same excuse. And she's not useless around death - when an old schoolfriend (who she sees maybe three times a year) lost her father she helped organise the funeral, went to the funeral (even though schoolfriend married with husband and other family; I'm single, no kids, grandparents were like my parents to me).

@SissySpacekAteMyHamster I hope you sued her! These Hollywood types think they can do what the hell they like.

[Lottapianos]

Shatners, I feel for you. My friendship with a very good friend ended recently and even if you know it's for the best, it really hurts. It sounds like you know in your gut that this friendship is no longer working for you. You can't stay friends with someone just out of nostalgia, you need to feel supported and heard, at least most of the time. There have been several examples recently when you really needed her to show up for you and she hasn't, so I understand why you're feeling the way you do

How would it feel to email her? My friend emailed me because she said she wanted to make sure she got it all out, and was able to be clear without getting overwhelmed. It also gave me time to re-read and digest what she was saying. Be very clear about how she let you down and how that made you feel. If possible, end on a positive note and say that you wish her well or similar. Decide whether there is anything she can do to repair the friendship, or whether you are totally done with it all - either option is fine of course - but make it clear either way.

Good luck with it. It's a shitty thing to experience

[MoMandaS]

To me it sounds as though she might be worried you think you're closer than you really are and she didn't want to be the one you relied heavily on; or, you are as close as you thought but for whatever reason, she might have felt being your main support through those events would bring you inappropriately close, cross some sort of line.

[RideSallyRide76]

I can't see why you need to end this friendship really. Maybe just lower your expectations for it. I'm sorry you've been through such a hard time. Some people are good in a crisis, others aren't. She isn't, you know this now so have fun with her as an when you're both around but find other people to support you in difficult times.
I do wonder though, the way you talk about her is as if she's your partner rather than a friend. Could it be that you've inadvertently become a little bit too demanding of her and this is her way of lightening the load a little? No trying to hurt you by saying this but it's always worth considering your part in things.
for your hard time anyway, I hope things pick up a bit.

[ShatnersWig]

@RideSallyRide76 Our group of mutual friends call us "the twins" because we're so very similar! But interestingly, the more I think back, I've hardly ever really needed her or felt she should be there for me over the decade and when it has it's been major things. But whenever even relatively small things go wrong in her life, I have always been the person she's called upon to help. She was ill once and didn't want her mum to come and look after her, but me. Spent a whole weekend looking after her. If anyone was too demanding, it would definitely be her. Ah well. Such is life. Reason, season, and all that.

[arranfan]

Losing friends is done casually when young and often deeply regretted with age and as life happens.

Your friend has previously shown you who she is through her actions (your grandmother's death). Perhaps it's not in her interests to become a more empathic person or someone who takes on reciprocal responsibilities for others (it was so kind of you to care for her when she needed you and she's amply demonstrated that she feels no need to return this in kind). Sometimes there's a reason for people to be like this (and they can't discuss it) and sometimes, it's a matter of character.

Maybe this is a time when she becomes a friend, rather than best friend. Maybe the relationship will die away altogether or perhaps it will deepen.

[RideSallyRide76]

Oh that's sad then, some friendships do become one sided unfortunately. Poor you! I hope you develop more even relationships over time. I'd still say though, downgrade rather than end the friendship... that's a very final thing to do and actually if you have fun together then where's the harm in that?

[ThePeasantsAreAtTheGates]

I understand your hurt; you expected more from her which is completely understandable. I wouldn't end it formally however, just take a step back. Lower your expectations. It sounds as though you will have to be around each other with your shared interest, so best to keep things amicable.

[Joysmum]

My do are like chalk and cheese. He treats me the way he’d like to be treated in that situation.

Ive often felt unsupported. But when each of his parents died he didn’t want to be with anyone. I realised it wasn’t him being unsupported across the years before, just what he’d have liked me to be like had the roles been reversed.

I now understand he needs to be asked to be different. If I explain my needs he’s there!

You don’t say you’ve even told your friend your needs, do you expect her to just know? If you’ve told her and she’s not done as you’d explained you needed, and I mean explain and not just hinted, then step away.

[ScreamingValenta]

It sounds as though the friendship has become one-sided. You mention that she phones you up to talk about her problems for a couple of hours, without letting you speak - that doesn't suggest a balanced relationship.

I agree with RideSallyRide76's suggestion of lowering your expectations of the friendship, rather than cutting her off altogether. I say this because you have a hobby in common and mutual friends, which suggests you could still enjoy her company, but perhaps on a much lighter level. This might, in any case, herald the friendship tailing off naturally over time.

The problem with having a formal conversation about ending a friendship is that it can create unpleasant drama and gossip - not necessarily from your friend, but amongst your wider social group. I think lowering the intensity of the friendship is the way to go.

[Airblon]

Sorry about your grandad

I agree with your reasons for detaching - but I don’t think you’d emotionally benefit from the deep face to face conversation.

I suspect she’d be flippant and dismissive and deny/minimise and you’d just end up feeling even worse and angry.

I have ex friends who were users. The thing is, I can be angry at them and myself for letting things go on so long (and part of me is)

but also for now and for the future I need to learn how to put better boundaries in place - which is more my focus than righting past wrongs or “saying my piece”

As a single person, negotiating these boundaries can be hard but you need to have those social skills. It’s also hard if you didn’t grow up in a family where that kind of thing was easily done!

But life can be fantastic with no toxic draining people in it. You may feel lonely for “losing” her but you’ll be so much freer.

I’d personally recommend a dull grey rock kind of detaching

email her some waffly psychobabble shite about needing to concentrate on yourself. Say nothing about her behaviour or you’ll probably just get something dismissive back.

Say your therapist/guru told you to do so if it helps.

Then change your number and don’t reply to any of her messages. This kind of person won’t be interested in checking on you unless it’s for their benefit (even a “friendly overture” will be the warm up to a request for something) so just don’t bother

[Cawfee]

You don’t need to have a showdown, just stop engaging with her. She obviously doesn’t feel the same way about your friendship as you do. I doubt very much she calls you her best friend. Just stop messaging or calling her. If she messages you, be short and non committal. That way you can be polite/pleasant when doing your hobby but effectively you’ve broken it off with no drama. Trust me, doing a big emo drama speech will not do you any good and she will likely show it around your mutual friends and you’ll be forever tatted as “nuts” and you’ll lose them and your hobby. Keep all of this to yourself or go rant to a counsellor but for gods sakes don’t send a Dear John letter. Just forget her and go make yourself new friends who are genuine

[Coyoacan]

Well none of my friends are perfect and I'm not either but I value them all for different things and I know that everyone has different limitations.

Mind when I first discover a friend's major fault, that is when I decide if I want to live with it or not.

[springydaff]

Oh gawd, tell me about 'friends' who vanish when the going gets tough!

One very old friend(ship) did this and I had it out with her. She let me down at such a crucial time (cancer) and I was not best pleased, shall we say. It wasn't a polished performance..

Our friendship survived I'm glad to report. There was no falling on necks or even an apology, really - a true disaster befell her and I was there, the past eclipsed.

She recently texted to say a mutual friend has been diagnosed with the same cancer as mine and she asked my advice, saying she doesn't want to make the same mistake with her as she had with me.

Our friendship is deeper now. I had to risk it, our friendship, and it paid off. Long friendships are worth holding onto if possible.

Good luck 🌸