Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Help me to overcome this resentment(51 Posts)
I’m a sahm to 2 dc. Ds1 is 6 with additional needs. Ds2 is 2 and a nightmare sleeper. Between them I probably get 2 hours solid sleep a night and then I’m up at least once an hour the rest of the night.
Dh works long hours and I do not expect or ask him to help Sunday-Thursday nights as I know he needs to sleep. But at the weekends he just won’t help me at all. As soon as the first wake up happens he just gets up and goes and sleeps in the guest room downstairs. I have asked, I have begged, I have cried and said I’m close to walking out and leaving my family because I just need to fucking sleep. When I do that he will get up the first time he hears movement, get into the dc’s bed with dc's and immediately fall asleep again. Dc will be wandering around and I know he’ll have just gone back to sleep. Then he’ll spend the next day acting like a fucking hero because he apparently did the night shift l.
He claims it’s because he’s a deep sleeper and just doesn’t realise dc are up. Which I’d understand if he didn’t always go into the spare room and the first sign of stirring. He asked me this morning if I was ok as I looked exhausted. I said I was and that I was up for 4 hours straight with dc2 last night. He looked really surprised and said ‘Oh, I didn’t realise he was still doing that.’ He does it every night, I think it’s more that it just doesn’t occur to dh that it’s a problem because it doesn’t directly affect him.
I’m sure this is just a phase and one day both my dc will sleep at night. But right now I don’t think I can forgive dh for just not giving a fuck about it. Everyone just tells me that it’s hard when dc are young and that I’ll look back and laugh. It’s probably sleep deprivation but there are times that I hate him.
Make up an excuse and go and sleep at someone elses house on thursday-sunday. He'll get the picture soon enough, or maybe just stop waking up for the kids. They have to quit doing this. Why are they waking up? Can camomile tea help before bed?
Why would you need to overcome it ?
If he wasn't such a selfish fuck the resentment would not exist.
Wake him up every single time you get up. If he goes back to sleep when he needs to be awake, wake him up again. Tell him in advance that you'll be doing this because it's clear he doesn't understand how this is affecting you, and he needs to. He's being incredibly selfish. Lie-ins aren't the same as proper nighttime sleep, but do you at least get a couple of those on a weekend while he deals with the DC?
I realise why you're resentful. But the problem here is your 2yo.
What have you tried so far to address the sleeping issue?
Dc1 doesn’t sleep because he’s autistic. Dc2... well, no idea. We’ve seen the gp who gave us the usual no screens, plenty of fresh air, wind down before bed advice but none of that has helped. We’ve spoken to HV who has referred us to a paediatrician but has also just said that some kids just don’t sleep until they’re older.
Unfortunately I can’t just stay elsewhere as dc1 can’t cope without me at the moment. The last time I even went out for an evening I came home at about 10 to find dc2 walking around the garden in just his pj’s (it was January) and dh fast asleep in the sofa .
Oh god there’s always one who misses the point and blames it on the OP. The point is they should be looking at the sleep problem together because it’s their child.
These threads are depressingly common. WTF is wrong with these manchildren who think they can have babies and then just leave all the shit stuff to their wives?
I had the same problem. I was on my knees tired and my husband would not help. I seriously considered crashing my car so I would have to stay in hospital so I could sleep. Not my finest hour.
I suffered sleep paralysis really badly and finally started hallucinating. My joints aches I suffered mastitis, ear infections and illness after illness.
I was a wreck.
Until I asked my husband to specifically do things they didn’t get done. For some reason he became useless for the 6 months I struggled.
Ask for help. In any form. Be it a cleaner or a childminder or both. Or just leave everything. I made the mistake of using any free time to catch up on housework. I should have been sleeping. My heart goes out to you. Sleep deprivation is like slow torture.
Stop feeling resentful.
Take control back of the situation.
Tell him what you need him to do, whatever that might be.
Personally, what worked for me when DCs were little and there was no interrupted sleep to be had, I'd decamp to the spare bedroom with eye mask and ear plugs. DH was 'het' for at least one night every weekend.
It saved my sanity at the time.
Resentment is a killer of relationships.
If he is a tool and he himself does not come up with solutions for your exhaustion, you need to spell it out in words of one syllable, and not waste your energy on quietly seething.
Can you go and stay over with your parents or friend for a night and leave him to it? He would have to deal with the kids then.
* Oh god there’s always one who misses the point and blames it on the OP. The point is they should be looking at the sleep problem* together* because it’s* their* child.*
Ideally, yes. But the DH clearly isn't much use or motivated, so for her own sanity OP needs to address the problem. Even if she left her DH, she'd be dealing with the DC herself for most of the time, alone.
Deal with the sleep, then deal with the useless DH.
OP, I hope I'm not coming over as a totally unempathetic PITA.
Op I absolutely feel your pain, I have an autistic 11 year old and my 8 yr old dd went through a phase of not sleeping.
First of all, will both children sleep if they are in the same bed as you? I know I will get lambasted for this but it honestly saved my sanity! When I was going through the worst, DH slept in the spare bedroom and I slept with both dc. It allowed me to sleep which was bloody important after so long with sleep deprivation!
Secondly, does your ds1 struggle to fall asleep or does he manage to fall asleep only to wake later? If he is struggling to fall asleep ask for either his psychiatrist to prescribe melatonin or ask for a speedy referral to a paediatrician and ask for melatonin that way. Your g.p might prescribe it but it will only work if the difficulty is actually falling asleep. If your dc can fall asleep then it won’t keep them asleep unfortunately!
Do you use visual schedules? Have you tried hot bath followed by relaxing/ pressure massage? Do you use weighted blankets at all for dc1?
Another idea, to help your survival and maybe improve sleep: could you and the DC share a room? Mattresses on the floor? How did DH react after the 10pm January garden incident? Was he remorseful?
He did what when you went out for one night?
You haven't got a problem with bad sleepers. You've got a shit of a husband.
If you go out, if you go to a hotel, he will fucking have to take care of the children won't he? Or would he make them suffer to punish you again?
My 3 year old woke up every 2-3 hours his entire life. Bedsharing is the only way I've been able to get any sleep. People frown on it but I don't care - everyone is getting more sleep and he won't be little forever. Could you bedshare if your DH is ending up in the spare room anyway?
Tbh I don’t think it would be safe to leave an autistic child and a toddler with a Father who sleeps so deeply he doesn’t notice that his toddler has got out of bed, come looking for his Mummy, likely tried to wake his Daddy, then somehow got outside whilst wearing very little!
You must be incredibly angry and frustrated with your h OP. My dh would take over in the morning, he knew how little I was sleeping! If I was really exhausted he would put both children at 4 and 2 in our double mountain buggy and walk the streets near us to help get them to sleep! I honestly feel for you not having you h support you! Other nights dh would put them in the car and take them for a drive until they fell asleep, in fact he covered them in duvets and slept in the car one night, starting driving whenever they woke up! My God I loved him even more that night! Your dh needs to start helping now!
I had a similar situation and my son only starting sleeping once I split from his dad! It was almost immediate, once we split up.
My son is on the spectrum and I'm sure that contributed to the sleeplessness, but don't underestimate the effect of constant stress and simmering anger on sensitive little ones.
You’re dh didn’t address falling asleep after his child was walking out alone in the garden in January? He didn’t get a shock and up his game?
That’s fucking shocking
I feel I’m letting them down so much. It’s some of the happiest years of their life and I’m constantly so exhausted I can barely function, don’t want to drive places as I’m convinced I’ll fall asleep at the wheel, snappy with them and irritable with dh. I genuinely feel like I’m losing my life to sleeplessness atm.
I was absolutely furious with dh about dc being out in the garden. He seemed to find it quite funny and ‘proof’ that he sleeps to deeply to look after them at night. I jus see it as another I can’t trust him to do so it means if I do go out I need to be back before their bedtime.
Learned helplessness right there
Be totally shit at something so you are never expected to step up again. It's a trick as old as the hills.
The only person letting all your family down here is your lazy fuck of a husband. He is a disgrace.
He found it funny!!! Christ on a rope.
I think he’s beyond help.
Depends if you want to go it alone. I can’t see how much worse it would be, if you went out and got a babysitter they wouldn’t allow that to happen. I would suggest you use his maintenance to employ someone to give you a break once in a while
Aside from the dick moves from your husband, have you tried melatonin gummies on the kids? Buy from Biovea online.
My ds didn't sleep. It is absolutely tortuous. He has ASD and now takes melatonin and it has really helped. Please ask your child's consultant to prescribe as it may save your sanity.
Your husband is a selfish prick.
anyfucker I’ve not heard the term learned helplessness before. It is exactly that!
I’ve just ordered those melatonin gummies. A lot of the mums of autistic children that I know have recommended melatonin. I’m trying to get gp to prescribe it to dc1 but it’s a long process! I’m very excited to see if these gummies work.
I gave up waiting for our gp and we use the gummies and of he’s reaallly wired, the 10mg tablet although he’s only ever needed half.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.