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My boyfriend won’t let me grieve :(

(71 Posts)
CJG2212 Sat 23-Jun-18 21:59:06

Help sad my dad passed away 9 months ago and I’m still obviously very upset! I have an 18 month old son so I hardly ever get time to myself to grieve properly. But whenever I do.. my bf of 6 months just doesn’t seem to have any time for me. Most of the time I’ll cry alone and a few times I’ll text him to say I’ve had a bad day. He gets so cold and I’m questioning our relationship. I need someone who will support me through this but he doesn’t seem to understand at all. We don’t live together and we don’t see each other much because I’m a single mum and still live with my mum. Tonight was an all time low for him.. he accused me of looking for sympathy after I told him I’d been crying most of the day and that me talking about my dads death and the problems we’ve had in the family, my mum being upset etc is making him tired of hearing about it all and it’s nearly been a year now! (As in maybe I should cry less) I hardly cry as I’ve said and whenever I text him saying I’m upset I really am because most of the time I cry alone and tell nobody! I can’t believe how cold he is being, and I can’t beleive he would ever accuse me of looking for sympathy! I love him very much and he says he loves me and I know we haven’t been together long but we are planning to move in together etc and we are usually very happy together it’s just I need more support from him.. he tells me to get professional help but I say it’s only natural to cry and the only support I need is from him!

C0untDucku1a Sat 23-Jun-18 22:01:13

Go to your gp and ask for a referral for counselling.
Bin the biyfriend. It should not be this hard this soon. Or at all. Certainly not after 6 months.

Yutes Sat 23-Jun-18 22:01:27

You don’t need his support. And you’d get more support if you dumped his ass.

formerbabe Sat 23-Jun-18 22:03:24

It doesn't sound like he brings anything positive to your life. Ditch him, concentrate on your son, grieve for your dad flowers and spend time with family and friends who care about you.

Daydreamer2407 Sat 23-Jun-18 22:04:54

Sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine the grief and pain. Maybe he is feeling overwhelmed by it all and doesn't know how to support you? Some people find it difficult to talk about loss etc as they worry about saying the wrong thing. Also it's not a massively long term relationship at the moment. Have you tried professional help as it may help you better than relying on him for support?

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff Sat 23-Jun-18 22:05:57

What would your dad have thought of someone who treated you like this?

DuchyDuke Sat 23-Jun-18 22:07:46

He’s right - crying for most of the day after 9 months isn’t healthy. You definitely do need professional help.

ChangeIsHard Sat 23-Jun-18 22:08:02

Same as others, ditch the boyfriend, focus on your child and your mum and working through your grief. Hugs

LilQueenie Sat 23-Jun-18 22:15:51

dump him he doesn't have the emotional maturity to deal with a relationship let alone someone who needs time to grieve and a handhold through it. Sorry for your loss btw. Grieving takes time and it varies for everyone how long that takes. No one has the right to judge that. flowers

biscuitmillionaire Sat 23-Jun-18 22:16:27

He’s right - crying for most of the day after 9 months isn’t healthy. You definitely do need professional help.

If OP isn't doing this every day, then it is healthy. It's called grieving. You're allowed to have low days when you've recently been bereaved, especially of a parent.

However, it might help you to speak to a counsellor, OP. As for the bf, if he's very young he's probably a bit clueless about how to give this kind of emotional support.

HeddaGarbled Sat 23-Jun-18 22:21:46

I think you need to take some time out from boyfriends for a bit.

In the last 18 months you have had a baby and lost your dad. In addition, you are supporting your mum through her bereavement. You need to concentrate on yourself, your baby and your mum. You don’t have the emotional energy to spare for a boyfriend right now.

TokenGinger Sat 23-Jun-18 22:22:57

I understand you have been through the most horrific time losing your father, I have no idea how I would cope if I lost my dad. I’m sorry, OP.

However, I really struggle to be around constantly negativity and neediness. I think I’d be similar to your boyfriend in this situation if it’s as regular as it sounds like it is here. Every few weeks or so, I’d be able to cope with a down day, but not every other day. I struggle with friends who only ever have down days to feed back to me on, it brings me down.

That may make me a bad person, I’m not sure. I’m just being honest.

CJG2212 Sat 23-Jun-18 22:28:58

Thank you so much for all your messages! I don’t cry often but when I do I cry a lot lol it’s like I save all my tears up and let them out! Otherwise I’m fine my life is pretty good I have a good job and I’m coping well. The boyfriend says to get professional help I disagree and he says he can’t give me advice because he would deal with it differently.. I’m not after advice I would just like him to cuddle me or say something even remotely supportive. I feel worse for crying after telling him about it hence I cry alone most of the time and don’t tell anyone. I’m made to feel like a 15 year old spoilt brat who’s crying for attention and I’m honestly the complete opposite I don’t like anyone seeing me crying! And I hate burdening anyone with anything! I’m 29 and my boyfriend is 33 he has an 8 year old son. He’s very mature and is great in many ways but I need to grieve and if I can’t do it with him I’ll have to do it without him :,(

CJG2212 Sat 23-Jun-18 22:31:25

Thank you for your honesty.. I don’t have time to have many down days with my job and my son and looking after my mum who also lost her dad last year sad I’m usually a very upbeat person happy and hey I have to be for my son I can’t have him picking up on any negativity! It does sound like he’s getting tired of me but I can honestly say I’m not all doom and gloom because I look at the strength of my mum and that keeps me going if she can continue so can I! Xx

Italiangreyhound Sat 23-Jun-18 22:46:15

@CJG2212 I'm sorry you lost your dad and that you are dealing with things with your mum and her grief.

I think some professional help might be useful.

www.cruse.org.uk/

Whether to stick with your boyfriend or not is up to you, but if he doesn't support you or make you happy I would consider if this is the person to move in with.

I'd also try and see the issues separately. I lost my dad 13 years ago. I was sad to lose him but he was in his seventies and died peacefully. The loss of a much younger person/parent can be very hard, as can a very diffiuclt or painful death.

You can grieve for all these things with professional help. You can also work out what your role is with your mum and this may be hard, we supported my mum a lot after dad died and in many ways put some aspects of our own family life on hold. But eventually we had to prioritize our own family and my mum was OK.

Professional help does not magically change things, it helps you work through things.

Good luck, I hope it feels easier soon.

Arum51 Sat 23-Jun-18 22:51:43

I agree with the general tone of advice here - get rid, and concentrate on yourself. You've suffered a massive, traumatic life event, you have a little boy to care for, and a mum to support. That's so much for one person to be coping with! You're right, you need supportive people in your life, and that just doesn't seem to be him, I'm afraid. Maybe it's because the relationship is quite new, so this doesn't seem to him to be what he signed up for? He thought he was getting a fun, independent single mum, but what he got is someone deep in grief, and struggling.

You're kind of trying to force him to be something he's not. You know what you need a boyfriend to be like, so you're trying to make him act that way, then getting distraught when he fails to live up to the ideal in your head. You're only going to get more hurt and frustrated, so step back and accept he just can't give you what you want.

Incidentally, I'd agree with him about getting some outside support. Grief is normal, but support never goes amiss. Try ringing Cruise, they're very good (I speak from experience).

CJG2212 Sat 23-Jun-18 22:55:18

Thank you so much your comments mean a lot smile

lottiegarbanzo Sat 23-Jun-18 22:56:19

I think you sound very normal. When you're flat out looking after a lo and probably still lacking sleep, getting time to yourself to think, feel and reflect is a rare luxury. You do need to use that to work through your feeling and just allow yourself to feel.

Maybe now is not the right time to be embarking on a new relationship. You're not fully emotionally available and don't sound ready.

His attitude doesn't sound great either. But, making yourself available when you're not really able to focus on the other person doesn't sound like it was a great decision.

Gruffalina72 Sat 23-Jun-18 22:56:22

I'm so sorry about your dad.

What you have described of your boyfriend is not normal. It is not acceptable.

I was put through this too. It stopped me from being able to grieve properly and I'm now years and years later only just starting to process it.

I also got told it was "unfair" of me to try to talk to him about it and that I wasn't allowed to anymore. After 6 months he "lost his temper" and informed me I should be over it already.

These are huge red flags. Please learn from my mistakes - this is a sign of things to come.

I understand you love him, but he is demonstrating through his behaviour that he does not love you back.

Lots of people feel uncomfortable supporting others through bereavement and grief, but this is not that. This is deliberately cruel and hurtful. He is not even attempting to support you because he places no value on your needs. Or you.

You deserve so much better than this unpleasant man. I know it must feel frightening to consider breaking up with him when you've just lost someone so close to you, but honestly this man is only making your grief harder to bear and it will take you longer to process if he continues treating you like this.

You are right, how you're feeling and responding is natural. The rawness of your pain will gradually subside, but it will continue to rise to the surface unexpectedly throughout your life. Because there is a part of your dad you will be carrying around with you.

You still have all the experiences you shared with him, and the way he shaped the person you are today. In that sense, he will always be with you, as part of your present not just the past.

As to the "get professional help" comment, generally you would not be accepted for grief counselling until at least 12 months after the bereavement. This is because grieving is a long process, it doesn't finish as soon as the funeral has happened as some people seem to expect (or in this case, demand). Although of course if you feel it would help you could still talk to your GP, or talk to the samaritans, etc.

And Token that is your issue, and I'm startled you think it appropriate to describe the pain of grief as "neediness". Humans are social creatures, we all need connection, especially when in pain or suffering. I really hope when it's your turn to experience this you do not find anybody around you telling you to hide your pain from them because it's too uncomfortable. Grief is the greatest discomfort there is.

Grief is an all consuming pain, not something that only strikes at occasional intervals so as not to inconvenience other people with your sadness. That might be how it's portrayed in the media, but it is not the reality. It's also not "negativity" to speak about the difficulties in our lives, it's reality. It's not healthy to try and suppress all of our "negative" experiences and emotions. Sooner or later they will explode out of us if we do that.

Life is not a Disney film. It is dysfunctional to coerce other people into suppressing their pain because you don't have the skills to cope with seeing how harsh the world can be for some of us.

The people who love you will be there for you when you lose someone, because they know that no matter how hard it is for them, it's unimaginably worse for you.

Whattheactualfuckmate Sat 23-Jun-18 22:57:06

You’ve only been with him SIX months. Get rid now he is showing you his real character. He doesn’t give a shit about you.

You’ve had a shit time love and it will take a long time to heal. I hope you and your mum get through this cake

Fuck that idiot off

Whattheactualfuckmate Sat 23-Jun-18 22:57:34

That should be flowers not ficking cake ffs!

MMmomDD Sat 23-Jun-18 22:57:43

OP - I am sorry about your dad.

However - you need to find another way of dealing with your grief. It’s unfair to put it all on a bf - you’ve only been together for 6 months.
You say you aren’t lookogk for sympathy - but essentially - you at having expectations on what he needs to do for you. And get upset at him for not delivering.
He isn’t your therapist.

Ask your GP for help.

dirtybadger Sat 23-Jun-18 22:59:43

Is he supportive when you are crying in person? Your OP makes it sound like you normally cry or are upset home alone, and text your boyfriend about it. And he isnt very supportive. But a later post sounds as if youre usually in person as you say you want him to hug you.

I ask because via text its very hard to support someone. Theres nothing you can say to make things better. It can be frustrating and awkward for the other person who cant do anything with the information. In person its different- just laying with someone and hugging them, etc, can support them.

Im still inclined to say ditch him, though. 6 months in, its not worth risking having an unsupportive partner. It doesnt sound like he has much tact. Focus on your DC and yourself and mum.

SandyY2K Sat 23-Jun-18 23:01:29

Maybe he's not equipped to deal with this. Some people aren't good handling grieving partners.

He's not the type to comfort you...so you have to decide if you want to continue in the relationship as it is.

It's not that he won't let you grieve. He just doesn't want you texting him that you've been crying. Men like to be fixers ... he probably feels unable to 'solve' it ... so his alternative is telling you to get over it.

Bereavement counselling is not a bad idea. You can also consider online bereavement support groups ...what you need to realise..is you won't get cuddles and comfort from your BF.

With this knowledge...you have to decide how things go with him.

Raven88 Sat 23-Jun-18 23:02:29

I would leave him and find someone who cares. If I was to text my Husband to say I was having a bad day he would offer support and comfort.

Losing a parent is tough and grief takes time. You shouldn't be shamed for that. You deserve better.

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