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Had a big argument with partner's mum

(25 Posts)
Pantana90 Sat 23-Jun-18 11:02:36

Last week me and my pregnant girlfriend invited her mother to come with us to the hospital for one of our scans. Everyone was happy on the car journey home then we started discussing names. Her mum kept saying names we didn't like, prompting my girlfriend to say "it'll be our choice, we decide".

I said two names that had been in my mind and gf's mum replied "well my f**kin grandchild won't be called those names". I didn't like this so replied, in the same tone that we had been rejected her name suggestions, "well you don't get a say, we decide".

She flipped out and started calling me every name under the sun, it was utterly vile. F word, B word, C word, and she actually punched me in the arm. About 10 seconds I realised what I said and that it did sound a bit disrespectful and I immediately apologised, saying I didn't mean for it to come out like that and was very sorry - but that didn't work and she just kept going. I had to use all my willpower not to scream back, but I did say to her "who the F do you think you're talking to?" She kept saying "I don't know what you see in him" to my gf and she threatened to kill me. I said "Out of respect to you I won't say what I really want to, please control yourself".

This only caused my gf stress and I want an apology. I've been told I will never get an apology and we'll just avoid seeing each other. We seldom see each other anyway, and didn't have much of a relationship anyway, so it's not a big deal. However, I now have doubts over whether I want my child around someone like this. If she continue to abuse me in the future (something which is probable), I will not allow her to see her grandchild. My dad told me taking this stance is very extreme , but I'm the father and I should be respected. If I'm subject to abuse, i won't stand it. Should I do this or just let any future awkwardness go over my head? This will be our first child, my mother has passed away, so I don't want to have my child around someone so venemous. Any thoughts?

SoddingUnicorns Sat 23-Jun-18 11:05:23

Was your GF subjected to her mother’s horrid temper as a child? How does she feel about it all?

sunshinesupermum Sat 23-Jun-18 11:05:52

This is your and our GF's child. You name the baby. You won't get an apology (been there, got the teeshirt).

As for going NC with your GF's mother - I agree with your father, this is rather extreme atm imo. Wait and see how she behaves after the baby is born.

TheHandmaidsTail Sat 23-Jun-18 11:07:55

I think you should concentrate on what your DP wants and what will cause her least stress.

FarFlungFairy Sat 23-Jun-18 11:08:38

I’d have the bitch for assault, and no I wouldn’t let someone so violent and abusive around my child either.

emmyrose2000 Sat 23-Jun-18 11:15:57

I'd have stopped the car and kicked her out. There's also no way in hell she'd ever be seeing my child.

MrBeanTeddy Sat 23-Jun-18 11:16:44

Not a chance in hell I'd stand for this sort of shit.

Firstly I'd be on the phone to the police & secondly I'd be telling my DP I don't want someone like that around my child.

If this was the other way around, what would your DP do??

Jammycustard Sat 23-Jun-18 11:29:40

I don’t think it’s extreme to not see someone who reacts in such a way.

LuluJakey1 Sat 23-Jun-18 11:35:32

I can not understand how people get away with behaving like this. It is telling you everything about her values and attitudes to other people, her inability to control herself and her lack of basic respect. You should not have sworn back at her.
I would have nothing more to do with her ever other than being distantly polite if I ever bumped into her.

LuluJakey1 Sat 23-Jun-18 11:36:23

And I would not have her in my child's life.

SoddingUnicorns Sat 23-Jun-18 11:37:19

I wasn’t meaning that she should get away with her awful behaviour, my first concern was stopping any further stress to your gf and child.

Branleuse Sat 23-Jun-18 11:41:37

i think youve posted this twice, otherwise my reply has disappeared. You might want to report and ask MN to merge the threads

Emmageddon Sat 23-Jun-18 11:41:58

Wow. Hardly a candidate for grandma of the year! What a complete overreaction. I'd be inclined to tell her that if she wants contact with your child, she'd better mend her ways.

forumdonkey Sat 23-Jun-18 11:46:41

What did your gf do /say? How does your gf feel now?

Singlenotsingle Sat 23-Jun-18 11:50:34

What does your gf say, and what sort of relationship does she have with her mother?

AdaArdor Sat 23-Jun-18 12:03:55

I don't think it's necessarily extreme! That abuse was horrific and so random/not justified (not that it's ever justified)!

How on earth did your gf react at the time? And what has been discussed between the two of you since?

MMmomDD Sat 23-Jun-18 12:10:23

OP - there must be more to the story.
How is your relationship otherwise - this isn’t the first time you’ve seen each other, surely... So I do wonder whether there are some unresolved issues between you and your gf’s mother and this argument triggered it. Especially her comment on what the daughter sees in you - seems to have a history.
Is she, for example, unhappy that your daughter is having a child with someone who hasn’t decided he is ready to marry her? I, for one, would be.

She behaved strangely, and if this is her normal pattern - obv i’d not hang around her much.
However - the way you talk about ‘needing respect as a father’ and needing an appology or else - just seems like a battle of wills over the GF and now the child. And a bit childish.
There needs to be is normal human decency in communication between people - but there ISNT something like a special respect to someone because they are a parent....

In the end of a day - she’ll always be your GF’s mother and a grandmother to the child. So - both parties will need to make an effort to get along.

Footballmumofthefuture Sat 23-Jun-18 12:30:12

That's disgusting behaviour and I would seriously be considering the child having a relationship with her In future.
I can't imagine how your GF must be feeling. This is one of the most stressful periods of her life. Her mother should be ashamed.
My mother would never ever act that way!

Northernparent68 Sat 23-Jun-18 13:01:22

Seriously MMom, you think it’s the op’s fault ? What an appalling thing to post.the op was assaulted, that is entirely the fault of the aggressor.

StopCloudSeeding Sat 23-Jun-18 18:13:37

Shocking behaviour. What was your partners reaction? Seems like she has shown her true colours.

She certainly would not be seeing my child!

MMmomDD Sat 23-Jun-18 21:06:04


I didn’t say it was Op’s fault. I said - it sounds like there is more to the story and some battle of wills is happening.
Is unlikely that previous relationship was all nice and friendly and this happened all of a sudden.

percheron67 Sat 23-Jun-18 21:24:59

If she uses that sort of language, I wouldn't want her around my child anyway, Gross.

Shumpalumpa Sat 23-Jun-18 21:35:01

I agree with your father, this is rather extreme atm imo. Wait and see how she behaves after the baby is born.

It's not extreme to go NC with someone who tells you to fuck off, calls you a cunt, punches you in the arm and threatens to kill you.

AnneLovesGilbert Sat 23-Jun-18 21:41:13

Poor you and poor gf sad What a horrible experience. She sounds profoundly unpleasant and I wouldn’t want her anywhere near either of you or your baby.

And it’s bollocks that by virtue of sharing dna with your gf she’s entitled to anything least of all you putting up with her shit and abuse. We’re NC with my husband’s disputable parents and if we ever have a child they won’t be within miles of it. If they can’t be decent to us they’re not getting their hands on an innocent infant.

Motoko Sun 24-Jun-18 07:47:16

What are the living arrangements? Does your GF live with you, or her mum?

The thing is, if your GF doesn't agree that her mum shouldn't be allowed to see your baby at all, you're not going to be able to stop her taking the baby round to her mum's.You need to sit down and have a calm discussion and work out how you're going to handle this, because your GF might want her mum around when she's just had a new baby.

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