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Is this a form of rape or am I over-reacting?

(123 Posts)
fwbgonewrong Fri 22-Jun-18 09:55:15

Hi all - I will start by saying I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and have also been raped before, which probably makes my boundaries very skewed in some ways. I have been quite promiscuous at times, with a need to sort of emulate Samantha from SATC's kind of sexual liberation so as to feel in control (I'm not nearly as prolific as her by the way!). I have always been up front about this. I'm saying this in order to give an accurate background and not drip feed.

I'm a single mum in my early 30's and have been seeing a 46 year old guy I met online since October. The intention was always to just become "friends with benefits" as he was fresh out of a divorce and I had too much on (kids/work/moving area/etc). So we've been happily meeting up every 2-3 weeks or so - just for sex and a fry-up in the morning! I liked him well enough for a chat, a shag and a cuddle but had no feelings of wanting to take it to relationship level and I think he felt the same. Nice and easy you would think?

Apologies as I'm about to get a bit graphic from here on...

He hadn't had sex for the last three years of his marriage and before that it hadn't been frequent or particularly great. I can see why he'd actually be the problem there; he is circumcised and can only get off in certain positions (which as a 6ft 4" guy built like a rugby player) meant that I would often be pinned to the bed underneath his weight, crushed against the mattress). His ex wife was even tinier than I am and I can see why she must have got sick of being suffocated to the point of not putting out!

The sex was okay if I was on top and he was pretty good at all the non-penetrative stuff but it was far from the best I've ever had. He however told me that I was the best he had ever had (which is hugely complimentary but I think an exaggeration after such a long dry spell)!

He liked me on top doing all the work and orgasmed that way a few times. But his favourite way to cum would be to literally pin me to the bed on my front and grind inside me from behind until he came. I'm guessing the extra friction felt nice for him because of his lack of foreskin but it wasn't great for me. He is also obsessed with my backside and would bargain for anal sex as much as possible.

I've never been a huge fan of anal but the first few times we took it slow, lots of lube blush and both enjoyed ourselves. We didn't do it every time we met up but he started increasingly wanting it. However, on about the fourth time, he cut me inside just as he was finishing. He didn't realise and I spent the next few weeks being a bit sore until we met again. I thought I was healed by that point so we tried again, with me pinned to the bed (and crushed). As soon as he started it was searingly painful and I yelled out "ow!" He seemed to get excited by this rather than stop and went at me faster. I couldn't move and was crying in pain (Although he might not have known this as my face was in the pillow). And then the pain got too much so I yelled "stop" just as he was about to finish. He didn't stop and thrust a few more times until he did finish. I was so glad it was over and stupidly didn't say anything at the time as I thought "he's such a nice guy, there's no way he did that deliberately"?!

We refrained from the backside stuff the next time we met, but the time after that the exact same thing happened. During that exact same sex session he managed to accidentally fracture my rib (likely caused by his weight on top of me). I didn't tell him it was him that did this but we haven't met up in the last 7 weeks whilst I've been "recovering". (I'm absolutely fine now and have been for a few weeks). We've stayed in touch over WhatsApp sending each other jokes and catching up. Plans to meet up in July, etc. But I've found since having a break away from him that I can't stop thinking about those two incidents and how they don't sit right with me. I'm also not missing the sex - I guess it never really was all that for me (even though he was having the time of his life)!

Other not so nice things? He took a photo of us engaging in anal sex (just private parts, no faces) and I later found out he'd shown it a friend. I'm not sure why I didn't kick off at this. Just laughed it off even though I wasn't happy.

Two days ago he sent me a joke meme about anal sex along with a comment about how he "can't wait to be inside my arse again" (lovely!). I looked at it and couldn't even dignify it with a reply so ignored it and talked about something else later that day. He then sent it again last night and said "what did you think of this" so he really wants a reaction to it! Except it's made me inexplicably feel really angry! And I've ignored it (and him) since then. I just don't know what to say to him? Maybe he doesn't realise and doesn't get it? It's not like I've been clear. But he had to know he was hurting me right? And prioritised his fetish and his need to get off...sad

This is probably my own fault. I don't handle these things very well. Really thought he was a gent. Didn't want to take it further than FWB but now I don't want to ever see him again. But should I say anything to him? I'm so not good at this.

Lemonyknickers Fri 22-Jun-18 10:00:40

Oh poor you. Re read your post again and you'll see how awful he is, and block him on everything and run. This is NOT right in anyway. flowers

INeedAnAero Fri 22-Jun-18 10:01:35

You need to stop all contact with this man immediately. I never post on these boards really, but just felt compelled to do so as there are so many things in your story that are just so very wrong.
He is not a gent. He has treated you terribly and shown no regard whatsoever for your health or safety. Utter cunt.

Please, please cut all contact.

INeedAnAero Fri 22-Jun-18 10:06:19

And it is absolutely NOT your fault. At all. In any way whatsoever.

I'm so sorry you went through this. Please protect yourself now. Do not contact him ever again. Keep yourself safe. You matter, you're important and NOBODY deserves treatment like this.

God some people make me fucking sick. Animals.

Look after yourself OPflowers

Cricrichan Fri 22-Jun-18 10:07:49

Bloody hell, he's injured you three times and you've not had sex that often!! I've never ever been injured whilst having sex and anything I was uncomfortable with they'd immediately stopped.

fwbgonewrong Fri 22-Jun-18 10:10:48

Thanks for the replies...thanks

Do you really think there's no chance he'd have known he was hurting me? He seemed to think a great time was had by all (self awareness not his strong point)! And crucially I didn't say anything at the time.

I already know that I no longer want to see him again and I'm trying to think of how to phrase it (as it'll be done over text - classy)! I'm just thinking do I tell him the truth just in case there's a chance he meant no harm and is more careful with other women in the future? Or is that pointless because he's secretly such a deviant that he'll do what he wants anyway? sad If it's the second option then I must admit his awkward, gentle guy persona had me fooled! I really don't know.

Either way, he's got me feeling like a being a wank sock is all I'm good for so I think I'll lay off sex until I'm ready for a relationship again. sad

Prawnofthepatriarchy Fri 22-Jun-18 10:11:32

Your boundaries are more than skewed, poor darling. They're pretty much non existent. What happened to you is very serious sexual abuse.

Two days ago he sent me a joke meme about anal sex along with a comment about how he "can't wait to be inside my arse again" (lovely!). I looked at it and couldn't even dignify it with a reply so ignored it and talked about something else later that day. He then sent it again last night and said "what did you think of this" so he really wants a reaction to it! Except it's made me inexplicably feel really angry! And I've ignored it (and him) since then. I just don't know what to say to him? Maybe he doesn't realise and doesn't get it? It's not like I've been clear. But he had to know he was hurting me right? And prioritised his fetish and his need to get off...

Your anger isn't inexplicable. Your anger - your rage, your fury - is entirely reasonable. You've been violently anally raped. Repeatedly.

You do know anal sex isn't compulsory? I find it uncomfortable and won't do it. Anyone who tried to pressure me would be out on his ear.

Please don't see him again. Please believe most women would never have seen him again after the first time.

I'd think therapy would be a plan, both for your boundaries and to recover from this vile man's assaults.

However I'm sure far better informed people will be along in a minute.

shiklah Fri 22-Jun-18 10:11:41

It sounds awful OP. He's seriously injured you, please don't see him again. Have you got anyone you can talk to in real life?

dirtybadger Fri 22-Jun-18 10:11:55

Well, my boundaries are probably skewed too because something similar happened to me a few years ago on a ONS. I think its normal for most people to try and rationalise away whats happened. Maybe they didnt realise (are they fucking idiots?), etc. Of course they realise. It is rape.

Legally it is rape if the person has reasonable grounds to believe they do not have consent. It is "reasonable" for the average person, not for them in particular. So they cant just claim they are extra dumb and didnt realise.

Would a reasonable person realise you didnt want to continue? IMO yes. You were crying, yelped ow, and shouted stop. Who could really argue they thought you wanted to continue directly after shouting stop! Consent can be withdrawn at any time.

I now have a pretty good frame of reference for this because my DP likes bum...stuff. Because I am a normal human being, if he yelped ow I would make sure he was okay and ease up (or stop- I would ask him if he wanted to stop). If he shouted stop- I would stop no matter if I was about to finish. Like, immediately! I would 100% notice if he was crying!!! Unless you normally have your face burrowed in a pillow, theres no eye contact, and you are silent- in which case maybe he didnt notice as thats what usually happens....but he still raped you because he didnt stop when you told him to!

Please never see this man again!! Consider reporting it if you are strong enough. But as a minimum never see him again. Just ghost him if its easier.

Gloryificus Fri 22-Jun-18 10:12:39

Listen to those instincts that are angry at this utterly horrible man! He has used you repeatedly for his own pleasure with no regard whatsoever to the pain and actual injury he could have and did cause!
Block him immediately

Parkrunner25 Fri 22-Jun-18 10:14:53

Boundaries aside, he's made you feel uncomfortable, which means it's not right for you. You don't have articulate a reason (either to him or yourself).

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname Fri 22-Jun-18 10:15:07

As an ex fwb member I feel that type of 'relationship' comes without the respect or boundaries of a regular relationship.
Spell it out to him if you want to continue things.

shiklah Fri 22-Jun-18 10:15:45

My dh is a 6f'6 rugby player. I am 5'2, he doesn't 'crush' me because he loves me, he's careful. You aren't a blow up doll or a sex robot.

Tell him you don't want to see him because he hurt you and if he replies minimising it be clear 'You hurt me and I do not want to see you ever again'. Start creating boundaries.

Prawnofthepatriarchy Fri 22-Jun-18 10:16:02

Fwbgone,: please tell him in the text. Say something like "you anally raped me and have injured me. I never want to hear from you again".

ScattyCharly Fri 22-Jun-18 10:16:42

Holy crap. You need to get out of this situation somehow. Not seeing him or contacting him ever again. Does he know where you live?

MeMyselfand Fri 22-Jun-18 10:16:45

You really need to talk to him and tell him what's happened, sounds like he's in the dark and doesn't realise he's hurt you so will think everything's normal and want to carry on. Even if you don't meet up with him again you need to explain so he doesn't do it to the next person

dirtybadger Fri 22-Jun-18 10:16:53

It would probably be good if you mentioned to him at least that he didnt stop when you told him to, so you dont feel safe having sex with him again.

If he admits it, that might also be evidentially important if you did decide to report it.

But it isnt your job to teach him about consent. So just say whatever you feel comfortable with.

vampirethriller Fri 22-Jun-18 10:20:11

I've slept with many circumcised men and none have had to pin me down and grind hard. They've had the same sensitivity as uncircumcised men, allowing for personal difference etc.
The fact that he got excited when you said it hurt is pretty nasty.

Strigiformes Fri 22-Jun-18 10:21:11

Please just block him op, he doesn't deserve the courtesy of a breakup text. Of course he knew that you wanted to stop, he just chose to ignore you. He has hurt you more than once and doesn't care flowers

misscph1973 Fri 22-Jun-18 10:23:07

I honestly do not understand how any woman could even remotely enjoy anal. I have tried it, it was painful, never again.

Would your FWB enjoy having a dildo rammed up his bum?

You are being far too "understanding", it's all about his pleasure. You are ignoring yourself in this "relationship". He does get it, he just doesn't care.

I would say it's borderline rape.

haba Fri 22-Jun-18 10:25:47

He broke your rib? shock
Did you even tell him?

The anal stuff sounds like a huge porn addiction.

You really do not need to see him again, you owe him nothing. Please take care of yourself.

FermatsTheorem Fri 22-Jun-18 10:27:55

OP, that's horrible. flowers Yes, rape - there's no way he can't have noticed the state you were in.

Dump him and move on. And do some work on boundaries if you can. There's a great piece on "building a shark cage" (it's Australian) on how to build up your boundaries (pdf download btw, you may want to wait till you're on a wifi connection rather than chomping up mobile data).

www.psychotherapy.com.au/fileadmin/site_files/pdfs/SharkCage.pdf

MrsJayy Fri 22-Jun-18 10:29:28

You are in an abusive relationship you need to stop seeing him sex is to be enjoyed and not endured and a broken rib, maybe there was a reason his wife didn't want sex.

eddielizzard Fri 22-Jun-18 10:32:41

i think i would say 'you really hurt me the last two times. the last time you fractured one of my ribs. i don't want to see you ever again.' and then block.

your instincts are spot on. you know it's been going in a direction you don't like and so you're right to end it. this guy did know he was hurting you - when you shouted 'ow' he did the opposite of what a kind, caring person would do. that is enough to tell you what you need to know.

Juells Fri 22-Jun-18 10:33:51

Block and ignore. If you can't let it go without some closure, then use what @Prawnofthepatriarchy suggested - "you raped and injured me, I never want to see you again". The trouble with explaining is that it gives him a chance to 'explain' back, and minimise, and promise not to do it again. Until the next time he gets excited.

Your self-esteem is very low, you should be nice to yourself and do some reading up on how to get over the trauma in your earlier life. You deserve to have somebody who loves you and treats you well. flowers

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