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Controlling ex husband

(28 Posts)
Dolphins23 Thu 21-Jun-18 18:53:20

Spilt up with husband from a physical and emotional abusive just over a year now
And he still tries to control! Every single day I get a text askin how's the kids (which is completely fine) but if I don't answer with minutes, he keeps on texting the same thing over and over ( yesterday I got 13 texts from him within a couple of hours) but I am busy with either working, driving or takin care of the kids, kids playin on my phone etc I don't have time to straight away! And if it's been a couple of hours with no reply he runs straight to my mum pestering her to see why I ain't answering!!! Anyone else find this really irritating?

jeaux90 Thu 21-Jun-18 18:56:58

You need to ignore him. Do you have a contact arrangement in place?

Dolphins23 Thu 21-Jun-18 18:59:21

daughter goes to his every weekend

NellMangel Thu 21-Jun-18 19:27:25

Unacceptable. I would reply when it was convenient to do so, and tell your mum to block him. How annoying for you. Twat.

Maelstrop Thu 21-Jun-18 22:48:19

Your mum needs to block him for a start.

WowLookAtYou Thu 21-Jun-18 22:56:59

She goes to him every weekend? And when do you have 'down-time' with her?

Dolphins23 Thu 21-Jun-18 23:05:03

I don't have much time with me and her except a little abit after school if I don't have work or when their off school

WowLookAtYou Thu 21-Jun-18 23:06:40

Well, I'd be changing that for a start. Why can you not make it every other weekend (plus a day during the week) like most other people do?

C0untDucku1a Thu 21-Jun-18 23:07:14

That arrangement is no good. You have all the achool runs and he gets all the fun time?

Get a new phone and only switch the other one at set times.

Show your solicitor the messages?

Shylo Thu 21-Jun-18 23:11:07

Echoing that everyone has said above .... the texts are the least of your worries, start spending every other weekend with your child he doesn’t get to have her for all the relaxing parts of the week

Cawfee Thu 21-Jun-18 23:21:59

No no no. None of this is ok. He’s acting like you are still his property. Have you seen a solicitor? Every other weekend for a start (go see a solicitor) and a firm message saying that you will no longer be answering general non emergency messages unless it’s to make childcare arrangements or deal with necessary parenting issues.

steppingonIego Thu 21-Jun-18 23:50:49

I can't imagine never seeing my child at the weekend - your child will grow up wondering why :-(
It's very sad.

Unless there's a reason for it, I agree with everyone else that you need time with them too.

Cricrichan Thu 21-Jun-18 23:57:42

Change it to every other weekend and tell him that he's not to contact you except for prearranged times. You will contact him if anything comes up. Tell your mum to ignore him to.

PippilottaLongstocking Thu 21-Jun-18 23:59:12

cawfee STILL his property?? She was never his property!

ihatewineandsoaps Fri 22-Jun-18 00:01:21

Tell your mum to block his number!

stopfuckingshoutingatme Fri 22-Jun-18 07:00:11

This is wrong wrong wrong

The whole point of splitting is to stop the bullying ! I don’t know OP but you can’t have this forever

The usual
Answers are :

Keep a
Diary of the abusive and harassing messages
Get child a Nokia to text daddy
Block , and set up a child
Communication email . Check it once a day

AngelsSins Fri 22-Jun-18 12:57:43

Could you get a cheap new phone or SIM card, give him the new number (maybe also change your current one), and then only check the new phone once a day (if that)? Tell your mum to block him and tell him that if he keeps harassing you like this, you will report him to the police. He is only to contact you if urgent/important.

Or, as suggested above, are your DC old enough to have their own phones?

He’s a weak little man who needs to try and control you to give himself a warped sense of self worth.

Hissy Fri 22-Jun-18 13:24:30

1. If YOU can't handle the behaviour of your Ex due to his abuse of you and control/manipulation, how on earth do you think a CHILD (female child particularly) will fare?

2. You text him back ONCE to say, "I will reply to you when convenient/when I can/want to. Do NOT hound me." If he can't behave, block him.

3. Your MUM needs to tell him to FTFO too, she needs to send HIM a reply that says "Dolphins is fine, she will reply when she can/wants, don't hound me/contact me again" Then if he doesn't behave, she needs to block him.

4. You need time for your DD, she doesn't need to be with him every weekend, heck, see point 1, she is better off with LESS contact rather than more!

Who taught you that a man like this was a good bet as a partner, is your mum a victim of domestic abuse too? was she the person who showed you how to be treated like shit?

Do you understand that if you don't do things differently if your DD doesn't' grow up understanding somehow that her dad is a very poor partner that she too will end up in a relationship like yours?

You can only break this unahppy cycle of abuse by being different to how you have learned to be. Your new life starts now, you are free, you are away from him. Don't allow him the space to run your lives any more.

You can (and must) do this. I was where you were once, and now the ex is like an alien to me, he has absolutely no power over me whatsoever. he knows how pathetic and weak I find him.

It's a process, it won't happen overnight, but YOU are in control of your life now, not him.

So, first things first:
Weekends - scale them back - "she's not coming this/next weekend, she's with me." do not engage/discuss/negotiate.

Calls - text him once then switch off the phone, when and if he runs to your mum, she has to do the same. he can't control you if you don't let him.

Dolphins23 Sat 23-Jun-18 21:21:43

Thank you for all the replies
I will be spending more time with her as of next weekend I've realised that I do all of the work and have no fun with her

and I have to keep messaging every week a few times to get him to pay me maintenance, he says he's playin my game of ignoring me and not sending it because I don't reply when he asks how she is every day
I've looked through csa and I'd get a lot less.

And I've told him I would not reply to any messages that are not about arrangements this is the reply I got:

I'm not harassing. I ask about the kids that's it. All's I ask for is a yeah they're fine once a day which I think is fair. And A photo now and again would be appreciated

Hissy Sat 23-Jun-18 22:02:03

Just ignore him, he’s trying to negotiate his way into controlling you.

Well done (((Hug)))

SandyY2K Sat 23-Jun-18 23:15:42

When the kids are with you...

1)block him.

2) Or send a regular text every morning...saying the DC is/are fine today. I'll be busy and unable to respond to any texts...or

3) quite simply tell him. If there is an emergency..I'll let you know... otherwise assume all is well. He's harrasing you.

3 is my preferred option. It gives you control

SandyY2K Sat 23-Jun-18 23:18:01

I have to keep messaging every week a few times to get him to pay me maintenance

Get legal advice and get it sorted out properly. He can have his pay garnished if he's doing this nonsense.

Don't let him continue with this abuse.

UpstartCrow Sat 23-Jun-18 23:20:11

''he says he's playing my game of ignoring me and not sending it because I don't reply when he asks ''

This is an example of DARVO - Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. He is harassing you by demanding compliance. You are not playing games.
He sounds like hard work. How is your DD when she gets back after seeing him?

Dolphins23 Sun 24-Jun-18 00:32:45

Upstart crow
She's becoming hard to handle atm to be honest. Whenever we go shopping she always asks for a toy that's quite expensive, if I say no she kicks off and says I'll ask my dad my dad will buy it me. If she doesn't eat her tea and then asks for sweets I say no and she says my daddy always lets me etc. It's becoming such a battle. I have tried to have it out with him about it he says she's always good and never plays up for him so he buys her stuff for being good

VanGoghsDog Sun 24-Jun-18 00:39:16

Pre empt it. 7am every day send a text saying "the kids are fine today".

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