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Is lovebombing ever not sinister?

(9 Posts)
101trees Thu 21-Jun-18 17:47:35

Hi there

Met a new guy. He is very full on with the excessive compliments and hopes that a LT relationship might be possible after getting to know each other properly.

This freaks me out a little, I'm not sure if it is just that he has quite an OTT personality and is one for getting carried away with romanticism, or if I should be running for the hills.

Anyone got any insights about how to tell when someone is just super over excited or a manipulative sod?

I've definitely been subject to the 'maybe Th is is it' bug before, but I tend to keep that to myself !

Any advice appreciated !

PebbleTissueScissors Thu 21-Jun-18 18:08:35

He is very full on with the excessive compliments and hopes that a LT relationship might be possible after getting to know each other properly

I wouldn't describe that as love bombing myself. Love bombing is a lot more than flowery compliments and expressing hope that it might work out - that sounds like initial keenness with a poor turn of phrase.

Love bombing is far more intense. It usually involves cleverly working out your deepest desires and mirroring them - coupled with intense actions, typically excessive contact and fast move to declarations of love and having never felt like this before.

So say if you are a sucker for a romantic man in touch with his feelings - he would be all vulnerable to you, book a surprise trip to Paris, send you flowers, pick you up from work for a romantic picnic on the beach at sunset. It's all very very full on.

I think the touchstone for lovebombing is if within a very short space of time (where you can't possibly know each other) it feels absolutely perfect and too good to be true, it probably is too good to be true.

There is a difference between being super keen and naturally excited and being a narcissistic love bomber. The former has an air of reality so will have normal doubts, the latter is an unreal fantasy and there is no mental space for doubt.

101trees Fri 22-Jun-18 22:57:25

That was really helpful Pebbles - thank you !

I think there is a huge amount of contact very early on. The rest I don't relate to as much.

I suspect there is a bit of both doubts and fantasy going on there and I'm just not sure it that's an early on infatuation thing or something I should be really wary of.

Thanks for the comprehensive answer !

Mrstobe90 Sat 23-Jun-18 01:19:24

If you have any doubts then don't get in a relationship with him.

Instincts are usually right so if your gut is telling you to stay away, do it.

Fuckwithnosensesauce Sat 23-Jun-18 01:31:59

I also think love bombing has a very touchy-touchy feel to it too. Lots of sitting close, hair touching, hand holding, body mirroring in order to create a false sense of intimacy.

dirtybadger Sat 23-Jun-18 02:04:31

If it feels insincere, suffocating or too much, then end it. It doesnt have to be manipulative or love bombing for it to be unworkable and a sign you arent well matched. Personally it sounds too much for me, but I cringe at ott compliments and a lot of contact way earlier than the average person.

BoiledFrog Sat 23-Jun-18 02:21:23

I had someone try to lovebomb me, thankfully I recognised what was going on, plus was still in love with an ex blush which innoculated me somewhat.

The things he did were, turn up to my house on valentine's Day after we hadn't known each other too long with very expensive perfume and champagne. He used to stay at mine when the kids were at their dads, I'd get ready to go and pick them up and he just kind of assumed he would be hanging around hmm

He wanted me to meet his family very early on, just acted really kind of entitled in my house tbh. Left the toilet seat up, made quite a few "red flagish" comments especially when drunk. I had to be really blunt to get rid of him if I'm honest.

I'm actually thankful to the ex I was still in love with tbh, if I hadn't been with him, I might have fell for this guy's shtick, despite him being quite irritating haha.

Turns out, and for some reason he actually told me that he had beaten up his ex and wasn't allowed contact with his daughter. Bullet=dodged.

If you like him, just keep him at arm's length for a good length of time, if he's twat chances are he will show you.

101trees Sat 23-Jun-18 07:06:18

Wow thanks so much for all of that guys. This place is just amazing for pooling together the resources of everyone's experiences. I'm feeling the benefits right now!

It does feel intense. He is an intense person. I do like him a lot, but I'm also hyper vigilant after a terrible marriage to someone who was very lovely and intense in the beginning but turned out to be incredibly controlling in the long run. So this sets of all my warning lights.

Arms length seems like a good approach. I get the impression he is keen for me to invest emotionally, but I find myself actually relieved when he expresses doubts and talks about spending time properly getting to know each other because it feels more real and realistic to me.

The problem is that, although it has been 4 years since my bad relationship and I've had counselling (3 times!) And got myself to such a sorted place - I still don't have confidence in my instincts or faith that I would adequately avoid that type of person again. I know that relationship has impacted on how I'm feeling now - I just can't work out if it is paranioa or potentially me missing some signs again.

Definitely erring on the side of caution this time though !

Fuckwithnosensesauce Sat 23-Jun-18 16:10:14

I wou,dn't doubt how much you have learned in 4 years, you spotted this one.

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