Advice - cheating partner and mixed feelings/respect

[Jonjah]

I don’t think I’ve ever posted before, so go easy! I’m really questioning my own self-respect right now. To summarise, my partner of 6 years and father of our sweet DS, I believe slept with a prostitute on Tuesday night. I only found out as when he got home at 5am, he tried to flush the used condom down the toilet but it didn’t flush properly, and I found it. When confronted he said straight away he had been to a brothel. I calmly left for work yesterday morning, felt sick all day and when I got home we had a chat. It’s worth mentioning DP has a drink problem which is a constant issue in our relationship. He has sought help. I have considered leaving over this, but decided to stay for the sake of our DS.

Last night, he talked me through what happened and has said sorry (a lot) and that he loves me and DS. He had been out for a 40th they all got really drunk. He then says (this is the bit where I can tell he is starting to lie to ‘soften’ the story), him and the birthday guy got in a taxi looking for a club to go to and he dropped them off at a brothel, he didn’t realise what was happening, they went in and got some drinks and then he ended up in a room alone with a woman. He put a condom on and then realised what was happening and put his clothes back on and left. There’s holes all over this story, I don’t need anyone to tell me this, and I don’t believe him. I have fully accepted he has cheated on me and even if his story is true, he has lost all trust from me as soon as he didn’t walk away when he realised where he was being dropped off at and walked through the front door. This is the last thing I would have expected from him, I just didnt think I ever had to worry about this type of issue. I fully fully trusted him.

I asked him to stay with a friend for a bit, he left and after a good night sleep I actually still feel calm-ish (maybe even numb is a better word) I’m just confused as to what to do next. I feel like I’ve mentally accepted what’s happened and could even move on with him. I’m not sure I want to though. I probably couldn’t afford to be a single mum where we live now, I’d had to consider moving back to where my parents are (5 hours from where we live now). I consider myself a strong, independent woman and part of me wants to split up, but I can’t face the thought of DS not being with his Daddy every day. He would be so sad. But what is wrong with me? Why do I not have more self-respect for myself to do something about this? I’m not even that angry or upset today. I must admit that previous relationships have been quite traumatic and at the time I probably didn’t deal with them properly emotionally and just put them to the back of my head. But it is years later, and I still chew over what has happened and now I’m on anti-depressants, maybe partly due to suppressing emotions I should have dealt with years ago.

I haven’t spoken to any of my friends or family yet. I know if I tell them what’s happened then I can’t take that back. And my lack of self-worth will be glaring for all to see if I take him back. I don’t know what to do as next steps, I don’t know if I want a relationship anymore, I know I need to consider our son though. What would you do?

[Disquieted1]

It is irrelevant what other people would do.

What do you want? And is this achievable practically, emotionally and psychologically?

[Jonjah]

I'm not sure. I feel so numb and too calm to think properly. I spend so much time just getting on with things that I never really stop to think.

I guess, I have debated leaving him so many times over the drinking, that this is really the icing on the cake. I know I should leave. That is the right thing to do for me, and yes practically and emotionally it is feasible. psychologically i don't know. But it would be so much upheaval for everyone. If he could sort his drinking out, I could potentially, in time, deal with the infidelity. Maybe I would need some help in talking it through though so it doesn't affect my mental health long term.

[magoria]

Your DS is the reason to leave not to stay.

There are plenty of horrific stories on here from people who's parent stay with a parent with a drink problem 'for the children'.

As for the prostitute. When/how did he pay? Upfront = he knew what he was doing. Can't imagine she or the brothel would let him walk out during/after without paying.

How could you ever have sex with him again? My skin would be crawling.

How can you ever trust him to go out again?

After all these years he still has a drink problem. You and DS have not been enough for him to deal with that.

He can still be an amazing dad if not in a relationship with you.

Perhaps you ending this will be the wake up he needs to sort himself.

Only you can decide what you will do.

[MrsGaslighted]

I'm in a very similar situation. The drink problem and prostitute use seems to come up a lot.
You know he's lying though his teeth, I know my husband lied to save his skin.
I also think my husband tried to arrange another meeting once he thought the dust had settled and I'm sure if you stay with yours then it will not be the end of the story.
They have shown addictive behaviour by having drink problems, this is another vice that they won't be able to resist.
It's really up to you what you want to do, take some time to think about it. I did, and I can tell you that after months of being eaten alive by it I have decided to leave. Which I really wish I had done on day one.

[RatRolyPoly]

Just remember you don't need to do anything immediately; not to appease anybody here, not to show yourself that you're "doing the right thing", not for any reason at all.

My advice is to take your time; leave today, leave tomorrow, leave in six months time or don't leave at all, there's no rush. It's such a massive, massive thing to process, it's not a question of poor self-esteem that you need time to get your head around this. It's not like if you don't leave him for this today you never can; you will always have that right. This will always be reason enough, even 10 years down the line.

Perhaps you'll get through it. I'm not saying that because it's what I think will happen, I'm just saying that because I bet you're still thinking it... hoping it. Perhaps you will. But that will also be a outcome you'll only be to come to over time. So take all the time you need.

[Snappedandfarted2018]

It’s always the first time and it’s always a mistake his story is pretty insulting to you. The likeyhood is he’s most likely a regular at these brothels you found out by chance. Please get checked out at the very least. I have to say it’s up to you what you do but do you want to stay in this environment with your young ds who’s Male
Role model is someone who drinks and shags prositiudes

[Jonjah]

These are all very useful, thank you. I agree, giving myself time is a good idea. I think I'm confused as I think I need to make a decision and do something now. But youre right, it IS massive news to take in and process. And the explanation IS insulting. I can't believe he thinks I'm going to accept his story. You might be right, this might not be the first time. Its not the first time he has turned up at 5am citing 'falling asleep drunk on his mates sofa'....

@RatRolyPoly. Sorry you are going through similar. What made you leave eventually?

We've got so much stuff booked to look forward to, guess I should start cancelling things.

[MrsGaslighted]

It's me that going through similar!
I haven't left yet, but I will soon once I have got everything sorted.
The main thing that has made my mind up is the being lied to. He swears blind things happened the way he said even though it blatantly makes no sense. I actually questioned my sanity and wondered if I was going mad. That to me is the cruellest part of this whole thing.
And it sounds like yours has come up with some pretty unbelievable bollocks. I'm worried that you have the same fate in store over the coming months as he tries desperately to cling to this version of events.
Just be strong and be vigilant.

[MrsGaslighted]

That's obviously if you decided to stay for the coming months. I know what you mean by the drinking should have been enough, it's bloody awful. You think adding this little escort cherry on the top would make it a no brainer!!
None of it will get any better is basically what I'm saying. Addicts don't put families first.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

It's maybe possible to get over infidelity. Maybe for some people.

For me the two issues I would find harder are that he's lying in a way that implies you are so gullible that he has no respect for you. And that he's happy to use a sex worker. That implies such a lack of respect and care for women, I just couldn't.

[RachelfromFriends]

Very hard to prepare yourself for forgiveness when he is STILL LYING! Some people only tell what they need to and hold half the story back. I couldn't live without in his half honesty

[HollowTalk]

You know you have to leave him, OP. Your self-esteem is at rock bottom which is why him telling you such an awful thing is not having such an impact on you.

Regarding his story - for one thing, a taxi driver takes you where you ask to go to. If you ask for a brothel, they'll take you there. If you ask for a nightclub, why would they take you to a brothel?

I'm wondering how on earth it happened that he came home with a used condom. That sounds like more the sort of thing you might do if you had sex in an alleyway, though even then I would've thought you'd just throw it away. It's hardly likely that in his drunken and lustful state, he's going to turn all environmentally friendly, is it? And even then, chucking it down the loo is awful.

Play the film of your life together to the end. What will your life be like in ten years' time if you stay with him and put up with this? What will it be like if you leave? Can you picture a better life for yourself?

If someone had told you at 18 that you'd be living with a man who is an alcoholic who visits prostitutes, what would you think? That that was the life that you wanted?

What sort of upbringing did you have, that you think you have to put up with this and bring your DC to see it day in, day out?

[Jonjah]

These are all great points, helping me think straighter. The lying is the bit I can't stop thinking about... how can he think I am so stupid!? If I didn't find the condom life would have continued. You're right, I can't even contemplate forgiveness without the whole truth. No matter how bad it is.

The condom thing is a puzzle...I guess he just finished up and left.

I was brought up in a very loving, normal family; my parents are still together and very much in love. Nothing traumatic at all.... which is why im struggling to see a future where that's not the case for ds perhaps?! I don't know.

[Jonjah]

@mrsgaslight sorry for the confusion! Yes You be got to laugh really ... as if the booze isn't enough....'icing on the cake' was my phrase last night! How are you now? Have you spoke to your friends? What did you tell them? Ive only recently shared the alcohol thing, I don't think I can face sharing the prostitute bit now...

[Fenwickdream]

I don't buy the brothel story. You wouldn't take the condom home. I'd say brothel softens the blow as he feels it's less personal/ just a thing blokes do etc and doesn't bring all the issues with it of actually fancying someone else. You would only pick up a condom and put it in your pocket if you were somewhere you could leave it. Men are such shits.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

You said 'if he could sort his drinking out' you might be able to deal with the infidelity. But he isn't, is he? Basically he's seen now what the drinking leads him to do (if, as he says, he was totally plastered when he was 'taken' to the brothel), and has that led him to AA? To really try to give up drink?

No? Then you know what he thinks about you now, don't you. And, by extenstion, your DC.

[Jonjah]

So the condom thing I get the impression he was actually wearing it and then took it off at home and put in the loo... does that make a difference? If he knew the person surely he would just take it off and wrap up and put in her bin ?

[Zaphodsotherhead]

extension. I can spell really.

[Jonjah]

Yeah he's on a rehab programme with medication but it's not working. It still requires an element of will power so I agree @zaphod

[outofmydepth45]

OP ask yourself if it matters or not. Think about what you do know, is that enough reason for yourself to leave.

Do think of your sons male role models, you both deserve better

[Fenwickdream]

You'll probably never know the answer to any of these questions. I apologise for putting another thought in your head. What does it matter deep down. You're better than him. Work on getting out of the relationship. Pretty sure there's someone out there who you could love again x

[Jonjah]

I never ever ever thought I'd be a single mum. I just can't believe this is happening

I'll never know fully....it will just niggle at me that I know I don't know the truth

[magoria]

OP if it hasn't been mentioned you also need a complete STI check up. Condoms don't protect from everything.

You have no idea if this is the 1st or 1000th time. He could have been putting your health at risk for years.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

He had been out for a 40th they all got really drunk.

The rehab is a waste of time and the medication isn't working.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

Sorry, pressed 'Send' too soon.

He's paying lip service to getting off the booze but, in actuality, doing nothing about it at all. If he's on the medication that makes you violently ill when you drink, he's not taking it. So he's pretending that he's getting help for his drinking, then going out, getting blasted and going to brothels.

He's lying to you on so many counts. It's not just to do with the prostitute use, is it?