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What are your reasons for going no contact with family or friends.

(24 Posts)
bunzie Thu 21-Jun-18 11:20:59

Please tell me....

I am 40 and have reached a point where I am not close to any family or friends in particular. Would just say hi but neither they or I make an effort to socialise in spite of being close months or years ago. I don't even make an effort on occasions like Christmas etc to send them a wish... they may sometimes. When I say NC below, just means very limited contact and only if absolutely necessary. I moved to country 12 years ago so my contact list is short anyways.

I went NC with a cousin who started body shaming my dh and criticised how much he ate.

I went NC with a 'close' friend who on Christmas Day invited all our friends to her house. My dd2 was 40 days old delivered via c section. The day before friend bugs me to make a dish knowing well I didn't have the ingredients so I had to take 2 dd to asda on Xmas eve. On Christmas she had an issue with me being the only one sitting at table for food while others sat down for their meal on the floor. She knew about my csection. When dd2 started to cry and someone started to rock her, I asked them not to as thought it would become a habit and she openly criticised my technique in front of all our friends saying how I get peace of mind as a mother hearing my baby cry. There are several other little things with her, but I think this was final straw.

I have gone NC with my brother who lives 10 min away but never comes to see my dc... he probably sees them 3 times a year if there is a family gathering arranged by others or at my place. I suffered from PND and he knew about it and I asked for his and SIL support as do not have parents here and he is my only family. Fair enough if they don't know how to deal with it, but they kept going out with my cousin who I am close to and I would find out on FB. So I told them to invite me as would be good for me to get out. But he point blank told me ... my mental issues and help with kids was not his problem. Same time cousin couldn't see any issue with not inviting me so have gone NC with her aswell as we are the only 3 cousins/ siblings from amongst close family who live close to each other. So I always thought I would be invited.

I have very limited contact with dh family who treat him like the black sheep of the family. I don't particularly depend on the for childcare etc. But they do love the grand children and Dc visit with dh.

As I started off with very few people in my life here, the incidents that have made me react this way are very vivid and sometimes I do wonder if I have overreacted. I have drilled this down to respect. If they don't have any for me or my family or do not want our company, what can we do?

AndTheBandPlayedOn Thu 21-Jun-18 21:03:09

I think the age of forty, or there about, is the age when people just stop taking crap off of others. Your reasons are just, imho. You feel what you feel.

Your ‘close’ friend was no friend at all. You are well rid.

I don’t have friends beyond my sister and dh. I don’t dwell on it as I enjoy my own company and can keep myself busy. I had practically no help with my 3 dc either- so didn’t really have time for friends anyway.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Thu 21-Jun-18 23:05:32

Oh to answer your question...
I am no contact with a sister who acts in completely narcissistic ways (that is me not diagnosing her wink ) to such an extent it was damaging to my mental health to be around her. I dreaded up coming contact, endured contact, recovered from contact...all clues to distance myself from her.

Heartshapedfairylights Thu 21-Jun-18 23:12:20

I dropped quite a few so called friends who were generally making me feel shitty. I was made to feel like an outsider in the group and always an after thought.
I dropped them all, deleted them from social media and i’ve never felt better.
Band is right. There comes a point when you just stop taking crap from horrible people.

stickygotstuck Thu 21-Jun-18 23:14:16

Pain.

Cawfee Thu 21-Jun-18 23:16:40

Totally with you on this. You’ve stood up for yourself so that’s good. It means you’ve lost people from your life but honestly, if they can treat you like that then are they worth knowing? The older I get, the fewer crap friends I tolerate. Can’t stand liars or people who leave me out. I’ve gone NC for lesser reasons than you. Maybe put yourself out there and make new friends if you are feeling lonely. I can’t personally be bothered with all of that as most people seem to be untrustworthy arseholes these days. Happy with my kids and DH thanks.

Gemini69 Thu 21-Jun-18 23:16:44

There comes a point when you just stop taking crap from horrible people

it's hits you like a thunderbolt.. and it's the most refreshing feeling on earth... just kick that door shut... lock it and chuck away the key flowers

Feckers2018 Fri 22-Jun-18 20:34:05

Sorry but I think you sound hard work. If you go NC with nearly everyone might it be you? Just saying.
Rocking a baby once will not be habit forming. And you have really gone NC because you weren't invited out? Are you sure they have noticed you have gone NC?

Stillme1 Fri 22-Jun-18 21:27:02

I was thinking along the same lines as Feckers2018 and I found it an eye opener when I read Feckers2018's comment.
It seems to me that you go no contact with people who do not obey you or do as you say.
In life we have to co-operate with others in lots of ways. It seems to me that people want things all to go their way.
People probably did not know that you didn't want your child rocked in the pram.
You may have had PND, others may have thought OP has just had a baby we cant expect her to be out kicking it over.
If your brother lives 10 minutes from you, you also live 10 minutes from him. He might work and think why is OP not calling in to speak to me just the same as you are saying why is he not coming to see me.
Everything has at least 2 sides but if things don't go your way your answer is go NC. It is sad to be alone if there is no big reason, such as criminal activity or dire ill health like being housebound.
Think it over

Jamboree05 Fri 22-Jun-18 23:27:05

Meaning no disrespect, I kind of agree with PPs.

I am NC with my parents because they are emotionally and physically abusive during. My mother has pulled me round the living room by my hair and my father had emotionally blackmailed me with suicide if I didn't abide by his rules to give you some basic examples.

I didn't really follow the situation with your friend but think you might want to rethink the setup with your brother...

Dimael Fri 22-Jun-18 23:46:06

Just gone NC with a friend of 10 years. She cancelled our holiday and the hotel was booked in my name so I am set to lose over £500. She doesn’t care and I have made myself ill with stress. I know money isn’t everything but to me it is a sizeable amount.

Kaznet Sat 23-Jun-18 00:43:10

NC with Dad since I was a teenager because I literally couldn't handle how he treated me anymore. Seen once since then but didn't go great.
NC with friend but only after years and years of selfish behaviour, active friendship was on and off but she just seems to get worse with age so finally I though why am I doing this I don't even really like her anymore.
I would say be cautious about bust ups over one event. It can be worth telling people what upset you and giving them another chance. Also you feel hurt by a few people now so be causious this isn't having an accumulative affect and your fuse isn't getting shorter. I'm only saying g that because maybe you wouldn't have posted if you didn't feel a bit sad about it.
It's sad I have NC with Dad but I don't think there's an alternative. I feel kind of good about NC friend tbh that situation was never going to change

FreckledLeopard Sat 23-Jun-18 00:54:34

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PrizeOik Sat 23-Jun-18 01:30:50

I am low contact with my sister. She mostly stopped speaking to me when I left my dh - she was upset/angry at me, wouldn't talk to me about it. It's been a few years now. Currently she tells family about how awful I am for not falling over myself to talk to her anymore. It's confusing. From my perspective, she made it very clear that i was not welcome in her life, so I made myself scarce but now I am the bad person. Weird

I'm in contact with my dm but keep her safely at arm's length. She's very stimulated by drama and is glad to see me suffer. She is the reason I know how my sister talked/talks about me, for example.

I don't see much point going completely nc with people unless they are actively abusive. In my opinion, there's always a chance I've misinterpreted or may later realise I was in the wrong somehow. So I don't think it's prudent to go really scorched earth.

I just take folk at their word, let them put distance between us if that's what they want to do, and I don't run after them. And I don't offer anything of myself to them. My vulnerabilities and my deep affections are reserved for people who reciprocate, who have taken the time to know and love me.

babba2014 Sat 23-Jun-18 01:48:26

Your first two friends ones seem valid.
I think with family it's a little different. Your brother didn't need to help you and it's your own choice to have kids etc etc but of course it's still sad. To be honest I don't live near any family etc so I had to get on with it and deal with the hard times alone so from that perspective I'd say don't expect much from him. I know some people get tons of help form siblings and others don't. You have to accept you're in the latter group even if it's hard to understand.

I'd say turn some of those around. I know I had to. It still seems like certain people don't care but I've been able to get back to the whatever attitude. So eg I'll keep asking them let's go out, come over etc etc until they do. They will go home and forget about me/us (more my DH's family) but at least we've got some social stuff done and won't feel as isolated. We are happy with our own company, don't get me wrong but when there's family events etc it feels so awkward when you've not spoken or seen anyone for a year despite them living close so we've just decided to be the ones to invite and keep asking rather than expecting them to invite us.

However if anyone is beyond rude then keep them at arms length and just be friendly when you see them. When it gets too much then leave, don't think you are expected to hang around.

Raven88 Sat 23-Jun-18 02:12:09

I've went no contact with someone and it was the best decision I've ever made. She drained my energy with her negativity. She was an exSM and we share a sister but I told her a few years ago to never contact me. I feel free.

Kingsclerelass Sat 23-Jun-18 02:30:11

I used to have a friend I’d lost contact with for a while. We used to go London clubbing & have a brilliant time. Ran into her years later and since ahe’d Just moved to my area and was on her own, I invited her to little local festival. She spent the whole day talking like an advert for the BNP. I was so disappointed. She had always been so funny before.. sad

Mountainsoutofmolehills Sat 23-Jun-18 02:39:34

135 blocked on FB, but a were from ISIS and some other are people I just don't want to see me..... collegues etc..

NC: MY Brother and sister in 1998, then my parents 4 years ago. I am in active conversation with 3 cousins, rest are out, and all ALL contact comes from me. I try to make family contacts, but in the end foudn that few families grow up under the same roof. Because my own family is so crap, I had to invest myself out at an early age, so i have surrogate familiy members. In general I find a lot of freedom in it, and we are made to feel like freaks being 'stand alones', but in reality so many people do it. And I have shit loads of refugee friends, I kind of understand a litle of what it's like being alone. I do find it hard with comments from an ex housemate for example that said 'why did you post that photo of oyu and your dad on fb' I said 'i didn't, it was someone else'.. she said 'but your sister would have seen it', I said 'why, she isn't on my fb', she said 'what. I said I haven't had contact with her for 20 years'.. she said no contact and then made me feel like a freak. Sometimes in life you have to save yourself. Other times frankly, I just can't put myself out. I would say that as a default I don't make so much contact when i am depressed and i am likely to hermit. Most people have poor social skills and ettiquette, if you feel exhausted by someone then take a break. Generally I would say that I veer more on the side of introvert. I've done the whole of my adult life really from 18 without any family input, and certainly no cash.

Mountainsoutofmolehills Sat 23-Jun-18 02:43:53

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Mountainsoutofmolehills Sat 23-Jun-18 02:45:03

FreckledLeopard I have reported you to Mumsnet. Shame on you.

Graphista Sat 23-Jun-18 02:45:03

I agree, 40 is the point you realise life is too short for bullshit!

I'm Nc with my sister for I think about 5 years. Had been Nc with her twice before and allowed myself to be persuaded to give her another chance cos "she's your sister" "it's faaaaamily" "you're making it sooooo hard for meeee"

Mainly my mother.

Reasons:
CONSTANT lying, about all sorts from little pointless shit to HUGE important shit - seriously would shock a lot of mn,

Totally unreliable - hours late for arrangements, flaking at the last second

User - uses EVERYONE for money, time, support - just expects it.

Being a shit aunt - my dd is eldest gc, as she got older and started to see through her, and call her out on her crap in that blunt way kids do, she started scapegoating and gaslighting her, trying to gaslight me into blaming dd for stuff she hadn't done.

Final straw was a really shitty action at a time of family crisis, sorry far too identifying to say. But this time she dropped herself in it and mum witnessed - and it involved her attacking me physically. So this time mum hasn't even attempted to persuade me otherwise - she barely speaks to her, herself!

Not a decision I took lightly or without VERY good reason. You know that feeling when you didn't realise you were tense, then you take action you were worried about, then afterward you suddenly realise how tense you were? That you seem to actually be breathing? That's how I felt after blocking her on everything (which did need to be done as she was sending hugs rants of text).

Several cousins because they've turned into insufferable snobs who think they're better than everyone else just because they married into wealth. They've treated other relatives - who were there for them when THEY were struggling - appallingly, inc pretending not to know them in public. Disgraceful.

Lc with parents - childhood abuse etc prob should be Nc but it's hard to explain when it's parents. It's a very strained relationship.

Couple of friends, not close friends, brexit brought out the worst in them and they revealed themselves to be extremely racist (in one case I suspect unwittingly) - blocked!

I don't think others can judge based on one post. There's usually a whole catalogue and posters only say the instances that stick out for them. Nobody is owed a relationship.

Monty27 Sat 23-Jun-18 02:48:56

AndTheBandPlayedOn I couldn't have put it better myself.
Op maybe you just didn't notice it before. Clearly you have given and they have taken.
IME that's family. I only see mine when they want something.
Tis life sadly.
Be good to yourself and your little family. flowers

Ilady Sat 23-Jun-18 04:23:34

I think like one of the other posters here that as you get older your no longer willing to keep taking crap off some people. Over time you find that friends or family change or are at a different part in their lives to you. Some people will make an effort to keep friendships going and will help you during a bad time ect.. Other people will let you down or disappear when they know you need their help.

I have a practically NC with a lady I was friendly with from a teenager into our 30's. I was a great friend when her husband to be decided a few weeks before the wedding that he did not want to get married. A few weeks after this she decided to give him another chance. About 2 months later I had to pick up the pieces again when she realised him and her were going no where. Over the space of the following 10 years she met another man, they got married and had IVF to have their family. I supported her as much as I could. I gave her nice presents for her wedding, when she moved into her forever home and when she had the baby.
I had to listen to her tell me how tough things were for her over the years. Tough for her was that her parents gave her the full deposit on her first home before she was 30. Then when she married her and her husband built a house on land he owned just before a boom came to the area they live in. Their house is worth double the cost of their low mortgage. She has a premanent state job that pays well, her husband has his own business and they have other income along with the rent of her 1st house. Meanwhile I was working in a few different jobs and trying to get money together to buy a house. When I rang her to say I had bought a house she showed hardly any interest. It took her months to find the time to call to see the house or me despite working 20 mins drive away. She gave me a house warming present that was the cheapest thing she could find. I finally saw just how mean she was. I started to look back over the previous years and realized that she could find me when no one else was around to help her out.
I realized that I had been there for her so much but she had shown very little interest in my life. After this I just stopped making the same effort to keep in contact with her. I would be civil if I met her but I have not spoken to her in a long time.

Sometimes you have to take a long look at a particular situation or the people involved in it. You have to decide do I keep on this path or change the way I am going. I remember reading about people. Some people are drains and some are rads. The drains just keep taking or after time in there company you just feel worse and never better. The rads are people who make you feel better and enrich your life. There lives are not always perfect, they have bad days like us all but it not always about them.

There are some people who I was very good to in the past but they are now NC on my part. I just got sick of the effort I was making to get nothing in return. One person is NC due to bad mouthing me and being honest I have a lot of dirt on them. If I told some people we both know in common this I could cause them a lot of trouble. I chose not to do this as I am not a bitchy teenager. I knew that being NC is better for my own happiness.

Ilikelotsofthinngs Sat 23-Jun-18 13:53:12

I've dropped two friends in the last year.
One I had been friends with for 25 years, did him a few favours when I was having a bad time myself, didn't hear from him for months, when we reconnected and I called him out he wouldn't accept responsibility, validate my feelings or apologise. So I've never seen him again, another of our friends has recently cut him off for similar reasons, he's just a very selfish irresponsible person. A taker.
Second one was actually a really good friend to me when I was having a bad time but it got to the point i think she feels like I owe her something in return. Weird controlling behavior and telling me what to do.
I felt like I was constantly having to defend my boundaries and it just became exhausting. She also lies and seems to be in constant conflict with one person or another.
So I've just withdrawn myself. Still waiting for the shit to hit the fan with that one to be honest.

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