Sexless relationship - really need advice/words of wisdom please!

[CalishataFolkart]

Hello all,

Posting on behalf of a friend (40) really needing advice on how to start the conversation with her DP (45) regarding the lack of sex in their relationship.

Please take it as read that she absolutely KNOWS that they need to talk, it’s just suggestions of how to go about it that are being asked for.

Background - together for 3.5 years, sex was fine in the first year but nothing for the last two. No major events, it just kind of petered out.

There have been MH and weight issues on both sides leading to low self-esteem, but my friend is dealing with hers. He has started going to the gym but his MH remains a problem (anxiety) which medication doesn’t help.

She has once raised the subject saying she felt they would never have sex again and he replied, “We will!” but the conversation went no further.

She doesn’t want him to feel obliged to “perform” but does feel something is missing from the relationship.

So as not to dripfeed his anxiety has made him quite adept at avoiding situations he cannot/doesn’t want to deal with and he often puts up barriers to even reasonable suggestions.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you start the conversation if you did resolve it? Any advice is gratefully received as this is a man she loves and wants to spend her life with, but this is a big problem.

[category12]

Joint counselling.

[CalishataFolkart]

Thank you for the suggestion.

The problem is literally how to start the conversation that could lead down that path.

[category12]

She'll have to say something to the effect of "this is going to be a difficult conversation, but we can't go on like this,", and not let him away with avoiding it. If it's getting to a make or break point, she needs to address it before they're too far down the road.

But this might be the way he is, he may have a low sex drive naturally. (The first year isn't much of an indication - it's the early stages where you'd expect lots of sex.)

It could be the medication he's on.

But there's really no easy way she can get him talking, if he doesn't want to talk.

[bunchofdrapes]

I think the setting is important too.

Maybe there was something he found sexy about her or a setting that he was particularly fond of and use this location and context to initiate a "remember when..." conversation.

At least it won't feel to him like a grim we have to talk conversation as this might trigger his anxiety again.