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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I bloody hate men.

121 replies

Horriblegrandma · 19/06/2018 23:04

After all these years I've come to the conclusion that the vast majority of men are bastards. I have been sexually, emotionally and physically abused, some of these multiple times. I've been cheated on and lied to and taken advantage of so many times.

All men think about is sex. I just don't want to know. They are all obsessed with it like it's the only thing that matters in life. I see women objectified all the time and used by men.

I am so sick of it all and don't think I could ever trust another man as long as I live.

I know I'm probably being over the top and that some of you have got lovely husbands but my own experiences are so far away from that. I don't want to feel like this but I'm so done with it all. I have a partner but he has also let me down recently.

OP posts:

Report

hellsbellsmelons · 19/06/2018 23:10

You really need to do some work on yourself.
Your boundaries.
Your assertiveness.
Make sure you do the Freedom Programme run by women's aid.
There are good men out there.
But you seem to be attracting to bad ones.
Time to get clued up and learn to dump sooner.
Might also help you if you read the Lundy Bancroft book!!!

ShirleyPhallus · 19/06/2018 23:13

I’m so sorry you feel like this. FWIW, there are really good men out there and for whatever reason, you’ve been attracted to or ended up with the wrong-uns.

Have you had any counselling or therapy to work on any issues you have and to try and move past your hurt?

When you get a good one, my god they can be the most fantastic, loyal support and incredible friend. Not just interested in shagging and then fucking you off. It is worth it.

Branleuse · 19/06/2018 23:13

I do know some nice men but you've still got to be careful

Horriblegrandma · 19/06/2018 23:14

Thanks Hellsbells. I've read the Lundy Bancroft book. The sexual abuse stuff was when I was a child. I don't believe that I could ever find a decent man. Stuff like that happens to other people, not me. I will never trust any man ever again.

OP posts:

Gruffalina72 · 19/06/2018 23:14

Nope. The OP is not "attracting" abusive men. They are targeting her.

Horriblegrandma · 19/06/2018 23:17

Thanks for replying and being nice too! I've had counselling over the years which has helped me. I'm so angry with it all. Just so sick and tired of life and how much it all hurts.

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Horriblegrandma · 19/06/2018 23:21

Gruffalina, are you saying that men may target me because they see me as possibly vulnerable? I wish I knew what I do to make this stuff happen and then I would stop!

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Involvedwaddict · 19/06/2018 23:22

I feel you girl, I really do...! Even my mom says all men are arseholes
😆

Involvedwaddict · 19/06/2018 23:22

Is it possible you're codependent, like, me...?

Horriblegrandma · 19/06/2018 23:23

Involved, at least I'm not alone! Seriously though I don't want to feel like this.

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AuntyElle · 19/06/2018 23:27

Yy to Gruffalina.
And I’m not far off your pov, OP.

eightfacesofthemoon · 19/06/2018 23:28

How are you boundaries now? I’m not talking about when you were a child and had no choice in what happened to you.
I mean now.
Because a lot of people who have strong boundaries stop things straight away. Be it men or friends or colleagues. They shut it down before it goes too far.

How much shit and pain do you think your subconscious can endure? Because that’s going to be a fundamental factor in your life. And if you’re a survivor, it’s amazing how much more resilient you think you are.

Lots of “normal” people don’t even realise they are putting down strong boundaries because it’s jist so natural, much like the opposit in your case.

So it’s not to do with me persay. It’s a lot deeper. That’s what you have to come to grips with

Horriblegrandma · 19/06/2018 23:29

I don't think I'm codependent. At least I don't recognise myself in the description. I've now become very independent and defend my right to live my own life. I can't rely on anyone emotionally or financially. Can't let my guard down.

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eightfacesofthemoon · 19/06/2018 23:29

Not me!! Men.

Involvedwaddict · 19/06/2018 23:30

You're certainly not...!
But could you tell a bit more, maybe we can help each other. I mean what's happened for example. What kind of abuse, how it's "manifested"?
If you don't mind. But anyways I'm totally in the club wit you
😆

ladywoowoo · 19/06/2018 23:32

My nana used to say 'men! I wouldn't give you tuppence for a room full!'

She said even the best of them were selfish, and I don't think my grandad was up to much.

Involvedwaddict · 19/06/2018 23:32

Are you sure you know what codependent means though...? And it's fine and really hope you're not but I'm not so sure for your reply there
So sorry for you

Horriblegrandma · 19/06/2018 23:33

I guess my boundaries are pretty low if I'm honest Eightfaces. I think you're right and that it's got a lot to do with what happened when I was a child. Subconsciously I think it's all I deserve. Like some kind of fatalistic belief that I can't have anything good.

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eightfacesofthemoon · 19/06/2018 23:34

Op with you’re last statement all I can say is you’re fighting against the wrong thing.
I know it’s not for a lot of people. But proper psychotherapy is the only way forward imo

You’re just putting up false defences. That ultimately just won’t work.

Horriblegrandma · 19/06/2018 23:35

Involved I may have got it wrong. I know it's not about being independent myself. I will read up more on it.

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ladywoowoo · 19/06/2018 23:35

If only it was as simple as just fixing oneself, however I think women are to quick to blame themselves and internalise abuse.

Yes I'm all for boundaries, but the dice is still loaded.

Horriblegrandma · 19/06/2018 23:36

Where can I get proper psychotherapy? Sounds expensive!

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eightfacesofthemoon · 19/06/2018 23:37

Cross post!
Fatalistic is entirely how you come across.
It’s a bit like “fuck you all” but inside a lot of pain. Otherwise you wouldn’t even be on here asking what you are.
I get it. It’s a way of shutting down from getting hurt.

But learning boundaries and getting some insight into what’s happened in your life will be the way you can help yourself.

Horriblegrandma · 19/06/2018 23:38

You're all being so kind and helpful. It has brought a tear to my eye with some of your insights. Thank you.

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Involvedwaddict · 19/06/2018 23:43

I'm not saying you are. Actually based on just that it's very hard to say what's going on. But I'd def read about things related. I've had to do some work on myself - again - lately.
psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-of-codependency/

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201803/toxic-relationships-we-be-needed-what-cost

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