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Reaching out for advice so so stuck still and it never ending :(

(2 Posts)
yogagirl22 Tue 19-Jun-18 19:37:36

Hi wise mumsnetters
Hoping for some advice and comfort and even tough love if you feel I am being indulgent!
After my marriage breakdown due to exh escort and porn habit, I went into a short fling? with a guy who pursued me despite me being very vulnerable. We went abroad together for 2 months where I had a bit of an episode due to unresolved stuff from the trauma of my marriage.
We were together for about 4 months and I thought were getting on great. Looking back he was a bit of a future faker and love bomber. I gave a lot more and invested a lot more, so after my episode he broke up with me wanting to be 'friends''. I then went back home and left him abroad. When he returned he maintained that he wanted to be friends but I was very heartbroken.
Cut a long story short, using my house sale money I went abroad again as I was unable to settle to a retreat. I was away for nearly three months. During that time he randomly messaged me and then started flirting with me confusing me. I called him out on it and he maintained that we are only friends. Hence we have not been in contact for a month, as I told him to delete my contact information and let me go. I still have lots of stuff from my old marital home at his place which I may or not retrieve when he is back from abroad again.
However after doing my version of eat pray love! I am home and feeling very stuck. I am trying so hard to keep busy - decorating flat, volunteering and seeing friends. But I feel very sad and heartbroken. My RL friends think I am fine, at peace and much improved and I do not want them to think otherwise, after spending so much time and money indulging my heartbreak? In a way I am but recently been lapsing back into obsessional thinking and despair. My positivity I gained seems to be fading.
I been snooping (I know!! its like an obsession) on my ex he back abroad and very cosy with a woman. lots of photos and posts from her we have been eating here etc...
Why oh why despite everything cant I just let go and focus on myself? Why do I feel so stuck? Its like I got no hope. People think I so strong and brave but the truth is I feel so broken still. Can anyone offer a perspective? I got some counselling in a few months but it seems a long time away. Friends are just thinking I getting on so I put a brave face on it all... I realise I had a golden opportunity to get away so feel guilty for feeling like it not really worked..Thanks for reading

Jenny1989 Tue 19-Jun-18 22:28:00

Is there anyway that you can bring your counselling forward? It doesn’t sound like you can wait a few months.

I know you’ve already spent a lot of money on your travels but it’ll be such a waste if you undo all that you achieved there (even if you don’t feel great right now) by waiting ages to speak with someone to address these issues and go further backwards.

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