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Controlling or just conceded?

(13 Posts)
imnotadragon Tue 19-Jun-18 19:35:16

Posting for a friend, bit of back story been together since 'Tina' was 16 now been together for nearly 9 years two children home together etc.

Tina isn't allowed to work as she must stay at home and it's out of the question, Tina isn't allowed a girls night out without Joey.
Tina isn't allowed to have male friends, talk to males, have them on Facebook/twitter etc.
She must say where she's going what' she's been doing who she's been with. She has the children every day plus doing a nursery run twice a day so doesn't have any time for herself to do anything regarding "meeting men".
For example today a elder man fell backwards and smashed the whole back of his head open blood was pooling out around said crushed head so Tina phoned an ambulance found a pulse and got passers by to help. Left to continue nursery run when ambulance came and was all ok hopefully. When she got home joey questioned what the man looked like, why did she have to infterfear and sit with him?. How old was he where does he live? why does she have blood on her?. She wanted to find the patient and send flowers to the hospital he then went crazy accusing her of intrfearing again and wanting to be in this mans life and just to back of from the man and leave him alone and it's not normal for her to want to see if he's ok.
In rows he's spat at her face numerous times,
He throws water or drinks over her he slowly tips ice water over her knowing she won't fight back. He will punch her thighs as she wears trousers everyday. (He doesn't like her wearing dr sees or skirts). He goes through her phone if unlocked and constantly tells her she is mental or has mental health problems. Bullies her about weight she has gained.
Writing this now it does seem so obvious but I think she just wants someone else's input don't get me wrong she has fought back before but he will always over power her. And it's never around the children..

Bekabeech Tue 19-Jun-18 19:37:23

He's abusive. She should leave ASAP!
And the hitting is very very pre-meditated.

iklboo Tue 19-Jun-18 19:40:36

Massively abusive and controlling. If you can help her get out please try.

imnotadragon Tue 19-Jun-18 19:40:45

She also doesn't have mental health issues anxiety yes. But that's about it he was saying it so much to her she broke down to the GP who did a little assessment with her and she scored quite low on the anxiety and depression. And said other than that their is nothing wrong with her. I think him saying that is mental abuse as he knows it terrifys her to think of being mental.

imnotadragon Tue 19-Jun-18 19:41:31

Thanks guys I will do she won't go into a refuge and the house is in her name I know she has tried to get him to leave before but he came back in univited and never left again.

MrsMozart Tue 19-Jun-18 19:46:31

Bloody hell.

She needs to get out.

Maelstrop Tue 19-Jun-18 19:46:59

If the house is in her name, she can change the locks and ask the police to remove him. Why is she allowing him back in?

MrsMozart Tue 19-Jun-18 19:52:32

As in 'get out of the relationship'. It's neither a normal or desirable one.

imnotadragon Tue 19-Jun-18 20:00:20

She won't phone the police as she's scared they will refer to social services.

imnotadragon Tue 19-Jun-18 20:07:37

The title was meant to say "controlling or concerned" by the way. blush

category12 Tue 19-Jun-18 20:12:14

The social services won't take away her dc or anything. More likely to if she stays with him.

Gruffalina72 Tue 19-Jun-18 20:23:37

Has she spoken to Women's Aid to talk through her fears and get advice on what will and won't happen.

Has he told her social services will take the children away if she tells anyone what he does to her? Or if she called the police. Just wondering, because that's a very specific fear for her to have, and conveniently benefits the man abusing her for her to believe that.

If she's proactive in asking for help, taking up offers of support, and removing him from the house and their lives then nobody would have any reason to intervene other than to provide support. They are more likely to get involved if she doesn't get him to leave and doesn't call the police when she needs them.

If she calls the police to get him to leave, everybody will bend over backwards to support her in protecting them all (including herself).

Your friend might find the Freedom Programme helpful to get some clarity and understand what's been going on. (Freedomprogramme.co.uk) If she does the course, it's 12 weeks, 2 hrs per week, in a small group. There is no standing up in front of everyone to share your life story! She can just sit and listen.

I was petrified about going when it was me, but it was such a supportive environment I started looking forward to it, and missed it afterwards.

Oh, and I didn't get around to answering your original question, because this is textbook abuse. Nothing described in the OP is anything other than abuse. It sure as hell ain't concern.

I hope your friend is able to get him out of her life so she can start building the happy future she deserves - and will find once he's gone.

Altwoo Tue 19-Jun-18 20:26:05

Oh my god, you have to help her. She needs to be so far from him. This is horrendous, horrendous abuse. Don’t stop until she’s safe.

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