Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Help, my beautiful family is being ripped apart(63 Posts)
After 8 year of marriage and raising our two young wonderful kids my trust has been shattered and I feel very lost.
It started a few months ago after my wife who used to take an interest in what I did, kept in contact when I was away with work etc became distant and no longer had any opinions on what I did/say. She stopped chatting to me about her day and started to miss/ignore my calls/msgs.
It turns out she has been seeing someone else for the last few months. She started texting, then meeting up, going to gym together etc. I became aware of this when one morning she had left her phone in the kitchen and it flashed up with a saucy message from him as I was there. She was in bed still but I went up and confronted her, she immediately deleted the messages and everything on his name that I saw on the text. After a heated discussion she said it was just someone from the gym and it was nothing more than just someone to talk too. After this I was completely shocked, it was out of the blue for me. Also I didn’t believe her. However, she was really sorry, said nothing had happened and would never contact him again. She stated it made her realise how much she loves me and also she realised now how much I loved her, as I was so upset. All the right words were said. We got over it and moved on, I was very hurt but wanted us to be good again and to look after the kids.
However it turns out this was all lies from her. She still was messaging him and meeting up with him. Over the next few weeks she was meeting him in London and staying overnight (unknown to me, she says it was with another girlfriend but does admit meeting him there). She picked him up from the airport after his work trip and spent the afternoon with him. It turns out he is a married father of another child in the same class as one of our kids and they actually met at one of the class birthday parties. This all came out when she lied to her dad to babysit so she could go out and meet him and was caught out. She then said it wasn’t working between us and she wanted to separate. She started seeing a solicitor about this. She continued saying complete lies to me to try and hide her tracks.
But after her family became involved and we had some very heated discussions, she is now suddenly all repentant again, really sorry again, really loves me again. She still insists nothing happened but just someone to talk with. I know that can’t be the case, in all our years she never used any contraceptive but funny enough had a coil fitted a month ago, she told me at the time and gullible me believed it was for us (that is now gut wrenching for me).
In all this time, she was still saying nice things to me but in hindsight I feel she was just stringing me along. We had a lot going on in the last few years with serious family medical issues, a house renovation and a dispute with a neighbour. She says I didn’t help her when she was in the dark hole arising from all this and was pleading for help. I was focused on work/house and kids and readily admit I didn’t give her enough time and attention. I never stopped telling her I loved her but I blame myself on not picking up the signs of her distress with all the external issues we had going on.
We are still living together in the same house, she says she wants to move on with us and not talk about the past anymore. I want to, I love her so much, we have the most amazing kids, but my trust is shattered and suspect her lies and sudden switch from wanting separation to trying to make it work again is not genuine and its going to get worse again. I have told her I will make sure I give her time and attention going fwd, listen and act on her concerns. Now two weeks later she still seems to be trying to make it work with me but I just don't know. She has changed all her passwords and still on her phone at night. I want to say give me your phone to see what's going on but know that will cause hell. He is so close to home by being another class parent and so how can it ever stop! Can she really come back from this? I still don't know if I can. What are you thoughts? Thankyou so much as I don't have many people to talk to.
Counselling. Extensive relationship counselling. ASAP. I think it’s your only hope of getting this sorted. Does the other mans wife know? If not, you should let her know what he’s been up to
I'm so so sorry to read that this has happened to you OP .... it's all very easy for her to want to 'put it all behind her' and forget about betraying you and the family in the most awful painful way.. you will need time honesty and most of all transparency ...
you cannot move on whilst you still feel blind in the relationship
What exactly do you want from her ? She clearly isn't that much in love with you and she's taking you for a mug. You need to cut your losses and just be there for your kids.
Sounds like she wants to sweep it under the carpet and carry on tbh. This is not the behaviour of someone who's genuinely sorry and wanting to reassure you. I found "not just friends" by Shirley Glass really helpful - both partners should read it. However, from her actions so far I'd say don't hold out much hope tbh because you can't make things work on your own and she's not even trying.
All hell would break loose if you asked for transparency with her phone? Nah, she's lost the privilege of throwing a tantrum, when she had an affair.
You know she's had a full on sexual affair right?
Have you been tested?
I'm so very sorry, but it's time to find your anger, she's been lying to you and betraying you for months.
If she really wants to make this better, she should be bending over backwards.
And yeah, I'd tell the other man's wife too.
Oh dear! I was just like this a while ago. And I carried on seeing OM but he wasn't married. She's probably still seeing him and is infatuated. I carried on for two years and lied to my DH but we were separated by then.
I would leave her. She is treating you with contempt and just telling you what you want to hear whilst still being in love with OM but is petrified of being on her own. So she wants her cake and eat it.
Do you think you will be able to forgive her if she eventually stops?
My h hated me and I don't blame him.
Look up limerence, maybe that's whats she got. I did. Its so bloody childish.
She doesn't seem to care what she is going to lose. Respect from her kids being one.
You need to take control. I mean she has changed her passwords FFS. you cant be any clearer than that.
Thanks for the replies, I didn't mention but with all the external issues we did do around 8 sessions counselling but we both look back and agree it did us more harm than good. We went through the right channels but maybe didn't get a good person.
Gemini69, you are so right I can't bring myself to move on at this stage. Desperate for honesty and transparency but feel won't get it. She has been raising every issue we have had in all the years of our marriage as maybe some sort of defence. She has really said sorry and cried herself to sleep but on the other hand, I cant ask her about the phone for example. I don't want to hound her but desperate for some assurance....
Maybe suggest to her that if she doesn't want to be a family any more, she should consider moving out and setting up with the OM, as obviously she can't expect to carry on like this. It's not fair on you or on the OM's wife.
On her phone late at night? texting him or talking to her friends about him I would say. She doesn't seem to give a shit does she?
The other wife doesn't know, should I tell her? They have children too and I don't wish this pain on anyone.
Shes lied and cheated and turns on the sob story now that she's realised she fucked up. She's playing it so that if she appears to be giving it a go and you say no you'll seem like the bad one who broke the family apart.
Say enough is enough and kick her out. She's just taking the piss and is definitely still in contact, probably in person too. Time to grow some self respect and DTB.
All this business about "nothing really happened between us" is the aged old classic, and I'm sorry to say that playing tiddlywinks probably wasn't on their agenda.
I'm ashamed to say that I've been on both sides of the fence (and now divorced) and know how the affair game works. When suddenly the person is "outed", they panic and suggest they want to make things work in their marriage. Why? Because having their cake and eating it was absolutely marvellous but losing the life they had for a long time is too precious to give up on. She probably does/did still love you, but eating the forbidden apple and suddenly feeling young, sexy and wanted again is often too tempting for many people who are leading a pedestrian marriage and love life.
I do know of people who have had affairs, got caught and gone hell for leather in trying to make their marriage work..... being trackable, showing the spouse their phones, getting rid of the lover 100%, but there are those who just can't give up the addiction for whatever reason.
It's the most painful experience. I know. However.. Karma is a great thing and in my case, my ex is now in a seedy rented flat with a bar girl who is 20 years younger than him and changing nappies again after 21 years !! He's the most miserable 50 year old!!
Good luck. I feel your pain x
The advice should be the same than usual.
You need to have, atbte very least, complete transparency. There is no way you can trust her if that transparency isn’t there.
I wouod also ask for her to cut ties completely, which means not seeing him. Incl not seeing ‘just By chance’ at school, at birthday parties etc...
She is the one you needs to do the work and she is also the one who needs to take responsibility for what has happened.
If the only thing she does is to get defensive, refuse transparency cy, refuse to take some responsibility into what has happened, then I’m afraid it’s a lost battle already
Ltb, you have tried counselling to no avail and it is clear you cannot trust her. See a solicitor and consider separation in the best interests of the children. Good luck, op.
Yes you should definitely tell the poor woman. How awful.
Yes of course tell the wife. She has the right to make an informed decision about whether to stay in that marriage, and she may wish to have a sexual health check (same for you, if you haven't done this yet).
Sounds to me that she's upset and crying because she has been found out, not because she has made a massive mistake, realises she loves you and wants to make amends. I would have thought she should be begging for forgiveness not still secretive texting late at night. Although you still love her, you have to take control, tell her she's got to be completely honest and open even with her phone. If she complains it's because she has something to hide, she has lied before what has changed?
This is really helping, thankyou.
Emotionally she’s moved onto another man. I think the deceit and the sustained nature of the affair tell you her heart isn’t really in the marriage. Tell the poor wife at the very least. She has a right to know that her husband has been putting his bits elsewhere. It’s all very revolting really. Are you absolutely sure you still want her now another bloke has had his hands all over her? You deserve better out of life don’t you think?
You sound like a lovely man and you deserve better, move on and find someone else
I too think the other party should know. It will help bring everything out and that will help moving forward with this. I can't see how she can suddenly have a change of heart like that. Pissed off she got caught more like and suspect your problem is yet bigger than you think it is OP.
Well look. She cheated on you and lied about it. You know that and you k ow that you can't trust her to stop/not do it again with someone else. You can go along with it knowing that she is going to do this again most likely if she has even stopped in the first place. Or you can see if she is interested in an open marriage if that is something you could live with. Or you could divorce her if you feel like you need a clean break (but how would this look for your family? Will she take the children? Will you jhave to sell your house? Will the children have to move school?). This is never going to end well. You have to ask yourself what you can live with.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.