Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
What should I do next?(34 Posts)
I met a guy on a dating app last summer. We didn’t actually meet up in person until December but spoke regularly. By the first two weeks of January we were official. I met his family and we saw each other regularly. He is very hot headed and his family said I was really good for him. He made me feel extremely special, showered me with affection we spoke about a future. He opened up to me about things that had happened in his past and whilst we were getting to know one another properly, things that on there own, might put a girl off. He confessed early February that a situation from his past has reared its head and was likely to cause a problem and felt that the right thing to do was tell me all. I won’t go in to detail but it was bad enough for me to walk away shocked and upset. After not much consideration, I decided that I wanted things to work out between us and stuck by him. To say that the following two months were stressful would be an understatement and he ended up in therapy. Throughout the situation he thanked me for being his rock, being amazing and understanding. We got through the situation although at times his stress levels were through the roof. Affected him at work, his health etc. Alongside this, pressure and uncertainty mounted at work (he has a high pressured job).
One day, after giving me the silent for treatment for two weeks, due to the high levels of stress, he asked to meet me and said that he had been offered a contract abroad and was going to get away from everything going on. I was devastated that he wasn’t going to try with our relationship despite telling me that he had thought I was the one.
We had a holiday booked for the following week and asked if he’d like to go as friends. He agreed and we went. We had a good time and had a chat on the last day. He said he was in a better place and would like to see where things went when we returned.
For three more weeks after our return, we dated and things quickly slipped back to him being affectionate and loving, he even thanked me for not allowing him to throw away what we had mentioned starting a family and then bang. One week later.....The old situation reared it’s head again and coupled with the drawing closer of his current contract he withdrew. He started being blunt with me so one night i said I’d give him some space. He didn’t reply....
My crippling anxiety caused by a) the way I was treated by a previous boyfriend and b) having feelings that history was repeating itself I started to panic and sent him a message the following evening asking if we were ok and my fears that he was going back to his old ways. His response was not great he went on about how stressed he was and that I wasn’t sticking by my word to give him space.
The following day I apologised and asked to meet him to discuss things face to face. He said he had nothing to add and in response to my question ‘so that’s that then?’ he replied ‘looks like it doesn’t it - out of nowhere’. I replied saying I didn’t want that also that I’d never felt it the right time to tell him about my anxieties and why I can sometimes worry unnecessary. He didn’t reply.
He took down his whatsapp display pic as in via the privacy settings so that no one can see his pic or status and proceeded all weekend to spy on my Snapchat posts and then post strange cryptic messages on snapchat about - sorting out his future, another about having a clear out of contacts on snapchat. I didn’t contact him and now today he’s put another about changing his number. I’ve held firm but I don’t understand why if I’m the problem, he doesn’t just reply to my last message saying he couldn’t care less, block me and get on with his life. Why does he keep posting dramatic things?. Have I pushed him away by opening up to him? I know I should walk away but I fell in love with him so deeply because despite the picture I may have painted, we do have a lot of fun. We laugh non stop when we’re together.
Should I just wait to see if he contacts me, does it sound like he’s just too stressed, trying to get my attention because he’s used to me trying to contact him or should I just walk away because he doesn’t care about me.
Get rid of him op. He's not worth fighting for. Seriously he will never ever make you happy.
Lets get this straight. So 6 months ago you start dating a guy it gets intense very quickly. (Lovebombing)
Roughly 8 weeks into the relationship you find out how bad his issues are and choose to let him use you as a crutch to prop him up, everything is about him.(Egotist).
4/5 months in he dumps you and tells you hes leaving the country but you continue to chase him and talk to him about starting a family (hes already told you it over at this point, realised that you dont see it and goes no contact).
Rather than accepting it you continue to chase him and tell him you dont want to end things despite him hinting at it and then making it explicit you continue to contact him and blame yourself. But he ignores you. (because at this point hes dumped you 3 times and you are still not accepting it).
You read his snapchat messages where he says hes changing his number and reiterates that hes leaving the country(code for stop trying to contact me)
You are wondering if hes going yo get in touch?
Answer: to be blunt, only if he wants fwb interaction because he knows you are an easy mark. Otherwise no he wont because hes just not that into you in a serious way. He sounds like a practised user. Move on.
The "old situation" is something really bad, isn't it, that you're not telling us about because we'd instantly tell you to drop him, right?
You're wasting your time and energy on this man. Let him go.
No you shouldn't contact him. He doesn't want you. And even if he did he's not worth your time. He's stonewalled you, been emotionally unavailable, used you for sec and he's got a very dodgy past. Why would you want to be with him?
This "past situation" alone should be telling you all you need to know.
He's not "the one".no way is it this hard with "the one"
I get youre hurt its, horrible to be mucked around but in all honesty this is not a fairy tale love story. There is no happy ending here.
You dont love him deeply, youre infatuated and addicted to the push me pull me game. To be fair 5 months in you hardly know this guy and what you do know is so bad you cant discuss it.
Ill let you into something, its not a great big secret, but something ive learned over the years. If you dont show yourself respect no one else will. If you dont value your self worth no one else will. Why, 3 months in, would you allow yourself to be treated so poorly by someone who, lets face it, you hardly know.
Demand the respect, love and attention you deserve and if you dont get it move on....swiftly.
He may be a tosser, he may be a manipulative player who preys on vulnerable people or he may just be in a bad place. In anycase he isnt emotionally available to you and will never be able to share a happy, normal and healthy relationship with you. Why wait around in the hopes he will.
It sounds to me like you may be someone who feels the need to save someone. You want to be the one to change him and finally make him happy if he would just let you help.
He doesnt want your help, some people cant be saved and have no intention of saving themselves.
The best thing you can do is to shut it down once and for all. Accept this is never going to happen and realise you deserve better. Stop caring about his sm posts, block him on everything and start trying to save from yourself from the toxic non relationships you find yourself in. I would suggest some therapy to explore why you are adament on picking the wrong men and how you can deal with making yourself happy, so that you dont nedd to find validation in men who treat you with disrespect.
After he told me he was leaving the country, I didn’t chase him. I suggested we go on the expensive holiday we had both paid for. He hadn’t actually told me it was over, he met with me to tell me he was basically running away. He told me he hadn’t taken me there to break up with me. I was the only that said well it’s fairly obvious that, that’s how it’s going isn’t it.
On our return from holiday it was him that suggested we start from scratch and it was him that on threee different occasions mentioned children. Starting the conversation one day with I had a dream you were pregnant and was so happy. He mentioned children twice more after.
He hadn’t dumped me a second or third time he was quiet and I chased for reassurance - he bit my head off for not giving him space.
Can I just add - the Snapchat’s have been over the last three days. I haven’t contacted him once during that time.
‘The situation’ - is bad yes and it was a situation he caused however what followed was not his fault and the police etc are now involved.
Thank you ALittleBitConfused1 your post makes a lot of sense. I definitely have tried to save him
Move on dear this man is no good for your anxiety or confidence. Far better fish in the sea. Delete him from your phone and block his number, you do not need to stalk him via social media or your phone.
Not his fault according to him I imagine.
And asking him to come on holiday was patently chasing him.
Nope he hadnt actuLly told you but he had shown you through his behaviours each time.
Many men are essentially cowards they act out or go quiet hoping the woman will do the dirty work for them and end it so they can walk off feeling good about themselves because they where the one hard done by.
The fact that he didnt correct your fairly obvious comment is likely the closest you will get to a we are done statement from men of this type.
it would seem that I’ve been fooled....
It just pisses me off that he could’ve returned from holiday and we go out seperate ways. He was the the one that suggested we start from scratch. Thanked me for not letting him throw us away and actually apologised for acting like an idiot!!
I won’t be contacting him again.....
He’s also said to me in the past that ‘silence hurts the most, I’m pretty good at it’
...... im actually and idiot aren’t I lol
You're not the problem. You barely know him yet you already know of several problems he has, some serious.
You really do not want to have children with a man who can give you the silent treatment for two weeks then accept a contract abroad without discussing it with you. That's not love. Stress or no stress, he's very selfish.
He didn’t accept the contract abroad in the end. You are all right though. The writings on the wall. I do feel like I’ve pushed him though. With my insecurities. I suppose I was looking for some reassurance that I hadn’t done anything that anyone else would’ve done but I suppose I have, perhaps I’ve just put up with to much of his shit x
You're still blaming yourself. I don't think being so hard on yourself is helpful. He sounds like a total knob and you can do and deserve better!
It's him, not you. He's an idiot. Please don't chase/look at his social media. He will never be who you want him to be. You will only be stressed and more anxious. Think about the serious thing in his past: do you really want to be with someone who does that, whatever it is?
He’s trying to mess with your head - don’t let him. If he contacts you. Don’t reply
I can’t help but blame myself. If I hadn’t of messaged for reassurance we’d probably be ok..... well for the time being. I’ve been needy. The situation wasn’t something horrible he done. It was a situation that he put himself in and it got out of hand. He too is anxiety sufferer and it kept popping up. If the police weren’t involved. I’d explain x
I don’t think he will be in contact. I just have to grieve x
Fuck all that!
You shouldn't be blaming yourself
He's not worth spending anymore head space or time on
I know he isn’t and I suppose having others tell me as much does help. I’ve spent all weekend beating myself up for being so demanding of him when he’s so very stressed out. I haven’t really given myself any slack despite all that I’ve done for him. He doesn’t love me if he did, he’d have been more understanding. Would’ve wanted to support me in the same way I have. I keep making excuses for his poor behaviour because I continue to blame myself. It’s pathetic. I’m also getting on and worry that I’m going to never end up married with babies. This is all just crashing down around me - I need to get a grip and I am trying x
Draw a line under it
It’s over, he’s an arse, your better off without him
Stop thinking about it
Delete him and block him on all social media. Delete his number. Change your own number.
He would only cause constant drama - you’ve had a lucky escape but let this be the end of it now
Oh op a breakup is hard. Even if you know it's for the best. Be kind to yourself, physically and mentally and time will be the healer that it always is.
Join the discussion
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.