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I am aged 34. She is aged 21.

(351 Posts)
Biweeklyshave Mon 18-Jun-18 17:39:52

As the title suggests..... is this too big a gap. We clicked, I didn't realise she was so young until it came up in conversation. My male friends have been calling me a creep and although done in jest I feel there is a slight undertone with them.

Back ground I am separated with 2 young boys (7 & 9). Relationship with them and their mum is positive. Obviously at this stage I wouldn't think of introducing her to my boys or their mum but I'm thinking of my friends have an issue with gap then it's likely others will too.

veggifriedbreakfast Mon 18-Jun-18 17:45:18

I don't know. I've had a bad experience he was 34 and me 19, so I definitely say no. I don't see why you would want to anyway, she still has a lot of growing up to do and you're halfway through. What will happen when she wants children? Will you be supportive. How will you support her or will you take on a "daddy" role. It's a no from me

MrsGrindah Mon 18-Jun-18 17:47:14

It’s nobody else’s business! A thirteen year age gap is nothing really. She’s been an adult for three years! It’s important though that you don’t see her as a “ young girl” but a woman who has equal footing in this relationship. As long as you do, then your age is irrelevant.Until it comes to pop music rounds in pub quizzes....( I speak from experience!)

MrsGrindah Mon 18-Jun-18 17:48:25

She still has a lot of growing up to do at 21?! Come off it! You can’t possibly say that unless you know her

Spanglyprincess1 Mon 18-Jun-18 17:49:08

My mom was 18 when she met my dad who was 28. They have now been married 40years plus and had four kids. Only you know if its right for you, dosnt matter what others may or may not think tbh as you both adults.

Disquieted1 Mon 18-Jun-18 17:49:34

How would you feel if your 21 year old son dated a 34 yo woman with two kids?

KirstenRaymonde Mon 18-Jun-18 17:49:57

The difference in maturity levels between 21 year olds will vary massively, so it depends on the women herself, but I don’t think this is an unworkable age gap

Mogleflop Mon 18-Jun-18 17:51:10

It's that rule isn't it? Half your age plus seven = limits of where it gets creepy.

Mrsharrison Mon 18-Jun-18 17:51:57

If you didn't have kids I'd say go for it.
But I don't think it's fair on her to one day take on young children.
A young woman should be able to enjoy having her partner all to herself for a certain time before kids are part of an equation.
Would she be mature enough to accept your parenting responsibilities?
Maybe you need to have a good think about what kind of woman id going to fit in with your lifestyle.

Greenkit Mon 18-Jun-18 17:52:57

My daughter is 22 in a month, her bf has just had his 40th birthday. You can't choose who you fall in love with.

AnnieAnoniMouser Mon 18-Jun-18 17:54:41

I think at 21, it’s too big an age gap. If you were both 10 years older then not so much. Then it’s quite a big gap again at 59 & 72.

It’s not that I think it’s creepy, but you have a lot of life experience she doesn’t yet have and it creates a power imbalance and does really change how she lives her 20’s. I think it’s unfair on her in a way she won’t appreciate yet and that you should be the one to walk away.

Baubletrouble43 Mon 18-Jun-18 17:54:45

I hear what people say about age gaps in general and I get it. But on the other hand... a good friend of mines parents had a very long ( 30 plus year) marriage which ended when she passed away sadly and suddenly. They met when she was 19 and he was 40 and a single dad of four. My friend is their only child together. They were incredibly happy and ignored the naysayers and had a very good marriage. It can happen.

SuperSuperSuper Mon 18-Jun-18 17:56:04

She's 21, not a teen. It's not at all creepy.

She may tire of being with someone with two children, but I'd say that if you were 21 as well.

Baubletrouble43 Mon 18-Jun-18 17:56:44

Just to add, my friends mum was incredibly maternal even at 19 ( later on they fostered babies) and taking on the children didn't phase her one bit. Think this is crucial.

YouCantBeSadHoldingACupcake Mon 18-Jun-18 17:57:37

Dh is 16 years older than me. We started seeing each other when I was 19, and still going strong 12 years later

happymummy12345 Mon 18-Jun-18 17:57:45

If you're happy then it's no one else's business. There's 9 years between my husband and I. When we first met I'd not long turned 21, he was 29, due to turn 30 later that year. We've been together 4 years, married for 3, and have a child together who will be 3 this year. We couldn't be happier.

SandyY2K Mon 18-Jun-18 17:58:33

It's about different stages of life for me and I wouldn't want my 21 year old with a 34 year old who had 2 kids.

She doesn't need the hassle of being a stepmum and at that young age could have her pick of men.

It's nothing against having kids...but relationships ate changing enough without that.

AnyFucker Mon 18-Jun-18 17:59:39

It's not so much the age gap, it's the different life stages.

You are a father with all the responsibilities that brings. If you were my mate I would be raising an eyebrow and placing you in the "cock who wants to relive his youth again" category, tbh

One of our married with kids friends left his wife and took up with someone 15 years younger and fancy free. He was generally a bit of a dick anyway, and the rest of the friendship group drifted away from him and his "love's young dream" bullshit.

SheepyFun Mon 18-Jun-18 18:00:29

My grandparents had an 11 year gap. She was 21 when she married. They had 60 very happy years together.

However, it was his first marriage (as far as I know); there definitely weren't other children on the scene. She's only 12 years older than one of your sons, too young to be his mother. I could imagine that causing more issues than the age gap between you and her.

Tangled59 Mon 18-Jun-18 18:00:47

Its no problem really but its a little sad how common it is this way round, and not the other way. Kinda makes you think.

Loopytiles Mon 18-Jun-18 18:02:22

Creepy.

letsallhaveanap Mon 18-Jun-18 18:02:58

theres 16 years between me and my husband and we met when I was in my early twenties. (31 now)
He didnt have any of his own children however but did have a step son (not by marriage just the child of his previous partner with another man that he helped raise for 13 years) he has maintained a relationship with.

I dont think its creepy at all! But take it slowly and see how it goes. It may be that your life experiences and the things you want out of a relationship end up being too different for it to last.... but then again it may not!!

Tangled59 Mon 18-Jun-18 18:04:45

@letsallhaveanap
So say you were 20 and he was 36.

Its not creepy but do you think he'd have been interested if you were 52?

WildBill1 Mon 18-Jun-18 18:05:05

She's 21 - she should be having the time of her life, travelling the world, kissing lots of men, trying out life to find what suits her.You are at a differant stage and if you cared about her would walk away. I agree with the others who say its creepy - it is.

SchnitzelVonKrumm Mon 18-Jun-18 18:06:51

Creepy.

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