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Relationships

Advice on a safety net/back-up plan

20 replies

Mammiemaw · 18/06/2018 13:21

Married 10 years. Mostly ups but the downs are rock bottom. I have name changed several times asking advice on here, but knowing exactly what I should do(leave) then not take the advice or go back within a day. So recently D H had a binge, drinking all day at home then we going to pub. He came home covered in his own piss in the early hour waking up me and DD. Pissed the couch, and woke up and started looking for more drink. I lost it and decided it was over. At first he was horrible, implying that I would be hopeless homeless and carless on my own and refusing to change his exact words were "I ain't changing for no cunt". Then he realised what a prick he was being and promised to give up drinking so much and do more together as a family. When he is good he is great a great dad, affectionate supportive etc. He works very hard (which was always his excuse for drinking so much). So far he has been true to his word BUT I have been here before and realise it may not last. I love him very much and hope with all my heart we can make it work. So my question is what can I do to make sure if it happens again me and DC are in the best position we can be? I have put in an application for housing for me and DC detailing our situation. Any advice on what else I should do?
Thanks if you stuck that out to the end.

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NeedHoliday101 · 18/06/2018 13:44

Save money!

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louisiana30 · 18/06/2018 13:56

Start saving.
Get all your paperwork organised and somewhere safe in case it doesn’t work out.

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NeedHoliday101 · 18/06/2018 14:21

What paperwork?

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Loopytiles · 18/06/2018 14:27

Decide that you will, properly, leave and minimise contact.

WoH, if you don’t already.

Attend Al Anon.

Do the Freedom Programme.

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Mammiemaw · 18/06/2018 15:53

Thank you everyone for the practical advice. I feel so cynical even thinking about this. Have been advised re: Al Anon before, are they actually helpful? I have a friend who goes to Cocaine Anonymous meetings at but then tells everyone who goes and what's said. I feel I can share on here because nobody knows me. IRL I very much keep things private,I think I would struggle to get past that. I don't like making dramas or worrying people do don't like to confide in my DPs or DSis

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Mammiemaw · 18/06/2018 15:54

Sorry Loopy (don't know how to tag) what is WoH?

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Loopytiles · 18/06/2018 16:21

Working out of the home - a job.

Not telling people about the drinking is often part of enabling / codependency.

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hellsbellsmelons · 18/06/2018 16:28

Yes Al-anon will be a real life saver for you.
How has quit?
Is he attending AA or anything similar?
If not then he WILL fail.
Get saving.
Get all important paperwork somewhere safe.
Passports, marriage cert, account info, savings info, his pension info, his wage slips, any asset info, mortgage info, birth certificates...
Get away - this won't change and you know it.
You give him chance after chance, so why would he change?
No reason to at all!

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Mammiemaw · 18/06/2018 20:54

I have looked up local Al Anon meetings. There are surprisingly loads in this small town and surrounding areas. He is working away this week so will use it to sort paperwork- did not even think of birth certs etc. He is not seeking help because he doesn't think he has a problem but "cutting down" for the sake of me and our DC. I have a part time job and was recently offered a promotion but turned it down as it had lots of responsibility and I felt it was too much for me. I do have the option of extra hours but have to juggle childcare . I want to believe he can do it and put us first.

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Loopytiles · 18/06/2018 21:06

So he is still drinking.

All the evidence suggests, sadly, that he will NOT do it. He hasn’t yet done so, is not seeking help, and you haven’t left, so he can carry on as normal. So you need to protect your DC.

Suggest seeing if that promotion opportunity might come up again, and taking the extra hours. Sorting childcare is a pain, but the money and progression will come in useful when you are single.

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Mammiemaw · 19/06/2018 09:40

Oh God I know. I come on here and read other threads and hope these other women find the strength to do what I should do and leave. It's not enough that I can't imagine not being with him, I know that's not a reason to stay and put myself and DC through this. But I am willing him to succeed despite it all. Our eldest notices things now, but worships the ground DH walks on.
I think I will go to a meeting, and try the Freedom Programme. When you say save money, should I open my own bank account? Or just keep a "wee stash" in a safe place ( my Dad always told me to do this, I think he sees things for how they are). I feel like such a fraud cheering him on, then coming on here to ask how to set up an exit plan!!!!

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/06/2018 09:45

" I want to believe he can do it and put us first".

Ah the old hope springs eternal. You will be disappointed again.

I know you want to believe that and that is probably one of the many reasons why you have stayed with him. But it won't last and like all the times before nothing here has really changed. You are still on the merry go around that is alcoholism and for your own reasons have still not decided to leave. You are still also very much playing out the roles associated with spouses of alcoholics.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/06/2018 09:51

Your own recovery from all this will only properly start when you leave your alcoholic husband.

The only person who can help him here is him; not you, most certainly not you and I do not mean any disrespect at all in writing that. You cannot help him because he does not want your help, cheerleading him on or support.

You are also way too close to this to be of any real use to him and sadly as well now your children are becoming far more aware (they have already seen and heard far more than either of you care to realise) of their dad's alcoholism. Its no life lessons for them to learn either, is this really what you want to teach them about relationships?.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. Did you yourself see a heavily drinking parent as a child?. Who taught you to be codependent in relationships?. I mention codependency as well because this state and alcoholism can and do go hand in hand.

Do attend an Al-anon meeting and enrol yourself also onto the Freedom Programme.

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Loopytiles · 19/06/2018 10:05

Yes, set up an account in your sole name, and siphon off money.

It is very damaging to your DC to be brought up in this dynamic, and “worshipping” dad is an unhealthy part of that.

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Mammiemaw · 19/06/2018 10:17

My childhood was pretty much story book. Mum and dad both avoided drinking around us, and very rarely went out of except special occasion s. I am very much in the same vein. DH however had 2 heavily drinking parents and a pretty dysfunctional time growing up. He is now NC with his parents. I think this very much normalised his drinking habits in his mind. His best friend also is incontinent when drunk so they both think it's funny.
Even typing this I know what I should do. Typing things down has given me a bit of mental clarity.

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Butterflyrosebud · 19/06/2018 10:26

“I ain't changing for no cunt".

If my husband spoke to me like this it would be over straight away.

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Mammiemaw · 19/06/2018 13:07

I know Butterfly, but when I told him not to call me a cunt he said I was twisting his words as he meant in general.
I have lost my temper in the past and called him names, but not in front of DC.
I have a practical question, there are no Freedom Programme courses near me, so plan on doing the online course, but is costs. Has anyone paid for this online, how does it show up on your back statement? DH checks accounts constantly.

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Quartz2208 · 19/06/2018 13:20

WHose name is the house in, accounts etc and are you married.

You dont have to be the one who leaves?

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Mammiemaw · 19/06/2018 13:38

Married, joint accounts, joint mortgage.

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Loopytiles · 19/06/2018 15:20

Set up your own personal account.

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