to expand a family or not to ! That is not just a question

[bamboolzled]

Married, two DH, both in nusery. Starting to see the light at the tunnel with free childcare kicking in at the end of this year for no. 2

Am I being an arsehole when I don’t want a 3rd child. I wasn’t that keen on a second but I relented. Wife is pinning for a daughter, and agreement for when we had the 2nd was it will be what it will be and no more.

I’m adamant I don’t want a third, enough so that I’m thinking of the snip, but do I go behind her back and get this done ?

I’ve tried to raise it before, but an argument goes forth and nothing ever gets said. In front of friends and family its known and said I don’t want a third. Privately, at home, she’s trying everyway to get one but so far I’ve had not relented. Saturday night, being a rare occasion, was out of hand seriously and it was borderline of saying No. and I mean No!

TBH, I’ve struggled with 2nd child, who I love to bits. Both of them are my world. But 2nd child involved new car and moving 30 miles further from family. We have little or no help from family. Financially we almost killed ourselves over moving and then childcare and I’ve relocated my job to be within 15 minutes from home and not an hour plus commute. Endless arguments over why we couldn’t afford things that friends could.

I’m looking upwards to be able to start to do things as a family over the next few years, unrestricted on finances and not worry if I’ll have £2 at the end of the month.

We have friends with three kids, and I’ve seen the strain they are constantly under and that’s with help and jobs that are flexible. One of our jobs isn’t and it tears into personal time.

Thoughts please?

[Shoxfordian]

I think you need a frank conversation with your wife about it but you're not wrong to not want another child. Does she realise the impact on your finances? Does she work?

[TwitterQueen1]

Your reasons are very valid and you are very clear about not wanting a 3rd child. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this at all and tbh anyone else's views (aside from your DW) are irrelevant. If one person wants another child and the other doesn't, the decision should always be 'no'. It would be detrimental and destructive to your marriage, the child, your existing children and to both of you.

Unfortunately the desire for another child is not necessarily logical or reasonable so I suspect you're in for a tough time of it. No, you're not being an arsehole! Ref getting the snip... I don't know. That's between you and your conscience I think. Would it spell the end of your marriage if you did?

[busybarbara]

If it's down to primarily financial and logistical constraints YANBU. This isn't just about sleepless nights. But she is broody and that can be very hard to deal with too. Maybe a pet could work.

[SleepingStandingUp]

So you think get the snip in secret then tell her she can have a third and have her tear herself inside out because she can't conceive??
If you are adamant you want the snip then tell her that's what you will do - your body, your choice. She may or may not decide to stay in the marriage depending on how she feels about a third.

[HotSteppa]

Your well within your rights to want to stop at 2. Keep talking to your wife and tell her your ready to get a vasectomy. Doing it behind her back is a cowardly and immature, but you don't need her consent.

My husband got the snip after 2. I would have liked another (heart said yes head said no kind of deal) youngest now 3 and like you say light at the end of the tunnel. Husband and I were talking at the weekend and I have to admit a baby now would be hard. If he hadn't had the vasectomy I think I would still be thinking should we rather than enjoying where we are now.

[bamboolzled]

thank you people

I'm definately going to find a way to approach this

its just getting a little too much at the minute, her sister has the perfect life, husband and you name it

life isn't a struggle but its not helped by wife's job at all !

thank you

[hellsbellsmelons]

I know 2 people what really wanted a girl.
One has 4 boys and 1 girl the other has 5 boys!!!!
Ohhh... and both are single parents and the 'D'H buggered off!
So what would happen if No. 3 was a boy?
She would be wanting No. 4

Neither of you are wrong here by the way.
You just want different things.
If you want the snip then I think you just tell her you've made your appointment and it's being done because you don't want any chance of another child as the 2 you have are all you need.
As we say to women on here all the time 'Your body, your choice'
But do let her know first.

She actually may want to end the relationship.
What then for you?
How would you feel about that?

[SleepingStandingUp]

So full time nursery or free hours nursery? You say wife's job isn't helping but what hours does she actually not have the kids compared to what does she work?

[Butterflyrosebud]

It’s your choice if you don’t want another child.

Tell her you are getting the snip ( don’t go behind her back!) and she will have to deal with it.

I do know a few people who were in your situation. The wife ‘accidently’ got pregnant with number 3..