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still struggling - emotional affair

(64 Posts)
Pelagia21 Mon 18-Jun-18 00:47:56

Don't know what to say. Some of you told me to leave and I'm still here with him. Trying counselling but not going too well. Just read yet another thread about an emotional affair and all the fall out and pain and thought "yes... tell me about it... I could have written that."
Went to see a solicitor and had decided to leave but then so difficult. He was so upset and remorseful.
Going to Relate but early days with that.
Meanwhile so difficult and today I feel like packing in.
I said i would try and forgive and move on and I have.. it was ok for a short while but ups and downs and last week has been awful.
He says it's my fault as I won't forgive and keep asking questions .. which, yes I do. On going discussion around this and I can't win. I feel he is trying to control my feelings and reactions and counsellor picked upon this.
To clarify .. the affair with OW is over but.. they work together everyday and he still gets a lift home at least once a week. He said he would stop but no.. now he says stuff like "For heaven's sake.. what does it matter/ I've told you it's over ... back to how it was /... I get tired.. what do you expect me to do?" what good is it doing me mentioning stuff / thought we'd moved on...."
I'm mentally weary and cried most of today as I've tried to keep the family going. His parting shots before he went to bed really hurt me.
I give up.I feel like the bad guy .. again.

Pelagia21 Mon 18-Jun-18 00:52:52

and should say that they kissed so actually more than an emotional affair but he disputes this .. he says he crossed a line...

frustratedashell Mon 18-Jun-18 01:22:23

At the very least he should stop getting lifts with her! He should look for another job too. But really I think you should end this relationship. Hes not exactly falling over himself to make amends is he?

AsleepAllDay Mon 18-Jun-18 01:40:35

You're not the bad guy! He's offloading his guilt on to you to try and make himself feel better. There are lines in relationships and he has crossed it. He doesn't deserve you or your forgiveness OP

StarlightSparkle Mon 18-Jun-18 06:44:57

If he was really upset and remorseful he would stop accepting lifts from her and look for another job. Lots of men go to counselling just to pacify their partner but actions speak louder than words. Their relationship is still ongoing so I would continue with the divorce proceedings.

MaryandMichael Mon 18-Jun-18 07:08:09

'A lift home' often equates with 'opportunity for a shag'.
I mention this not to hurt you but to help you find perspective.
Go back to the solicitor. Divorce the arse off the bastard husband and make sure you get everything to which you might be entitled. Don't forget pension. I forgot that. Check to see if it's relevant nowadays.

While you stay with him, he keeps his worldly goods and possessions intact. He continues to have you begging him to stay and the other woman giving him what he wants.

Time to sort things out to suit you, not him.

Pelagia21 Mon 18-Jun-18 08:08:26

He truly sees nothing wrong with it. Makes me feel guilty. It is definitely over although i think he still likes her and is supressing it. says they are just colleagues again like they used to be. Maybe so but their "situation went on for months". I wish they weren't together at work but not possible to change. It will later in year as she is going on mat leave! Yes her husband has no idea what went on and they are fine. Meanwhile my marriage is a mess. We did have a few better weeks snd he has said sorry but his behaviour recently is like before - cross, frustrated with me and so on. Says "what's the point if youre carrying it on like this.." He is minimizing so much and counsellor noted this. He is inconsistent and just wants it all boxed off. Im still struggling.

certificateofauthenticity Mon 18-Jun-18 08:52:02

When he is able to prove beyond doubt that it is over, and answer your questions, to your satisfaction, then you get to start to trust him again. Until then, it is not over. Any advice I have read says that he has to accept this as a condition. The onus is on him to make the change. Not you. He cannot unilaterally decide when you stop feeling the way you do. He cannot set a time limit. Look after yourself.

yetmorecrap Mon 18-Jun-18 09:30:04

Mine too says stuff like ‘how much longer do I have to wear a hair shirt’ and ‘youve Made your point’ if I do much as mention it (Which is now rare) , to be honest I would have got over it more I think if he had ever brought it up himself to say how sorry he is, but he didn’t

SuperSuperSuper Mon 18-Jun-18 09:49:41

He's not trying hard enough. It's as simple as that.

Emotional affairs are harder to get over than one night stands IMO. He should actively want to sever contact for his own sake as well as yours. OW should be aiming to put distance between herself and him, too, for the sake of her own sanity. The current situation is not healthy, because no one can move forward.

Speak to him. Either he makes big changes or you divorce him.

fedupandnogin Mon 18-Jun-18 09:56:18

I thought my ExH was having an EA. Turns out it was a lot more. Are you sure this is all it was? Don't forget men always tell you the minimum details. Agree with the others who have said he should not be sharing lifts with her and doing whatever he can to keep away from this woman.

Barbaro Mon 18-Jun-18 10:27:24

I would phone her husband and tell him.

Then tell my husband he either quits his job and finds new work or he'll be looking for a new place to live. Maybe he and the pregnant slut can live together instead then.

He either makes amends and stops blaming you or he can fuck off.

Footballmumofthefuture Mon 18-Jun-18 10:46:57

Are you sure it's not his baby and thats why they are still in contact?

I hate to break it to you OP but it is still going on and she has a right cheek still offering lifts. He is a complete twat for accepting them. You will never move forward and this is all his fault!

Tell the husband and file for a divorce!

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname Mon 18-Jun-18 10:50:56

Maternity leave? Oh my days maybe your troubles haven't really started yet op.

swimmerlab Mon 18-Jun-18 11:01:43

Are you sure this wasn't more physical that just a kiss?

I would tell him he immediately stops taking lifts with her (should have voluntarily done this anyway) & if he has a problem with it offer to tell her husband and see if he thinks it's a problem or not.

It doesn't sound as though he is making much effort to make things better for you.

Pelagia21 Mon 18-Jun-18 11:11:54

It honestly isn't his baby. She is seemingly happy and fine whereas we are struggling. This upsets me a lot. But yes the fact they still together and have special friendship and the very fact it all happened in the first place.
In case you didnt see my earlier thread basically - she is 20 years younger than him. He totally infatuated and she flirted enjoyed attention. Texts / photos/ emojis/ compliments then edging further leading to kiss. This is what i know and he continually says only one kiss and then quickly realised stop now that,s it. But all else just gone back to the same. He wont have a word said against her but says full of regret sorry. Ive never spoken to her since (i know her). But it's his attitude that hurts.

Suewallies Mon 18-Jun-18 11:21:08

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Footballmumofthefuture Mon 18-Jun-18 11:34:03

He won't have a bad word said about her? Really? That would boil my piss!

Tell her husband. Stop putting up with this shite! Of course it was only a kiss hmm

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname Mon 18-Jun-18 11:36:29

Maybe her dh has fertility issues and your dh has stepped in like a good friend.....? Would account for her happiness and his misery ...
You are blinkered to not even consider this.

Footballmumofthefuture Mon 18-Jun-18 11:36:40

@Suewallies stop trolling! Reported!

Pinkmonkeybird Mon 18-Jun-18 11:53:42

Pelagia21 I really feel for you having been through something similar albeit in a 'milder' way. It is very similar here with my OH (we are not married) striking up a friendship with a new colleague, 26 year old girl, last year (he is 41). He works in a very female led environment and I'd never had an issue at all with him being friends with women at work over the past 10 years of him working there, but this seemed different and I think I intervened/found out before it escalated into some kind of emotional affair. My OH is absolutely blind to it all and was adamant nothing was going on, but I do think this girl was crushing on him and was crossing the line messaging in the evenings etc. I was going through a bad time mental health wise when this started and it made everything seem ten times worse. My anxiety shot through the roof and subsequently I had to access counselling (which I'm still attending) to work through it all. He asked this girl to stop messaging him and tagging him into things on Facebook and as far as I know it has all stopped, but it did take a few times of telling her until it stopped. I will admit I check his phone from time to time and there is no evidence of her contacting him via any other forms of communication apps (Snapchat/Insta/Whatsapp). Through the counselling I've managed to work through everything and we are trying to rebuild our relationship as it really did rock it. I have mutual friends with this girl and one of them has told me she has form for 'innocently' wrecking relationships. I have her number now as I took it off my OH's phone one evening when I was checking on him, so if anything else springs up, she will be hearing from me directly.

I just want to say that my OH is a very straight down the line person and I do trust him again as it is clear that he has adhered to what I asked of him and kept the friendship within work time only. Some people may think I was silly to go batshit over this, but there were lots of red flags on her part (things she had said to my OH when he was innocently relaying them!).

You often have to go on gut feeling and I know that if my OH had admitted to me that he had kissed her at all, then that would have been it for me. That's a physical affair, not just emotional.

If my OH had crossed that line as yours did and then appeared totally remorseful, wanting to rebuild the relationship, then I would be asking him to cut total contact with this woman. That means lifts to/from work, external contact outside of work and moving departments if he has to.

If he wants to salvage your relationship he should be doing everything he can to earn your trust by demonstrating he is actively cutting ties with her. You say you are going to Relate, is this the both of you as a couple? If you aren't going as a couple, then insist! If he doesn't, then I would resort to some of the other suggestions and contact either her or her husband directly.

Pelagia21 Mon 18-Jun-18 16:35:27

Thanks for all messages and advice. After first joint session with Relate, the counsellor recommended that I go on my own. I have one session and im going again on my own soon. Then begin further joint seedions although he said he's not going anymore - stomp stomp ! as "what's the point?" bla bla. I'm putting so much effort in!

Pelagia21 Mon 18-Jun-18 16:36:39

Apologies for spelling... Should say "joint sessions"

Mammysin Mon 18-Jun-18 16:38:46

He's making no effort! PLease dump him (before he dumps you)

Footballmumofthefuture Mon 18-Jun-18 17:00:00

Please get rid! How did the counsellor take to him still getting lifts?

I bet she told him to stop and I bet that's why he spat his dummy out!

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