Stressing about Christmas already.. AIBU?

[Igglepiggle88]

I have been with my partner for 6 years and we have a 1 year old son.
His parents live abroad so we have spent every Christmas so far at my parents house, which has never really bothered OH.
This may sound childish but I was an only child and very close to my parents, and every single Christmas of my 29 years I have spent with them just the 3 of us and then obviously OH and DS now.
He has invited his parents to stay with us this year over the Christmas period, which is understandable as he hasn’t had one with them in 6 years. His parents are ok, we don’t always see eye to eye but we tolerate each other.
The thing is my parents won’t come to our house for Christmas dinner as they are a bit set in their ways and want to be at home, and his parents won’t go and have Christmas dinner and their house with us all. So I’m in a bit of a hard place. I was thinking of staying Christmas morning and then helping to prepare the dinner but then going to my parents around 1pm and having dinner with them, giving them chance to see DS (they only live 5 miles away) and then coming home later in the evening.
I just feel they will bad mouth me for a) leaving them.. b) taking DS if I take him c) being selfish and leaving DS if I leave him with them.. but it just won’t be Christmas to me without dinner at theirs.
Any advice or opinions either way will be appreciated.

[Dermymc]

Why won't they go to your parents? That's odd. They are staying with you so should do whatever you do.

What does your partner say?

[MrsEricBana]

Why won't dh parents go to your parents' house for the Christmas meal?

[elephantscanring]

Um. Sounds like you're being really unfair.

Your h hasn't seen his parents for Xmas day for 5 years and you're complaining about not seeing your parents, who live 5 miles away, for one Xmas???

I'd stay at home with your h and his parents this Xmas. You, he and your dc are your famil now.

If your parents are so stuck in their ways that they'd rather be at home without you than go to yours and see you, then they are BU.

I think you also have to wonder why Xmas won't be Xmas if you spend it with your h and dc, and without your parents...

[LovingLola]

Equally, why will the op's parents not come to her house?

[Takemebackto2002]

His mother made it clear when we were talking about it not long after DS was born, she said “I would feel awkward having Christmas dinner at your parents, I wouldn’t want them cooking and wouldn’t feel relaxed, I would happily have us all have dinner at your house together but not at theirs”
The thing is OH invited them without asking me cos if he had have done I would have said to sort out dinner arrangements first. I think his mum is expecting me to do the dinner, she looks down on my enough as it is for feeding DS jars occasionally and having the odd frozen meal!

[LovingLola]

I think you also have to wonder why Xmas won't be Xmas if you spend it with your h and dc, and without your parents...

This.
Part of having your own family (ie partner and children) is detaching from your family of origin and doing your own thing!

[Takemebackto2002]

Yes I do understand that and I see exactly what you mean. I think it’s maybe cos I thought I would have had a couple more years until DS was a bit older before we had Christmas just the 3 of us and also it isn’t just the 3 of us it’s his parents that will be there and I never feel comfortable in my own house when they come and stay.
I see everyone’s point though and what you are getting at they are valid points!

[HollowTalk]

How old are your parents, OP? If they're in their 80s I'd say go to their house but I reckon they're in their 50s - you'll have many, many, many more years like this if so.

Your parents and you have to accept that you have your own family home now. It's time for those traditions to change. It really seems as though your parents are cutting their noses off to spite their faces by refusing to come to your house for Christmas Day.

[LovingLola]

What does your husband think? Does he know that you feel uncomfortable when his parents come to stay with you?

[Takemebackto2002]

My parents won’t come to me as they said there is always an argument or ‘balls up’ when they come to us for meals etc which I suppose is true in some respect but I think they use it as an excuse sometimes, they don’t overally get on with OH’s parents particularly well and I suppose they think they shouldn’t have to justify to anyone why they want Christmas at home? I dunno.

[LovingLola]

My parents won’t come to me as they said there is always an argument or ‘balls up’ when they come to us for meals etc

They sound just lovely. Not.
Why on earth do you feel Christmas is not Christmas if you don't go to them for dinner??

[LovingLola]

I suppose they think they shouldn’t have to justify to anyone why they want Christmas at home?

They don't have to justify that to anyone.
And neither should you. You have Christmas in your own home and don't feel you have to justify that either. Even to your parents.

[Takemebackto2002]

Yes he knows how I feel, we went to stay with them recently and I overheard his mum saying I’m selfish and neglect DS so we had an argument but managed to iron things out but I think it’s something I will forgive but not forget if you understand what I mean.
They are in their late 60s. Urgh. I just want us all together or just the 3 of us to be honest.
Maybe it is me and it’s partly down to the fact that our relationship isn’t the most stable at the moment either.

[pallisers]

I think your parents are being unfair in not coming to your house.

If it is at yours then it is at both sets of parents' children's house. grandchild etc - all part of the family.

At your parents home - well his parents are clearly extra invited guests - not part of their immediate family.

I think your parents should accept that you are hosting this year. They would be very ungracious if they don't.

I know it is hard to give up christmas (can't imagine how I will feel when it happens) but they have had a long run at it, including 5 years after you married. Time for your parents to compromise.

but then going to my parents around 1pm and having dinner with them

don't do this. really don't take your child for his xmas dinner with your parents leaving your in laws and husband at home. That is just mean.

I know xmas may not seem the same without dinner at your parents but you know what - life moves on, things change, traditions change, you need to accomodate your husband and his family too. And your parents should be helping you do this.

[Takemebackto2002]

I literally just think it’s because I haven’t had a single Christmas without them before, and I always worry when it’s going to be the last one.
The thing is for some reason I don’t really want to be there with him and his parents, as I say I tolerate but don’t really enjoy their company

[WillowintheUK]

You're being a bit silly about this. You really can't go and leave your guests for several hours in the middle of the day, that's just insulting. Your poor DH hasn't seen his folks on Christmas Day for six years, it's only fair that they get to spend it with him, along with you and your DS.

You can go and visit your folks on Boxing Day.

[Takemebackto2002]

We aren’t married by the way, just been together 5 years not that it’s releveant x

[Monty27]

Omg I feel your pain. I would not as an only child not spend Christmas with my DPS.
I am not an only child just to clarify.
Is there a compromise that you could all go to a restaurant together? Pricey I know.
Dp was bad news for not thinking ahead.
How old are the the DPS and why are they all so stuck in their ways? Where do DPS parents come from, is there a language barrier?

[DelphiniumBlue]

They're all being a bit inflexible, aren't they?
Could your parents come to you before or after dinner? You can't really leave your guests, although you could with OHs agreement all go to your pa rents, if they are offering.
As for cooking, as OH invited his parents, maybe he should cook? It sounds as if you might find taking on the whole dinner yourself a bit stressful, maybe you could tackle it together if neither of you feels up to taking on full responsibility.

[Takemebackto2002]

Thank you pallisers, that was very eloquently put and makes a lot of sense x

[SnuggyBuggy]

I don't see the big deal in not being with parents on Christmas day, its just a day and its not the only day you can share a meal with someone. It won't harm them to spend Christmas just the two of them.

[Takemebackto2002]

No they are just ex pats so no language barrier. I have no idea to be honest but I’ve got my parents not wanting to come to us and his parents not wanting to go to them and I’m just stuck in the middle not knowing what to do.
There is no way I could do the dinner myself, I aren’t even going to lie I haven’t even (successfully) done a Sunday lunch just for the 2 of us before! It’s only June and I’m stressed out so much about this already.

[pallisers]

is there a name change fail here - I am trying to figure out the posts?