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Should I tell him how I feel, or just say goodbye and walk away?

(58 Posts)
falleninlove Sun 17-Jun-18 21:07:07

In summary:

We are both divorced. I have no children. His are all adults plus a couple of grandchildren.

We have been “seeing” each other for 18 months. Things happened very fast in the beginning and then he backed off and wanted to just keep things casual.

He is emotionally unavailable. A total textbook example. And he has admitted that he is.

We are long distance, so meetings are not often but are 24/7 intensive, but when they do happen we do get on wonderfully well.

In between visits we communicate by email, just chatting about life in general – sometime he goes days without replying but eventually reappears. He has never gone AWOL, but we only meet on his terms and when he chooses.

He is the love of my life and because of this, in the beginning, I was prepared to accept what little he was offering and on his terms. This has resulted in a massive erosion of my self esteem – a slow and agonizing process to the point where it has made me depressed.

I now accept that this is completely unhealthy and despite my depth of feelings for him I know I CANNOT allow myself to spend the rest of my life living in limbo like this.

I have geared myself up to walk away on a number of previous occasions but have never taken the plunge and gone through with it. I have now finally got a grip and am determined to force myself to do this, and so I have got myself a new job on another continent, which will start in a couple of months. He does not know yet.

As part of explaining why I am moving so far away, I want to tell him how I feel, including how he has shattered my heart into a thousand pieces and that I hurt so much that I cry for hours on end.

Should I do this? Or do I just drop a casual note just saying I’ve got a new job.I want some closure for myself over the whole thing, but I have no idea how to get this without saying anything to him.

WWYD? All advice welcome. Including well deserved slaps for parking my life for 18 months.

Heatherjayne1972 Sun 17-Jun-18 21:11:32

I’d just leave it and walk away tbh
There’s someone better out there who won’t be emotionally unavailable
You deserve Someone who adores you

LuluBellaBlue Sun 17-Jun-18 21:14:04

Tricky as I want to say, don’t inflate his ego even further by telling him! However if it was me, there would be a part of me wanting to say it, just to give him the opportunity to step up and fight for you?
Although realistically he sounds like the type that wouldn’t do that but might try to do just enough to keep you from leaving

category12 Sun 17-Jun-18 21:21:02

I think he'll be more shocked by you saying "got a new job, ta ra," than by you telling him how you feel. The latter is what he knows already and doesn't really give a stuff about.

Anonymoususer1938 Sun 17-Jun-18 21:26:22

I wouldn’t totally bare my soul ( as it seems/you’ve alluded to the fact that you’ve already told him your true feelings) but I would certainly let him know in a matter of fact way that the reason you’ve reached this decision and why you’re leaving is because of your feelings for him not being recipricated and therefore you are making this move to press on with your life

sunseasand25 Sun 17-Jun-18 21:29:01

I would steel myself for being mite broken hearted and tell him so I had closure either way. Otherwise you may always wonder what if you'd told him. At least you've done all you can and he obviously just isn't for you if he doesn't reciprocate.

sunseasand25 Sun 17-Jun-18 21:29:21

More not mite

MonkeysAndPuzzles1 Sun 17-Jun-18 21:30:37

I think if you've made the decision and are committed to leaving then don't say too much - he may try to stop you and then you'll feel even more depressed.

What has he said when you've had these discussions before? Is he kind and loving in the emails and in person? Tbh it wouldn't worry me not to hear daily if you're in a stable relationship. Have you discussed the future of your relationship previously?

Maelstrop Sun 17-Jun-18 21:34:57

Go. He is, as you say, unavailable so what’s the point?

Anonymoususer1938 Sun 17-Jun-18 21:41:32

I think the point is that the OP wants to feel like at least she has done all she can to salvage the relationship...or at least let the bloke know the reasons why she is leaving. Not for his benefit but maybe for her own so that she doesn’t lie awake at night wondering about the whats/where’s and if onlys.

Anonymoususer1938 Sun 17-Jun-18 21:42:38

And believe me I’ve been there. Looking at the ins and outs of a cat’s arse was my speciality subject.

PeppermintPasty Sun 17-Jun-18 21:43:31

How/why is he the love of your life, if you don't mind me asking?

villamariavintrapp Sun 17-Jun-18 21:45:37

What would you hope to get out of telling him? An apology for wasting your time? A promise to change? Is there anything he could say that would really give you closure? Is there anything he could say that would make you stay? Do you really want that?

MMmomDD Sun 17-Jun-18 21:47:09

OP - I am somewhat different on this. For me, in these sort of situations - it helps to spill it out - tell them what and why.
How the relationship made me feel, what I was missing and why I am leaving.
Sort of helps me get a bit if closure for myself.

As to ‘slaps for parking your life’ - that you called ‘well deserved’ - that bit I disagree with.
YOU parked your life. He didn’t force you. It was your life and your choice.

So - if I were to say anything in a break-up letter - it’d be my own side. My own reflection on a relationship and my feelings. And about my decision to pull myself out of a situation that doesn’t work for me.

I will also say - OP - I hope you aren’t moving continents ONLY because of him. No one is worth this.

Ruddygreattiger2016 Sun 17-Jun-18 21:53:00

After 18 months you dont meet up very often and communicate by email? That is in no way, shape or form, a relationship op.
Afraid I am another one that doesn't understand why this is the 'love of your life'?
Personally I would ghost and move on, sorry, but he obviously doesn't give a crap and is happy with a booty-call when he can be bothered.

junebirthdaygirl Sun 17-Jun-18 21:58:47

If you open your heart and there is no response that is twice as painful. Just rell him you' re off and that you are really looking forward to it. Don't throw your pearls to swine. He had his chance.

FinallyHere Sun 17-Jun-18 22:01:15

* He is the love of my life and because of this, in the beginning, I was prepared to accept what little he was offering and on his terms. This has resulted in a massive erosion of my self esteem – a slow and agonizing process to the point where it has made me depressed.*

So sorry to hear this. I wish for you to find the strength to walk away and be kind to your self. Build up some relationships with kind people and build some self esteem. The world will be a much nicer place for you if you follow this advice. It might take some time and it won't be easy, but it will be very, very rewarding. All the very best.

HidingFromDD Sun 17-Jun-18 22:10:03

Ok, based on a likely similar outcome to both (he waves you off saying 'thanks for the good times'), which one will make you feel better?

Will you feel more controlled if you say 'I'm off, bye' and walk away or will you forever wish that you'd laid it out there, just in case?

Will you feel that you've tried everything if you tell him how you feel, and know that there's absolutely no chance, or will you feel that you've somehow 'lost face' and regret it?

No one can pick this for you, as it depends what type of person you are, but you need to find out which one allows you to draw a line under this and look to the future

Aminuts23 Sun 17-Jun-18 22:17:02

If you’re expecting a last minute declaration or promise to change you won’t get that. You could tell him how he’s hurt you but what will that achieve for YOU? Precisely nothing other than an awful cringey feeling when he just doesn’t acknowledge your feelings or respond as you want. I’d say your goodbyes and go with your head held high and your dignity in tact. You deserve better. You have a whole new adventure to start. It will be hard but you’ll have so many distractions to get you through the worst times. Good luck to you girl

Icantseeyou Sun 17-Jun-18 22:18:42

Big hugs. I was in a similar position except he ended it by disappearing on me. I totally get how it affects your confidence snd self esteem, the longer it goes on for the lower you feel.

Is there anything that would make you stay? If so write a long list of what would have to change in order for you to continue the relationship. Tell him how you feel. If he really wants to fight for you, then you have a few weeks to see if his actions match his words. If they don’t, then you know moving abroad is the right decision and you will have no “what if” doubts .

Gemini69 Sun 17-Jun-18 22:30:15

personally.. I wouldn't feed his ego by telling him anything... starve him of explanation as he has starved you of affection and respect... I'd simply close the door and walk away... good luck OP flowers

AFistfulofDolores1 Sun 17-Jun-18 22:58:47

Why is the "love of your life" a man who is unavailable? Is it in part because he's unavailable that he was a prime candidate for this?

YNK Sun 17-Jun-18 23:04:23

Don't look back OP

springydaff Sun 17-Jun-18 23:34:07

When you go, block him on everything OK? Delete all numbers etc. DO NOT look him up on social media. Be strong and completely cut him out of your life. He, or the relationship, has nearly destroyed you - cut it /him off totally.

Tbh I'd be tempted to ghost him.

I wish you all the happiness in the world in your new life op. You deserve it flowers

Gruffalina72 Sun 17-Jun-18 23:48:02

What Hiding said.

You are highly, highly unlikely to get the response (and closure) you're hoping for by spilling out all of that.

How much worse would it feel to bare your soul and be met by indifference, than to be the one in control calmly informing him you're moving on?

Think longer term than your current need to get it off your chest.

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