Completely and utterly overwhelmed by life

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi everyone,

As I write this I’m bawling my eyes out..I’m normally a fairly positive person but right now I feel like I’m drowning by recent events in my life and just don’t know what I’m doing anymore.

To cut a long story short, I was with someone about 4 years ago. Fell pregnant he disappeared to Australia and I went ahead on my own. I now have a wonderful 3 year old daughter and we have a fairly good life the two of us. I moved to be closer to my parents. Bought us a little two bed house which I did up and really happy with. I had a great job which allowed me to condense a full working week into just 3 days which was amazing, it allowed me to work, being in money and also being a mum. It was also something I genuinely enjoyed and I got to work from home. Yep I know it was a dream job in so many ways.

I saved up some money to go on our first beach holiday this year, I was so excited and just before I went my boss resigned. A new man came into the role and decided to make my role part- time. I do understand why they have done it, but the way in which they went about it was awful. I was basically hounded on holiday and had a shit week away. I was alone in a foreign country for the first time with my daughter and felt completely utterly alone. When I got home I had no choice but to hand in my notice as I have only been working in the company for 18 months and have no employee rights. I can’t afford to live on just two days a week. I have one months notice and then that’s it’s for work. I’ve been completely devastated by this and then two days later we have found out my dear dad may have prostrate cancer. It runs in his family and the signs he is showing may suggest it may be advanced. We are keeping positive but I’m completely devastated as you can imagine.

Right now I’m facing up to the fact my dad may not have a lot time to live, Im trying to support my family but I also have to try and find a job. It’s all too much

I know a lot of single parents work full time, but like most women/men the idea of hardly seeing my child anymore breaks my heart. I’m 42 so there is every chance she will be my only child. I hate the thought that I will be sat in an office 5 days a week doing a repetitive job I probably will end up hating. I have no idea what will happen when she goes to school next year. I was hoping my parents may be able to help out, but if my dad does have cancer then it’s out of the question to ask for help.

Right now I feel like I’m completely drowning everyday I wake up feeling depressed. I’m trying to be the best mum I can but it’s so hard at the moment, I just look forward to the end of the day when I can go to bed and shut out the world.

It was trying to date a bit recently because I would love to meet someone. Now I can’t see that happening. With working full time hours, I know I’ll be too tired and all the spare time I have I want to spend with my daughter.

I’m seeing a councillor so that is helping but it won’t change what is going on.

I’m considering selling up next year and using the cash I have in my property to buy a place outright in France and then just getting myself a crap jobs to pay the bills. At least I’ll be mortgage free and living in a place where I have a better quality of life.

Life is shit right now. I guess I just wanted to vent.

[mooncuplanding]

Right, listen up....reading what you have achieved it is clear you have all the skills you need to get yourself out of this hole.

I am SP too and job worries are literally flooring. But whatever it is you do now you will and can find something similar.

Have you got your cv done?
Are you up to date on LinkedIn?

Get the job worry solved ASAP. This one is in your control.

The dad issue is less in your control of course, what will be will be. But get yourself strong and safe so you are ready to deal with whatever is coming your way.

[Cherryblossom200]

Thanks Mooncup. I know deep down you are right and keep on telling myself to sort myself out but I feel I’m just struggling at the moment. I can’t seem to find a way out.

I have always been very strong, self sufficient, good with money and built up our life. But this has floored me and I’m just scared.

[Chewedupcucumber]

Could you move in with your parents for a while? You could support them, you could look for a suitable job without pressure to take anything, and save money for the future.

You sound wonderful, you’ll find a way to make things work

[Helpimfalling]

You sound bloody amazing!!

[Walikingdeadfan]

Sending hugs. But as mooncup says you sound like you are strong and capable.
There are many jobs which pay full time but don't require you to be in the office 9-5. Are you able to go freelance? or find a job with the flexibility to work in the evenings when DD has gone to bed or work from home?

I am not sure that you have no rights with regards to your previous employer, but depends if you still want to try and work there.

[Cherryblossom200]

Moving back home would be very much the last resort. I did that when I first had my daughter, it was very tough. Plus my dad has Alzheimer’s and dementia, it’s not end stage but it’s enough for me not to feel safe under the same roof with a young child. Plus I feel he deserves to live out the rest of his years in relative peace. My dd is wonderful but hard work!

I’ve taken a mortgage holiday for two months, and my parents have said they will help me financially for a few months until I find something. I know I need to find anything, but it depresses me thinking I’ll be doing a shit job I more than likely will hate.

[VanGoghsDog]

You can bring a sex discrimination claim actually. And it sounds like you'd have a decent case. Speak to ACAS.

[Cherryblossom200]

I’m hoping I can find something where I can do a 4 day week. I’ve only been looking for a week so I’m being a bit pessimistic. I think it’s the situation with my dad which is making this so much harder. I’m just petrified and worried.

Everyone says it’ll all work itself out but I just don’t feel it.

I have great experience a lot gained in London, but where I live now I’ve had to take a pay cut sort of dumb myself down to get a job. It’s just massively shit.

[Cherryblossom200]

I’ve done soooo much research into my case with my new employer. But he can do what he has done, I had an employment lawyer looking into it for me and he said they can change my contract. Plus I just couldn’t work with this new guy. He is vile. When I asked for someone to accompany me into a meeting because I genuinely felt I intimated by him, he said there was no need as it was an informal meeting. Then he started reeling of a load of things I supposedly did wrong (my old boss had no issue with my work) I ask for the meeting to be adjoined he went mental. He threw a book across his desk and I walked out and handed in my notice 30 minutes later. I didn’t want him to find a way to dismiss me and have that on my record. He is mentally unhinged.

[VanGoghsDog]

Yes, you can't work with him. But a discrimination claim would not result in you bring forced to work with him, it would result in you getting compensation.

I'm amazed a lawyer can't see that a female single parent can bring a claim for sex discrimination when told their job is being made part time.

[aaatozedd]

That is workplace bullying OP. Can you see if you have a claim for constructive dismissal?

You are doing great so far by the way.

[decbug]

This does all sound very overwhelming OP

I work the equivalent of 4 day's per week but do 9-2:30 every day which fits around school hours (I just have to use a breakfast club). When I applied for my job though, it was full time. I somehow found the guts to ask in the interview whether they'd consider reduced hours. Although that worked for me you could even ask at offer stage; apply for full time jobs, get them to be interested in you and then just see if they'd consider it now or in the future when your DD goes to school.

I'm so sorry about your Dad. That really sucks. I lost my DM to cancer 😞 (just sympathising, it's a tough and horrid time)

[decbug]

Argh weird apostrophe snuck in to my post

[Cherryblossom200]

But does that fall under sex discrimination? I read on acas that an employer can change someone’s hours due to economic reasons. My job is paid for by tax payers.

The new manager lived near me and was actually hand delivering letters to my house as a way to intimate me. He would do it late at night when I was asleep,

He is well known for being a twat and treating people like dirt. But this I’ve felt harassed!

[Cherryblossom200]

I’ve resigned, I can’t do them for constructive dismissal now..

[Spottybotty14]

I just wanted to say hang on in there.
Your Dad is out of your control but even when prostate cancer is advanced and incurable, there are different types of hormone treatments that can keep it under control often for some years depending on exact circumstances.
The job must be your focus. Try and go about that as methodically as possible and explore all avenues.

On a more practical level,
Write a gratitude diary, cut out booze if you drink, get over 8 hours sleep and make sure you take a multivitamin. All these things can help with your resilience.
I had a crap couple of years a year or so ago, think multiple miscarriages, severe life threatening illness, broken limb, head/facial injury and family illness.
The sleep and no alcohol made a massive difference to my ability to cope and I went from feeling like the world was caving in to being able to get through it and gradually the fog lifted.
Sending very best wishes. You sound amazing.

[VanGoghsDog]

You can't claim for constructive dismissal because you don't have two years service.

With regard to sex discrimination - yes, it could be. The 'economic' reason might fly, but we don't know, do we? It sounds as if it may not have been genuine. Being paid for by the tax payer does not change your employment rights.

Did they consider cutting other people's hours, or just yours? Who else does the same job, or one very similar - was the reduction discussed with them as well?

See page 18: www.equalityhumanrights.com/sites/default/files/your_rights_working_hours_and_flexible_working.pdf

[Cherryblossom200]

I don’t drink, I look after myself the best that I can. Take vitamins, make a smoothie every morning. And I’m trying to get as much slee as possible like you say. Otherwise I think I’ll just fall apart.

But good advice thank you

[Cherryblossom200]

I’m the only paid for employer, everyone else is a volunteer. I’m a parish clerk (nothing to do with churches!) but I deal with planning applications, road issues etc for a local area. My manager is a volunteer along with everyone else he works alongside with, but as councillors they have a fair bit of power. But they don’t seem to have a clue how to deal with the HR side of things, it’s been a huge mess.

The idea of claiming for sex discrimation sounds stressful and also expensive...

[MrsDc7]

HR person here... you may not have the usual rights that an employee may have because of your length of service BUT that does not apply to discrimination. You can bring a claim against your employer if it is on the grounds of discrimination and there is no cap on the level of compensation in these cases. I would contact ACAS sand get further advice

[Cherryblossom200]

Do you think i have a case for discrimination on the basis of what I have said? I basically went from having a great working relationship with my boss who was happy with me to then having a new boss and in the space of two days they changed my contract to just two working days a week.

[VanGoghsDog]

It's not expensive to bring a claim, it's free.

BUT - now you have said you are a Parish Clerk I am amazed you were full time at all, even with condensed hours. And if you were the only paid employee (which is the norm on a parish council) then no, there are no comparators you could point to and show you were singled out, nor that a provision or criterion affected you more than members of the opposite sex, since there are none.

So, actually, I don't think the claim will have kegs I'm afraid.

[VanGoghsDog]

*legs!

[Teabay]

As a parish clerk you have lots of skills. First of all, there are lots of parishes and you may be able to work for another one or two nearby.
This week when you are feeling a little clearer, begin to make a list of them and start contacting them.
I too am a SP with two primary DC and it's really, really tough. I chose to leave my EA exh, bought my own house two years ago but it's nearly killing me. Just the worry about finances is enough, I know exactly how you feel.
But I manage. You will manage. And your DD will grow up with an excellent role model for a mum.
Hang on in there.

I resigned from a higher tax bracket full time job to a part time barely above minimum wage job, and I've just resigned again from that because I hate it. In two months I begin another part time job and I'll see how that goes.
I'm learning to roll with it. I am healthy, my DC are healthy and we have a home and a full fridge. That's it, but it's enough.
Keep posting on here, keep in touch.
Much love.

[barleyreed]

Hi Cherry, you sound incredible and it sounds like you can do anything! Do you have legal cover included on any of your insurances, home insurance etc? If so they usually cover up to £50k ( I think) in legal fees. Might be worth looking into if it costs you nothing to pursue that horrible manager, you were basically forced to resign, I think that is constructive dismissal...

Fingers firmly crossed for your Dad x