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Can you get over an emotional affair? If so, how?

(97 Posts)
OhFucko Sun 17-Jun-18 13:17:20

H had an emotional affair last year. I strongly suspect it went further, but not all the way. He denies anything except lots of talking and a cuddle when she was crying.

He is very contrite, devastated, only loves me blah blah fucking blah. She was a friend of mine. He promised he'd never contact her again. Yet the next week he was snapchatting her. Innocent stuff but just no fucking need.

He did a lot after that to try and make it up to me and we have limped on. I don't feel the same about him any more. I used to love him so much it hurt.

They work in the same industry and he still works with her on and off. He says this can't be helped without outing the situation to everyone we know, which is probably true.

2 weeks ago I went with him to an industry dinner and she was there. She looked at me and I just gave her the middle finger. Apparently she has asked him how I am and said how gutted she is as she hates to feel like someone hates her <poor love>
At the dinner she waited till I walked away then went to speak to him. I saw because I'd left my phone on the table so turned back. They said she was just asking him something about work. I called her an arrogant selfish twat and told her to have enough class to fuck off out of my life. I wish I'd said more. He's had worse from me.

I just can't stand it all. He remains very sorry and keen to make things better but....meh. He's broken us and I hate him for it.

I won't leave because of the children.

Is there any way to make this better?

Shoxfordian Sun 17-Jun-18 13:28:20

The children would be ok if you left him. It's better than being in an environment with parents who don't get on anymore. I don't think you're obligated to forgive or move on.

AdaArdor Sun 17-Jun-18 13:33:51

He isn't really respecting you if he chooses not to understand how much this hurts you. He is essentially choosing her over you considering you've told him time and time again to get rid of her but he won't. Just because you work with someone doesn't mean you really need to interact with them, especially at a dinner. It sounds like an excuse for them to spend time together. It sounds to me like he is still in the affair. I'm sorry. If you're not willing to leave then beyond having an open relationship and each living separate lives but putting a front on for your kids, I don't see any options. He doesn't seem like he wants to change.

TheStoic Sun 17-Jun-18 13:40:37

No, there is no way of making it better, if you know you won’t leave and he knows you won’t leave.

SchnitzelVonKrumm Sun 17-Jun-18 13:40:52

* They work in the same industry and he still works with her on and off. He says this can't be helped without outing the situation to everyone we know, which is probably true.* So out it. Make him explain to his employer that he cannot work with her under any circumstances, and why. If it's embarrassing for them, so what? Actions have consequences.

OhFucko Sun 17-Jun-18 14:24:54

She came and spoke to him rather than the other way around.

OhFucko Sun 17-Jun-18 14:25:38

And she was the one who asked to work in his team again. He didn't block it because he said he didn't want what had happened to get out.

Ryder63 Sun 17-Jun-18 14:43:39

He didn't block it because he said he didn't want what had happened to get out

I bet he didn't! as a pp said though - actions have consequences. Currently you are the only one suffering for his actions, while they carry on regardless. He clearly has zero respect for you, and you'll be monitoring his SM for evermore, watching it still play out.

OhFucko Sun 17-Jun-18 15:06:43

If it gets out though it'll have consequences for us financially as a family, as he'll lose lots of work.

Unfortunately real life isn't black and white.

Puzzledandpissedoff Sun 17-Jun-18 15:25:46

If it gets out though ... he'll lose lots of work

Without outing yourself in any way, can you say why? I wouldn't think any clients would care either way if they're still getting whatever-it-is - ditto management providing his work performance is up to scratch, even if in theory they have some kind of clause barring relationships between staff

Are you absolutely sure he's not just using this as an excuse for staying in close touch with her?

MonkeysAndPuzzles1 Sun 17-Jun-18 16:37:58

If he was still chatting to her it doesn't sound like he felt able to give up their relationship. Tbh people can't switch off feelings, especially once they are involved with an affair.

Id think long and hard about whether youre wasting time you could be happier with someone who wants to be committed to you.

Alienspaceship Sun 17-Jun-18 16:43:47

He’s not contrite. He’s taking the piss. If he wanted to visit contact - he would. You can carry on putting up with it (which you are, even if you are swearing a lot) or he can end it and prove he is only having the most professional of interactions.

OhFucko Sun 17-Jun-18 16:53:32

I just don't know what to think.

I'm almost sure he's not still contacting her apart from work. I've been checking his phone. Her number isn't saved.

She rang last week late at night. He didn't answer. He said it was a work thing (she would have just finished shift at that time). I don't know what to think.

I'm going to arrange counselling for myself as I'm fed up of being angry and upset all the time.

I wouldn't leave him as it really would be worse for the kids. But I'm considering telling him we're separating for a while.

I just don't want to feel like this anymore.

BeyondSceptical Sun 17-Jun-18 16:53:45

I don't think you can. I think you can push it down, but it's always there.

If he doesn't understand why you are upset and do everything he can to try to make it better, I'd say he clearly isn't bothered enough to actually work to fix it.

SeaCabbage Sun 17-Jun-18 17:01:17

He needs to work 100 times harder in sorting this out.

What is his take on it? Does he not care about you?

And she sounds like a prize bitch, still contacting him. Good god, hide of a rhino.

Have you had a calm, clear talk with your arse of a husband about how he needs to get this sorted, if you are to have any chance of bearing to be in the same house together?

And as others have said I wouldn't give up about his work, there must surely be something that can be done. IF he wants to.

Feckers2018 Sun 17-Jun-18 17:10:15

Bloody hell I wouldn't be so sure it was just emotional as she is still chasing him. It was an affair surely or he wouldn't be bothered if it got out.
So glad you are telling them both to fuck off.
Tell him to get out and live with her.

Puzzledandpissedoff Sun 17-Jun-18 17:20:30

I just don't want to feel like this anymore

Believe me I understand; I did it for far too long myself before getting out. You can't save a relationship on your own, though - either he cares enough to reassure you by sorting this out once and for all or he doesn't, and if it's the latter your mental health will suffer as well as the DCs

And her number "not being saved" means nothing. He could have it listed under a different name, or at worst she could even have another phone used just for him

OhFucko Sun 17-Jun-18 17:22:53

She was 'in love' <so sweet> with him and wanted to be with him in the messages from last year. He also said he loved her and she was his best friend (later said he meant platonic love) but that circumstances (his boring old wife and kids) meant they couldn't carry on and had to delete everything. There were also emojis to do with sex (the innocent ones like innuendo) and winking faces.

He went to her house when he was supposed to be on the way back from a work trip and was v late for our DCs birthday party (feeding 30 guests which I handled alone). He said it was just to talk and finish everything.

They both say nothing physical happened but I don't believe it. They went away for a month business trip where they had rooms next to each other.

OhFucko Sun 17-Jun-18 17:23:49

He says all the right things, accepts total blame, says he loves me not her and will do anything to sort it. But I can't get past it.

RLOU88 Sun 17-Jun-18 17:29:42

They went away for a month on a business trip together! I’m glad you don’t believe nothing happened because it almost certainly did. I can’t beleive he still has the disrespect to be Snapchatting her!

Puzzledandpissedoff Sun 17-Jun-18 17:30:30

They both say nothing physical happened but I don't believe it

From everything else you wrote in that post, you're absolutely right not to believe him

Okay, so this is all on him and he says "he'll do anything to sort it" - except texting her after saying he wouldn't and continuing to meet up, that is

So just what is this "anything" he claims to be prepared to do?

Puzzledandpissedoff Sun 17-Jun-18 17:34:34

BTW, Feckers was quite right in querying why he'd worry about this "getting out" if there's nothing much to it

And I certainly don't believe his remark about losing a lot of work if it did - that'll probably just be an excuse for continuing the relationship

SchnitzelVonKrumm Sun 17-Jun-18 17:38:13

Did you post about this at time?

OhFucko Sun 17-Jun-18 17:44:54

The snapchatting was days after I found out. They haven't been in contact since until about 3-4 weeks ago when they started working together again (at her instigation).

I think he should have said 'no, she's not working with us.' He has the power to. But he didn't because 'she's good at her job' and 'it would make people talk.'

He says it's the biggest regret of his life. I don't understand him.

OhFucko Sun 17-Jun-18 17:45:21

I just want to KNOW.

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