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Not blindly believing exes are just crazy

(25 Posts)
tigersox Sat 16-Jun-18 13:47:46

I have an ex (abusive wanker) who has a new partner

I'm trying to begin dating again and may consider dating someone who has an ex partner who is not amicable

I tried to warn my exes new partner. Not suprised that she doesn't want to listen though. That's her choice

But how do you tell before getting involved deeply with someone if you're being told bullshit dressed up as the truth about their ex partner?

I feel like you have to get more involved to know... but I don't want to get more involved to then find out she isn't actually a cow at all and I've just been spun stories

MrsTerryPratchett Sat 16-Jun-18 13:52:13

One 'crazy' ex is one thing. Men with more than one? Red flag.

DH has an ex who actually had quite severe MH issues and was violent. He has nothing but compassion for her, even though she was not a great GF. He's very glad she's doing better now.

But women are told that any man is better than no man.

MagicFajita Sat 16-Jun-18 13:53:00

You have to take your time op , and pay attention to any red flags or bad feelings you have about the person you're dating.

Also make sure that you stay independent, don't move in together too soon , always keep your financial independence and know that if your relationship fell to pieces you have all of the practical tools to cope.

PrimalLady Sat 16-Jun-18 14:04:42

The guy I'm seeing has a crazy ex.

Generally, the truly crazy ones will show themselves.

She is the stereotypical crazy ex too. He showed me a LOT of evidence. Photos. Videos. He would call me and leave his phone on in his pocket incase she attacked him.

But even without that, I've seen it myself and experienced it myself. This woman has stalked me, threatened me and my children, she has people following and taking pics of us to report back on our whereabouts and activities. This woman claims and has plenty believing he is a woman beating thug.

All you can do is the observe without involvement or judgement and figure out where the truth lies, and don't feel bad if it turns out the truth lies with the "crazy" ex.

tigersox Sat 16-Jun-18 14:06:34

I just don't know. There appears evidence that his ex may be simply spiteful and resentful and playing games with kids to goad him

Don't really want to interrogate him either but I wonder what he did for her to turn this way if that's true of her

He could be really nice and her abusive
He could be another abuser with an angry ex

I don't want to go deeper to find out. But that feels hypocritical especially as I like him... since he will have to do the same with me to be sure

PrimalLady Sat 16-Jun-18 14:11:59

There is a massive difference between bitterness and abuse.

My ex was bitter, and altho some of his behaviour was similar to my BFs ex, BFs ex would always go the extra.

Its human nature to be bitter after a breakup.

GetInMyNelly Sat 16-Jun-18 14:24:30

I don't believe an guys ex is "crazy" until I physically see proof of it.

A woman who simply pisses around and stops a guy seeing his kids isn't crazy, she's simply hurting/bitter and is trying to use the kids to hurt him with.

I've had an ex who was "crazy", I've always had proof as to why.

Just go with your gut. I stupidly didn't and ended up with a fucking idiot who lied about everything. It was always someone else's fault not his.

PrimalLady Sat 16-Jun-18 14:30:01

Even when the ex is legit "crazy" too, it doesn't mean he's completely innocent.

My BF has some issues, and dealing with them myself, I can see how some of his actions would exasperate an already volatile situation. So even if he gives you black and white solid proof, it doesn't mean he doesn't have equally as challenging issues of his own.

Also, if his ex is genuinely abusive, there is a host of mental health issues that in itself can cause.

tigersox Sat 16-Jun-18 14:40:30

@PrimalLady this is true. After my experience with ex wanker ... I just don't want to deal with crap again. Seems like it's impossible not to take the risk though if I don't want to stay single forever

PrimalLady Sat 16-Jun-18 16:03:39

Tbf even with lifelong relationships, you can end up with people acting odd when it comes to a new relationship.

We've had it from three separate friends. Long standing (all over 15 Yr, no behaviour like this before) close friends just started acting like absolute children.

All you can do is be responsible for your own actions. Observe others and act accordingly.

SoapOnARoap Sat 16-Jun-18 16:11:15

I think it’s possible to have multiple batshit ex’s. Some people go for a type, always get the same result yet, repeat again

AnUnhappyStudent Mon 18-Jun-18 18:04:06

I recently ended a short term relationship on the basis of a number of red flags. The first one being that his STBX had mental health issues otherwise she would not have walked out of a 24 year relationship. I told him to forget about us until divorce finalised, but he would not leave me alone once he knew there was someone else I was seeing. It didnt take ling for the mind games to start, the degrading comments and then trying to shame me in front of friends. I had known this person for many years and did not pick up until very recently the number of narcissistic behaviours he had. This has happend to me before and also to a couple of friends all of whom had it suggested the ex was a nightmare when it later transpired they were the problem and not the ex. I would wait, keep your wits about you and see if there are other things that just do not add up. Also get a copy of Living with the Dominator. Right at the end is a section on what the early warnings are. Good luck

Dljlr Mon 18-Jun-18 20:04:07

Current DP has 2 crazy exes. One, I've seen with my own eyes evidence of the crazy; she's a deeply unpleasant person and has behaved in ways that frankly ought to see her being, at the very least, cautioned for harassment. DP does not speak of her (we all work at the same place unfortunately). The other crazy ex I don't know, and it remains a little red flag, bobbing about in the background. He doesn't really speak of her either but what he has told me sounds way too bonkers to be true, which worries me.

lifebegins50 Mon 18-Jun-18 20:55:32

If a man or woman has been with a partner a long time and had children then I am looking to hear some respect and compassion for the ex.This was the flag I ignored.Ex was married before and his ex wife seemed very unreasonable however Ex was never able to speak about her positively when she MUST have had good traits.

So in my case it wasn't what he said (since he was too clever for labelling her crazy) more what he didn't say.
He should be able to show some kindness to an ex.

Guess what, I am now that disrespected person who he treats with contempt.I had previously been on a pedestal with lots of wonderful traits...now I am the worst person in the world, all because I dared to leave him.

Dljlr, I think you need to be cautious, sounds dodgy and your gut is telling you.

Findingmywayeveryday Mon 18-Jun-18 21:05:20

I can’t stand my ex but I don’t go around telling people my deepest darkest hurt feelings about what a twat he is. I speak about him respectfully in a ‘he is my children’s father’ kind of way.
So it is a red flag for me someone you hardly know tells you all these deep emotional things about their terrible ex. It embarrasses me that I don’t like ex, I wouldn’t actually want to make it public knowledge so when people do it, it really puts me straight off them either they are looking for sympathy or they are the crazy one themselves

Dljlr Mon 18-Jun-18 22:26:04

lifebegins I feel like I'm collecting little red flags currently; constantly wondering if that's what they are or maybe I'm just weird and paranoid. I've not started a thread on here for years but am spending a lot of time at the moment constructing them in my head and hearing the responses. I nearly left him today then found myself talked around. Next time something bugs me though I've decided I'll put the lot on here and this time - listen.

I think what you say about talking about exes is absolutely right. Funnily enough, DP can't bear it if I ever do that about ExH, even to my son who deserves to know that his dad can be wonderful company and very funny.

category12 Mon 18-Jun-18 22:39:25

If your gut is telling you to leave it, listen to it.

BertieBeats Mon 18-Jun-18 22:42:09

My partner's ex isn't "bat shit crazy" ,but has been very manipulative in the past when it came to the children.
However ,partner has never bad mouthed her ,I only know this through her actions. In fact ,I don't even know what she was like during their relationship as he rarely talks about it. I assume that relationship was good(ish) and he loved her ,otherwise I would find it hard to respect someone who hung around in a shit marriage for 15 years and had children.
I just think that if someone has a lot to say about a ex ,they're either not over it OR know that they've been just as bad and trying to get in there before you hear the exes side.

lifebegins50 Mon 18-Jun-18 22:44:30

I'm just weird and paranoid

Nooooo, you must listen and you are doubting yourself.Our biggest betrayal is the failure to listen to ourselves..trust yourself, you are picking up warnings but your head can't yet name the issues.

PrimalLady Tue 19-Jun-18 11:20:29

@lifebegins50 Many abusers, whether male or female, have several positive traits. However they are all an act and as soon as the abuser had their victim trapped they drop those traits.

PrimalLady Tue 19-Jun-18 11:30:03

I do agree about bad mouthing too. The guy I'm seeing never bad mouthed her. It took a long time for him to actually get angry about the vile abusive things she was doing. The way he ended up telling me is very outing so I can't go into detail. But it was never in a bad mouthing way. But he very much needed out. They'd been broken up for months and she still controlled every aspect of his life.

RatRolyPoly Tue 19-Jun-18 11:34:29

In addition to a "crazy ex", I trust a man who "never really loved" an ex long-term partner.

Yeah, right, you didn't.

If you didn't, that's a fucking shit thing to have done to her. And if you did, why lie to me? We're all adults here.

HappyintheHills Tue 19-Jun-18 11:45:30

To me what sticks out is your DP showing disapproval of your behaviour around your DS about his father.
I found that really hard, though I knew DS needed to hear some good of his father from me.
For your DP to make that hard for you is really unsupportive.

tigersox Sat 23-Jun-18 04:12:35

The guy did turn out to be an abusive wanker. Fortunately he revealed himself with some very telling signs before I dated him.

Incredibly classic ones too...

we spoke on the phone said goodnight as he said he needed to sleep it was about 11ish I think

Around 2am
I asked him why he was up so late on WhatsApp (I happened to be myself could see him online and that he hadn't yet read a message of mine so wasn't simply checking that)

His response was to ask why? I said because I wanted to know? Hence asking

His next response... why?

Me: because I do?

(At this point I honestly expected he'd say something like "chatting to a friend/family/couldn't sleep" etc)

I got: you need to chill the fuck out. I'm not answering you what I'm doing

I told him he could fuck off then, it was a question and if he had nothing to hide from me I don't get why he'd not just answer

He told me I haven't given him commitment or consent

Here's where it gets pathetic.... I haven't yet met him in the flesh. We'd just been chatting and arranging a date. We were talking a lot so I'd said I still use the site but the amount we are talking I felt like really wanted to see what happened with him so whilst it was silly to come off it could we be open with each other if we were talking as much to anyone else so as not to get caught up. So I'd offered him a chance to say I'm chatting to a few people etc. Obviously he didn't say he was chatting to anyone just said he still had an account which I don't get since he had banged on about honesty being KEY for him.

He asked me to drop my barriers and allow things to progress. Wanted commitment and also used the word "consent" too. I told him that was silly I haven't met him yet and he had a sulk basically.

So fast forward from that to tonight me asking what he was up to... and he refuses to say. I wasn't even pushing it but got a whole speech on him being a grown ass man who answers to nobody and demands that I call him after I just said "ok"

Got told how childish I am not to call him. How I'm obviously paranoid and have issues to react this way. I said he could call me but without honesty I wasn't really up for the conversation. I told him he could have said he was chatting to someone else from the site even. I would have found it odd since I offered him to say if he was the other day but would have appreciated the honesty and just found it so strange to get so defensive about a question- it's not like it was daytime and he'd told me he was sleeping. He told me there's no way he'd call me but he wanted me to call him confused and apologise for my overreacting confused

I said I didn't think things would work now and got told I was running away. Got some patronising speel about how he wasn't mad with me but I needed to be mature and not controlling by giving him the ultimatum that I was walking away if he didn't say what he was doing confused

And if you're still with me... I walked away. But apparently I'm a crazy ass for doing so and not ready for dating anyone because I have chosen to walk away and not make a commitment to a man I haven't met in the flesh because if I did he would have been accountable to me confused

So I think his crazy bitter ex is likely the way she is to him for good reason

To be fair he also said he was picking his kids up tonight at 10 something. They're small enough that I said wouldn't they be asleep by now and suddenly of course it was her idea not his. I don't believe any mother would want to wake kids up (4 and 7) to send them to their dads... just because. Just to spite him.

sleep5 Sat 23-Jun-18 04:26:47

All partners can have undesirable tendencies that are aggravated/brought to the boil by their current partner.

In many cases moving on does result in that undesirable tendency not rearing its head again in the next relationship because they're not being aggravated in the same way and also they are more restrained because they don't want to lose another relationship (have learnt their lesson the first time around).

Having wasted too many years being bitter about reasons for breakups, my advice is don't look back and move on as fast as you can and accept it wasn't to be. Warning the new partner will often backfire. Also accept that his bad behaviour in your relationship may well not happen next time around.

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