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Is this an emotional affair or am I going mad(271 Posts)
Hi all just need a bit of input from you good people not sure if I'm over thinking things or not? I hope I am!!
Been married for nearly 18 years together for 25 since we were 17. We have 3 kids. Never had any problems with other people we've always been open and honest. I'm not a paranoid person by nature never have been and I love my SO to bits always have.
Anyway he has struck up a friendship with one of the neighbours, a nice looking single mother about 10-12 years younger than us. Didn't have a problem with that, her kids play outside and SO loves kids so had been playing with them outside along with our kids.
So a couple of months ago I was in the kitchen and his phone was charging there. Couldn't be bothered to get my phone so picked his up and because my internet app is in the same place as his WhatsApp I automatically pressed that. I was not snooping and have never checked his phone. Anyway top of the list was a message from the neighbour. As the message was.sent at midnight and im only human I opened it. Found shitloads of messages over 2 or 3 weeks, 20 or 30 a day I'd say. I went through them and to be fair not one of them was inappropriate in any way, just general chit chat and banter through the day but there were an awful lot of them. This raised a red flag cos he knows I'm ok with opposite sex friendships cos I trust him. So why didn't he mention them? I asked him and he said he knew he should have done but when he realised how many there were he said he didn't know how to tell me.becsuse it looked dodgy even though it wasn't. Ok so I then tell him look I trust you can u just please calm then down, calm the friendship down. He said ok I understand of course I will. Thank u for trusting me I won't let you down. I know I should have told him to cut the friendship there and then but I want to trust him and don't want to be one of those paranoid possessive wives!!
Now I haven't checked his phone since. He has offered it to me but I didn't see the point as he can always delete messages right?
I know he still sees her sometimes but not quite sure how much as I work away from the area and he works here so has plenty of opportunity if he wants.
Now anf again he has borrowed a hedge trimmer and and also haor clippers from her. Relevant or not who knows!! Anyway bearing in mind I asked him to calm down the friendship I notice out of the window today her front door is open. 10 mins later my husband appears from her house, disappears round the corner to the garages with her for a couple of.mins then comes back to our house. I don't say anything but he notices I'm annoyed about something although I say it's nothing. Also bear in mind a few weeks ago she told him she doesn't let any other man into her house because of her children. He hadn't been in her house at that point. He doesn't mention that he was there.
I really don't believe for one minute that he's being unfaithful but I am very concerned he's getting too emotionally connected to her. Maybe I am turning into that paranoid wife after all? I don't know.
I just have a funny gut feeling about all of this and I really don't know if it's actually my problem or I should be concerned. He has never hidden anything from me before in 25 years and never given me cause for concern. Maybe this is paranoia because I've never had to experience anything like this before? This is what in hoping but I really would like your input as I haven't spoken to anyone about this I I just don't know if it's me or not.
I'd be grateful for any responses I just worried I guess
It’s not you.
Why did he go in her house do you think? Why did you not ask him?
I would be suspicious.
Well he's also our postman so he delivers there anyway he had to pass her house and prob had mail although not a reason to go in. I didn't mention it because it was a flying visit by him back to our house and tbh I didn't want to start an argument
Is your gut implying you think she is Relying on your husband a lot more than you are happy with and you’re worried it will develop?
I think you need to tell him how you are feeling about this friendship
Hi thanks for all your replies. I did speak to him a couple of weeks ago. Actually I got really upset. I said I thought he might like her more than he was letting in and his response was don't be silly she's a friend. She might be moving soon and he told me he said to her he would be gutted if she moved!!!! I get the feeling at the moment that it's more his end than hers.
He also got quite annoyed that I had suggested he liked her more than he was letting on
If he got annoyed it could be you hit a nerve or it could be that he doesn’t know how to convince you.
Do you know her at all or is the friendship mainly your husband as he works near home ?
I don't know her. Going back a bit he did say we would probably get on well she's a nice person. But since I found the messages and what I said to him since he has made no effort to introduce us. And to be honest I don't want the kind of friend who thinks it's ok to text a married man at midnight when he's at home with me. Hope i don't sound too judgemental!!
I’ve been there, 12 years later found a load of songs he had written about her and recorded. Keep your wits about you OP, in my case he told me after I confronted it was a one sided crush and he went too far , I can’t now prove it wasn’t, there was an awful lot of texting and I will never trust in the same way again. It’s not so much what he is up to, it’s the fact he isn’t mentioning stuff that sets alarm bells ringing
Hi op I think it’s geeat you trust him but maybe this is why he is going over because he knows he would get away with it. How do you know they didn’t disappear for a quick kiss coz the kids were in the house?
I would hate it to be this for you but the more you trust him the more he can get up to things. I’ve worked with both men & women who had affairs in work time there partners have no clue because they trust them. Whilst your not there they could be having more than an emotional affair remember women have needs too. You might think she would not do that to you but women are as sneaky as men wen they want something why else could so many people cheat on the partners it takes two to tango.
Hmmmm the exact same thing happened to me with my ex. He was devoted and a good man but he picked up his phone in bed & answered a message from her. I looked over his shoulder & saw tons of messages. I was quite shocked & said it straight out. He shrugged it off ... I'm not forecasting doom but they did up together ... in other words, he enjoyed all the attention & she fancied him ...
not sure how appropriate any of that is with your DH tbh...
My husband has started doing this. Junior medical colleague 12 years younger. Absolutely worships him. He goes out of his way to encourage support help tons of messages sympathising energising cheer up meals cheer up cakes, has offered to loan her 4 grand, sans any agreement.
I wouldn't like this one bit.
The fact you agreed to reign it in a bit, and he's still going round there, to me that would mean that he can't keep his eyes off of her and keep away.
To be honest I feel like I shouldn't have to tell her to fuck off it should come from my husband. He's the one who is married and should know the boundaries. As far as she is concerned I just feel really? Have some respect for someone else's marriage. If this were me (although I wouldn't let it get as far as many messages as I saw) as soon a so knew my husband was upset I would shut things down. His feelings are more important to me than any friendship. I wish he had the same feelings for me?
I would be very wary. I have a very good friend whose first H left her for their next door neighbour. Such friendships can get far too close, probably start with innocent intentions but the parties involved get in too deep. I'm not saying that anything has actually happened, but it could well be that your DH is lying to you (or maybe to himself).
You need to have a serious talk with him about boundaries.
If you are neighbours, why is she texting him and not texting you??
You need to tell him to nip it in the bud OP.
And have a word straight up with her, that you sense she is not respecting your marriage behaving like this.
Both of them need to be aware that it's not on.
And it sounds like you have been understanding enough with your hubby for the last 25 years, so he should know theres something in it if you sense something off.
I agree. I think if you verbalise to him a lot of what you've written here, he'd appreciate just how much this has bothered you.
"To be honest I feel like I shouldn't have to tell her to fuck off it should come from my husband. He's the one who is married and should know the boundaries"
No - he is your husband and you have every right to tell her where she is overstepping the mark. Politely but very firmly.
Your husband SHOULD - but he hasn't - Don't wait until things reach the point of no return.
Are the messages "intimate"? I don't mean sexy, I'm referring to in-jokes, emojis, kisses, pet names, and/or a sense that they're very comfortable with each other. Because that, combined with the secrecy, is an EA.
If the messages are fairly straightforward and functional, it's less of a problem.
I would have a word with her too.
I would also tell him directly what you saw today.
Alwayslearning789 she doesn't know me only my SO. He is her postman and they just got talking when he delivered her mail as well as being neighbours.
SuperSuperSuper the messages weren't intimate in any way as such no emojis etc but it was a lot of 'banter'. The messages weren't about anything important loads of chit chat about rubbish really which tells me he liked messaging her anyway as they weren't important as such.
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