Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Lights on or lights off?

(29 Posts)
Mytwistedimagination Thu 14-Jun-18 00:23:46

Back in the day, only second serious bf, even years into the relationship and living together, I preferred lights off for sex on a night. Overwhelmingly due to body confidence issues. I'd have sex in the daytime, so didn't avoid showing my body completely. My then bf, now husband, has recently brought this up as something which made sex frustrating and less than satisfying for him, which caused problems then which are only now coming to light.

Am I the only one to do this? Pretty sure I can't be. Has it caused problems for anyone else? I can't believe he's so shallow as to insist this was such a big problem so many years down the line. (obviously if I knew what my body would look like after DC, I'd have been happier with showing it then, but I came from a very private family!)

MyRelationshipIsWeird Thu 14-Jun-18 00:34:49

I like candle light so I can see what’s going on but it’s more flattering than regular lights.

Why is he only bringing it up now if it bothered him many moons ago? Is he rewriting history to justify an affair or leaving?

WanderingTrolley1 Thu 14-Jun-18 00:41:07

i prefer lights dimmed/softened.

esk1mo Thu 14-Jun-18 00:42:04

get some fairy lights

LinoleumBlownapart Thu 14-Jun-18 00:50:41

That's a pretty toxic thing to do. Why didn't he talk about it at the time? Are you still having a sexual relationship? It sounds like the issue might actually be his and a lot more than just years of sex in the dark.

As you asked, I like a little light but not full light. But I didn't use to like light, my husband has made me feel more confident over the years.

Is he interested in moving forward or is he just throwing blame at you?

happymummy12345 Thu 14-Jun-18 00:58:33

It's never bothered me, especially with my husband. Even though I'm not confident at all, I know he loves me for me, so I don't mind

Mytwistedimagination Thu 14-Jun-18 02:03:54

You lot are perceptive.
He did bring it up then, as in asking to put the light on. Sometimes I said yes, but being more comfortable without exposing myself I often said no. Not that he made a massive deal about it at the time.
It's come up now because I found out about an affair he had when we'd been together 7 years. Apparently he was frustrated, and would have been happy with more regular sex, with the lights on. I very much doubt that, because when getting regular well lit sex, he still managed to develop a porn addiction.
The bitch he had the affair with, while knowing full well we were together, gave him home cooked dinners, bj and sex with the lights on. Seems that was more attractive than 7 years of shared experiences.

Monty27 Thu 14-Jun-18 02:07:43

I lose more inhibitions with low light. And candle light is lovely.
It's strange he should bring it up now though.

LinoleumBlownapart Thu 14-Jun-18 02:21:59

So you just found out about the affair? When confronted he's managed to find a way that it was somehow your fault because you didn't turn on the lights. That's got bells on. Does he realise how stupid that sounds?

Copperbonnet Thu 14-Jun-18 03:07:24

Lights on or off is irrelevant.

He cheated, that what needs dealing with.

Chippyway Thu 14-Jun-18 03:37:54

Your issues should lie with his cheating and not being able to move past it. Not whether or not the lights should be on.

Lights on or off is irrelevant. I think you’re focusing on that far too much when clearly there’s bigger problems going on.

Mytwistedimagination Thu 14-Jun-18 03:39:40

I know. I'm trying to understand the reasons why. But that comment just struck me as really pathetic, because I'm surely not the only woman who prefers lights off, and I bet their partners don't see it as a contributing factor to being so dissatisfied they start thinking about cheating!

Monty27 Thu 14-Jun-18 03:43:46

Omg I missed the bit about the affair. He wouldn't be near me on a dark night nor a sunny day. Wtf? Why are you still with him?

LinoleumBlownapart Thu 14-Jun-18 03:56:42

Mytwistedimagination the reason he cheated lies with him, not you. He was clutching at straws with the lights comment and trying to find a reason to blame you. Some people go off sex altogether and their partners still manage not to cheat. He cheated because he wanted to and either the opportunity presented itself or he searched for it. That has nothing to do with anything you did or didn't do.

Mytwistedimagination Thu 14-Jun-18 04:04:52

Monty because it was a long time ago, and I've just found out. Houses, marriage and kids have happened in the meantime, and there's no evidence he has repeated it.

Thank you lino, it's hard not to be down on yourself, but I've always thought there is no reason good enough to cheat. Shame he didn't think the same.

pissedonatrain Thu 14-Jun-18 05:54:26

He's a twat trying to blame you for his cheating.

lights on or off has nothing to do with it.

bunchofdrapes Thu 14-Jun-18 14:35:52

Because he wants and needs to have all his senses enhances when it comes to the person he desires.

It's not an outlandish attitude to want to see as well as touch.

StarlightSparkle Thu 14-Jun-18 14:50:03

He’s re-writing history to justify his affair. If it did bother him then he should have talked to you about it, not gone after someone else. It doesn’t justify having an affair, but then nothing does. He had his own selfish reasons for having an affair so don’t over-analyse everything you did, in the hope you’ll find the answer. He needs to accept that he is at fault.

For the record, I’m sure there are loads and loads of people who prefer the lights off!

LinoleumBlownapart Thu 14-Jun-18 15:25:27

bunchofdrapes the op is a person, not an object.

I don't know about others but if my husband was uncomfortable with the lights on it would put me off, not make me think, I don't care if he's uncomfortable as long as all MY senses are enhanced.

He couldn't think of a ways around the light problem and still enjoy his sex life with his partner. The lights were such a major problem that he needed another woman as well. Bullshit.

Sunbelina Thu 14-Jun-18 16:50:23

Soft lighting definitely. I want to see the look in his eyes.

Dontsayyouloveme Thu 14-Jun-18 16:52:19

ON, ON, ON!

itbemay Thu 14-Jun-18 17:15:30

Sounds like he is trying to justify why he cheated. sad

Heatherjayne1972 Thu 14-Jun-18 17:20:27

I was with a man who insisted on pitch blackness ( and silence)
Very odd
Lights on ( and some noises )
Much better

mindutopia Thu 14-Jun-18 17:23:10

He’s definitely playing the blame game. We have the lights off. It seems a bit unromantic to flip the lights on bright, though obviously we have done it during the day (many moons ago pre-kids) and it didn’t seem weird. It’s just usually late at night and we don’t ever turn on bright lights late at night. It’s surely not an issue for all the other men who manage to be faithful to their partners. My dh and I haven’t had sex in a year due to pregnancy complications and then 3 months now pp of waiting to get my coil fitted. He would have taken it any way he could have gotten it I’m sure, but even so he’s not complained. He sounds like he’s projecting his own crap on you and trying to make it about you instead of his own inadequacies. But no for the record, never had a guy ever be unhappy with the lights off.

NotTheFordType Thu 14-Jun-18 19:55:22

I'm surely not the only woman who prefers lights off, and I bet their partners don't see it as a contributing factor to being so dissatisfied they start thinking about cheating!

No you're far from the only woman who prefers it that way, and your husbands make up a large proportion of my market as a sex worker.

Why would you shackle yourself this way? If you had an arm that "only worked in the summer/silence/dark" you'd see your GP, right?

Your lack of self confidence makes me really sad.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: