Shouty husband - what to do?

[SparklesXYZ]

My DH and I are not speaking, again, after he started shouting at me once again. Here are a couple of examples of recent incidents:

a) DH was meant to get to the kids ready for bed, but he was in the shower, so I got things going. (DH rarely gets our DC ready for bed. He says he'll do it once a week, but often doesn't.) When I told him I'd got things going, I thought he'd just say thank you, as I was simply trying to help. He reacted badly by shouting at me, telling me that everything was run according to my agenda and that he didn't know when bedtime was! (Our DC are 6 and 7. Bedtime has been the same for over a year...) He accused me of winding him up (?!) and after shouting at me for a few minutes, he stormed out of the house.

b) At the weekend, I got the DC up, washed, breakfasted and ready for their club that morning, while my DH was still in bed. The sun was already strong and after having applied suncream on both my DC, I went and got the adult sun cream for my DH to put on. I thought this was a thoughtful and kind gesture, but he just started having a go at me for making them late by getting him to put sun cream on (DH burns easily). Considering DH got up about 45 mins after us, I found it unbelievable.

Incidents of this nature are occurring more and more. I think I'm just being nice/kind/thoughtful and he just shouts at me. I don't understand how you can shout at someone who is fundamentally just trying to be nice. I don't understand why he would never shout at anyone else, but shouts at the person who loves him and does so much for him. I don't want to put up with being shouted at for the rest of my life.

Any thoughts on what the way forward is? Do you know any other couples where the husband shouts at the wife a lot?

[Nanny0gg]

Do you want to put up with this or do you want to leave? It's no way to live and it's not right for your children.

Has he started shouting at them yet?

[ivykaty44]

Your not his mother, don’t mother him

Yes let him burn, yes let the children go to bed late - go out and leave them to it.

Stop telling him how to do stuff, let him fail

And bite your lip

[Guiltypleasures001]

He shouldn't be shouting but

I wonder if he feels micro managed by you? Let him get on with stuff
And step back, see how it goes op

[0lwen]

because............ being an arsehole to somebody else is a valve, and an excellent coping mechanism.

[looondonn]

he is verbally abusing you
why you putting up with this?
not fair on you or DC

[SparklesXYZ]

Nanny DH doesn't shout at the DH. I don't want to leave, I want DH to stop shouting at me.

ivy & guilty Yes, I will say less, but still think it's wrong to shout at me when I'm just being nice. I certainly don't feel like being nice to him at the moment anyway. He will find another reason to shout at me though, then blame his behaviour on stress at work, not having slept well, or his latest one, hayfever. Can you believe it? He shouts at me because of his hayfever?

[SparklesXYZ]

looondonn Yes, I do feel like he's verbally abusing me.

[bluedabadeedabadoo]

I put up with this for a long time. It's sooo draining. I will never forget the feeling of receiving a phone call at work as that would usually mean he couldn't find something at home so would be ringing to shout at me. I'll never forget the sickness feeling in my stomach as I came home from work wondering what mood he would be in. I'll never forget the feeling scared to say anything in case he shouted, particularly if my son of DSD were present as I wanted to avoid escalation. I'll never forget me DSD sat in the back of the car with her hands over her ears petrified because of his shouting. I'll never forget going on holiday to Spain and being blamed for everything; being shouted at the whole holiday. DSD was making her self sick at the time and I'm convinced it was because of the anxiety of his shouting. I think she was about 12 at the time. I'll never forget him refusing to watch DS who was toddling near the pool whilst I was packing up. The woman on the next subbed got up to watch up as EXh refused!! All these things have had a massive issue on me emotionally and now I'm petrified of conflict so barely say anything challenging to anyone due to this. For a long time I thought I'd be unreasonable to leave because of just shouting but now I know it's emotional abuse.

[clumsyduck]

I can't condone his shouting but seriously getting sun cream out and making him put it on . What the fuck ?

Just leave him to it and if he is still a prick then you have your answer - leave him !

[JuicySwan]

It sounds like your husband is suffering from a condition called “Being A Cunt”.

Or rather, you’re suffering.

I’d LTB but I don’t take any shit.

[SparklesXYZ]

blue I'm sorry to hear you're suffering too. I also feel like I'm often walking on egg shells. I hate it when DH shouts at me in front of my DC. Sometimes I've sent them to another room, telling them that Daddy is about to shout at me.

[SparklesXYZ]

clumsy I didn't make him put the sun cream on! I just passed it to him!

[bionicnemonic]

If it was me I’d feel embarrassed. As though it was an unspoken criticism, not that you were being nice, but by ‘helping’ you were pointing out my errors. This does happen to me and that is how it makes me feel. Whatever the intention. And with the comment about how often he gets them ready for bed and not knowing what time bedtime is when it’s been a year it does sound like you do perhaps feel critical of him and and perhaps that is what he is upset about.

[bionicnemonic]

I didn’t mean I felt you should be embarrassed but that he might if he felt criticised and as though there were things he should have known (bedtime) or thought of. Not that that’s an excuse for shouting but some people don’t know how to handle embarrassment or discomfort

[SparklesXYZ]

bio I can see how it can come across the way you're describing. However, is it unreasonable for DH to get the kids ready for bed once in a while and actually know what time bedtime is? He will go months on end without once getting them ready for bed. He just assumes I'll do it.

[MilkyCoffeeAndSkinnySyrup]

Tell him to fuck himself!

[Seeingadistance]

I used to be married to a similar man.

I'm sorry, but there's nothing you can do to make him stop this. What you can do is leave. At the moment he's shouting in front of the children, which is reason enough to go, but sooner or later he will start shouting at them.

And bionicnemonic, the OP is right to be critical of a man who doesn't know when his children, with whom he currently shares a home, have their bedtime!

[MyKingdomForBrie]

I cannot believe some posters are making excuses for this prick. You

He fetched something that she knew he would need. What the fuck could possibly be wrong with that.

It sounds like he uses you as a stress relief/punch bag by taking out aggression and tension on you, presumably because he’s not happy in general. I don’t think he has any respect for you at all. You don’t have to put up with this. Every single time he shouts I would be saying ‘how dare you speak to me in that disgusting fashion’ then walk away.

[bionicnemonic]

Im not saying it’s reasonable (though he may zone out and genuinely not really register the time...I can be a bit like that when I’m zonked after work!) but I wonder if, hand on heart, your being nice doesn’t maybe come over as passive aggressive and he feels that his shortcomings are being pointed out to him in a disingenuous way. Again, that is no excuse for shouting, but perhaps if you said things in more direct way he might not shout?

[NoSquirrels]

I suppose, with both your examples, there was a moment when you could have given him a choice, rather than made a decision FOR him i.e. he says he'll do bedtime, you could mention/ask "are you still doing bedtime or do you want me to get them up to the bath?"; or for the suncream "I've suncreamed the kids, do you want some for yourself?"

HOWEVER

He sounds a bit useless as well as being a shouty, stroppy arsehole. So I am not sure why you'd stay to put up with this.

And this:

I hate it when DH shouts at me in front of my DC. Sometimes I've sent them to another room, telling them that Daddy is about to shout at me.

is fucking awful. What are you (plural, both of you) teaching your DC?
That it's OK to shout.
That it's OK for Daddy to shout at Mummy.
That Mummy will put up with it.
That Daddy is saying things to Mummy that they shouldn't hear...

It's not just that he should stop shouting at you. Although he should. It's that him shouting at you also has a profound effect on your DC and you cannot escape that by sending them into another room.

[TuTru]

Could this be alcohol related?

[SparklesXYZ]

my kingdom That's right, he uses me as his 'punch bag'. I take the brunt of all of his anger. I really hate it. I rarely get to walk away. DH shouts at me, has his say, then walks off before I get the chance to have my say. Pisses me right off.

[SparklesXYZ]

bio Hand on heart, I'm just being nice. I'm not trying to play some mind game with him.

[Rosielily]

Why does he say he'll only get the children ready for bed once a week?

What are his stresses at work?

[Rosielily]

That's right, he uses me as his 'punch bag'. I take the brunt of all of his anger. I really hate it. I rarely get to walk away. DH shouts at me, has his say, then walks off before I get the chance to have my say. Pisses me right off.

Has there been any physical abuse? Yet.