Husband secret spending

[user86]

I would love to get your opinion on this, as i'm starting to feel like a total nag and like i am controlling. I try to act reasonbly and fairly so your honest opinion/advice would be welcome!

So have been married a year now. Hes a lovely guy with a good heart. I know he loves me and wants to make me happy (same for me). However he has always been a spender. He has a good job, but when i married him had no savings (even though he lived at home rent free). I had a flat and paid rent. His father passed away recently and left him some money which we've used to pay the flat off a bit. but this wasnt his money saved, but his fathers.

He has zero financial insight. He was heavily mothered by a nightmare of a MIL. He is passionate about fashion, and spends so much on clothes!

I am a saver, and conscious about our future. I rearely treat myself, and when I do its thought about. A few months ago I found out he was spendings nearly £1000 in a month on clothes. We dont even have room for it. He'll see a top he likes and think nothing of buying it in every colour. I was patient and explained to him this cant happen now. We have to build a future. He can buy things but not like that. He promised he would stop. we decided it would be best to go cold turkey with online shopping as it seemed to be an addiction.

He was good. But i recently found he had set up a new email address, and had been shopping on it. He gets it delivered to a different address. It's nearly £1000 spent between two months!

I am not earning right now as between jobs. Its incredibly stressful and i feel horrible telling him about his spending when I am not earning. But we talk about our financces as shared, and he stresses he sees it this way. It doesnt feel like that though.

He doesnt see we have mortgage and bills. when i confronted him he started by saying it was investment pieces! But he recognised it was too much and he wouldnt want me to discuss it with my parents (who wouldnt like it much). So he knows its wrong.

I told him honestly hes makeing me question if im wrong for nagging him. I dont know anymore. He said perhaps some pocket money to spend as he wanted would be good (£200 a month). I just wanted him to recognise he didnt need this much stuff!!

I just saw he spent £20 on another pair of shorts. Wrongly i didnt bring it up with him but just cancelled the order. I think this was silly of me. I dont want to mother/stalk him like that.

In short.....Am i being a total, nagging, controlling, overbearing wife? Should he be allowed to do this?

I am confused lol!

[PrizeOik]

He isn't going to change and doesn't see this as a problem. You've objected, he's agreed with you to shut you up, now he's just ensuring he conceals it better.

You need to end this marriage, sorry. This is a man who will ruin your life if you give him the chance.

[f83mx]

Is his spending getting you into debt or trouble? Do you have kids that need things they aren't getting? if you are sharing one income are you provided for in terms of things you need? I kinda think if everything is covered why can't he buy nice things with the remainder?

[Seeingadistance]

He may have always been a spender, but now he is being very deliberately deceitful! Setting up a new email address and having his purchases delivered to a different address! Just, no!

You need to get him to understand how serious this is - the pissing money up against the wall, and the lying!

To be honest - I would struggle to stay with someone who did this.

[category12]

Crikey, it sounds compulsive behaviour on his part and the deception is a dealbreaker, really.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Nag is another word for assertive woman that asks for her needs to be met. Stop using that word about yourself.

I'd be considering what you will do if he carries on. And telling him.

[KateGrey]

I couldn’t be married to a man like that. God imagine if you have kids. He’d probably spend despite them needing things. He’s also now hiding it from you to deceive you. I’d strongly consider either therapy or leaving the marriage because money will end up destroying this marriage.

[Mrsramsayscat]

Kategrey has it

[user86]

We are not in debt, but probably because the money his father left us has bailed us out and given us a buffer. He's using a lot of our income on it. Obviously our income comes from his salary so he has a right to it. But its not sustainable to spend this much and build savings.

We dont have kids, but want them. I'm pretty sensible with money, and I reckon we should have a bit of comfort behind us so they have stability, both my husband and I had growing up.

I think it would be causing us trouble if he hadnt had some money from his parents. We would like to raise our kids in a house not flat so will be saving towards it. (although with this spending we are not)

Totally am not against him having nice things. And maybe i am being a bit OTT. But we literally have no more room for his clothes in our small flat lol. And its bizzare (same jacket in 5 colours £50 each when he already has like 5 beige jackets lol)

I think it was the hiding that got me. Because it showed me he knew it was excessive.

He quite used to his mum bailing him out i think. before marriage he's approached her for money when he should have savings of his own i think.

but maybe you're right and I should loosen up....i dont want to be overbearing and controlling

[C0untDucku1a]

Maybe you need to say he needs to get some professional help. He is being totally irresponsible. And lying to you. Concealing it shows it is a problem.

[category12]

Nobody has said loosen up, OP. Only you.

He's a liar and a compulsive spender.

[Seeingadistance]

Eh? I don't see anyone here saying that you should "loosen up"! So far, it's pretty unanimous that his behaviours are unacceptable and for many, it would mean the end of the marriage unless he, not you, changed!

You're not being OTT, far from it.

[user86]

thank you so much for your replies. I've never posted before but felt a bit lost about it all.

I think the post by mrs terry prachett woke me up a bit. As i mentioned I am currently looking for work (i was a lawyer but had a difficult time of late and am looking to transition). I used to be quite assertive but have had my confidence knocked. Im suddenly aware i'm using the word nag to describe myself. what a horribly dismissive word to use for someone who deep down might still be a stong assertive woman

perhaps another post needed about how we should be kinder to ourselves!

[UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea]

He needs professional help. That's a serious spending addition.

Are you sure he's not hiding debt?

[user86]

I know he's not hiding debt. jsut speding what he has. His mother put £2500 as a birthday present in his account....so i assume that facilitating things. Would just be nice if he saw that as a little binus to our future. not a new fricking wardrobe.

thank you all so much. I feel empowered again lol

[stressedandskint]

Why did you marry him knowing what he's like with money? Did you think marriage would change him?
Please don't have children with him, you know how this will end.
If you really want children then get rid and find someone more suitable.

[GreenShadow]

I feel for you user. I couldn't cope with a big, frivolous spending partner.
I'm naturally a cheapskate saver so would be very unsettled by this. I'm not mean, but have to justify everything I buy (only to myself) and can't abide waste.

[TokenBritPoshOfCourse]

Hang on. It’s his money, you’re not in debt, all the bills are still being paid?

You don’t sound compatible but he’s not actually doing anything wrong, is he?

[category12]

I think spending a grand a month on clothes he has nowhere to put, agreeing to to stop and then lying & hiding his spending constitutes a problem, Token.

[Guiltypleasures001]

Hi token

From the pattern of the clothes he is buying it's not about the clothes, there's a certain aspect of OCD with the one in every colour or style.

I don't want to armchair diagnose but there's a control issue here for him, which means possibly there's something in his life or past, that he has felt out of control of.

He's gaining what he needs from the act of spending more than the wearing of them, it's the buzz and the high, looking at it from an angle of is there something he is worrying about etc, might give you an insight.

[TokenBritPoshOfCourse]

Well yes, but the other side of this is he’s earning good money and is spending a portion of it on his hobby, while also bankrolling the OP while she’s out of work.

There’s no debt and the bills are all paid, and he’s used his inheritance to pay a chunk off the mortgage. It seems the only gripe is he isn’t putting money away for savings.

[IdaDown]

You’ll be the one scrimping and saving. Telling yourself you’re ‘growing your hair’ because you can’t afford or justify the money on a cut.

A few years down the line. “Sorry kids, can’t go on that trip / music lessons / maths tuition.”

But don’t worry because DH will still look good / have the gadgets etc...

It’s so sexy being the mother figure to your —son— DH

[Guiltypleasures001]

Sorry Token, I'm not sure why I typed your name I meant for the op 😳

But I take your point, but the pattern of underlying behaviour from the ops dh
Suggests an unconscious compulsion that he's not addressing, the being able to afford it is a mask, and should,he not be able to in the future, I doubt that will stop him.

[Cambionome]

No Token - one of the gripes is that he has lied and hidden his spending from the op! Have you not read all her posts?

[user86]

I spoke to him before the wedding, explained if he wanted to contnue to spend like he does just dont marry me, keep living at home rent free with his mother and continue to buy all the clothes you want. Dont take on the home I worked to buy and the mortgage payments that will come with it (which we would share after marriage). Dont grow up basically.

I explained he couldnt have the world, he had to chose. He said there was no choice. he understood and wanted to grow up.

I guess there is a little bit of me thinking he would change.

I still think he has it in him to change. He's not malicious. I think guilty pleasure might be right. it's more than the clothes. theres a genuine feeling of guilt when i confront him, he doesnt like to upset me.

I get what you're saying token british, but i think without his parents having bailed him out, we may be sliding towards debt. I was brought up to be no where near debt. I dont think any 'things' are worth that. I'd rather we be comfortable for the inevitable rainy days. which, ironically we a kind of having, given im not working at the mo. get the odd nice things sure, but the other posters have reassured me its a tad much!

[category12]

Do you think it is an addiction or compulsion with him, OP? If so, it might be worth seeking professional help.