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Think I’m leaving..

(20 Posts)
Sylvarie Wed 13-Jun-18 19:57:26

Hi all, so I’ve been with my guy 10 years, he cane into my daughters life at 1, and to start he was amazing (and still is to a degree) he has a son as well, and we now have a 6 year old together, we’ve had only a few heated arguments over the years, but they are so bad I guess I try not to disagree or go against him as I don’t want it to blow up again, I do love him but I don’t feel like me anymore.
The last straw came yesterday, me and my Dad spent the whole day doing tip runs, as we spent the weekend clearing our garden of trees ready for a fence, I told my oh the quote for the fence was 1500 as soon as I received it (we’d already torn down the garden) it was more than we thought so he said he’d think about it, so yesterday he came home and said he didn’t want to spend all that money on the garden when he doesn’t enjoy the garden, it’s me the kids and the dog that do, so all the overtime he does will be money wasted on something he doesn’t appreciate. Now amongst this convo he started having a pop that he’s the one that earns the money, and I don’t offer him anything to help towards jobs I want done on the house, and going forward all house jobs are going to he split 50/50.....I did work full time until a year ago, but I also still did 95% of the housework and parenting (he did pick up if he wasn’t working and I was) and even put kids to bed after work, weekends I get up with all 3 kids, I help with homework, I do school runs every morning, I was so exhausted I nearly had a breakdown so we decided he earns enough that I could cut down to 2 days a week, now I do all housework and parenting stuff, but don’t earn anywhere near the money he does, he wanted Me home so he could work overtime when ever he wants, and then won’t use the money for anything, we never go away anywhere, never do family days out unless I pay, he doesn’t like going out and socialising, so I too have become a recluse, I can’t drive as he’s been promising Nev lessons on and off our whole relationship, but I can’t afford them, and then complains he’s a taxi service, and he spends all his free time playing computer games (albeit with the kids when they want too) I pay half the mortgage, half our loan, all the kids clubs/trips/clothes never ask for a penny, and I’m skint, I was so hurt as he basically made me feel like a scrounge, I thought if I stayed home and did everything that he’d take care of the money, feeling so shitty right now, I know I have to leave, but it’s still not easy with 2 kids
Sorry for the rant...I’m not really ready even to tell my best friend

Buckingfrolicks Wed 13-Jun-18 20:11:30

Omg he's awful. Tight, selfish and controlling. You have no life!

I'm sorry cos the answer is LTB.

category12 Wed 13-Jun-18 20:13:56

Your life would be a whole lot easier and happier without him.

expatinscotland Wed 13-Jun-18 20:19:51

He's always been a dick. End it now and go back to FT work.

HyacinthsBucket70 Wed 13-Jun-18 20:20:35

It doesn't sound like he's bringing an awful lot into your life, to be fair.

I'd at least separate and see if brings around any changes.

Ariesgirl1988 Wed 13-Jun-18 20:22:40

Wow what a cheeky fucker! He sounds controlling as well. You have two choices either kick him to the kerb or bite the bullet and have it out with him that you thought this was a partnership not a bloody dictatorship!

LB2203 Wed 13-Jun-18 20:23:03

Did it help to get it out though? I hope so.

I'm sure you've already reached this conclusion, but you know that the fact the only way you avoided more major "arguments" was to dedicate your life to bending to his every will (and whim) was because he has been abusing you? What you describe here is coercive control, a kind of abuse that can be really hard to identify unless you step back and look at the bigger picture, not just individual incidents.

Do you have a plan to leave yet or are you just at the stage of realising you need to? Because you are right, you do need to. He will only get worse. And you don't deserve to live like this. It's not normal and it's no ok.

It won't be easy, but it will be easier than trying to follow his unpredictable and ever changing rules, trying to monitor his moods, not having a social circle or going out, walking on eggshells all the time, without him financially abusing you, emotionally abusing you...

You will be ok in the long run.

I don't know if you've already contacted them for support, but don't forget that Women's Aid are available to you, and Freedom Programme can also help you wrap your head around everything that's been going on. Both have websites and helplines.

I hope you're able to start getting back to feeling like you again soon. It won't happen until he's gone, but it will happen. You will get there.

LB2203 Wed 13-Jun-18 20:28:51

And sorry no, he is clearly abusive, having it out with him won't have any impact (other than potentially putting you at risk).

Don't get back with him if after you leave/get rid he suddenly turns into this wonderfully apologetic charmer, promising you the earth, promising to change, getting down on his knees telling you he can't cope without you, he misses you, sobbing and wailing etc etc.

This is what abusers do. It's hard and it's sad, but it's just a manipulative attempt to get control of you back. The second you agree to it he would revert to the life you've been living, only he will know he can get away with even worse behaviour because you won't leave.

When the charm fails they usually revert to spite and threats instead. But if you give in at the charm/false grief stage you won't see that. Until it's too late.

This is not a regular but difficult relationship, it is an abusive one. The normal rules don't apply. Abusers don't operate the way the rest of us do.

Sylvarie Wed 13-Jun-18 20:30:07

I’m pretty sure if I told him how I feel he wouldn’t hear it, he’s very good at turning things so he’s the injured one, I know I have to leave, but it’s the actually starting it I’m worried about, I don’t want my kids hearing the argument I know is coming, my name is not on the mortgage, but I know I have rights, but in all honesty I’d rather rent and be independent if it came to it, I know my daughter will understand, she loves him and calls him Daddy, but they have their ups and downs, my son is such a mummy’s boy, but he does love playing computer games with his Dad, so I’m not sure how he will take it confused

Gemini69 Wed 13-Jun-18 20:33:58

he is draining the living daylights out of you all.. with his negativity and selfishness flowers

AnnieAnoniMouser Wed 13-Jun-18 20:34:11

You’ve come to the right conclusion.

It won’t be easy, but it will be better once it’s done.

Be strong. You can do this.

(& just in case you need to hear it, he’s a selfish man who is treating you really badly. You deserve far better than this 🌷)

Sylvarie Wed 13-Jun-18 20:34:16

It did help! I’ve been holding it in all day but now the kids are in bed and he’s at work reading your replies has me in floods, I don’t know how I didn’t see this sooner, I already went to leave once a few years back and he did the whole pleasing me begging me saying he couldn’t live without me, and so I gave him another chance

AnnieAnoniMouser Wed 13-Jun-18 20:38:20

To be honest, it doesn’t matter how the kids take it, because you have to do what’s right for them, not what they (think) they want. They can’t see the damage staying with him would do long term.

I hope they take it in their stride and adapt to the changes quickly, but even if it takes a while, it’s still the right thing to do.

He is so INCREDIBLY selfish and won’t put his children first or treat you well.

C0untDucku1a Wed 13-Jun-18 20:40:07

I hope it hasnt been 11 years if paying half the mortgage and not having your name on it.

Before you do or say anything, soeak to a Solicitor.

AnnieAnoniMouser Wed 13-Jun-18 20:41:41

...and look how he used that second chance. As soon as he had you reeled back in he started treating you like crap again.

He has you doing all the house stuff, all the cats of the children, everything... then demands you contribute 50:50. He begrudges your FAMILY a fence so you can be safe & secure because he doesn’t use the garden?! Selfish and nasty.

AnnieAnoniMouser Wed 13-Jun-18 20:42:46

Bloody iPhone. NiO idea where it got cats from?!

redastherose Wed 13-Jun-18 21:03:18

Yes speak to a solicitor urgently. You don't say if you are married or not. If not and your house isn't in joint names then you have put yourself in a very vulnerable position by paying towards his mortgage all of this time. If you're not on the house deeds then don't pay another penny towards the house and save as much of your money for you and your children when you leave. And you do need to leave, as pp have said he is manipulative, emotionally abusive, and subjecting you to financial and coercive control. He is not a nice man.

Alfiemoon1 Wed 13-Jun-18 23:10:11

Are u married op as that makes a big difference as your name is not on the mortgage I think

Sally2791 Wed 13-Jun-18 23:22:16

I think when you write it all down it makes it much clearer. He sounds controlling and abusive. I'm sure he'll kick off when you say you're leaving -he has set up a very cushy life for himself! Get out and have a lovely future OP

hellsbellsmelons Thu 14-Jun-18 13:26:12

Could you get out sooner by moving in with your parents?
Could you go back to work full-time?
You'll find you have a lot more energy without this 'fun-sucker' dragging you down.
Get a plan in place.
You know this won't be easy so have everything ready to just get out when you are ready.

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