Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Trauma Bond Help(6 Posts)
I have previously posted on here about the situation and how hard I am finding it. It was suggested that I might be addicted to him as a person. After doing something research I am 99% sure that I'm suffering from a trauma bond. I was wondering if anyone had any experience with a trauma bond and had any advice.
A brief history, I've been with my husband 10years, we had a very intense relationship he was controlling, emotionally abusive, physically abusive, would do anything for female attention, 2 emotional affairs, one of which I've just found out about that happened a year ago. I wasn't as attentive as I should have been, I did try though up until a year ago when our child was born. I suffered from postnatal depression and had serious complications 4weeks after birth, I couldn't even support myself.
He left me about 6 weeks ago for his new girlfriend, 10years his junior. They have already split up 3 times and got back together and they don't trust each other at all but knowing he's replaced me so easily kills me, they have already declared their love for one another. We were texting all day everyday and were still being intimate, yes I know this was stupid and I feel a fool so please don't lecture me. I have now stopped contact completely but its very early days, I have tried several times in the past few weeks but he always manages to get in contact by emailing me. I'm really struggling not contacting him but I'm trying to be strong.
It is essentially an addiction and cold turkey, 100% NC is the only way. It is one of the hardest things in the world to do so you have my sympathy OP. You have to try and block every form of contact. If he has your email address then block his, or get a new one and don't tell him. If you have any RL support then get these people on board to help you. Contact women's aid, see if there's a "freedom programme" locally. Even join specific forums (there are plenty around) where you can get support. Then take it a day at a time. Once you rack up 7 days NC it will feel like a major achievement, then 14, then 30 and so on. If there needs to be any contact regarding DC, find a third party it can go through. You can get through this, and you will feel a million times better when you do.
My best advice is to go and see your GP and ask to be referred urgently for counselling. I was with a covert narcissist for nine years and when he discarded me, it was bloody brutal and I can't even begin to describe the rage I felt. I had no idea I had been abused until I went to a counsellor, and she helped me to not be trauma bonded. It was so helpful and it helped me detach myself quite quickly.
I went to my gp and they just gave me medication and told me to call talking therapies. I haven't taken the medication because I'm still nursing my child and I called talking therapies to which Ive been referred to have CBT but there's a long waiting list. I'm currently trying to sort out my financial situation and then I'm hoping to see a private counsellor asap.
I'm pretty sure my ex is a covert narcissist, I thought he was when we were together and since we've split my head is a little clearer. My family would tell me he was abusive and were always shocked by his behaviour but I didn't listen, I would always stick up for him. A few weeks after we split was the first time I truly thought I was in an abusive relationship.
I feel so stupid for letting this go on for so long and for bringing my DC into all of this. I stood by him through everything and then when a new model came along he drops me. I've never felt pain like it. He tells me he regrets it and that she'll never compare and we had something special and that he'll never forget all hes done to me but i'm thinking its just love bombing so he has a back up. He says sorry everyday just about and cries a lot, which is one of the only things that makes me think maybe he's not a narc.
WA or Freedom Programme would probably help more. And talking to other people who've been through this and survived.
If you use Twitter, check out @abusetalk. #abusetalk and #domesticviolencechat
I know there have been discussions about trauma bonding. Talking to people on a specific forum and from DV organisations will help more. I'd be extremely surprised if the type of counselling your GP can refer you to have had enough training in abuse to identify coercive control, much less have heard of trauma bonding.
When things are tough sometimes I focus all my energy on how I will feel after I ride out the storm. It helps me stand firm when I feel like I'm about to buckle.
You have done so well to recognise you are trauma bonded and yes he is definitely love bombing Don't fall for it. Please call women's aid You have been abused and need their help. It doesn't matter that he was not physically abusive or that he has left. Take Care x
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.