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My perspective or is it him?

(14 Posts)
feelundervalued Wed 13-Jun-18 16:32:24

I constantly feel undervalued in life and overlooked.

My partner ignores me by changing the subject or interrupting me or claiming I didn't say things. So, if I want to tell him something important, it feels like he doesn't care, because he can never give me his full attention. If I try and talk about any issues in the relationship, he always turns it back on me and tells me that he has just as many issues with my behaviour. I have tried to ask him not to interupt me and he has given me the cold shoulder for a day and sulked. This in turn has stopped me trying to make our relationship better because I just feel attacked everytime I bring up the slightest thing. I have turned into a mute where our relationship is concerned! When something happens where he could support me because they are things he deals with day in and day out, he point blank refuses to and just watches me struggle. Not telling me who my private health care provider is for one thing (it's arranged through his company) and I had to phone his boss as he was just being so difficult, but he says it's me and I didn't listen, which is certainly not true. When my boiler went wrong in my house that I rent out, he refused to ask the plumber he deals with everyday as part of his job (and who he puts tens of thousands of pounds his way) to help out. I am more than capable of sourcing a plumber, but when it's something he does everyday, I find it very strange behaviour that he won't help? Almost like he enjoys seeing me struggle a bit with something that he could sort out in 5 mins, whilst I am left to try and make phone calls in work and take time off etc etc

Any successes in my life are praised by him but if other people question him on those things, he won't remember the slightest detail, which makes me think, he doesn't really care. I have been studying and passed a number of exams, for example, but when others question him on what qualification I have been studying for the last 18 months at home, he says he doesn't know.

My boss praises me but then promotes her friends over me (small business) or I see them with new work tools or going on training courses that they have asked for but it doesn't even cross her mind that if you are going to offer to one person of the same rank, you should offer to everyone. I am not someone to demand things, so I suppose this is why this happens, but honestly feel I shouldn't have to. I should just be treated fairly.

When I am in conversation with friends, they often don't even ask about my life, even if I am with them for hours. When I start to talk about myself, they interrupt, yawn and generally look distracted.

I do feel that I've done OK in life despite the odds, both parents died when I was a kid and I have no siblings and have brought up my son alone with no financial, practical or emotional support. I think I have always felt like I am important to no-one. Other people have families who care about them. I have never had that. Even DP's family have made it clear, I am not part of their family but DP's sister's husband is.

I know I sound a right misery and I constantly try to "put myself out there" and keep trying with everyone because I don't know any other way.

I am quiet and introverted but really does that mean I should be so overlooked in life?

I've even taken to social media to at least get some sort of acknowledgement.

I know my self esteem is low, but how do you improve it when you feel like this? I know I shouldn't care about others people's opinions of me, but when you just feel like a spare part in every aspect of your life, it is very difficult.

AmazingPostVoices Wed 13-Jun-18 16:41:04

My boss praises me but then promotes her friends over me (small business) or I see them with new work tools or going on training courses that they have asked for but it doesn't even cross her mind that if you are going to offer to one person of the same rank, you should offer to everyone

I can’t speak to your patented or your friends but I wanted to pick up on this point.

You are wrong that the boss should automatically offer every employee the same training courses. That has never been common practice in any organisation I’ve ever worked for.

You need to consider your own career development plan, discuss how it meets the needs of the business with your boss and request the tools or training required.

If you don’t ask you don’t get.

If you aren’t being promoted you need to discuss with your boss why that is and what you need to work on. Alternatively quietly make plans to seek promotion elsewhere.

category12 Wed 13-Jun-18 16:45:14

With work, I think you need to be assertive and say to your boss that if any training opportunities come up you would like to be considered. It's no good sitting back and expecting to be included in this situation. You need to ask and be proactive. Then if you're still not getting the opportunity, I'd think of changing jobs.

Luckyme2 Wed 13-Jun-18 16:48:18

You are definitely low in self esteem and I really feel for you. Your partner doesn't sound very nice at all to be honest. What do YOU get out of the relationship? I'd say start there. You should be having love and support from your partner. That would help you build confidence with other areas that are getting you down.

feelundervalued Wed 13-Jun-18 16:51:02

The work situation is that new members of staff are offered x or y training course. I then ask if I can attend a or b training course. It doesn't occur to me to ask until others do!

I am certainly guilty of just drifting along career wise although I'm now sitting professional exams and want to move forward.

AmazingPostVoices Wed 13-Jun-18 18:16:56

It doesn't occur to me to ask until others do!

That isn’t their fault though, or your bosses fault.

Introverted doesn’t have to mean passive. Quiet doesn’t mean doormat.

You need to actively take charge of your life.

Work, relationships, friends - you have to actively manage it all. If what you get out isn’t worth what you are putting in either seek to change that it decide whether it’s better to move on.

AngelsSins Thu 14-Jun-18 10:27:13

That isn’t their fault though, or your bosses fault.

I have to disagree having worked in HR for 10 years. It IS a managers job to manage staff, and that means finding out what motivates them, asking them about progression and supporting them the best you can. Sadly most bosses are not great.

OP, I wonder if some counselling or assertiveness training might help? It sounds like you need to break out of your shell a little. Your partner sounds crap, does he make you happy at all?

feelundervalued Thu 14-Jun-18 14:43:08

Thank you all for your replies. Yes, I know I need to stop being a doormat and need to actively take charge, but honestly, I just feel as if it's always a fight whereas other people just seem to state their wishes and get them. I have to argue and fight and battle.

AngelsSins - Thank you. In 9 years, I have only had 1 appraisal. I suppose the boss thinks it's a small office and I can just ask for what I want but it would actually be really good to feel valued by her asking me what I want and how we can move forward to better the business and my career.

My DP really upsets me sometimes, but other times is just fine. If I'm honest, he doesn't set my world on fire and never has, but then other men have and those relationships didn't work out either.

Clairetree1 Thu 14-Jun-18 14:48:12

its not normal for every person of one rank to do the same training course, it is normal for one person to do it then disseminate

Guiltypleasures001 Thu 14-Jun-18 14:50:42

Change your job
Dump the bloke, take control back

With kindness op, most of this is on you

You allow others to treat you bad, because you don't value yourself
So maybe it's time to stop looking at the floor, and look up and around you

Cut the dead wood from your life, and make different choices for you, show your child what a positive choice looks like. 💐

feelundervalued Thu 14-Jun-18 15:30:26

With regards to the training course, without getting into too much detail. A colleague was sent on X training course, I was told I could go on it "next time" That particular colleague left. Another new colleague started, (who never dealt with the subject matter dealt with in the course as part of her role, whereas I do!), she was offered the training course. I then queried this with my boss who looked guilty and then tried to book me on the same course, eventually I got a cancellation and went with my new colleague and use that information in my day to day work. My colleague left the business after 8 months. I spoke up then, but really why did I have to?!

Yes, I can leave the job, dump the bloke, but really until I tackle the root cause (lack of self esteem), then things will just repeat won't they? But honestly, I don't know how to change or really what I do wrong in the first place! If I don't know what I'm doing wrong, I don't know how to change it.

Obviously I know I need to be "more assertive" but how do I do that?

AttilaTheMusical Thu 14-Jun-18 15:42:37

dump the bloke You'll find that your self-esteem will improve pretty quickly if you do that.

Guiltypleasures001 Thu 14-Jun-18 15:52:41

I get your point op, but self esteem needs action

Your issues will probably be years old staying with him will not make it easy
To address them

I imagine it's easier right now to stand still because it's scary looking on the other side

Sorry iPad is refusing commas at the mo

notagain2018 Thu 14-Jun-18 17:59:44

Your partner sounds awful I bet subconsciously he is trying to keep your self-esteem low. I reckon he is the root of your self-esteem issues because if you were happy at home, you could deal with your work problems better.
Definitely some counselling perhaps or confidence/assertiveness course. Focus on your own confidence and that should help you get shot of this bloke and then deal with your work life.

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