DH not listening - am I being irrational?

[YourUsernameHistoryB]

I hate where we live. I have been unhappy here for many years and have discussed this with DH many times.

He has a great job in London, so we live in the Home Counties and he commutes in. He has amazing benefits and a very generous pension etc, so his reasoning is that, if we can stick it out for another ten to fifteen years, we’ll be able to choose where we live and have the life of Riley.

I, on the other hand, am a sahm, sort of by accident, as I was made redundant while on maternity leave with dc1.

I am trying to get back to work, but it’s difficult, as we have very young children and I have an (unappealing to some employers) three year gap in my cv. So now I’m looking at retraining in the evenings or through distance learning.

The thing is, I don’t really want to wait another ten to fifteen years before we move. I have a British passport, but am entitled to passports for two other countries due to my place of birth and parentage, (one is in EU, the other is further away). DH loves visiting the countries in question, but he basically makes out I’m crazy for suggesting we move to either of them now, as his job is so good. He also is (rightly) a little bit wary of the politics in the further away one.

He knows how much I dislike it here and we’ve had long, emotional discussions about it. Recently, he said he was tempted to hand over half of his money, sell the house and let me leave with the dcs as he knows how miserable I am here. He says he will do more to help me with the dcs and be here more. But the thing is, he can’t be here all the time and I’m just very lonely here, as all my family and good friends are nowhere nearby. I know I should go out and make friends etc, but it’s tricky to have any sort of meaningful conversation with two very little ones in tow and anyway, everyone is very busy with their own families. And I don’t want dh to jeopardise his job by being here too much anyway. I think he loves it, despite complaining about it.

I think I’m just feeling a bit bitter, as we followed his career around from the moment we graduated till we settled here about 7 years ago. So, my degree went to waste and I had to take any job I could, wherever we moved. Now I can’t find a job and am miserable and want to leave this area, but DH is having none of it.

I have a young baby, who I’m bfing, so don’t know if hormones are making me a bit irrational. But, I’ve been unhappy here for a long time and have always said I wanted to move, but DH is adamant we stay here.

I think I’m annoyed with myself for not being independent enough to stay at university where I’d been enquiring about postgraduate courses before I heard that dh was going to be moved to the other end of the country with work. We both agree now, that in hindsight, I could have done this and then moved up to be with dh later, but being young and head over heels etc, we decided I’d go with him.

Sorry, this is a bit of a whiny ramble. But wonder if anyone else has had similar experiences and what to do.

[YourUsernameHistoryB]

Oh just to add that his family are nearer, but not terribly nearby. We don’t see them very often and his parents seem to favour dh’s sibling and gc on that side a bit, which really hurts, as my own mum is dead and my dad is overseas.

Also, reading back and being fair, DH is listening, he just disagrees with me, which is different.

[pissedonatrain]

Can you do some volunteer work for a day or 2 per week just to get out of the house around other adults?

What was your previous career?

[YourUsernameHistoryB]

Thanks for your post.

My dcs are not at school yet, so I would have to put them in nursery in order to volunteer, which seems a bit much. I could volunteer on a weekend, but DH is here then, so I already have some adult company.

[YourUsernameHistoryB]

Oh sorry and my career was in admin / office support.

[LB2203]

You have your husband's company on the weekend, OK. But if you volunteered somewhere for part of your weekend it would help you meet other people, and build relationships with people you could potentially see when he isn't around.

You sound quite isolated and lonely. It seems probable that if you could grow your own social circle out from under your husband's shadow you might feel less unhappy and more confident. Which would in turn help with the job situation.

Where I work has taken on several people in roles you describe who'd been out of the workplace for a while, or never even worked in that area, etc. They were more interested in the ability to learn and the "right" attitude. I'm wondering if employers are picking up on your lack of confidence?

[YourUsernameHistoryB]

Well thus far I haven’t had any interviews! But they could be picking up from my cover letters that I’m lacking in confidence a bit. I have no lack of confidence in my ability to do any of the jobs I have applied for. It’s more about convincing other people I can do it.

I will look into volunteer roles at the weekends though.

[Rocinante1]

Unfortunately, this is a choice you made several years ago. You decided to put his career first. Now you're not working at all. So for him, there isn't an option of just leaving. He needs to earn money to support the family. Will he be able to do that if you make him move? You're struggling to get a job, will it be easier for you to get a job if you move?

You can't just demand that you move, without giving though to how you will finance your lives. Who would work how much would you be able to earn as a family compared to now?

If is absolutely possible for one or both of you to get a good job, then moving could be reasonable. But if not, it would be very silly to move your family and end up with low incomes.

If you're bored/lonely, there are plenty of less drastic things you could do to improve your life. Get out to play groups, get a hobby and meet up with other people doing that hobby. Try those things before uprooting your whole family. I think your husband is right to wait until your finances are all wrapped up so you can do as you please.

[SeaCabbage]

Why is it this house or overseas? Isn't there a happy medium where there could be more options for you to find out about but where your husband could stay at his job?

[YourUsernameHistoryB]

DH works for a global company. There are opportunities all over the globe, including in at least one of the countries I’ve mentioned. Even outside of his company, he has a job where there are lots of opportunities all over the world.

I also have family in one of the countries, who would provide some childcare while I was trying to find work. Something we don’t have here. It is also considerably cheaper to live there than here. We could have bought a house outright with the deposit for our current home. So we would have been mortgage free had we bought there. This was suggested by me at the time and scoffed at by DH. We could both work part time on low paid jobs (not that I think DH would even have to take a low paid job there) and split the childcare if we wanted. It’s so much cheaper.

I’m definitely not suggesting that we move anywhere without one of us having a job there first. That would be bonkers. But DH has not even looked at jobs elsewhere.

I have also suggested us moving closer to his work, (to a flat - as we don’t have enough money for a house there). Then I wouldn’t be on my own as much, as his commute would be shorter. I also have some old friends in London and would potentially be able to work there. At the moment, the commute isn’t really doable for both of us, as someone needs to be near the children’s nursery in case of illness etc. DH encouraged me not to apply to any of the alternative roles offered to me when I was made redundant as he said it would be impractical with childcare as all the roles were in central London and we are in the Home Counties.

I get that this is a decision we made long ago, when we decided to follow his career. I now think this was a mistake and I feel very regretful about it. I don’t think it’s something I can just “get over” or suck up.

I won’t demand he moves, but I’m very unhappy. I don’t really know what to do about that.

[YourUsernameHistoryB]

And if I go and make small talk at another playgroup I think I will go over the edge. I cannot do this much longer. I am fucking, fucking miserable.

[YourUsernameHistoryB]

Thanks for all your comments . I’ve started another thread now in aibu for a bit more traffic, as I’m a bit desperate.

[AnnieAnoniMouser]

YANBU

Your DH needs to stop being selfish and actually HEAR you, not just ‘listen’.

You appear to have made a lot of different suggestions, all of which he’s ignoring in favour of ‘I’m alright Jack’

Of course he discouraged you from applying for other jobs, he’s got you right where he wants you. At home, doing all the childcare, looking after his castle and unable to live your own life...what’s not to love about that...if you’re him.

It speaks VOLUMES that rather than look at moving to London or looking at Global opportunities he’s suggested splitting your assets & you taking the children elsewhere.

That’s very worrying, because he is unnecessarily prioritising his career over his wife and children.

I would actually consider the possibility that he is having an affair and that’s why he won’t consider ANY of the options. Don’t dismiss that on the basis of not having time, everyone can make time within their ‘working hours’ if they have an affair.

You need to get yourself into a position where your career is back on track and you aren’t sacrificing everything to support hus career, because there’s every chance that his career will not be fully supporting you and the children in the future.

[YourUsernameHistoryB]

It speaks VOLUMES that rather than look at moving to London or looking at Global opportunities he’s suggested splitting your assets & you taking the children elsewhere.

I thought this sort of. Why is he suggesting I leave instead of leaving his job? But then, someone has to support us all as pp said^^.

[alwayswearsunscreen]

I'm with @AnnieAnoniMouser ^

[Cricrichan]

To me it sounds logical to move to a flat in London!

[YourUsernameHistoryB]

I don’t get why he’s against moving closer to his work either. This area is safe, with good schools etc, so it has that going for it. But we have no family here, unlike a lot of mums I meet here. They all seem to be Home Counties Born and bred.

[YourUsernameHistoryB]

He has said he will support me in any way possible with retraining or job hunting, so I need to hold him to it.

[category12]

I'd start looking for a suitable place in London and really push for that. If he'd really rather split than move, then maybe you should do that.

[YourUsernameHistoryB]

Yeah, property prices are falling in the city, so now might be the time to make a move there.

[mylaptopismylapdog]

I would try other things where you are if you can because having a young children is very tiring and moving to another country even without a them is also very tiring as you have to learn to adapt and find all the services you need. Moving won’t necessarily make you feel better. You are secure where you are and there is no guarantee that you would feel any better else where. There is a chance that you are focusing on this now because you are tired
If there are good schools where you are and your husbands commute is convenient It may make life easier in the long run for all of you.
Meeting other new Mums would be a good idea, might help you to feel more connected to the area and help you to feel more settled, it may take time to find good friends but you will. My experience of making a similar move is that you won’t be the only wife around in your situation. playgroups and nurseries yielded some good friends.
I understand how you feel as I felt all the same things when we moved out of London when my daughter was small but many years down the line I love visiting London but wouldn’t want to live there.
Hope you feel better soon

[BitOutOfPractice]

Is it the UK you're not keen on or just the place in the UK you're living?

[YourUsernameHistoryB]

There are things about the uk in not thrilled with just now, but I have lived here a long time and have a uk passport etc. So it may be a grass is greener thing. I have moved around a lot in my adult life and also as a very young child.

[YourUsernameHistoryB]

*I’m

[AngelsSins]

I think he’s being incredibly selfish and putting himself above the rest of his family. Is he a bit of a misogynist and likes having you stuck at home keeping house? What’s his excuse to not move to London?

[YourUsernameHistoryB]

He’s definitely not a macho type or a woman hater. I think, if we’re going to go into it, the problem is that he hates change. It makes him really nervous and he gets really effected by it. He doesn’t travel well for example, unless he knows the destination fairly well. He gets stressed more easily than I do usually. It’s me who is stressed / anxious now and that’s now making him stressed and anxious.

He has said he would support me, whatever I choose to do with work, but I know he’ll take time to adjust to it if I do start working, as he does with any change.

He lived in London once before, though only for a year. He wasn’t keen on it and I think he feels it’s safer where we are. I just witnessed a near mugging at a play area where I was playing with the children though, so just goes to show that nowhere’s all that safe.

I might approach the idea of looking for somewhere a bit closer to London and see how that goes.