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No more what if's he cheated

(23 Posts)
Fatbirdy Wed 13-Jun-18 04:04:18

I posted a month ago about splitting with DP. We talked and talked and there was an agreement to both try harder and give it a real go.

Well this weekend he went to a festival with friends and family. I felt super uneasy all weekend, I just knew he would cheat.

He did. He admitted tonight on 2 occassions with the same girl not in their party.

Is it strange I feel more let down by his family as we were close?

I'm broken over what he's done but there's more of a wake up call feeling in there than there has been any other time we split or spoke of it. I don't feel frantic with dispair as I did before. Kind of a calm sadness coupled with disgust.

Am I going insane or is this how true splits go?

For reference we split for 6 months over 4 years ago now and for most of that time I was an anxious mess with a constant feeling of impending doom. This time, I obviously can't sleep (look at the time lol) but as I only found out tonight, that's to be expected.

I'm pissed off that the bastard let me cook for him and nurse him through his injuries from the "mosh pits"


GreenItWas Wed 13-Jun-18 04:27:44

I think the quiet all consuming sadness is to carry you through to getting to a better place protecting your psyche in the process. You have gone through all the previous stuff even though you now have categoric proof. Make the most of what your mind is doing for you and plan your future. You are worth way more than a twat that falls at the first hurdle.

Fatbirdy Wed 13-Jun-18 05:16:24

Thanks. I didn't cope well last time so I am expecting a crash. What a waste of 8 years. Poor kids are going to be so upset.

I don't have much in the way of family and friends, i'll have to sound off here every now and then.

Why he couldn't bugger off before he cheated i'll never know. At least I hadn't slept with him after. I knew from his face as soon as he got back.

category12 Wed 13-Jun-18 06:28:33

Sorry you're going through this. Sounds like you're further down the line to resignation that it's over emotionally than you have been before.

I knew it was different the time with my marriage when what he'd done didn't surprise me, just felt "here we go again" and there was a dawning feeling of not having the will to go through it all, I could just to get off his roller-coaster.

I do think his family being complicit in it is very hurtful, and I'd be upset too.

Timefortea99 Wed 13-Jun-18 06:31:55


Fatbirdy Wed 13-Jun-18 06:50:05

One of my biggest concerns is where he would go. He has a job here that is stable but I feel he might bolt for the coast to be with his family as he did last time. At that time our DD was 18 months so she knows none of it. He saw her twice in that 6 month period.

Now we have 2 DD's 6 and 3 and the eldest would be ruined if he pulled that stunt again. She is very intelligent.

They will cope, I know. We all will because we have to. Talk about raw though. He's always had such contempt for cheaters, then he goes and does it twice in a weekend. No wonder he was rapidly putting pictures into his private folder before posting them on facebook.

He hasn't eaten since he got back. Put it down to him overdoing the booze. It's probably guilt. I hope it eats the bastard alive.

Bananamanfan Wed 13-Jun-18 06:52:57

I'm so sorry, op. flowers

Fatbirdy Wed 13-Jun-18 06:59:56

He's updated his whatsapp to include a pic from the weekend. That'll be for her then.

I could spit.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 13-Jun-18 10:35:20

Get him gone.
Tell him to pack up leave.
He needs to be out of your space so you can think straight (well... as straight as possible right now)
It's a crap time but I think you know it's over.
This is your deal-breaker and you are calmer this time because you've been through it before and you know you can do it.
I hope he steps up as a dad but I have a feeling he won't.
He sounds like a waste of space.
Get him out.
Get your headspace.
And take it from there.

Fatbirdy Wed 13-Jun-18 11:10:36

Oh it's well and truly over!

He said he isn't leaving without his kids. Plans to take them to live with his infidelity supporting family on the coast (a good 4 hour drive and neither of us drive), where he has no job. Cheeky fucking bastard.

He's refusing to leave citing me as suicidal (see I said I didn't cope well last time)! I'm not suicidal but did feel it when I thought the problems were all me. Now I know different it's strangely liberating.

His name isn't on anything in the house so he has no legal right to be here. Probably going to be a police jobby. In the meantime I have to sit here watching him message his mates and her to bitch about me.

Boy did I make a doozy of a wrong choice with this utter thundercunt

hellsbellsmelons Wed 13-Jun-18 11:34:51

Are you married?
If not then get the police to remove him.
These fucking men are soooo entitled!!!
It's just seriously astounding at times what they think they can get away with.
Get legal advice pronto as well.

Fatbirdy Wed 13-Jun-18 11:54:34

No we're not married.

I have just been given a number to a family solicitor who offers a free hour, so I'm going to give them a call.

Made school aware he shouldn't be collecting either of the children in future as he should be at work, they gave a quiet nod to pass it round.

Ducks in a row time.

Fully expect to fall apart at some point but can't afford to right now.

LB2203 Wed 13-Jun-18 13:02:20

Well, he sounds like a thoroughly nasty piece of work. I'm sorry you're going through this.

The threat to take the children with him sounds like an empty threat intended to frighten you into doing what he wants. He probably still thinks he can coerce you into letting him stay.

Trying to paint you as mentally ill / a danger to yourself comes from the same textbook.

Apologies if I've missed it, but why haven't you made him leave yet? It sounds like he has no intention of going anyway and just plans to wear down your resolve.

Fatbirdy Wed 13-Jun-18 13:06:46

He doesn't want to be with me so the only reason he ain't leaving is cos he ain't got anywhere to go!

Spoke to my dad (like a true little girl of 37). He's going to come help persuade him to leave with intelligent jargon to baffle his gnat sized brain.

Thebluedog Wed 13-Jun-18 13:07:34

So sorry you’re going through this OP flowers

You may find the crash never comes. When I split from my exh I think I was so fed up and burnt out by his antics that when it happened o had nothing more to give. I was sad and upset but nothing like the blind panic I’d had before. I fully expected to fall apart at the seams but it never came smile I think it just shows it’s the right thing for you at the right time

As you said, ducks in a row time and then kick his arse out. He won’t take the kids and can’t take them - but I think you know that already wine

Wellfuckmeinbothears Wed 13-Jun-18 16:44:38

So sorry you’re going through this, you’re doing so well flowers

Glad your dad is going to help get him out.

Keep sounding off on here xx

MrsMozart Wed 13-Jun-18 16:53:52

Oh bugger. Why do people do this.

I'm sorry you're going through it lass. I hope he bogs off very soon.

NoFucksImAQueen Wed 13-Jun-18 17:04:01

hes a cheeky cunt isn't he! how does he have the nerve to tell you hes not leaving or is taking the kids. please remember it is not your fault if he moves away and doesn't see the girls that is all on him. if he wanted to stay near by he would find somewhere

Fatbirdy Wed 13-Jun-18 21:05:34

Thanks all, truly appreciate it. Cried with the kids obviously, but within 5 mins we were having drawing comps and laughing. Think that might have been the shock needed for him to do one. I honestly couldn't even look at him.

Disgusting scum. Worth nowt to me now. Made his bed, let him lie in it. I truly do not give a fuck.

I've laughed a whole bunch today. Either things are looking up or I do need a padded cell grin

TokenGinger Wed 13-Jun-18 21:27:32

In awe of your strength, OP. He’s a twat bag!

hellsbellsmelons Thu 14-Jun-18 08:22:00

Laughing a lot will be the relief and the shock.
Just make the most of it.
My dad still bails me out - bless him.
And I'm nearly 50!!!
Nothing to be ashamed of.
We use what we can and dads are the best!

shammy1b Thu 14-Jun-18 08:33:11

oh hun you done well fucking the knob head might be hurting now but i swear in a year you will look back with head held high and think thank fuck i got rid.
write a list of all the shitty things he has done and every time he tries it on read it back to remind you why you can do better. x

notapizzaeater Thu 14-Jun-18 08:45:37

He's a true twat that doesn't deserve you. Why does he think he can just take the kids ? Is he primary carer ?

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